Pool of Worry
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My in-laws to be are fabulous people, they love Jesus, they don’t swear and they believe firmly in casseroles. We get on surprisingly well considering our extreme differences. They also have a pool, a fabulous 10 ft in the deep end pool. That isn’t gated. Or at all separate from the back yard (it is in fact the dominant feature). I have a new baby, and being a mom who would like her child to make it to, you know, at least mid-adulthood, I am very uncomfortable with this pool situation.
I believe firmly in CONSTANT VIGILANCE around bodies of water. I also believe that I, let alone anyone else, am barely capable of this vigilance. So, these in-laws, they also have taken a spare bedroom and converted it into a nursery (catching the drift yet?) so that our son could spend the night there. And that will happen, but at the point that he starts walking I’m going to lose all willingness to let him stay at their house until either a.) they fill the pool in with cement or b.) create some sort of safeguard against him getting outside other than a sliding door. So basically, how do I explain this to them?
Signed, Concerned Mom
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Dear Concerned,
The good news is that in your quest for constant vigilance, you have the American Academy of Pediatrics on your side. Not only do they suggest that you watch your children like a hawk trained in CPR, but they would prefer if you avoided getting a pool until your child was at least five years old. So, basically just tell them that they must move to a house that does not have a pool. Or, as an alternative, they can follow the AAP suggestions. Their choice.
In speaking to your future in-laws, start out solemnly, by outlining your concerns and discussing the AAP’s protocol. Are they willing to get a pool cover? Put a fence around the pool? Learn CPR?
If they are unconvinced, despite your speaking to them in curse-free English, bring over a casserole and discuss the all too plentiful summer drowning tragedies that are so often in the news. Remind them how it takes just a moment. About how there so many precautions. About how it’s the right thing to do. Make a commitment that you will start your son in swimming classes so that he can enjoy the gorgeous pool, but ask them to do their share.
I can’t guarantee that your future in-laws will agree with you right away, but they will recognize that you are serious and immovable about this. They don’t have to like it, but they have to respect it. And if they don’t, you have the option of not letting your son stay at their house without you. Until he’s gotten his Michael Phelps certification, that is.
Good luck!
Marinka, TMH
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Never Stiff The Babysitter
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have been interviewing for new babysitters, and found one I like. I want her to come next week to meet with the kids for 1/2 hour or so, and then one more time after that so they can get to know her while I’m there. Do I pay her for this?
Signed,
Pay to Play?
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Dear Pay to Play,
You like this sitter, yes? You would like this sitter to spend precious time with your priceless offspring, yes? Then, in a word, YES. And, duh. Though your sweet angels may be the most glorious creatures on earth to you, nobody but blood relatives or close friends wants to be with them voluntarily. Especially someone who gets paid to watch children.
When I babysat, a million years ago, I ranked my clients in terms of what they paid me, how good their snack food was and how bearable their children were. If I came over for more than 15 minutes, I would expect to be paid. Period. If the parent stiffed me, I would most likely lose their number, or at least save them for times when I was really desperate. And I would probably tarnish their reputation all over the babysitting world.
If you’d like to keep this sitter around, pay her and pay her well. Always round up and invest in some yummy snacks. Don’t cancel at the last minute and don’t run two hours late without calling. Treat her with the same respect that you want your children treated.
Good care is hard to find, and to quote one of my all time favorite movies “don’t fuck with the babysitter.” The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.
Sincerely,
Jill, TMH
Thank you so much to our wonderful guest Mouthy Housewife– Jill from Scarymommy–for filling in this week. Be sure to visit her fantastic blog!
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It’s a Plane Engine, It’s My Husband Snoring!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My Husband snores. A Lot. So much that it wakes my two year old and me since we co-sleep. We’ve tried everything (from kicking him off the bed, literally, punching him, poking him, and the occasionally yelling “stop snoring”) and I just dont know what to do anymore. We’ve tried every OTC crap and nothing works on him. How the hell do I get him to get treated by a doctor and stop snoring? I don’t want to have to smother him with a pillow.
Signed,
A Very Loving Wife About to Smother Her Snoring Husband.
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Dear Pre-Smotherer,
Funny, I have a similar problem. I want to smother him, but am afraid to ruin the pillow.
Because of my husband’s snoring, I’ve laid awake many a night, plotting his demise. Hours that I could have better spent catching up on the first few seasons of Rock of Love and other forms of self- improvement.
I see that you’ve already tried some tricks that I was going to suggest, but, as with so many things in life, it’s all in the timing. For example, when you lovingly tap him, in the hopes to wake him up so that he’ll stop the snoring, are you ready to fall asleep the second that he wakes up? Because the immediate-fall-asleep-before-snoring-resumes is essential.
Also, you can encourage him (by rolling him over) to sleep on his side, since in my experience, snoring is a lot worse when the sleeper is on his back (the snoring is almost entirely eliminated, however, when the snorer is cleaning the kitchen after you’ve gone to bed).
Check out this website that provides all sorts of advice for the snorer and the people who love him (why does it always seem to be a him?). Just be warned that the tips include losing weight (always easy and fun!) and not taking medication (not great advice if you’re trying to control your blood pressure!).
