We immediately recognized this as a call for help. So we have compiled a list of ways Paltrow can maintain her youthful glow without the help of Botox. Such as:

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Hang out with the cast of Cocoon. Wait, are they all dead?! Even better.
Never smile again. Smiles = wrinkles.

Make Apple give youth inducing facials each night.

Start taking the latest health craze: human growth hormone. That sounds organic enough.

Use cream made of crushed blood diamonds. Make sure it’s all natural!

Never travel without own soft-white light source.

Let Cher bite your neck. If the rumors are true, you’ll soon have sparkly skin and never get a day older.

Never take pictures with Moses and Apple. Their skin is too youthful.

Start lying about age.  80 never looked so good!

Adopt a Shar-Pei. One of the extra-wrinkly variety.

Get huge boob implants: nobody will be lookin’ at your mug when you suddenly have honkin’ hooters to say ‘hi’!

Conspire with  BFFs Madonna and Stella McCartney to make laugh lines the newest fashion must-have accessory.

Market line of snap-on wrinkles to Rooney Mara and other wrinkleless sufferers.

Get Botocks.  It’s totally not Botox.

Two words: Invisible. Tape.

Take up boxing or elective oral surgery. A swollen face erases fine lines!

Listen, if they can clone a sheep, they can clone you a back-up face.

Who’s up for a year-long masquerade party?!

So good luck, Gwynnie! We can’t wait to see how you’ll try to make us all look inadequate when you’re in your 40′s!

I don’t know how to put this delicately, so I’m just going to say it: Do other women have problems with ingrown bikini hairs? Or do I alone have some kind of messed up crotch hair situation? It doesn’t matter what method of hair removal I use – shaving, waxing, plucking – I still get them every single time, which really pisses me off as a feminist. Men don’t have to do ANYTHING to their crotch hair before a trip to the beach! Where’s the equality in that? Help!

Signed,

Sally Stubble Crotch

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Dear Sally Stubble Crotch,

First of all, my apologies for just now getting to your question, which I see you sent in last July when you were right in the middle of swimsuit season. So—oopsie! Hope you weren’t too ostracized at the neighborhood pool for looking like a hot, nasty mess in your nether regions, my friend.

But the good news is it’s now January and therefore your hoo-hah is most likely under wraps. (Well, unless you’re some kind of “Craigslist model.”) But as all women know, winter is always a good time for the regrowth and reforestation of the pubes, so I advise you to just let your body do what’s natural right now. It’s what we in the professional beauty business call the “Wintering Hippie” phase. Doobage smoking and tie-dye t-shirt optional, of course.

But, come spring, it’s time to take Bikini Action! My internet research on ingrown pubic hairs, the visuals of which will scar me until my untimely death, tells me that people with coarse, dark hair are usually the most affected and that they must resist the urge to “perform DIY surgery” on their owie spots. Yeah. Shudder at that one. But I did find this website to be very informational.

I also read that you may want to consider either laser hair removal and/or electrolysis, which are permanent solutions. They might be costly and take some time, but they also supposedly work really well on dark hair and prevent future ingrown hairs. Yay! (Readers—weigh in if you’ve had this done and lived to tell the tale.)

Of course, if you’re truly upset about having to do anything to your pubic hair, then just leave it au natural. I, for one, would be happy to see a woman walking around the pool with a huge Afro poking out of her bikini bottoms. Mostly because it’d distract people from looking at my thunder thighs, but also because it’d show society that we women are free to do whatever the hell we want with our pubic hair. Especially if it doesn’t cause us any unnecessary pain.

Good luck!

Wendi, TMH

On a recent trip to the pedicureporium, we couldn’t help but notice that some of the nail polish colors names were a bit, well, unusual. So we have compiled them here for you in pairs. In each pair, one is a real nail polish color and the other we made made up.

See if you can spot the fake one in each grouping.

The person who guesses the most fake colors correctly, gets whisked away on a Caribbean vacation. That she will plan and pay for herself. We’ll provide the whisk. We are housewives, you know.

Have fun!

Spot the Fake Nail Polish Color!

