Karate Kid Said “Wax On, Wax Off” But He Wasn’t Referring To Lady Bits
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m back on the dating market after a long, drawn-out divorce and eager to meet a new guy. I know this is a little ridiculous, but my question is: do men prefer natural hair down below, or the 100% waxed, Brazilian look? And why?
Signed,
To Wax or Not to Wax
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Dear Wax No Wax,
Here at the Mouthy Housewives, we go that extra mile for our readers. So I decided to conduct a formal research project by polling men on this topic. I selected all of the men in my Facebook friends list and asked if they preferred a nude hoo-haa or a naturally hairy one and why. Two days later I find myself with no male friends on Facebook. I don’t understand what happened?
But who needs Facebook?! While at the library, I polled the men who happened to be there that day, which most were on an outing from an assisted living facility. I don’t think the elderly know what a Brazlian wax job is because they kept telling me to wash my mouth out with soap. What does that have to do with pubic hair?
In the end I could only get poll results from my husband and one of his friends. My research shows the following:
50% of men prefer a well-groomed natural look since a fully denuded hoo-haa reminds them of a prepubescent girl.
50% of men prefer a Brazilian waxed hoo-haa for its cleanliness and ease of maneuverability.
Are you wondering what in the world “ease of maneuverability” means in terms of lady bits? Me too! Then I realized that particular male subject is a close descendant of Sasquatch, thus having enough body hair for two people. Add any more hair into the mix and the friction creates a fire hazard.
So unless you are dating Sasquatch’s great great-grandson, I say it’s up to you. Some women swear the Brazilian upkeep brings more pleasure, and while I don’t reject the hypothesis, I do reject the pain, especially if the man doesn’t reciprocate by also waxing his manly bits. A full Brazilian, a bushy Sasquatch, or somewhere in between, discover your preference and forget the men.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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My Friend Is Dowdy. How Do I Help?
When Stephanie Smirnov agreed to do a guest post for The Mouthy Housewives, I squealed with joy. And not just because it meant that I had one less post to write. Stephanie is a sort of Wonder Woman: wife (to a RUSSIAN!), mother, high powered professional and super glamorous, to boot. If she weren’t so nice and wonderful, I’d really have to work extra-hard to contain my envy. Stephanie’s blog, PR Mama, is always smart and fun, so make sure to check it out! — Marinka, TMH
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Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I love my best friend from college, but her look is so dated. She’s got tons of gray hairs, her make-up is the same make-up she wore in 1993 and her clothes are just awful. So dowdy. I love her to death, but she is making herself look years older. Any thoughts on how to improve her look without hurting her feelings?
Signed,
Fashion Plate
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Dear Fashion Plate,
I’d love to know just what kind of a 1993 look your friend is rocking. It wasn’t all bad back then – Meg Ryan in Sleepless in Seattle and Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal? That’s right – 1993. Serious cuteness. I am nothing if not intuitive, however and the angst in your note suggests your girlfriend’s look leans more towards “Designing Women” and “The Nanny.” Which is troubling, but solvable.
I see two options for you:
#1: Abdicate responsibility. Fire up an episode of “What Not to Wear” on the DVR the next time your friend’s heading your way for a visit. If you act sufficiently engrossed, she’ll probably join you on the couch and if you’re lucky, absorb the style and beauty lessons of Clinton and Stacy and their hair and makeup gurus automatically. Your friend will come away inspired to go shopping for a cute jacket that “gives her a waist” and a box of Clairol Perfect 10 without you ever having to say a word.
#2: Throw yourself under the bus. Tell her you’re feeling frumpy and out of date and would she accompany you on a girls’ day out of beauty and clothes shopping? Say you need the company and moral support. The assumption is she will get swept up in the makeover fun herself and be open to fashion advice. This doesn’t have to be expensive, and if you’re clever, you can enlist professionals to do your dirty work. Most department stores offer free personal shopping services; call to book one for the two of you and let them know in advance that your real agenda is to help update your friend’s look. They’ll do the heavy lifting. Same strategy for the makeup makeover. That same department store has legions of beauty advisers working the counters of their cosmetic department just waiting to give you a free consultation. Swing by the counter the day before, make a small purchase from one of the ladies to butter her up, and enlist her in your effort. When you come back the next day with your friend, she’ll be armed with blush brushes and mascara wands and ready to rumble.
