We’re always very thrilled when all of you chime in with your thoughts and comments, but now we’re even more thrilled because other places are taking notice. Big places.

Places like THE NEW YORK FREAKING TIMES for one. After we wrote our Mouthing Off about the horror that is middle-school lockers decorated with chandeliers, they had their own article about it and quoted us! Whoohoo! Click here to read it. (The writer also told us how much she loved reading all of your hilarious comments on that post.)

And more recently, we wrote a Mouthing Off about the horror that is the McDonald’s playgrounds and found ourselves quoted in OK! MAGAZINE. (If you don’t know of OK!, it’s basically the British USWeekly. Lots of celebrity gossip, but sometimes they have recipes for bangers and mash and talk about wankers named “Reginald.”) But just check THIS out:

“–Blog, Mouthyhousewives.com”—that’s us baby! And we’re facing off against some smarty-pants lawyer dude. Ooooooh!

Anyway, there’s really no point to this post except to say how cool we think it is to get noticed by the world at large and to say thank you to everyone who regularly reads our Mouthing Off posts. We love to know what you think, too.

Also, in case you missed yesterday’s big CHICKtionary book giveaway, you can still enter. Click here for the info and rules.

HAPPY WEEKEND EVERYONE!

TMH

Well done, Congress! We mothers are just thrilled about this because now we no longer have to convince our kids to eat broccoli and spinach. What a silly waste of time. You don’t have to actually try to get your children to eat fruits and vegetables. Just pretend they are already eating them!

Here’s a few tips to help you feed your kids:

Cheetos are really oranges. After all, they are the same color!

Doritos are just like carrots. See above for the easy-to- understand explanation.

Sausages are the same as salads. Both have a variety of stuff in them!

A Twinkie is like the identical twin of a banana or an ear of corn. But so much yummier!

See what we mean? Your kids will be happier. Less struggles at the dinner table.  And sure, obesity and diabetes amongst our children will likely skyrocket. But isn’t that a fair trade off for a scrumptious meal of junk food?!

We think so too. And thankfully, Congress didn’t stop there. Our elected officials also voted to keep french fries on the menu and and delay limits on sodium and delay a requirement to boost whole grains. Bravo Congress!

Thank you for taking care of your lobbyists, instead of our children. We very much look forward to next November when we kick your pathetic, pansy tushes out of office. We promise to throw you a goodbye party. Pizza will definitely be on the menu.

It’s almost inhuman.

But when we heard that some people are sending and receiving lollipops that were licked by a kid with chicken pox so their kids could then lick them and not have to get the chicken pox vaccine, we held our Skittles close and asked them to forgive us.  Because that craziness is nasty.  And oh, by the way—illegal.

Apparently the government doesn’t look too kindly at people who send diseases through the mail. In fact, it’s a federal crime. (And don’t try to FedEx it, either.  There’s that “this package does not contain blood” line you have to sign when shipping overnight. Which makes shipments to Edward Cullen super disappointing.)

So what’s a parent, who doesn’t want to vaccinate their child against the chicken pox, to do? Well, they could get an exemption. Or they could wait for their child to get the chicken pox the good old fashioned way, the way the Lord intended.  Like at chicken pox parties, where a chicken pox kid’s parents invite other kids over to expose them to the pox. Those have been around for decades.  But with fewer kids having the disease, parents are turning to the insanity of pre-licked lollipops and even have Facebook pages dedicated to it.

We think that it’s disgusting.

And it’s also really difficult to believe that parents willingly receive a diseased lollipop from a stranger on the internet and then expose their children to whatever the lollipop has on it. What if it’s Hepatitis? Or measles?  (And yes, of course there’s talk of of people shipping measles.) To us, it just sounds like Dum Dums holding Dum Dums.

We know that there are many different ways to parent and that there is no one solution for every family. But can we agree that mailing chicken pox is terrible?

Even if gets delivered overnight.