Be-Clause I Said So

I Saw a MILF Kissing Santa Claus

* * *

Off My Chest-Nut

Chest-Nuts To You

* * *

Egg You On Nog

Don’t Be Eggnogious

* * *

Stop Stocking Me

Stocking Hanging On My Legs

* * *
Sugar Plum Fairies Gone Wild

Ain’t Yo’ Mama’s Sweetened Fairies

* * *

Naughty Is the New Nice

Nice is Your Mother’s Naughty

* * *

The Mistletoe Position

Keep Me On My Mistletoe

* * *

Shopping Frenzy

Black Friday Redux

1. Have you recently run to the grocery store without first checking the mirror to freshen your face?

2. Have you hosted a playdate in your living room without thinking about putting on some makeup?

3. Do you go to work fresh-faced and makeup-free?

4. Ever let your husband and/or children see you in the morning BEFORE APPLYING YOUR FACE?!

If you answered “yes” or “sometimes” or “maybe” to any of the above questions, I’m afraid I have some unsettling news:

THE WORLD HATES YOU.

No, it’s true! Or, at least it’s true according to a recent study published by Harvard-educated scientists and psychologists. If you want to believe THOSE hacks.

::applies foundation::

As part of that study, 25 women were given four looks. One was no makeup, one was “natural” makeup, another was “professional” makeup, and the final was “glamorous.” Each look was photographed, which created 100 images. Those images were then shown to two groups of people, and each of them was asked to rate the person’s trustworthiness, character, and attractiveness.

::blushes cheeks::

GUESS WHO LOST?! That’s right. You there, with no makeup on. YOU LOST. THE WORLD HATES YOU.

::curls lashes::

It was concluded that the women wearing no makeup were the lowest rated in all three categories. This was the result for onlookers who had anywhere from a moment to unlimited time to analyze the photo and make their assertions. So no more au naturel for you, eh?

Except, wait a minute.

Because, for a study being conducted by such renowned scientists, this study is utterly unscientific. I’m no PhD, but I vaguely remember something about VARIABLES (also something about Buckyballs, but I don’t think that’s applicable here). The fact that it’s entirely comprised of qualitative data should also raise a flag or two. Furthermore, it’s a fairly small-scale study…something that should only suggest further study is needed, and not something that should draw any conclusions about my complexion, because IT’S GENETIC, OK?! GET OFF ME.

Oh! And there’s one! more! thing! There’s also the fact that this study was sponsored by none other than Proctor & Gamble. A company that has just released a new makeup line based on Bio-Chromatics, which “combines the principles of chemistry, optics and psychology to create biology-based color products.”

Coincidence?

Bitch, PLEASE.

I think it’s already fairly well established that our culture prefers pretty things, pretty people…even pretty thoughts. But modern women? I daresay we are smarter, more unified, and stronger than ever. So don’t you dare insult us with your little makeup pseudo-science.

(I don’t care WHAT you say about the pimple in the middle of my forehead.)

Because the result *I’m* seeing here is that the world has some seriously skewed images of character. By no means does this have *anything* to do with our friggin’ mascara.

source

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My boyfriend told me that he wants us to tattoo our each other’s names on our bodies. I’m not into it. Now he’s all hurt. I do love him, but I don’t love the idea. I think it’ll hurt and his name is long. Also, I’m 35. Isn’t it too old to start inking? My kids would flip.

Signed,

Ink-Free
_____________________________________

Dear Ink-Free,

I don’t blame you for being hesitant to tattoo a boyfriend’s name on your body. You’re right . . . tattoos hurt. But you know what hurts even worse? Tattoo removal.

I think one red flag to me in this scenario is that he is your boyfriend, not your husband. You haven’t even made the commitment of walking down the aisle together, so why would you want to permanently put his name on your body? Your hesitancy is completely reasonable.  The fact that his feelings are hurt is also concerning. Does he want to brand you? Or control you? Will he feelings be hurt every time you don’t comply with a crazy-ass request?

Even if he was your husband, though, my advice would be the same. DON’T DO IT. I’ve been a marriage and family therapist for 10 years, and the only thing more predictable in leading to the break-up of a marriage than sleeping with someone else? Getting a tattoo of your partner’s name*. It is almost inevitable that you break up. The name tattoo is the ultimate relationship jinx. Think you’ve found your soul mate? Tattoo his name on your arm and let me know how things are going in a year.

If you are really keen on tattoos, then you should get a tattoo. Not because he wants you to, but because you want to have a tattoo on your body. My sister-in-law’s grandma is 82 and just got a tattoo of Betty Boop on her arm – you’re never too old to ink. If you want to have something meaningful to this particular relationship, make it symbolic enough that it’s not completely specific to one person. Something that can stand alone when or if you break up. Something that you don’t have to explain in your next relationship, or to your future children with someone by another name.