I suppose there is a third option, but it’s the most challenging and potentially the most painful. Which is to be flat-out honest with your friend. But knowing how sensitive this topic is, no one would judge you for taking a more circuitous approach. Though not too circuitous because unless a “Designing Women” revival is on the pop culture horizon, she really needs your help.
Good luck,
Stephanie, Guest TMH
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Hang on to your maxi-pads, ladies, because we’ve got an exciting new giveaway this week! One lucky reader will win a copy of Elissa Stein & Susan Kim’s fabulous new book FLOW: The Cultural History of Menstruation! As Library Journal put it, FLOW discusses that time of the month with “wit, sarcasm, and common sense . . . the authors use a pop culture lens to posit a modern, feminist, female perspective on menstruation.” We love this book.
To enter, simply leave a comment this week on one of our posts and/or send us a question to ask@mouthyhousewives.com. Whichever you decide to do, please mention FLOW so you’ll be entered in the contest. Good luck!
The BlogHer Housewives Scoop:
Fabulous news on the cocktail front… The Mouthy Housewives are throwing a happy hour party at BlogHer 2010 this summer!! If you want to find out all the details and how to sign up when the time comes, join our Facebook group by clicking here.
And remember, whether you’re going to BlogHer or not, we need your votes!! Aunt Becky, Marinka, Wendi, and I (of The Mouthy Housewives and Mommy Wants Vodka) have put in for a Room of our Own on how to create a successful, entertaining advice site.
So please just click here, log on to BlogHer and then click “I would attend this session” (it’s just above the title: Dear Abby 2.0). After you click it it will miraculously say “I would not attend this session.” This means that your vote for the session has been successfully registered. Thank you!
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Hazy Shade Of Winter
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
What’s the deal with winter beauty maintenance? Am I required to keep the toes polished, the lady parts trimmed and manicured and the legs shaved? I’ve sort of lost my mojo to keep everything in order since it’s always under a big bulky sweater anyway. Do I owe it to my husband to get things under control? I’d ask my friends but I’m too embarrassed. Please help.
Signed,
Hibernating Heidi
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Dear Hibernating Heidi,
I was just sitting here in front of the fire, braiding my leg hair and twirling my winter mustache, when I happened upon your letter. What great timing! Let me just push this bushy unibrow out of my eyes so we can discuss your issue in more detail.
Now, I’m assuming from your question that you don’t live somewhere like California or Florida where babescaping is de rigueur no matter what month of the year. I mean, I hear those sunbelt ladies even wear thong bikinis on Christmas Day. (And that’s how they end up on Santa’s “very, very nice” list.)
But since you’re living in the blustery hinterlands, I’m sure your main goal each winter is to just stay warm and not get your tongue stuck on a metal railing. Beauty be damned! And while this is an understandable approach, it happens to be one I would caution against for a couple of reasons.
First, even though your husband may say it’s okay that you haven’t shaved or exfoliated in months, trust me when I tell you that whenever you’re in an intimate embrace, the word running through his head isn’t “Goddess.” It’s “SASQUATCH.” As my mother always says, it’s never good to be the hairiest person in a relationship.
Second, taking a break from your beauty routine now will only cost you later. I learned this myself last spring when I went to the spa after letting myself go for a few months. Here’s an actual transcript of my bikini wax that day:
Me: Why does this hurt so much more than usual?
Waxer: Because you let it get too long over the winter and now I have to work overtime like a f*cking Teamster because your vajayjay looks like a deranged Chia Pet. RIIIIPPPPPPP!
Me: YAGHHHHHHHH!
And I don’t even want to tell you what my nail person said when she saw the barnacles and lichen growing on my heels.
So my advice, Heidi, is to spend at least a little time on your beauty this winter. Your husband (and your waxer) will thank you.