Yeah, that’s right—germs. In a public play place. Whodathunkit!? Those used diapers and bloody Band-Aids in the MegaTube aren’t just there to provide some Ronald McDonald ambiance, my friends. They’re the Big Mac of Nasty. Here’s just one example Carr-Jordan found—is that a McFlurry or tartar sauce?:

Image via KidsPlaySafe

Dr. Carr-Jordan, who you’ve probably seen making the media rounds, is crusading against these dirty playgrounds after the swabs she took at local McDonald’s restaurants were lab tested and showed the presence of not just everyday germs, but infectious staph bacteria and MRSA, among other pathogens. Her website, Kids Play Safe, also shows about two dozen videos taken at fast food restaurants around the country and what she found is some pretty revolting stuff. It’s like Gymboree meets a Wal-Mart dumpster over a SuperSized order of french fries. Ewwwww.

So what do you suppose the McDonald’s restaurants in Carr-Jordan’s home town of Phoenix did once this was called to their attention? Issue a statement saying that for the safety of the local kids, they’d make cleanliness a priority? Invite her to sit down for a civil chat? No way, Jose. They instead served her with a legal notice that prohibits her from even entering any of their franchises because they find her actions to be “disruptive.” A little chickenshit, if you ask us.

Which brings us to the question of the day: Is McDonald’s, a privately owned company, at all obligated to keep their youngest of customers safe via the cleanliness of their facilities? Or is this simply a “buyer beware” issue where parents who don’t like their children playing in filth should just stay away? Hmmmmm. Too bad Upton Sinclair isn’t around to answer this. (Yes, we just dropped in a reference to “The Jungle” because we want to show that we’re more than stunningly pretty faces. Please look suitably impressed.)

After some careful thought, our opinion is that these restaurants need to just get over themselves and do the right thing. After all, the only reason they build these playgrounds is to bring kids in, so it’s in their best interest to keep the parents happy, right? Plus a kid in the hospital with MRSA probably can’t suck down as many hamburgers and milkshakes.

That’s why we truly hope these restaurant owners behave ethically and pay heed to Dr. Carr-Jordan’s findings, or to any other parent’s complaints about uncleanliness and broken equipment. Their little patrons love going to play at their colorful, fun playgrounds, so it’s really not asking too much of the management to make sure the facilities are kept safe, hygienic and clean.

Because it’s called McIntegrity. And you sure as hell can’t get it at the drive-thru.

My 11 year old started asking me questions about the Occupy Wall Street movement and I’m stumped about what to tell him.

It almost makes me miss Pokemon.

Any ideas?

Signed,

PreOccupied

___________________________________

Dear PreOccupied,

Oh, kids today with their questions!  Whatever happened to the good old days when they were seen and not heard?!

Apparently those days are gone forever and now we have to deal with nonsense like inquisitive minds and children wanting to learn.   It’s as though they don’t realize that it’s Project Runway finale week and mommy is busy.

But lucky for you, I just had the Occupy Wall Street discussion with my teenage daughter, so I can write from experience.

I tried to tell her that people were protesting because they were upset by how much she rolls her eyes at me.  Sadly, this was met with more eye rolling.

So I leveled with her.   At 13, my daughter was ready to hear the truth as I understood it– that some people are upset about what they perceive to be economic injustice in our society.

And then a wonderful thing happened.  She asked follow up questions and we had a great conversation about different forms of protest, the rights of the people to express their anger at a given situation and being respectful even at the height of frustration.

No matter what side of the Occupy Wall Street movement you are on, there are definitely many teachable moments to share with your son. And the fact that he is asking questions that will lead to a discussion is a gift.

Let his questions shape the conversation.  Start by saying that you know he has been wondering about Occupy Wall Street– what has he heard about it? He may have seen images on TV that he found upsetting or confusing.  Address that first.

Be sure to reassure him that it is not as scary as when Grandma and Grandpa occupied your guest room that one endless weekend.