Your instincts about getting him medical treatment are correct. Speak to him about your concerns about his health, to say nothing of your sanity. Bribe him with “I’m sure there is a simple medical solution that is painless and will involve lots of sex” crap. Ultimately, however, if he refuses, explain to him that his snoring interferes with your and your child’s sleep and you are worried about the way that it is affecting all of you. Between the enticement and the guilt, he should be dashing to the doctor’s office in no time. Which would be a perfect time for you to take a nap.
Sweet Dreams,
Marinka, TMH
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A,B,C,D can you guess which size is me?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Lately I’ve been preoccupied with what I think is my boyfriend’s love of large breasts. I have seen his internet browsing preferences (busty, blond etc) and I am quite the opposite: dark hair, petite build, flat as a board.
Just the other day he was looking at pictures of Jessica Simpson in all her boobtastic glory. Also, the woman he was seeing before we met was stacked. These things combined have resulted in me thinking he is not really all that attracted to me. Rationally I understand a man would not date a woman he is not physically attracted to, but I feel like he might prefer I was a lot more “gifted” in that area. I have even started pointing out celebs or other women who are large chested and making comments like “yep, there goes your type”. Healthy? Endearing quality? Yeah, I didn’t think so either.
He tells me he doesn’t care, but when I see proof of him “appreciating” these types of women (porn, celeb gawking, former relationships) I can’t help but think he’s just feeding me a line of BS. Do you think I need to drink a cold glass of shut the hell up and stop giving my man a hard time? In everyday life I am truly not this crazy.
Thanks,
Bosom Buddy
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Dear Bosom (or should I say a lack thereof),
To be clear I am breastly challenged myself and I’m still waiting for my car sticker to come in the mail so that I could park closer to Nordstrom’s bra department.
Some men are boob guys, some butt and others leg men but that normally isn’t all they look for in a woman and I pretty positive your case is no exception. Now if a size D set of breasts could also make a guy laugh and cook him a kick ass lasagna, okay, sure, perhaps your man would have never hooked up with the likes of you, but last I checked there is no known case of a pair of tits touring the United States doing stand up.
As far as your taking the time to point out other big breasted women, well, first of all, trust me, he sees them probably way before you do and second, until he starts pointing out to you men with giant….wallets (what did you think I was going to say?), don’t feel like it is your obligation to play tour guide through the streets of boobieland.
Everyone gets insecure now and again. I still have trouble standing in a room with a girl who has long legs because mine are so short and when I say girl I mean she could be seven and I’m all “I bet she can just wear pants right of the rack”, type of jealous, but in the end, I am what I am and I have to accept that.
However, what I can promise you is although different men seem to “prefer” different parts of a woman’s body, none of them takes a liking to neediness, ever, so start appreciating all that you do have and if in the end that is not enough for your boyfriend, it will be for someone else.
Take care.
Love,
Jessica, TMH
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Husband is a Workaholic, Wife is Going Nuts
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband is a workaholic. It’s bad enough he works in a city far enough away to warrant overnight stays 3 times a week, but he also loads on more work so lately he is away 5. He says he does it because he can’t turn down the money. In the meantime, I am home raising our three kids, mostly alone. He prefers I not work, but I am feeling completely trapped and bored out of my skull.
On one hand, shouldn’t I feel lucky I’m not burdened with money worries? On the other, I miss working and when I married, I did NOT plan on having a partner that was so absent. I am lonely as hell. I’ve searched local colleges and universities to brush up on things and get back in the work force, thinking it might just give me the confidence and employment power to leave him.
My question is am I losing my freaking mind? At 43, am I ready to be a single parent to three kids? Do I work on the barely there marriage or move on?
Sincerely,
Married but Lonely
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Dear Married but Lonely,
Let’s see, you’re raising three kids mostly alone. I’d say chances are high that you are losing your freaking mind. Those rabid monkeys that sometimes resemble human offspring (say, when they finally fall asleep) can drive anyone crazy if left with them 24/7 with no relief.
I suppose it doesn’t hurt to be grateful that you’re free of money worries, but that doesn’t mean you can’t desire more fulfillment in your marriage and life in general. I’m afraid I can’t tell you whether to work on your marriage or leave, although I think when children are involved, spouses should give every effort before calling it quits.
The most obvious, make sure your husband knows how you feel. It’s surprising how mindless they can be when it comes to these things. Men should come with one of those dense fog warnings so we know when they are too thick to see beyond the nose on their face.
Since your husband is working extra nights, make that extra cash work for you. Hire a part-time nanny so you can get some relief with the children. I don’t know about you but just being able to run a half day’s errands all alone saves me from institutional commitment, especially if those errands include a trip to the wine aisle in Target.
And if you aren’t sure you want to return to work, try volunteer work first. You get the benefit of having a purpose outside the home, interaction with other adults, plus setting your own schedule. Perhaps after a stint of volunteer work, you’ll have a better idea if you’re ready to be a single, working mom.
Good luck. This married with children thing is tough. I didn’t plan on having a partner who thinks the biblical story of forty days and forty nights refers to how long men are allowed to stay in the bathroom. I guess life throws us all sorts of curve balls.
Sincerely,
Heather, TMH
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