Help, My Daughter is Freakishly Hairy!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My ten-year-old daughter is tall and gorgeous with lovely olive skin and glowing green eyes. She’s also freakishly hairy. There is hair e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e. Her armpits, her legs, her fou-fou girly bits. Everywhere. What’s the best way to napalm this hair situation without making her feel self-conscious about it? I also don’t want to have to shave her daily to keep it at bay. But I can’t get an arm wax for my ten year old for goodness sake. Help!
Signed,
The Mother of Sasquatch
________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Mother of Sasquatch,
Hello, long lost relative! I’m so excited to find you! I, too, am tall, gorgeous with lovely olive skin and glowing green eyes. Did I also mention that I have black hair? I do, a LOT of it. Lots and lots of extra thick, curly, black hair.
I’ve been this way since the tender age of ten, just like your daughter. Wait, let me take that back. I was actually born hairy and my mother loves to regale people with the story of my hairy baby back. (That’s okay, when she’s old and decrepit, I’ll enjoy regaling everyone with the stories of playing hide-and-seek with her dentures.)
It was around age 10 that I became self-conscious of my Sasquatch heritage. Fourth grade turdhead boys began teasing me over my hairy arms and legs. It was horrible because I was just coming to an age where I began to care what boys thought, and there they were, making fun of something I couldn’t control.
In a torrent of tears, I begged my mother to allow me to shave, but she was torn. Fourth grade seemed awfully young to begin shaving and she said we couldn’t afford a new weed whacker. I persisted! I really wanted Ricky to be my boyfriend and no one, not even a cute boy with white trash parents, was going to ask a Planet of the Apes reject to be their girlfriend.
My mother relented and I am so glad she did. If your daughter is bothered by her hairiness, I suggest you do the same. And none of this “shave her daily” talk, as if you would do it for her. While I know teenage GPS implantations are just around the helicopter parenting corner, some of us parents have to keep the sanity for the rest of society. Instruct your daughter in the womanly art of shaving and, if she’s as motivated as I was at that age, she’ll be shaving independently in no time.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
23 Comments <-- Click to comment
Is That Your Perfume, Or Are We Being Fumigated?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Help! My roommate wears too much perfume. She is a lovely woman but she wears a ton of cheap perfume each day. She sprays it on in one end of our house and I can smell it upstairs at the opposite end before she’s even done spraying. It makes me want to gag and I have a hard time catching my breath. It’s a terrible way to start my day. I have been leaving all the windows open in the house to air it out but that isn’t gonna fly in our fast-approaching northern winter. What can I say to get her to ditch the perfume?
Signed,
Must You Marinate In It?
_____________________________________________________
Dear Marinate,
Oh, I’ve been there. Where your roommate is, I mean. I’d spray a gallon or two of the finest that Walgreen’s had to offer, and suddenly everyone within gagging distance would be wrinkling their noses and feigning fainting spells. So unnecessary when a simple, “nothing personal, but your perfume is making me sick!” will do the trick nicely.
I know that it’s popular to lie and say that you are allergic to her scent, and if you need that crutch, then by all means. But I think that there are others in her life who suffer along with you, and since you’re the first point of contact, you should take one for the team and just let her know. If you feel like you can’t be blunt and tell her, “you’re putting on way too much perfume on and it’s suffocating me,” I suggest that you engage her in a riveting round of Guess What I Find Annoying About You? After she submits one insecurity after another for your consideration, surprise her with “it’s your perfume!” She’s guaranteed to be relieved that it’s just that an not the fact that she’s a whore with daddy issues or her cankles.
Happy breathing!
Marinka, TMH
8 Comments <-- Click to comment
The Spray Tanorexic
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My sister has recently started getting spray tans at a salon. She thinks she looks amazing, but everybody else thinks she looks like a 150-lb. Oompa Loompa. Should we say something or just let her be happy and orange?
Signed,
Orange You Glad You’re Orange?
__________________________________
Dear Orange,
The Spray Tan. Oh, lawdy, the mothereffin’ spray tan. I have to admit that I’ve been on the receiving end of a pigment-filled hose a couple of times myself, however, once I realized I looked like Snooki’s illegitmate grandfather, I decided that cinnamon-hued skin wasn’t for me. No, I’ll just stick to my Whiter Shade of Pale, thank you very much. At least it makes it harder to find me in a snowstorm.
