25 May
Age Math

If  you are going to lie about your age, add a few years. Or a decade.

For example, if you’re 42 you won’t get much of a reaction if you tell  people that you’re 38.  But tell them that you’re  in your  50s,  and watch the compliments really start to fly!  Huge, free ego boost.

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22 May
College Bound with Mom in Tow

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Due to the free falling economy, I find myself contemplating courses this fall at a local college … the SAME year my youngest will be attending (his first year).

This, of course, is freaking him the hell out - LIKEOMGWTFBBQ !! -  his mother will be attending the same school?? His coolness factor may plummet into the 56th level of hell!! Deep and ever lasting mental trauma will ensue!! My very proximity will ruin his social prospects for decades to come!!! Blah blah blah.

We are not taking the same courses, and I have vowed on my eventual grave that I will not embarrass him by waving at him in the hallways with a cheery “How’s your day going, sweetie-kins? Mumsy-wumsy wuvs you! Mwah!”  etc, but he’s still curled up on the living room floor sobbing like a girl.

Any suggestions to calm this little ingrate down would be really appreciated.

Yours,

Canadian Mom

_________________

Dear Canadian Mom,

You just gave me quite a horrifying flashback to the days when my sweet dad would pick up from school in his beat up, rusty VW bug, sporting the biggest, curly haired Art Garfunkel do you’ve ever seen. I used to absolutely beg him to not pull up in front of the school, out of fear that my friends would glimpse his enormous hair. And of course, he insisted on picking me up out front because he loved me that much.

But despite my own parent post traumatic stress syndrome, I’m going to press on and try to help you. I think it’s incredibly awesome that you are considering going back to school. And someday your son will appreciate such a wonderful role model like yourself. Unfortunately that day is definitely not today.

In order to reassure your son that his life is not actually over, promise to do the following. Try to arrange your classes so that there is no chance of running into him in the halls. If you do see each other, just give him a simple, low key wave so his new college friends can just secretly wonder, “Hey, who’s the sexy MILF?”  And despite your desire to relax after school, it’s probably best to skip Two for One Pitcher’s Night at the local college bar because you’re bound to run into your mortified son. Better to stay home, drink wine and watch reality TV like every other respectable mom.

Hopefully these simple ground rules will be enough to motivate him off your living room floor. If he’s still down in the dumps, just tell him to knock off the whining or you’ll force him to share a locker with you.

Love,

Kelcey, TMH

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21 May
Rub a dub dub, Lady, GET OUT OF THE TUB!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have a neighbor, who, owns a lovely INFLATABLE hot tub. With jets. (Think…blown up balloon being held under running water. LOUD.) She uses this amazingly special one of a kind item only between the hours of 1:30 and 4. This would be okay, if it wasn’t A.M. I was talking about!!! Short of popping it with a pin while she’s not home, or installing a flood light to shoo her away, I’m not sure what to do. Advice?

Not So Hot Tub

______________________

Dear Not So Hot Tub,

Anyone who waits until the middle of the night to sit in their blow-up hot tub is either crying out for attention or a vampire. Now, I’m going to guess that you are more than a hop, skip and a jump away from the lovely town of  Transylvania and therefore, I think we need to focus on her clear need to be noticed.  That being said, I’m also going to go out on a limb and guess that this gal spends her time soaking in the nude, which means if she is over the age of forty, as I just so happen to be,  her breasts have taken up residence much closer to her personal equator and the zoo keeps calling to tell her the elephants want their knees back.

Therefore, you might want to go ahead and purchase that floodlight and while you’re at it, some camouflage gear, a camera and a national marketing campaign. Then the next time you hear what sounds like rocks being tossed against a cement wall, all you have to do is jump out of the bushes, (thus setting the light to “ON”) snap your photos and then run on home to start downloading. When she starts to get emails from all her old boyfriends asking her, “What happened? Are you okay?” you’ll sleep through the night from then until forever, more than likely because she’s decided to move and take her “act” on the road.

Then again if ambushing isn’t your style or it seems like a too much energy to expend at that hour of the night, I would try and plead with her to have mercy on your sanity and stop. If she rents, have a little chat with her landlord and see if there is something he could do about her, as well as the twenty dollar bill that’s just so happens to be burning a hole in your pocket right at that very same minute.

