Gwyneth Says No To Botox: The Mouthy Housewives Come To Her Rescue.
Happy Friday everyone! The Mouthy Housewives were just seconds away from pouring ourselves a margarita to get the weekend started when we heard some startling news. In a recent interview, 39-year-old Gwyneth Paltrow was quoted as saying, “I’ll take my wrinkles. I don’t like the Botox thing.” Apparently, she plans to grow old gracefully? WTF?
We immediately recognized this as a call for help. So we have compiled a list of ways Paltrow can maintain her youthful glow without the help of Botox. Such as:
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Hang out with the cast of Cocoon. Wait, are they all dead?! Even better.
Never smile again. Smiles = wrinkles.
Make Apple give youth inducing facials each night.
Start taking the latest health craze: human growth hormone. That sounds organic enough.
Use cream made of crushed blood diamonds. Make sure it’s all natural!
Never travel without own soft-white light source.
Let Cher bite your neck. If the rumors are true, you’ll soon have sparkly skin and never get a day older.
Never take pictures with Moses and Apple. Their skin is too youthful.
Start lying about age. 80 never looked so good!
Adopt a Shar-Pei. One of the extra-wrinkly variety.
Get huge boob implants: nobody will be lookin’ at your mug when you suddenly have honkin’ hooters to say ‘hi’!
Conspire with BFFs Madonna and Stella McCartney to make laugh lines the newest fashion must-have accessory.
Market line of snap-on wrinkles to Rooney Mara and other wrinkleless sufferers.
Get Botocks. It’s totally not Botox.
Two words: Invisible. Tape.
Take up boxing or elective oral surgery. A swollen face erases fine lines!
Listen, if they can clone a sheep, they can clone you a back-up face.
Who’s up for a year-long masquerade party?!
So good luck, Gwynnie! We can’t wait to see how you’ll try to make us all look inadequate when you’re in your 40′s!
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Pubic Enemy #1
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I don’t know how to put this delicately, so I’m just going to say it: Do other women have problems with ingrown bikini hairs? Or do I alone have some kind of messed up crotch hair situation? It doesn’t matter what method of hair removal I use – shaving, waxing, plucking – I still get them every single time, which really pisses me off as a feminist. Men don’t have to do ANYTHING to their crotch hair before a trip to the beach! Where’s the equality in that? Help!
Signed,
Sally Stubble Crotch
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Dear Sally Stubble Crotch,
First of all, my apologies for just now getting to your question, which I see you sent in last July when you were right in the middle of swimsuit season. So—oopsie! Hope you weren’t too ostracized at the neighborhood pool for looking like a hot, nasty mess in your nether regions, my friend.
But the good news is it’s now January and therefore your hoo-hah is most likely under wraps. (Well, unless you’re some kind of “Craigslist model.”) But as all women know, winter is always a good time for the regrowth and reforestation of the pubes, so I advise you to just let your body do what’s natural right now. It’s what we in the professional beauty business call the “Wintering Hippie” phase. Doobage smoking and tie-dye t-shirt optional, of course.
But, come spring, it’s time to take Bikini Action! My internet research on ingrown pubic hairs, the visuals of which will scar me until my untimely death, tells me that people with coarse, dark hair are usually the most affected and that they must resist the urge to “perform DIY surgery” on their owie spots. Yeah. Shudder at that one. But I did find this website to be very informational.
I also read that you may want to consider either laser hair removal and/or electrolysis, which are permanent solutions. They might be costly and take some time, but they also supposedly work really well on dark hair and prevent future ingrown hairs. Yay! (Readers—weigh in if you’ve had this done and lived to tell the tale.)
Of course, if you’re truly upset about having to do anything to your pubic hair, then just leave it au natural. I, for one, would be happy to see a woman walking around the pool with a huge Afro poking out of her bikini bottoms. Mostly because it’d distract people from looking at my thunder thighs, but also because it’d show society that we women are free to do whatever the hell we want with our pubic hair. Especially if it doesn’t cause us any unnecessary pain.
Good luck!
Wendi, TMH
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Friday Fun: Spot The Fake Nail Polish Color!
Are you ready for the joyous holiday season? And more importantly, are your nails? And toes?! Because what if someone whisks you off on a Caribbean vacation? You don’t want to experience the humiliation of winter toe nails.
On a recent trip to the pedicureporium, we couldn’t help but notice that some of the nail polish colors names were a bit, well, unusual. So we have compiled them here for you in pairs. In each pair, one is a real nail polish color and the other we made made up.
See if you can spot the fake one in each grouping.
The person who guesses the most fake colors correctly, gets whisked away on a Caribbean vacation. That she will plan and pay for herself. We’ll provide the whisk. We are housewives, you know.
Have fun!
Spot the Fake Nail Polish Color!