But let’s talk about your sister: it’s no wonder that she thinks spray tans are cool. I mean, just watch TV for a few minutes and you’ll get your fill of 6’5″ carrot men reading the news or trying to pass legislation. It’s like our entire country had sex with a race of Nacho Cheese Dorito aliens and now everybody glows in the dark and smells like rancid chow mein. A big waste of 50 bucks, if you ask me, but like I said—I’m happy in my honkyness.
Unlike your sister whose self-esteem is actually helped by turning herself another color. And to that I say “fine.” Vaya con Dios, Miss Tangerine. Get on down with your orange self. The best thing we can say is that at least she’s doing something slightly more healthy than frequenting an indoor tanning bed and baking herself to a crisp.
However, if you think there’s a chance—even a slim one—that she could find out about other people making fun of her, I think you need to intervene. You could do this very gently, like “Hey, sis, not everyone thinks you look very good with that spray tan” or you could do it very bluntly, like “Hey, sis, do you know the guys at the carwash call you ‘Carrot Top’s Crotch’?” Either one would work just fine.
But ultimately, if she’s an adult and what she’s doing isn’t hurting herself or anyone else, my advice is to just keep quiet and let spray tanning dogs lie. (But, um, not on the good couch, okay?)
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
5 Comments <-- Click to comment
Mouthy Housewives Tip of the Week!
Bonus tip! When you are filming sage advice, why not enlist your young child to do the camera work? My 8 year old used the JVC HD Everio to make this vlog. A big thank you to JVC, a sponsor of the Mouthy Housewives BlogHer 2010 Party in NYC!
8 Comments <-- Click to comment
Does This Bleach Make My Butt Look Pink?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
We had a huge 4th of July celebration – tons of family and friends, all at my house, which brings me to Monday morning. I was very tired, lying in bed and, please forgive me, I got caught up in the mindless Kardashians and their stupid show. It was on all day! My question is, what is anal bleaching and WHY? It seems all the girls are doing it?? We were afraid to look it up on our computer in fear of what other links would show their ugly heads. Can you help? What is it and WHY? WHY? WHY?
Signed,
Curious and Confused
_______________________________________________________________
Dear Curious and Confused,
I’m not sure of the answer myself, so I conducted a bit of field research in your honor. I took my 13-year-old cat into the laundry room and splashed bleach on her kitty rear end. I’m going to speculate that spilled bleach and six-inch long scratches down your arm are not the typical results of anal bleaching. I’m also shocked at my cat’s reaction to anal bleaching since she is constantly sticking her butt in my face. I thought she was asking for help.
Next I consulted my husband who I consider knowledgeable in all things weird and disturbing. After all, he knows Jabba the Hutt’s sexual preferences. With no thought to who may be in his office, I instant messaged to him “Anal bleaching!” to which he replied, “I can’t talk politics right now.” Wha?
I don’t know about you, but I’m only more confused. So I did the only thing left to do. At the risk of losing Google’s good opinion, I searched “anal bleaching.” Wikipedia was first up on results and gave this explanation:
Anal bleaching is used to lighten the color of the skin around the anus for cosmetic purposes, making it more uniform with the surrounding area.
Thank you, Wikipedia, I’ll never look at a bottle of Clorox the same again.
Now, as to why girls do it, I assume women like the Kardashians never learned of Charles Darwin and still use the mating practices of monkeys where they show off their pinkish-red butt to attract a mate. How positively primordial. Most other women use more evolved techniques, such as braces, breast augmentation, and tanning beds, which is a step up from monkey butt. But for those of us at the highest level of evolution, we use wit, intelligence and expensive hair products to broadcast our desirability.
Curious and Confused, I hope that answered your questions you. And also, I recommend Kérastase* hair products.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
*TMHs were not compensated by Kérastase in anyway, which is unfortunate in this humidity. I could certainly use Oléo-Relax before some primordial hussy asks my husband to scratch and sniff her pink butt.