And please, for the love of all things design, no vine of roses around the ankle or tribal symbols on your lower back. We’ve seen enough of those, haven’t we? Pinterest is a great place to get inspiration for tasteful, modern tattoos. They also have great ideas for crafting. Maybe needle-pointing his name on a pillow would be a more practical solution.

Sincerely,

Kristen, Guest TMH

*This fact has not been verified by actual science

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My sister in law keeps saying things like, “Remember, no whites after Labor Day!” and implying that because I’m in my mid-40s, I shouldn’t wear shorts.

I know she’s being obnoxious, but I do wonder if there are any “absolute” rules that I should be mindful of? Can you help me not become a fashion disaster?

Signed,

Fashionable Frieda

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Dear Frieda,

Upon reading about your bossypants sister-in-law the only rule that came to my mind is the “eyes on your own paper/mind your own business” rule!

But seriously when it comes to fashion, there are absolutely no rules.  If you wear what you like and what makes you feel pretty, you can’t go wrong.  But let’s address each of her issues.

Let’s start with the “no whites after Labor Day” myth.  Hello? Winter whites, beautiful cream? White is an all-year-round color and I personally live in my white jeans 12 months of the year – I love it with a black skinny turtleneck.  Ralph Lauren, Coco Chanel and Michael Kors, to name just three major designers/tastemakers, always have white in their fall/winter offerings.

As far as shorts are concerned: that is about your legs, NOT about your age.  If your legs are good, you can wear shorts at any age. Period.  That said, there are so many different styles/lengths of shorts these days that almost anyone can find a pair that works for them.  And by the way, if you could rock shorts in your 20s, you can probably still rock them now.

xoxo,

Liz Lange, Guest Mouthy Housewife

We have known for years that anorexia is a disease with life-threatening and lethal consequences. Yet the media continues to encourage unhealthy weight loss as a status symbol; the ultimate in female beauty. Is being a size 0 really worth dying for? Is it even, in true reality, beautiful?

Frankly, we don’t want to imagine a whole society based around the idea that Rachel Zoe is “curvy.”  Or  that Angelina Jolie needs to lose a few pounds! Since when did starving yourself become such an amazing experience? Sure, there’s Kate Moss and her favorite saying: “Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels,” but then we have to remember she’s a cokehead! Of course she’s NOT hungry! I mean, why eat a muffin when your teeth are just gonna fall out soon anyway? I came across a few other “Thinspiration tips” (for those not imbibing of the cocoa plant or bathtub meth):

-       When you get hunger pains, curl into a ball.  It makes them go away.

-       Get out of your house! If you’re not sitting around then people can’t start shit with you about not eating.

-       Eat ice or gum when hungry. This will make your body think it had food without the calories.

Clearly, this advice is from a medical professional.  I mean ice instead of food…well…genius, think of all of the vitamins and antioxidants contained in frozen water. And forget famine! Just bring your knees to your chin! You’ll be fine!

We really can’t comprehend why and when the definition of “beautiful” came to encompass “close to death.” How is that attractive? Well, apparently it isn’t. A recent study found that a woman’s curves act like a reward to a man’s brain. This makes total sense. Beyonce, J.Lo, Christina Hendricks, and Sofia Vergara aren’t popular without reason. And aside from their obvious talent, we now know there’s a fundamental scientific reason why our husbands sit nose-touching-the-television close when Modern Family is on.

So our advice to Kate and Pippa is just to give up the intel and grab a burger already. Eating is fun, healthy, and incredibly important. We can’t live without it and we won’t live long or well when it’s severely restricted.

Seeing women who starve themselves, or appear to, being paraded as role models is terrifying to us as parents. It is a wake up moment that shows us we must teach our children that mealtime can be healthy, fun, and essential. That taking pleasure in a healthful meal is normal.  That denying yourself food is not glamorous and can be dangerous.

If you know someone with an eating disorder please contact this helpline, it could save their life!

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Thank you to Hillshire Farm for sponsoring this post.  Check out their Social Twist promotion where you will have the opportunity to download a Hillshire Farm coupon for 55 cents. Or share the link socially and get a higher value coupon.

I’ve been married for twelve wonderful years.  Until this year, when my husband decided a few months ago to get his eyebrows waxed into thin little things that I find completely repulsive.  It’s just so effeminate and eww.

I know that the trend is for men to get beauty treatments and be all metrosexual, but that’s not what I looked for in a life partner.