Don’t worry about not having all the answers or saying the wrong things.  What is important is that you and  your son are communicating about what is on his mind and that he knows that you are a resource that he can turn to.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

Well, instead of doing something ridiculous like talking to him, why not use a Google Android App, instead?  It’s under $3 and just  jam-packed full of stereotypes.  And we know what an absolute time-saver stereotypes can be.

And since we’re guessing that the app will appeal mostly to the morons among us, it’s also super easy to use. Just answer 20 Yes/No questions and you’ll have your answer at the touch of a button!

Here are some of the questions about your son, and no, we are not making them up:

Does he like to dress well: is he very careful when choosing his outfits and selecting brands?

Before he was born, did you wish for a girl?

Does he read the sports page in the newspaper?

Is he a fan of divas (Madonna, Britney Spears)?

Does he like musical comedies?

Does he take a long time to do his hair?

If the app concludes that he is not gay,  it congratulates the lucky parent:  “You do not have to worry, your son is not gay. So there are chances for you to be grandmother with all the joys it brings.”

Seriously, what the hell? Is there some kind of correlation between sexuality and being a parent that we are not aware of?

But if your son has been singing along to Madonna, you better steel yourself: “No need to look the other way! … He is gay! … ACCEPT IT!”

We’re hoping that Google will soon market a companion “Are Your Parents Idiots?” App.

In just twenty questions, it will let the concerned teen know what the hell is wrong with his parents. Perhaps with your help, we can develop it.
What questions would the app ask?

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There are websites where these cash-starved women and rich men can meet– like a regular dating website, except the woman specifies how much cash she will need on a monthly basis for the pleasure of her college-educated company.

These women are being referred to by the media as sugar babies looking for sugar daddies. We’re guessing because prostitutes looking for Johns is offensive.

Oh, we heard the explanation that this isn’t prostitution because the women aren’t offering a menu of sexual services in exchange for a set fee. And we’re not here to make a legal argument that anyone should be charged with prostitution.

We do wonder about what makes these women think that this arrangement is their only viable option. There is no question that the economy is in trouble and of course the recent college graduates are coming into a terrible market.

They may have to defer their student loans. They may even have to default on them. And however unappealing that may be, we are talking about institutional loans, not loan sharks.

Surely these women’s self-esteem is worth more than their credit rating?

What do you think– is it okay to provide companionship in exchange for cash? And how do you think the parties involved are reporting these transactions on their tax returns?

______________________________

Are you our Facebook friend? Check out and caption this glamor shot of Kelcey and Marinka here!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have a problem. I am a married politician (I can’t reveal my identity. This site is anonymous – right?). Anyway, I have been having some inappropriate online relationships with a couple, maybe several, okay let’s call it a handful of women.  Is six a handful? Anyway, it doesn’t matter. The point is my wife, constituents and pretty much everyone (except for right wing conservatives) are really pissed off at me now. How do I make amends?

Signed,

Chanthony Leiner

_________________________________

Dear Chanthony Leiner,

Lucky for you, we Mouthy Housewives have lots of experience when it comes to mistakenly sending photos of our privates to college students in Seattle.  Just last night, I tweeted a photo of my scrumptious bum to an economics major at the University of Washington. We all do our part to try to lift America out of this recession.

Here’s how to make amends…

1. Learn how to use Twitter. Use the @ symbol or no symbol at all to post important congressional tweets like… “Everyone in New York is getting a tax refund!”  Use the “d” which is a direct message to post important personal tweets like photos of your penis.

2. But keep in mind that no woman (not even your wife) actually wants to see a photo of your penis. Or even your Jockey shorts over your penis. We do not think it’s sexy. Or hot. Or sexually enticing. It’s creepy. Really creepy.

3. Keep apologizing. That press conference was a very good start. The key is to apologize while you actually do something. Like apologize while you empty the dishwasher. Apologize while you fold laundry. Apologize while you give your wife a foot massage. Think of it as multi-tasking. You know, the way you used to sext and write legislation at the very same time.

4. Change your last name to something that doesn’t make people think of a penis. Do not change your name to dong, woody, member or wang.

