2010 February | The Mouthy Housewives

12 Feb

My Friend Is Dowdy. How Do I Help?

When Stephanie Smirnov agreed to do a guest post for The Mouthy Housewives, I squealed with joy. And not just because it meant that I had one less post to write. Stephanie is a sort of Wonder Woman: wife (to a RUSSIAN!), mother, high powered professional and super glamorous, to boot. If she weren’t so nice and wonderful, I’d really have to work extra-hard to contain my envy. Stephanie’s blog, PR Mama, is always smart and fun, so make sure to check it out! — Marinka, TMH

__________________

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I love my best friend from college, but her look is so dated. She’s got tons of gray hairs, her make-up is the same make-up she wore in 1993 and her clothes are just awful. So dowdy. I love her to death, but she is making herself look years older. Any thoughts on how to improve her look without hurting her feelings?
Signed,

Fashion Plate

_______________________________

Dear Fashion Plate,

I’d love to know just what kind of a 1993 look your friend is rocking. It wasn’t all bad back then – Meg Ryan in Sleepless in Seattle and Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal? That’s right – 1993. Serious cuteness. I am nothing if not intuitive, however and the angst in your note suggests your girlfriend’s look leans more towards “Designing Women” and “The Nanny.” Which is troubling, but solvable.

I see two options for you:

#1: Abdicate responsibility. Fire up an episode of “What Not to Wear” on the DVR the next time your friend’s heading your way for a visit. If you act sufficiently engrossed, she’ll probably join you on the couch and if you’re lucky, absorb the style and beauty lessons of Clinton and Stacy and their hair and makeup gurus automatically. Your friend will come away inspired to go shopping for a cute jacket that “gives her a waist” and a box of Clairol Perfect 10 without you ever having to say a word.

#2: Throw yourself under the bus. Tell her you’re feeling frumpy and out of date and would she accompany you on a girls’ day out of beauty and clothes shopping? Say you need the company and moral support. The assumption is she will get swept up in the makeover fun herself and be open to fashion advice. This doesn’t have to be expensive, and if you’re clever, you can enlist professionals to do your dirty work. Most department stores offer free personal shopping services; call to book one for the two of you and let them know in advance that your real agenda is to help update your friend’s look. They’ll do the heavy lifting. Same strategy for the makeup makeover. That same department store has legions of beauty advisers working the counters of their cosmetic department just waiting to give you a free consultation. Swing by the counter the day before, make a small purchase from one of the ladies to butter her up, and enlist her in your effort. When you come back the next day with your friend, she’ll be armed with blush brushes and mascara wands and ready to rumble.

I suppose there is a third option, but it’s the most challenging and potentially the most painful. Which is to be flat-out honest with your friend. But knowing how sensitive this topic is, no one would judge you for taking a more circuitous approach. Though not too circuitous because unless a “Designing Women” revival is on the pop culture horizon, she really needs your help.

Good luck,

Stephanie, Guest TMH

________________________________________________

Hang on to your maxi-pads, ladies, because we’ve got an exciting new giveaway this week! One lucky reader will win a copy of Elissa Stein & Susan Kim’s fabulous new book FLOW: The Cultural History of Menstruation! As Library Journal put it, FLOW discusses that time of the month with “wit, sarcasm, and common sense . . . the authors use a pop culture lens to posit a modern, feminist, female perspective on menstruation.” We love this book.

To enter, simply leave a comment this week on one of our posts and/or send us a question to ask@mouthyhousewives.com. Whichever you decide to do, please mention FLOW so you’ll be entered in the contest. Good luck!

The BlogHer Housewives Scoop:

Fabulous news on the cocktail front… The Mouthy Housewives are throwing a happy hour party at BlogHer 2010 this summer!! If you want to find out all the details and how to sign up when the time comes, join our Facebook group by clicking here.

And remember, whether you’re going to BlogHer or not, we need your votes!! Aunt Becky, Marinka, Wendi, and I (of The Mouthy Housewives and Mommy Wants Vodka) have put in for a Room of our Own on how to create a successful, entertaining advice site.

So please just click here, log on to BlogHer and then click “I would attend this session” (it’s just above the title: Dear Abby 2.0). After you click it it will miraculously say “I would not attend this session.” This means that your vote for the session has been successfully registered. Thank you!

