My Son’s Friend is Such a Jerk
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My 5 year-old son has a best friend named Jason whom he loves terribly. Here’s the problem: I hate Jason. Terribly. He’s rude, he’s inconsiderate and he teaches my son bad habits like burping and touching his private parts. I’ve run out of ways to say no to having Jason over for a playdate. So, what else can I do?
Signed,
Me no likey Jason
____________________
Dear Me no likey,
Obviously, you need to take immediate action. The next time you are at Jason’s house, steal all of his precious Legos, send him a random note with a picture of his beloved toys warning that if he doesn’t get his act together ASAP, he’ll never see those dumb plastic Legos again.
Oh, wait? Did you say he’s 5? Scratch all that. Blackmailing a Kindergartener will likely be frowned upon in your mommy circle.
This is a difficult problem because there is always going to be a kid like Jason around. Yes, you could pack it all up and move to Minneapolis and rid yourself of this Jason. But I absolutely guarantee you that one day very soon you’ll be at the Mall of America and suddenly your son will strike up a conversation with a boy named Luke who will completely corrupt him by teaching him farting techniques and how to make a teacher cry in five seconds or less.
So you might as well avoid all the stress of moving and all that packing tape by just staying put and dealing with Jason. The more you protest their friendship, the closer they will become. So invite Jason over for a playdate but let him know that when he’s at your house, there are certain rules he must follow. Because you’re the Queen of the Castle, damn it. I mean, obviously. You’re the one holding the glass of Chardonnay, aren’t you?!
Also, explain privately to your son that some of Jason’s behaviors, like his rudeness and inappropriate touching of his privates in public, are simply unacceptable. And if your son would like to continue to live the life he is accustomed to, including his favorite TV shows, Wii and Karate, he will not jump on the Jason bandwagon.
Love,
Kelcey, TMH
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Before I go on, I would just like to say EWW!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m a married mother of three and I secretly chew my toenails. I am so embarrassed my family is going to catch me. Plus my dentist says I’m destroying my front teeth, but I just can’t stop. Please help.
Signed,
Someone get me a pair of clippers.
___________________
Dear Clippers,
My suggestion to you is the next time you’re amongst company and you feel the urge to chew away, perhaps you could make like you’re having a brief nervous breakdown that ends with you, sitting quietly, with your big toe in your mouth. At the very least, everyone will be so relieved that you’ve finally calmed down, maybe they’d even offer to coat your toes in a cherry flavored shellac just to keep you from losing it again. As far as your teeth go, how “bucked up” are you? I mean do people walk around petting your head and offering you an apple? I’m not judging, I’m only asking because if the answer is yes you’re in luck. Instead of braces a company called, Invisalign uses plastic molds for your teeth, allowing you to lock lips with someone and not leave them wanting more and needing two stitches to close the gaping would on the top part of their gums.
Although, if it were me, I’d focus on the part of your problem involving your mind and not, what I’m going to guess, is your need for yet another pedicure and after speaking to a couple of therapists, it seems keeping a journal about when you do it and what was going on at the time, might help you learn what causes you to do it in the first place. At the very least you’ll improve your penmanship, at best it would be a great starting point when you have your first session.
Keep us posted. Love,
Jessica, TMH
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When Mom Needs a Break
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I really need help explaining to hubby why I need a break! I stay at home and care for our youngest child after I get our oldest up, ready and off to school. I cook, clean house, help with homework and wipe butt all frigging day! I feel like I really need a break! Hubby complains a lot saying he needs a break because he is sooooo tired from work. He will go out for drinks and such alone a few times each month. I NEVER go out alone. I always have at least one attachment at all times. Last weekend he went to a party WITHOUT ME for 9 hours! I tried to tell him how upsetting that was to me but he didn’t seem to care.
Can you please help me figure out how to explain to my stubborn hubby just how frustrating not having real adult interaction is, and why I need a break so badly.
Thanks,
Pissed Off Wife
_______________________________
Dear Pissed Off Wife,
They say there are no new problems in the world, which I’m sure explains the old cliché of the housewife hitting the husband over the head with the frying pan or the one of her sticking her head in the oven.
You are not alone.
One thing that probably won’t work is arguing with your husband over who’s the bigger martyr. Being the sole financial provider for a family is a heavy weight to carry. But then again, so is the diaper pail. Give equal respect to the roles you both play in the life you’re building together.
In the spirit of equality, I would explain to my husband that for every evening he goes out alone, that’s one trip out alone for me on the weekend. And then…this part is very important…follow through. Arrange dinner out with some girlfriends on a Saturday night so you have the commitment. Go to the library for a few hours of perusing books in quiet solitude – a combination that’s such a novelty for us stay-at-home moms. In fact, the library is one of my favorite outings when I’m off house arrest.
If the above doesn’t work, I suggest passive-aggressive notes. On a night he is out, severely burn his dinner on purpose, leaving it out on the table with a note saying, “This dinner brought to you by a burned-out housewife.” The next time your husband attempts sex, tell him your doctor insisted you become celibate in order to reduce your stress levels caused by being around children 24/7. An alcoholic wouldn’t keep a distillery in the basement, a mother on the edge shouldn’t perform the act that will cause more children.
And if that doesn’t work either, there’s always the frying pan.
Love,
Heather, TMH
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Stepmothers and Presents and Vibrators, Oh My!
Dear TMH,
Are real people giving each other vibrators as gifts now or is that only on “Sex & The City?” A friend of mine told me that she gave her stepdaughter a vibrator and I thought that was weird. But maybe I’m the weirdo?
Signed,
Morta Fied
______________________________
Dear Morta,
Of course it’s weird. Well, unless the stepdaugher is an adult, that is. Assuming that she is, the reason that you probably think it’s weird is that you’ve bought the Disney stepmother myth hook, line and sinker. Let me deDisneyfy you gently.
Prince Charming does not appear, if you’re asleep for days, you’re in a coma and stepmothers don’t torture their stepdaughters and deny them access to the ball. Sometimes, they offer friendly advice, wisdom and yes, on occasion, a gift that vibrates. Of course it’s not always appropriate. If things are tense between you and your stepdaughter because you were just indicted for poisoning her father, for example, a vibrator doesn’t scream “wrongly accused!” as loudly as you may hope.
But if your stepdaughter is over eighteen and asks you for mature advice, it is perfectly acceptable to give the gift that keeps on giving. (Just to be clear, I’m referring to a vibrator, not herpes.) Just make sure to hand it to her discretely and not as part of a Secret Santa exchange. And if you do want to give a vibrator but still stick with the Disney stepmother theme, just get one with burs.
Love,
Marinka, TMH
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For The Housewife’s Viewing Pleasure
When pedi-egging your feet is more exciting and fulfilling than your love life, consider viewing housewife porn to spice things up….
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