Well Designed Fashion Advice
Lest you think that we don’t go to the most awesome sources to obtain advice for our readers, when we got a fashion question, we headed straight to the best. Liz Lange, a fashion icon, maternity wear designer, Target superstar and the force behind Shopafrolic visits us to impart fashion wisdom. And she makes it work! We couldn’t be more thrilled to have her here. Thank you for joining us today, Liz!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My sister in law keeps saying things like, “Remember, no whites after Labor Day!” and implying that because I’m in my mid-40s, I shouldn’t wear shorts.
I know she’s being obnoxious, but I do wonder if there are any “absolute” rules that I should be mindful of? Can you help me not become a fashion disaster?
Signed,
Fashionable Frieda
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Dear Frieda,
Upon reading about your bossypants sister-in-law the only rule that came to my mind is the “eyes on your own paper/mind your own business” rule!
But seriously when it comes to fashion, there are absolutely no rules. If you wear what you like and what makes you feel pretty, you can’t go wrong. But let’s address each of her issues.
Let’s start with the “no whites after Labor Day” myth. Hello? Winter whites, beautiful cream? White is an all-year-round color and I personally live in my white jeans 12 months of the year – I love it with a black skinny turtleneck. Ralph Lauren, Coco Chanel and Michael Kors, to name just three major designers/tastemakers, always have white in their fall/winter offerings.
As far as shorts are concerned: that is about your legs, NOT about your age. If your legs are good, you can wear shorts at any age. Period. That said, there are so many different styles/lengths of shorts these days that almost anyone can find a pair that works for them. And by the way, if you could rock shorts in your 20s, you can probably still rock them now.
xoxo,
Liz Lange, Guest Mouthy Housewife
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Mouthing Off: Do My Bones Make Me Look Fat In These Jeans?
It’s become increasingly clear that Kate Middleton and her sister, she of the distinguished derriere, must have some knowledge crucial to a superpower’s security because they have obviously been given what in some circles is termed “torture-lite.” This is a practice whereby the victim is literally starved for information. Both women have become, simultaneously, über-thin and, strangely, powerful role models for young girls. Their gaunt frames are paraded on websites dedicated to pro-anorexia and severe dieting as the epitome of what a woman should strive to look like.
We have known for years that anorexia is a disease with life-threatening and lethal consequences. Yet the media continues to encourage unhealthy weight loss as a status symbol; the ultimate in female beauty. Is being a size 0 really worth dying for? Is it even, in true reality, beautiful?
Frankly, we don’t want to imagine a whole society based around the idea that Rachel Zoe is “curvy.” Or that Angelina Jolie needs to lose a few pounds! Since when did starving yourself become such an amazing experience? Sure, there’s Kate Moss and her favorite saying: “Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels,” but then we have to remember she’s a cokehead! Of course she’s NOT hungry! I mean, why eat a muffin when your teeth are just gonna fall out soon anyway? I came across a few other “Thinspiration tips” (for those not imbibing of the cocoa plant or bathtub meth):
- When you get hunger pains, curl into a ball. It makes them go away.
- Get out of your house! If you’re not sitting around then people can’t start shit with you about not eating.
- Eat ice or gum when hungry. This will make your body think it had food without the calories.
Clearly, this advice is from a medical professional. I mean ice instead of food…well…genius, think of all of the vitamins and antioxidants contained in frozen water. And forget famine! Just bring your knees to your chin! You’ll be fine!
We really can’t comprehend why and when the definition of “beautiful” came to encompass “close to death.” How is that attractive? Well, apparently it isn’t. A recent study found that a woman’s curves act like a reward to a man’s brain. This makes total sense. Beyonce, J.Lo, Christina Hendricks, and Sofia Vergara aren’t popular without reason. And aside from their obvious talent, we now know there’s a fundamental scientific reason why our husbands sit nose-touching-the-television close when Modern Family is on.
So our advice to Kate and Pippa is just to give up the intel and grab a burger already. Eating is fun, healthy, and incredibly important. We can’t live without it and we won’t live long or well when it’s severely restricted.
Seeing women who starve themselves, or appear to, being paraded as role models is terrifying to us as parents. It is a wake up moment that shows us we must teach our children that mealtime can be healthy, fun, and essential. That taking pleasure in a healthful meal is normal. That denying yourself food is not glamorous and can be dangerous.
If you know someone with an eating disorder please contact this helpline, it could save their life!
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Thank you to Hillshire Farm for sponsoring this post. Check out their Social Twist promotion where you will have the opportunity to download a Hillshire Farm coupon for 55 cents. Or share the link socially and get a higher value coupon.
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Are You Surprised Or Did You Get Your Brows Waxed?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve been married for twelve wonderful years. Until this year, when my husband decided a few months ago to get his eyebrows waxed into thin little things that I find completely repulsive. It’s just so effeminate and eww.
I know that the trend is for men to get beauty treatments and be all metrosexual, but that’s not what I looked for in a life partner.