13 Comments <-- Click to comment

11 Feb

Married to a Porn King

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’m 28 and have been married for 2 years. The problem is that since we got married, we’ve had sex all of 15 times. (I’m counting!) We had premarital sex and he enjoyed it then; it was the first time for both of us.

But now he is full of excuses! When we go to bed, he’s tired, has a headache, or hurt himself “down there” while bathing, etc. I’m sure he isn’t cheating on me. Instead, he has the largest collection of porn in the city, and he spends a lot of time watching it. He masturbates enough, so everything must work “down there.”

When I ask why we don’t have sex, he says I don’t turn him on anymore. Other than the sex, he’s a great husband. But I’m still worried about our sex life and if I’m doing something to turn him off.

Can you help?

Signed,
Wife of Porn King

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Wife of Porn King,

Some people might advise you to make more of an effort to entice your husband, such as buying a wardrobe of kinky lingerie and practicing Kama Sutra. But then, some people are prime candidates for a lobotomy.

Others might tell you to turn the porn viewing into a couple’s experience and join him in the masturbation fest. But then again, others need their brain rewired through electric shock treatments.

I, on the other hand, believe in taking the spiritual path to solve problems large and small, so I consulted the holiest of holy books, The Bible. In it, I found sage advice, which I think applies to your situation.

In OMFG 2:15, it said this:

Get thyself to a marriage counselor quickithly

I recommend you follow the scripture.

It also can’t hurt to drive your husband down to Hattiesburg, MS and let him room with Tiger Woods at the residential treatment center; it sounds like they have some things in common. Who knows, maybe your husband can not only get help with his porn addiction (it sounds as if he is addicted) but also on his golf swing too.

That’s the best I can do for you, oh Lady Wife of the Porn King. We Mouthy Housewives are astute when it comes to human behavior, but we’re also smart enough to know when a problem needs professional help, and sex addictions fall into that category.

Signed,
Heather, TMH

P.S. What in the world is your husband bathing with, a Brillo pad?

________________________________________________

The BlogHer Housewives Scoop:

12 Comments <-- Click to comment

10 Feb

Lonely Girl and the Absent Hubby

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have been married for 25 years. My husband and I are both in our mid-40′s. About five years ago, my husband lost his job and he has had three different jobs since then. He currently works 12-14 hour days, sometimes works weekends and never even calls during the day to say “hi.” I work a full time job, take care of the house, and help out our kids (who live at home while attending college).

I am feeling extremely lonely at this time. I have asked my husband to come home for dinner at least a few nights a week, but this never happens. I am getting very resentful. I feel like since all he does is work, we have nothing in common anymore and nothing to talk about. He thinks I am a nag, unrealistic and since the economy is so bad, I should be happy he is working. But this is supposed to be our life “together.” Counseling at this point is too costly (with kids in college). What should I do?

Signed,

Our Life Together is Falling Apart

_________________________________

Dear Life Together,

Lonely girl, listen to me. You are hardly a nag. You just want a real and loving relationship with your husband. He should be calling you in the middle of the day to just say “hi” and he should find his way home for dinner a few nights a week. Man, I would even want a shoulder massage now and then, but let’s not push our luck just yet.

This economy is sucking everyone’s wallets dry. And I’m sure your husband is worried about losing his job again. But he should also be concerned about losing his wife. Because you are clearly unhappy. So here’s the plan:

Step One: You need to go find yourself some joy without his help. Reconnect with some friends, go to some movies, join a book club, start painting, take a Zuma dance class, start a blog, visit some museums, whatever appeals to you. Because your happiness can not be completely wrapped up in your husband.

Step Two: You mentioned that you have kids in college and money is extremely tight, but you know what is more expensive than counseling? Divorce. Seriously. You and your husband need to see a therapist AS SOON AS POSSIBLE because he’s not taking your needs seriously.

Some therapists will work on a sliding scale so you pay what you can afford. So call around. Or if you can really afford nothing, find an impartial, trustworthy third party (a mutual friend, a religious adviser or a teacher) who can sit down with the two of you so you can both communicate your needs. Just don’t ask your neighbor Nosy Nancy because that lady will give briefings to the whole town on your marital problems before the first session is even over. And we all know she’s one to talk!