5. Seek counseling. Seriously. Immediately.

Good luck to you! Keep us posted.

The Mouthy Housewives

I am so sad that Oprah is ending her show! I feel like it’s an end of an era and I’m in mourning. Is that normal and do you have any tips to help me get through this?

Signed,

I Want The Big O

_________________________

Dear I Want The Big O,

Before I answer your question, I have a confession to make: I really don’t like Oprah. In fact, I find her to be boastful, overbearing and pomp…wait a sec. Is someone breaking into my house?……………..was that glass shattering? adn ll;kae,……

888888888888888

HELP ME!!!!! GAYLE KING IS HITTING ME WITH A PIPE AND >>>>>>>el;aifeak

XO-93———————STOP CHOKING ME NATE BERKUS! STOP!!!!! 9)FJ(DDF(E/M<CC<    EAT SH*T AND DIE, SUZY ORMAN! NO, I DIDN’T MEAN THAT! !:PUT DOWN THE RIFLE!!!!! I’M SORRY!!!!!!! I’LL READ “THE SECRET”!!! I PROMISE!!! K ;K;;;;;;;VVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>HOLY SHIT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT SYRINGE, DR. OZ!?!?!?

___((FE++FE=(whimper)……………………………

As I was saying, I am a huge, HUGE fan of Oprah and like the rest of the world, I’ll certainly spiral into a pit of depression when her absolute genius and common-folk touch are no longer around to make my pathetic life worth living. So “yes,” I’d say it’s completely normal for you to feel sad about her departure. It’s pretty much a death in the family, only the dead person now owns a basic cable network that airs Dr. Phil shows from 2003. I’m tearing up just thinking of it. (But that also might be from whatever it was that Dr. Oz just injected into my neck.)

As far as tips to get you through this, the first thing you should do is watch this. The second thing you should do is, well, get a grip. Because here’s my crazy theory: I predict that after a few years out of the spotlight, Oprah’s going to triumphantly return to us. Fat Oprah or Thin Oprah, I don’t yet know, but just like The Terminator, fire ants and the human papillomavirus, there’s no way to keep her away for good.

In the meantime, I advise you to cover your television in a black shroud for a period of seven days. Then, after you’ve gone through the Five Stages of Grief, lift off the shroud and put on a nice, entertaining movie to take your mind off Oprah. A comedy, a love story, or maybe even something starring everyone’s favorite movie star, John Tra–VOLTA!

Yours In Sympathy,

Wendi, TMH

I find it hard to believe, but I hear that there are still some people who say they don’t care about Prince William’s marriage to Kate Middleton on Friday. With the media in a full froth, revealing new details and aspects of the royal wedding daily (hourly, actually), it seems to me that, by now, any American who says they aren’t the slightest bit interested in Kate and Wils is either (a) lying, (b) a man, particularly one who hasn’t seen the photo of Kate in lingerie; or (c) cynical beyond repair.

Our culture has so ingrained the Princess story-line into the national psyche via movies, soap operas, and merchandising that I daresay it is almost impossible to find a girl in America who hasn’t secretly dreamed of snaring herself some kind of Royal when she grows up (or at the very least bedding a Brit, for the not-so-ambitious skanks out there). Hell, even a 30-something, twice-divorced, still married woman can cling to the dream, if one is to hold up Wallis Simpson
as inspiration.

So, basically, what I’m saying is that anyone who honestly doesn’t care about the Royal Wedding and thinks that everyone in America should just get over it and give up on the monarchy and the whole idea of Prince Charming… would be responsible for the downfall of pretty much the entire entertainment industry as we know it.

Especially Disney. And if that happened, what would all the little girls wear for Halloween?! Following that logic, anyone suffering from Royal ambivalence is actually un-American, because what’s more American than Disney and Hollywood? So, that, my friends, is why you should totally care about the Royal Wedding and set your DVRs accordingly.

Toodles,

Amy, Guest TMH

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