I told him that it’s a real turn off and he doesn’t understand what the big deal is. The big deal is that it’s a turn-off. He has done it twice so far and OMFG, what if he keeps doing it?
Any tips on how to get him to knock it off?
Signed,
Unibrow Fan
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Dear Unibrow Fan,
It’s always fun to see how the whole What’s Good For The Gander Is Good For the Goose thing plays out in real life, isn’t it?
After years of watching you go through tweezings, bleachings, waxings and Botoxing (I’m just guessing here) the poor guy wanted to give it a shot and this is the thanks that he gets? Hmph. How would you feel if it turned him off that you vote in the primaries because he considers the right to vote masculine?
This is the thin line that you’re walking, lady. And it’s way thinner than your husband’s new eyebrows.
So if you have a solid marriage and you already told him that you don’t love the new look, drop it. Part of marriage is supporting each other’s choices. And you will need his support when you opt for the fashion trends that are predicted for this summer (bell bottom jeans, help us all.)
I have three suggestions, presented in no particular order, but with 1 being the best and 3 being the worst.
1. Let it go. They’re his eyebrows.
2. Avert your eyes whenever speaking to him and keep them tightly shut during intimate moments. (Them = eyes; Intimate moments = sex).
3. Withhold sex until his eyebrows grow out. The longer, the better.
Good luck with your decision,
Marinka, TMH
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Today’s the last day to enter our great giveaway for Stefanie Wilder-Taylor’s great new book! Just leave a comment!
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Mouthing Off: Girls Can Be Pretty And Good At Math
Dear Parents of Girls,
Please don’t be upset that your daughters are trailing the boys in their math class. If they’re pretty, they don’t need to worry about it!
Because it seems that pretty kills brain cells.
At least according to this magnet that was, until recently, sold at Forever 21.
By the way, who knew that Forever 21 sold magnets?!
And where are the “I’m too much of a jock to know how to read” magnets?
Surely they’ll fly off the shelves. Especially if they’re illustrated so that the illiterate can understand them.
Hey, we know! How about we come up with other instant best-seller magnet ideas?
“I’m too hot to pay taxes!”
“Too adorable to make dinner!”
“Too disgusted by our daughters being subjected to sexist slogans to buy your crap!”
We think we’d sell a ton.
special thanks to Glamamom for tweeting about this.
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Should I Get a Boob Job? Or a New Husband?
It’s Guest Post Friday! On Thursday! OMG, we’re so confused! Today we’re joined by the super funny Bejewell from The Bean, who is also one of my Austin blogger friends because she once bought me a hamburger. Beej is one hilarious mamma jamma who guested for us once before and gave great Facebook/marriage advice. We’re thrilled to have her & her kick ass advice back here today. Thank you, Mizzus Bejewell! Mwah! — Wendi
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband keeps hinting that I should get a boob job since I’m no longer nursing or having any more babies. (I’m a B cup.) I’m not sure if I want to do this or not, but I also want to keep him interested and hot for me. What should I do?
Signed,
Flat Franny
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Dear Flat Franny,
Okay, let me get this straight. You want to know if you should spend thousands of dollars to undergo major surgery so your already-normal-sized breasts can be artificially enlarged by the implantation into your body of foreign objects (or, as I like to call them, “bags of goo”), which are likely to either rupture, leak, cause breast pain, back pain and/or a host of other health complications, all so you can keep your husband – WHO IS MARRIED TO YOU FOR BETTER OR WORSE – interested in sex?
Really?
Listen, hon. I don’t know your husband or how serious these “hints” of his are, but if he requires larger breasts as a condition of staying “hot” for you, he’s a total asshat.
I’m not saying that NO ONE should have breast implants – in some cases they’re a lovely option, especially for women like my friend Paula who lost both of hers to cancer and had reconstructive surgery. But if you have even a shred of doubt that this surgery is right for you, you should tell your husband (and anyone else who suggests you need bigger boobs to be sexy) to suck it.
If the husband’s insinuations persist, perhaps you should drop a few hints of your own. Open your computer’s web browser to before/after photos of Tara Reid, Janet Jackson or Viveca Fox, and “accidentally” leave it open so the next time he sits down to check his bank balance he gets a nice big eyeful of weird, dented, fake celebrity boobs instead. Maybe it won’t seem like such a big turn-on then.
Or change the subject to something the hubs might really want but can’t afford. A home theater? A pretty new mid-life-crisis Corvette? College accounts for the kids? A healthy retirement plan? Any or all of those things would be a lot easier to afford without sinking thousands into your cup size — no? Hey! Better yet, cruise on over to one of those penis enlargement sites and sign him on up. After all, you’re not the only one in this relationship who can make a few adjustments!
Bottom line: If you don’t think there’s anything wrong with your body, there’s not. And don’t let ANYONE tell you otherwise.
Hugs, kisses and nipple twists –
Beej, Guest TMH
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