Threat Regret
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Over a month ago I threatened my 5 kids that still live at home (I have 8 total) that unless they cleaned their rooms and the upstairs hall we would NOT get a Christmas Tree. The younger 3 girls replied ‘we don’t care—we are getting a tree at Dad’s!’
(*&$%^) !!!!
Now, I have stuck to my guns, yet am crying inside …. I need a tree!
Signed,
O Tannenbaum!
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Dear O,
Welcome to Threat Regret. Threat Regret occurs almost immediately after you’ve issued a threat that you know you cannot carry out or the carrying out of which will punish you more than the kids.
Every parent there has experienced Threat Regret. Even me.
Last week I told my kids that if they didn’t fold their laundry by the time I counted to three–ok, ten (thousand)–they wouldn’t be allowed to watch TV and the Good Lord in Heaven help me, I was going to cancel the trip to see their grandparents for Christmas, no matter how much I’d hate missing out on holiday air travel.
Then I had to take it back. Stupid adulthood.
I had to say things like “sometimes, mommy gets very angry and says things that she shouldn’t. What mommy should have done is taken a deep cleansing breath and thought of a better consequence for your self-centered and lazy behavior. Mommy will think of that consequence now and also will start speaking in the first person.”
Then I’d sit around pensively while the kids wondered what I was up to. (Spoiler alert: I was sitting wondering how long I had to sit around looking pensive.)
The point is, if you’re experiencing Threat Regret, admit to making a mistake. I hear it makes children see their parents as humans and not just god-like creatures.
Get the tree and enjoy it.
Or get the tree and insist that it’s yours only. Any time you see one of the kids looking at the tree and enjoying it, yell “avert eyes! avert eyes until your room and upstairs are cleansed!”
Happy Treeing!
And have the kids sweep up the needles.
Marinka, TMH
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Boyfriend, Don’t Go Touching My Stuff!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My boyfriend moved into my place about a month ago, and I just barely moved in myself, so it’s a work in progress. So while I try to work on it in my very limited free time, there’s still a lot to be done.
As my boyfriend and I were working around the house the other day, he was going through a pile of things that were mine/my family’s, and he started throwing some of it away. For example, I got upset because he tried to throw away sunglasses that belong to my niece.
We started arguing over the things he was trying to throw away, and he told me that he’s trashed other stuff of mine too. I was appalled. He said that I wouldn’t miss these items, and claimed that I’ve been hoarding too much stuff.
I’ve tried to reason with him. I’ve tried explaining that I have anxiety over the littlest things and he is stressing me out more. His excuse is that these “items” aren’t that important at all. Please help.
Signed,
If I Wanted My Boyfriend To Throw My Stuff Away, I Would Date A Sanitation Worker
_____________________
Dear IIWMBTTMSAIWDASW,
Of course this stuff isn’t important to him. It’s not HIS stuff. He doesn’t see the importance of a jean jacket from 1983 with a “Men at Work” pin. Or your Go Go’s concert t-shirt. Or your x-rays from when you broke your nose in the 7th grade.
I’ve noticed in life that there are two kinds of people – those who like to keep stuff and the ones who like to throw out stuff. Personally, I like to get rid of stuff pretty much as soon as I buy it. But my husband – he’s your kind of guy. He’s got a pile of crap on the dresser that never budges.
So the good news here is that your boyfriend and you are perfectly suited for each other because you balance each other out. And dating him means you won’t die in a cluttered apartment with newspapers up to the ceiling.
Now first, we need to determine if you have a problem…
1. Has more than one friend suggested you go on the TV show, “Hoarders?”
2. Have you ever said to your boyfriend, “There’s so much crap in this living room, I can’t find the couch. Have you seen the couch honey?”
3. You have all 88 episodes of “Punky Brewster” on VHS tape.
If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you may indeed need to seek professional help. But if you answered no, then your boyfriend needs to back off a bit. Yes, there can be some growing pains when you move in with your significant other. That’s to be expected. But he’s being very disrespectful when he throws out your belongings without your permission.
Sit down and have a discussion with him. Tell him you do not want any more of your things thrown out without your consent. And then make a real commitment to spend a few Saturdays going through everything together. And make him a deal. He can keep his 9th grade wrestling trophies if you can keep the jean jacket. Fair is fair.
Good luck, Kelcey
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Cleanliness is Next to…Impossible
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
When your flip flop comes off of your foot because it stuck to the kitchen floor, does that mean it’s time to mop? Can you tell me any other signs that scream someone needs to clean house? Like when the dust bunnies race to the vacuum cleaner, did I wait too long between vacuuming? I’m afraid I’m not very good at this.
Signed,
Pig-Pen
______________________________
Dear Pig-Pen,
Your question is leaving me a little misty-eyed, thinking back upon my days in college. I was infamous for leaving my dishes in the sink until they bonded to the stainless steel in a blanket of mold and decay.
Sometimes, if I felt the need to enter the kitchen, I’d spray some ammonia in the sink to cancel out the stench. A week or so later, I’d cave and just throw the dishes in the garbage. Cleanliness and domesticity weren’t exactly a strong point, I’m afraid.
::huffs Windex::
Once I got married, however, and started introducing offspring to my toxic ecosystem, I realized I needed to get myself together. Overwhelmed, confused, and saddened by my incompetence, there was an especially dark moment when I considered buying a Martha Stewart book on how to clean your house.
::swigs Lysol::
But that was then, Pig-Pen, and this is now. Since my BC (Before Clorox) days, I’ve learned a few things about keeping my home sanitary, and I’m more than happy to share them with you here. So, keep in mind that it’s time to clean when you encounter the following:
1. Your children start naming the houseflies, field mice, and cockroaches.
2. There’s a ring around the bathtub. And the floorboards. And your boyfriend’s collar.
3. You’re considering calling your homeowner’s insurance and claiming a total loss due to “natural disaster”.
4. You start treating your bathroom like a public restroom, complete with squatting, hovering, and that thing where you use a paper towel to open the door.