Otherwise, I’m sorry to tell you, you’re out of luck, according to what the police told me,because unless she’s got loud music blasting along with those water jets, there is nothing they can do to help you, either.

Glad I Could Help,

Jessica, TMH

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20 May
Do Leeches Make Good Friends?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have a woman I thought was a friend of mine, who now only seems to call me in a time of need, HER NEED. I really like this woman but then again, I feel very used.  Should I pursue this relationship or just move on?

Willing to at least try
__________________________________________

Dear Willing to Try,

I once had a higher tolerance for selfish friends who needed me.  Let’s face it, it’s nice to be needed as a friend, especially if it leaves you feeling superior for not having such ridiculous problems and includes a lot of gossip-worthy information you can bore your husband with. (Consider it not only payback for his droning on about work but also a nice break from talking about the kids, because what else do couples talk about? World events?  Pfft.)

However, my level of tolerance for selfish friends is now right up there with school fundraisers, higher taxes, and stepping on a hairball in the middle of the night.

My indulgence with self-centered friends changed when I had children, who, by the way, only call upon me when they need something and, shockingly, are rarely interested in my wants and desires.  To them, I live for nothing but to drive them to T-ball practice and wash their clothes. I don’t know about you, but my kids pretty much fulfill the selfish people quota in my life.

A healthy friendship is about respect, and part of that respect is a balance of give and take.  I’ll use one of my friendships as an example:  When one of us has a problem we need to share, I give her a margarita and take from her a cigarette.  See how that works?

It could be your friend is oblivious to the imbalance in the relationship and not necessarily a jerk.  Since you really like this woman, I suggest trying to change things up.  Call her up to plan a fun lunch date or shopping trip, or something that appeals to your mutual interests. Sometimes a change of pace will snap people out of their selfish funk.

Or it could be your friend enjoys being a self-absorbed leech, and if that’s the case, who has time for that when there are blood-sucking children to raise?

Sincerely,

Heather, TMH

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19 May
Hampers Are Our Friends

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

How do I get my  husband to put his dirty clothes INTO the hamper? I have tried mentioning that tripping over them when I go to take a shower makes me grumpy. I have tried just silently picking them up myself every single day. I have tried more passive aggressive techniques like loudly teaching my children the lesson that “we don’t leave our clothes on the floor; we put them in the hamper” at bedtime. Last night, my daughter said to me, “I didn’t leave them there. Daddy did.” Which I know is true, since she’s only three and can’t actually get her t-shirt off without a little help. I will completely lose my mind if my children grow up to leave a trail of jackets, shoes, work shirts, sweaters, belts, and other clothing throughout the house as he does. I am tempted to put a sign above the hamper that says “Feed Me.” Is that too mean?

Please tell me you have a magic bullet for this one.

I’m counting on you,

Drowning in Dirty Laundry

_____________________________

Dear Drowning,

Forgive me for leaping, through the laundry, to the assumption that what bothers you about this most is that your children will follow their father’s laundry dropping footsteps.  If so, let me reassure you that this will be their future spouse’s problem, and The Mouthy Housewives v.2.0 will walk  the poor souls through it in due time.

But if your husband’s unwillingness to befriend Mr. Hamper is maddening, fake a back injury which will prevent you from bending down to pick up whatever is on the floor.  He may also have to help you shave your legs and file your toenails for a couple of weeks, but you can’t be expected to do that yourself while you’re fake-healing.

Or you could try a reward system.  We know from rearing children that negative attention is still attention, so we will not scold, berate or mock if he drops his laundry.  (Or we will do it behind his back, like normal people.) But every time he puts laundry in the hamper, we will rejoice.  We will pour lavish praise, we will lead the children to the hamper to show them what daddy can do.  We will smile and let him know how much we appreciate his contributing to our smooth running household.  As we’ve learned from Real Housewives of New Jersey, “Happy wife, Happy life.”

Pretty soon he will be putting laundry away as though it were his life’s calling.

Love,

Marinka, TMH

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