Be-Clause I Said So
I Saw a MILF Kissing Santa Claus
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Off My Chest-Nut
Chest-Nuts To You
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Egg You On Nog
Don’t Be Eggnogious
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Stop Stocking Me
Stocking Hanging On My Legs
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Sugar Plum Fairies Gone Wild
Ain’t Yo’ Mama’s Sweetened Fairies
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Naughty Is the New Nice
Nice is Your Mother’s Naughty
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The Mistletoe Position
Keep Me On My Mistletoe
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Shopping Frenzy
Black Friday Redux
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Mouthing Off: On Makeup & Character
Hello, there! I’m here today conducting a highly scientific research study. If you could kindly take a moment to answer the following questions:
1. Have you recently run to the grocery store without first checking the mirror to freshen your face?
2. Have you hosted a playdate in your living room without thinking about putting on some makeup?
3. Do you go to work fresh-faced and makeup-free?
4. Ever let your husband and/or children see you in the morning BEFORE APPLYING YOUR FACE?!
If you answered “yes” or “sometimes” or “maybe” to any of the above questions, I’m afraid I have some unsettling news:
THE WORLD HATES YOU.
No, it’s true! Or, at least it’s true according to a recent study published by Harvard-educated scientists and psychologists. If you want to believe THOSE hacks.
::applies foundation::
As part of that study, 25 women were given four looks. One was no makeup, one was “natural” makeup, another was “professional” makeup, and the final was “glamorous.” Each look was photographed, which created 100 images. Those images were then shown to two groups of people, and each of them was asked to rate the person’s trustworthiness, character, and attractiveness.
::blushes cheeks::
GUESS WHO LOST?! That’s right. You there, with no makeup on. YOU LOST. THE WORLD HATES YOU.
::curls lashes::
It was concluded that the women wearing no makeup were the lowest rated in all three categories. This was the result for onlookers who had anywhere from a moment to unlimited time to analyze the photo and make their assertions. So no more au naturel for you, eh?
Except, wait a minute.
Because, for a study being conducted by such renowned scientists, this study is utterly unscientific. I’m no PhD, but I vaguely remember something about VARIABLES (also something about Buckyballs, but I don’t think that’s applicable here). The fact that it’s entirely comprised of qualitative data should also raise a flag or two. Furthermore, it’s a fairly small-scale study…something that should only suggest further study is needed, and not something that should draw any conclusions about my complexion, because IT’S GENETIC, OK?! GET OFF ME.
Oh! And there’s one! more! thing! There’s also the fact that this study was sponsored by none other than Proctor & Gamble. A company that has just released a new makeup line based on Bio-Chromatics, which “combines the principles of chemistry, optics and psychology to create biology-based color products.”
Coincidence?
Bitch, PLEASE.
I think it’s already fairly well established that our culture prefers pretty things, pretty people…even pretty thoughts. But modern women? I daresay we are smarter, more unified, and stronger than ever. So don’t you dare insult us with your little makeup pseudo-science.
(I don’t care WHAT you say about the pimple in the middle of my forehead.)
Because the result *I’m* seeing here is that the world has some seriously skewed images of character. By no means does this have *anything* to do with our friggin’ mascara.
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Tattoo You! And Maybe Me
It’s time for a Guest Mouthy post, where a very smart friend of The Mouthy Housewives takes over for the day while The Mouthy Housewives attend some mandatory Continuing Education in the Advice Giving Arts classes. Today we’re lucky to have Kristen, she of Rage Against the Minivan and of She Posts. She’s so smart and funny that we don’t even mind that she’s beautiful. Much. -Marinka
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My boyfriend told me that he wants us to tattoo our each other’s names on our bodies. I’m not into it. Now he’s all hurt. I do love him, but I don’t love the idea. I think it’ll hurt and his name is long. Also, I’m 35. Isn’t it too old to start inking? My kids would flip.
Signed,
Ink-Free
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Dear Ink-Free,
I don’t blame you for being hesitant to tattoo a boyfriend’s name on your body. You’re right . . . tattoos hurt. But you know what hurts even worse? Tattoo removal.
I think one red flag to me in this scenario is that he is your boyfriend, not your husband. You haven’t even made the commitment of walking down the aisle together, so why would you want to permanently put his name on your body? Your hesitancy is completely reasonable. The fact that his feelings are hurt is also concerning. Does he want to brand you? Or control you? Will he feelings be hurt every time you don’t comply with a crazy-ass request?
Even if he was your husband, though, my advice would be the same. DON’T DO IT. I’ve been a marriage and family therapist for 10 years, and the only thing more predictable in leading to the break-up of a marriage than sleeping with someone else? Getting a tattoo of your partner’s name*. It is almost inevitable that you break up. The name tattoo is the ultimate relationship jinx. Think you’ve found your soul mate? Tattoo his name on your arm and let me know how things are going in a year.
If you are really keen on tattoos, then you should get a tattoo. Not because he wants you to, but because you want to have a tattoo on your body. My sister-in-law’s grandma is 82 and just got a tattoo of Betty Boop on her arm – you’re never too old to ink. If you want to have something meaningful to this particular relationship, make it symbolic enough that it’s not completely specific to one person. Something that can stand alone when or if you break up. Something that you don’t have to explain in your next relationship, or to your future children with someone by another name.
And please, for the love of all things design, no vine of roses around the ankle or tribal symbols on your lower back. We’ve seen enough of those, haven’t we? Pinterest is a great place to get inspiration for tasteful, modern tattoos. They also have great ideas for crafting. Maybe needle-pointing his name on a pillow would be a more practical solution.
Sincerely,
Kristen, Guest TMH
*This fact has not been verified by actual science
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