5. Visitors think you’re jumping on the eco-friendly-home bandwagon with what appears to be a dirt floor.
6. If you’ve emptied your Fantastik bottle and replaced it with acetone before cleaning the countertops.
7. When you find the children/spouses/housemates/guests under the kitchen table declaring, “Snack time!”
8. Going camping in the mountains for some “fresh air” is more of a medical necessity than leisurely activity.
9. You find yourself kicking the laundry pile toward the washing machine because you don’t want to aggravate a previous back injury from that time you actually lifted the basket.
10. Have you seen that movie Pink Flamingos? (Yeah, me neither.) If you watch it and ever sigh with recognition…well…skip the cleaning and just move to another house, sister.
::powders face with Comet::
Now, I know this is a lot to take in, and I don’t want you to feel overwhelmed. It’s taken me years to get to a place where my husband has stopped suggesting we apply for a spot on Hoarders. That said, if this all sounds like too much work, you could always just remodel your home with black paint, carpet, appliances, and furniture. Dark hides the dirt really well. Trust.
::dabs Pine Sol behind ears::
Godspeed,
Kristine, TMH
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How to Have Garage Sale Success Without Losing Your Mind
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I just did some Spring cleaning and cleared out a lot of our closets. Now we have tons of crap we don’t want and I’d like to just donate it to Goodwill. However, my husband thinks we should have a garage sale. I think that’s too much work, even though I know we’ll make some money. Any ideas for making it go easier?
Signed,
Garage Girl?
__________________
Dear Garage Girl,
First of all, congratulations on the crap clean-out! That’s a huge accomplishment and I plan on doing the same thing in my house just as soon as the producers from Hoarders show up at my front door with HazMat suits and a court order. (What? I’m totally going to use all of these empty margarine tubs and ferret carcasses some day. I swear I am.)
But seriously, like everyone else in the suburbs, I’ve had my share of garage sales over the years. (And on a serious note, please remember: if it’s in a yard, it’s a “yard sale,” if it’s in the garage, it’s a “garage sale” and if it’s just shit thrown all over the street, it’s a “my f*&#ing husband cheated on me with his yoga instructor, so here are all of his $1,000 suits for free” sale. Plan your signage accordingly.)
Now, let’s get back to you selling off your treasured possessions to losers for pennies! So fun! Here are a few Mouthy Housewife tips to start you off:
1. Organize your items by type, so you have different “departments.” My departments usually include “Mismatched Socks,” “Broken Toys,” “Items I Destroyed While Cooking” and “Lube.”
2. Place price tags on each item the night beforehand. Then you’ll have plenty of time to enjoy the hours of delightful negotiation with senior citizens over a $.75 half-empty bottle of Clamato the day of the sale. It’s just like The Price is Right, but a million times worse!
3. Be sure you have a safe place to keep your money, and fill it up with change so you’ll be ready for all of your cash transactions. (Hint: To really screw with your customers, use either Canadian or Monopoly money. They’ll never know.)
4. Remember, Craig’s List isn’t just for low-rent hookers and murderers, so use it to advertise your sale. And then maybe a low-rent hooker and murderer will see your ad and swing by your house to pick up some used lingerie. Hello, new friends!
5. One of the biggest problems with garage sales is the dreaded “Early Bird.” These are the freaks who show up at 7am, hoping to get the best deals. But if you want them to go away until the sale starts, simply do what I do: Turn on the sprinklers and blast “Hey, Soul Sister.”
6. And my most important tip for a successful garage sale, have fun. And by “have fun,” I of course mean “drink like a fish who’s just seen a pack of weirdos rifle through her old workout clothes and sports bras.” L’Chaim!
So, good luck, my friend. I hope your day goes well and I hope you spend all of your profits wisely. Maybe even at Goodwill, where I just dropped off a box of lube. (Hurry!)
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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Smelly Cats!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My friend’s apartment reeks of cats. She only has two, but the smell is overwhelming. She takes pride in her apartment, and I know she will be mortified if I tell her. Should I?
Signed,
Oxygen, Please
___________________________
Dear Oxygen Fan,
Yes, you should tell her. People who own cats often lose the ability to smell the cats, much like people who own small children often lose the ability to tell that their shrieking is annoying everyone within hearing distance. I believe that this is what Darwin meant by The Survival of the Fittest.
Probably. I’m a Creationist.
And I recommend that you let your friend know that the cats are doing a lot of creating in the litter box and she’ll need to change it more frequently.
If you don’t feel comfortable just coming out and saying, “Listen, this is awkward for me to say, but your litter box is giving off an unpleasant odor. I know you’d rather hear it from me than have someone less close to you mention it. And please tell me if I ever get that old lady smell, ok?” you have some choices.
1. Acting. Upon entering her apartment, grab your chest and exclaim, “Oh my goodness! Is the whole cast of CATS here?!”
2. Arts & Crafts. Get the Sunday Times and write a ransom-type note, with the cut-out letters spelling out PLEASE CHANGE THE LITTER BOX MORE FREQUENTLY. Leave it on her pillow.
3. Game Night. Suggest you play a game of telling each other what bothers you most about the other. Possible side effect: Friendship may end when she tells you she hates how passive-aggressive you are.
4. Ventriloquism. While one of her cats is perched on your lap, have him say “Change my litter box, mommy! I love you!” This is best done while you’re drinking a glass of water.
Or, you could just tell her.
Much like you would if she had lipstick on her teeth or a camel toe.
It’s the right thing to do.
Good luck,
Marinka, TMH
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