I told him that it’s a real turn off and he doesn’t understand what the big deal is.  The big deal is that it’s a turn-off.  He has done it twice so far and OMFG, what if he keeps doing it?

Any tips on how to get him to knock it off?

Signed,

Unibrow Fan

______________________________________

Dear Unibrow Fan,

It’s always fun to see how the whole What’s Good For The Gander Is Good For the Goose thing plays out in real life, isn’t it?

After years of watching you go through tweezings, bleachings, waxings and Botoxing (I’m just guessing here) the poor guy wanted to give it a shot and this is the thanks that he gets?  Hmph.  How would you feel if it turned him off that you vote in the primaries because he considers the right to vote masculine?

This is the thin line that you’re walking, lady.  And it’s way thinner than your husband’s new eyebrows.

So if you have a solid marriage and you already told him that you don’t love the new look, drop it.  Part of marriage is supporting each other’s choices.  And you will need his support when you opt for the fashion trends that are predicted for this summer (bell bottom jeans, help us all.)

I have three suggestions,  presented in no particular order, but with 1 being the best and 3 being the worst.

1. Let it go.  They’re his eyebrows.

2. Avert your eyes whenever speaking to him and keep them tightly shut during intimate moments.  (Them = eyes; Intimate moments = sex).

3. Withhold sex until his eyebrows grow out.  The longer, the better.

Good luck with your decision,

Marinka, TMH

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Today’s the last day to enter our great giveaway for Stefanie Wilder-Taylor’s great new book! Just leave a comment!

Please don’t be upset that your daughters are trailing the boys in their math class.  If they’re pretty, they don’t need to worry about it!

Because it seems that pretty kills brain cells.

At least according to this magnet that was, until recently, sold at Forever 21.

By the way, who knew that Forever 21 sold magnets?!

And where are the “I’m too much of a jock to know how to read” magnets?

Surely they’ll fly off the shelves.  Especially if they’re illustrated so that the illiterate can understand them.

Hey, we know! How about we come up with other instant best-seller magnet ideas?

“I’m too hot to pay taxes!”

“Too adorable to make dinner!”

“Too disgusted by our daughters being subjected to sexist slogans to buy your crap!”

We think we’d sell a ton.

source

special thanks to Glamamom for tweeting about this.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My husband keeps hinting that I should get a boob job since I’m no longer nursing or having any more babies. (I’m a B cup.) I’m not sure if I want to do this or not, but I also want to keep him interested and hot for me. What should I do?

Signed,

Flat Franny
_______________________________

Dear Flat Franny,

Okay, let me get this straight. You want to know if you should spend thousands of dollars to undergo major surgery so your already-normal-sized breasts can be artificially enlarged by the implantation into your body of foreign objects (or, as I like to call them, “bags of goo”), which are likely to either rupture, leak, cause breast pain, back pain and/or a host of other health complications, all so you can keep your husband – WHO IS MARRIED TO YOU FOR BETTER OR WORSE – interested in sex?

Really?

Listen, hon. I don’t know your husband or how serious these “hints” of his are, but if he requires larger breasts as a condition of staying “hot” for you, he’s a total asshat.

I’m not saying that NO ONE should have breast implants – in some cases they’re a lovely option, especially for women like my friend Paula who lost both of hers to cancer and had reconstructive surgery. But if you have even a shred of doubt that this surgery is right for you, you should tell your husband (and anyone else who suggests you need bigger boobs to be sexy) to suck it.

If the husband’s insinuations persist, perhaps you should drop a few hints of your own. Open your computer’s web browser to before/after photos of Tara Reid, Janet Jackson or Viveca Fox, and “accidentally” leave it open so the next time he sits down to check his bank balance he gets a nice big eyeful of weird, dented, fake celebrity boobs instead. Maybe it won’t seem like such a big turn-on then.

Or change the subject to something the hubs might really want but can’t afford. A home theater? A pretty new mid-life-crisis Corvette? College accounts for the kids? A healthy retirement plan? Any or all of those things would be a lot easier to afford without sinking thousands into your cup size — no? Hey! Better yet, cruise on over to one of those penis enlargement sites and sign him on up. After all, you’re not the only one in this relationship who can make a few adjustments!

Bottom line: If you don’t think there’s anything wrong with your body, there’s not. And don’t let ANYONE tell you otherwise.

Hugs, kisses and nipple twists –

Beej, Guest TMH