Love,
Wendi, TMH
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Lines, Lines, Lines, Yeah Eh
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I hate thongs, but I also hate panty lines. And I refuse to go commando because I’m scared of getting an infection and/or hurting some of my lady parts with my zipper. What do you advise?
Signed,
The Thong Is Wrong
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Dear Thong,
I hate to be the one to break it to you but wearing a thong is not the way to avoid panty lines. You see, when you do wear one, you get lines anyway, the only difference being they’re closer to that “God given” one better known as “your crack.”
In my world, the one where beauty takes a backseat to comfort and who cares if no one ever touches be again, wearing a thong is pretty much the equivalent of going commando anyway.
I’ve been given thong underwear in the past. The last time was Valentine’s Day 2007. He proceeded to hand me my gift and then never call me again. I was a bit bummed because clearly he knew that he would never ‘benefit’ from my wearing them and so the least he could have done was include the receipt so I could exchange the thong for a pair of fluffy slippers or something that I would actually use.
But enough about me, what do you think of the fact that my underwear touches my belly button? I jest, it actually covers my belly button. No, I’m kidding. Sorry, I’m writing this while high on Oreos.
Anyway, the bottom line is, (I know horrible pun) wearing a thong will on go so far in that what undergarments you should wear really depend more on they type of the fabric and color of your pants.
Click here and you’ll find several ways to solve your problem, none of which say you will need to walk around sans anything, you’ll be happy to know. So zip up with confidence my friend and just know that the penicillin is there if you need it but I have confidence you will be fine.
Good luck.
Jessica, TMH
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How To Be A Hot Mama For Less
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I live in an upper-middle class suburb. Most of the women here are very fit, and spend the majority of their time playing tennis and shopping. They also have stylish clothes, highlighted hair, and lots of plastic surgery so they all look very young and hot. I’d love to look like them, but I can’t afford it. Any tips on how to keep up with the Joans on a budget?
Signed,
Makeover Maddy
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Dear Makeover Maddy,
I think you already know the first thing I’m going to tell you—-that old spiel about how you shouldn’t care too much about your outward appearance, that it’s your inner beauty that really counts, and that people should just love you for who you are, warts and all. But you know what? Let’s not and say we did.
The truth is that sometimes mama needs a little sumpin’ sumpin’ to make her feel good about herself. However, despite what you may see on The Real Housewives of Skankville, that sumpin’ sumpin’ definitely doesn’t have to cost $10,000 and happen in a plastic surgeon’s office. Take a look at the discount beauty tips I found here, and here are some other ways you can look hot for less:
1. Diet and Exercise – Not as easy or as quick as a tummy tuck, but getting in shape can be practically free. Take advantage of one of the many calorie counting websites available, then get active by playing tennis on a municipal court or by just going for walks every day.
2. Hair – Some people recommend student beauticians for discount hair styling, but that idea always gives me flashbacks to “Beauty School Dropout” and pink hair, so let’s not go there. Instead, go to the newest (and usually cheapest) stylist at a good salon for your cut, then try an at-home highlight kit from the drugstore. (Click on the video to see how to do it the right way.)
3. Clothes – If your neighborhood is anything like mine, the women’s daily uniform is usually designer denim, a cute top, and nice shoes. Spend your money on one good pair of jeans and a pair of shoes at someplace like Nordstrom Rack, then wear them with cute tops from Target. Also, invest in a push-up bra that fits and you’ll look as perky as someone with a boob job.
4. Skin – Sunscreen, self-tanner and moisturizer can do wonders to keep you looking youthful, and so can many of the low-priced cosmetic lines in the drugstore. Also, many day spas offer discounts on facials during their slow weekday times, so take advantage of that. As far as Botox goes, it’s up to you whether or not you think it’s worth the money to look like Nicole Kidman in a windstorm.
So that’s it, Maddy. Try one or all of these tips and you’ll look more like those hotties in your neighborhood in no time. And if you don’t, I wouldn’t worry about it too much because it’s really what’s on the inside that counts.
Yeah, I said it.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