There’s a reason you and your husband have been together for 25 years. I have every faith that you two will get through this with some love, understanding and hard work.

Good luck to you and keep us posted,

Kelcey, TMH

_________________________________

The BlogHer Housewives Scoop:

4 Comments <-- Click to comment

09 Feb

You’re Like, So Totally Braggadocious

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have a friend whose life is going very well. I know this because she tells me about it all the time. Like many people, I am out of work and very single, and even though I’ve told her this, she still goes on and on about how great her marriage is and how much money she is making. How do I get her to stop?

Signed,

Enough Already

_____________________________

Dear Enough Already,

I completely agree that it’s totally annoying when someone won’t stop telling you how wonderful their life is. In fact, just last week when I was hanging out at Canyon Ranch drinking champagne and getting a salt scrub on my size-2 perfectly shaped behind, my BFF Gwyneth Paltrow would just not shut up about how fabulous she is. “I know you’re perfect, Gwyneth,” I sighed as Rico, the muscular pool boy slowly gyrated in front of my unwrinkled, youthful face, “but my life is just so awful in comparison to yours. For the love of God, Gwynnie, my diamond ring is only 10 carats! Ten! That’s five carats less than the chubby Kardashian’s! Oy vey, my life sucks! Hey, you gonna finish that lobster truffle?”

My point is there’s always going to be someone better off than you. It’s just the way the world works. And we should definitely try to be happy when our friends are doing well. However, if good fortune happens to turn our friends into smug, self-centered and insensitive jerks, then that’s another story. That’s when we move on to Operation Dump They Ass.

Since you’ve told her that her bragging bothers you and she still continues to do it, I don’t see the point in continuing the friendship a minute longer. Simply let her know that you’re far too busy clipping coupons and trolling for eligible men at the assisted living home to hang out any more. (Maybe wear some socks with big holes in them and eat cat food out of the tin while you’re saying this.) It’s never easy to end a friendship, but the fact is, nobody needs someone in their life who makes them feel inadequate and ignored.

And that’s exactly what I told Gwyneth right before I threw her Oscar into the landfill.

Love,

Wendi, TMH

_________________________________

11 Comments <-- Click to comment

08 Feb

Help! My Almost-Stepson is Not Growing Up!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I am engaged to a wonderful, kind and supportive man. I love him very much and I know he loves me. (You should see the rock! I kid, I kid.) He was married before and he has three adult sons, and even though there is quite an age difference between my future husband and myself, we are okay with it.

The problem is his youngest son who is just six months older than I am. He never had a good relationship with his father before, but now that I’m in the picture, (and have been for the past four years) he is downright hostile. He will not come to our home for family get-togethers, nor will he return his father’s phone calls. The only thing that he is receptive to is taking money from us, but I’ve now put my foot down on giving him any more. After all, I worked my way through college and grad school with very little help from my parents. He is 30 years old and almost flunking out of grad school, so I think it’s time for him to be an adult.

Am I wrong? Am I being too harsh? I’m tired of being used, but my fiance had our first fight about this. Help!

Sincerely,

No More Hand-Outs
_______________________________________

Dear No More Hand-Outs,

I consulted with my 8-year-old son about this, and he agrees with you. He said definitely don’t give this kid any more money because you probably will need it yourself. That’s advice is worth its weight in gold.( The bill is in the mail.)

And I agree with you, too. A 30-year-old man is, indeed, an adult who, barring some limitation, should be able to pay his own way. And what would really help him reach his earning potential is if his father stopped doling out money.

I hope you know that you can’t fix the father-son relationship, so resolve right now to quit trying. (And if you haven’t even started trying, brava! Good call!) But on the issue of finances, I’m afraid that you and your fiance will have to revisit Your First Fight. Make it festive and celebratory. It’s an anniversary of sorts, after all.

Discuss with your fiance what your financial expectations are (try not to work “and of course you’ll leave me a huge inheritance” into the conversation). Will the two of you be combining your finances, keeping separate accounts or a hybrid of the two? If your fiance expects you to contribute to his son’s upkeep, voice your feelings on the subject. If he doesn’t expect you to chip in, but wants to continue to pay for his son, set a budget that passes your gag test.

And if all else fails, feel free to quote my 8-year-old to your fiance.

Be$t wi$hes,
Marinka, TMH