In This Corner, My Mom. And In This Corner, My Boyfriend.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My mother creates her own alternate reality for everything. My BF and I have been dating for six years and plan on getting married, but she refuses to acknowledge his existence. He is not even “allowed” over at holidays. It makes me feel like I am 15…I’m 25!
She has even gone so far as making things up out of thin air, telling people he abuses me, and then I receive emails from “concerned” friends of hers. Or she will drive by my house intentionally just to call me and ask why he is there!
I am sick and tired of her antics especially because my irresponsible jerk of a brother’s girlfriend walks on water to her. How the hell do I tell her to back off and come back to the real world without causing a war!?
Signed,
I Have a Crazy Mama
______________________
Dear I Have a Crazy Mama,
I admit that when I read your first sentence — “My mother creates her own alternate reality for everything” — I was really hoping this question would involve spaceships, Narnia and a few thousand horny gnomes, but you know what? It’s perfectly fine that it doesn’t. Let’s just go ahead and talk about your mother’s alternate reality. The one that involves her major dislike of your boyfriend. The boyfriend who isn’t a horny gnome who carries a laser gun in his loincloth and drinks unicorn blood from a box. Sigh.
I knew I should have taken that job at TheMouthyDungeonsandDragonsHousewives.com.
But my personal problems aside, there must be something wrong with your boyfriend. Otherwise, why would your mom despise him so? Is he a thief? A con artist? A drinker? A drugger? A performer on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour named Skeeter Juice who tells jokes about raccoon boobies? Seriously, do you have any idea why she might not like him? Because if you don’t, it might be a good idea to sit her down and ask. Perhaps he slighted her years ago and a simple apology is all it’ll take to clear things up.
However, if she actually is completely batshit crazy and has no real reason for disliking him and spreading false rumors, then it’s time for a Come to Jesus talk. Let her know that he’s the most important person in your life and you plan on marrying him whether she approves of it or not. And if she wants you in her life, she’s just going to have to suck it up and deal. I know you don’t want to start a war, but you might have to start a little skirmish just to clear the air. Because right now nothing’s changing in either direction.
Family drama is never fun and I wish you the best of luck with this situation. Hopefully you’ll all come to some kind of resolution and can all peacefully co-exist.
Just like the horny gnomes and unicorns do.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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D-I-V-O-R-C-E spells PARTY TIME!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My good friend “Cindy” and I are both in our 40′s. She recently got divorced and now, quite understandably, she wants to go out to clubs and bars and start mingling. The problem is that she wants me to go with her because she doesn’t want to go alone. I’m happily married and don’t have the time or desire to hang out in a singles bar, but I still want to support her. Advice?
Signed,
Not Single, Don’t Wanna Mingle
_________________________
Dear Not Single,
One thing nobody tells you about in your 20′s—when you and all of your friends are out every night meeting guys—is that half of you will be doing it all over again 20 years later. Only this time most of the guys will be bald, disillusioned and taking medicine for their high cholesterol. It’s like Cocoon meets Sex and the City meets Dr. Oz. HOT!
Anyway, while you’re a good friend for supporting her, of course you can’t accompany her on her nightly Man Trawls or you’ll soon be divorced yourself. Therefore, I have a few (brilliant) suggestions for you:
1. Find another single or divorced woman you know and hook them up. They no doubt have a lot in common and would love to spend time going out to clubs together. (Think The First Wives Club, but without the poor writing and lip syncing to Motown songs.)
2. Suggest Cindy try another way of meeting men, such as Match.com, eHarmony or the new dating/tax service I just invented two minutes ago called “Heart o’ Tax” where you can go on a date with a CPA and have him do your taxes before he kisses you good night. 1099! 1099! Oh, God, 10…99!
3. Related to #2, see if she’s interested in being set-up with a single man you know, then maybe go on a double date. That way she still has you around as back-up, but it’s a little more civilized than a single’s bar where people lick things off of other people and then scream “Woohoo!” and have to go to the county health clinic a week later.
4. Do not, under any circumstances, call her a Cougar, a Puma or a Mountain Snow Leopard because it will only hurt her feelings. Unless, of course, she’s dating a 25-year-old guy named Colton who works at a kiosk.
But my biggest piece of advice is for you is to realize that she’s probably sewing some wild oats (or “sowing” if you prefer the “correct” usage of that term) and will calm down soon enough. Divorce is incredibly stressful and she’s now just enjoying herself as much as she can. So be there, support her and listen to the stories about all the hot guys she met last night.
Especially the bald ones who have high cholesterol.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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I Got Rid of My Boyfriend But Now I Need Friends
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
A few days ago, I ended a serious relationship. It was mutual and not a bad breakup but I have no desire to remain in contact with my ex simply for the sake of moving on. However, I am realizing that the majority of my friends were friends I met through him. So now I am left with very few friends and that seems to be the hardest part of this breakup.
I have never had many female friends and have always been a bit of a tomboy. So I’m not sure how to approach other women. Where the heck can I meet some cool friends, male or female?
Signed,
I Don’t Want You, Just Your Friends
_____________________________
Dear Friendless,
Can’t you barter with your ex? You know, he gets to keep all those cool snow globes you collected together and you get just one of his friends?
No? Selfish boy. Well, he is going to miss those snow globes.
I must begin by complimenting you on your maturity. When I’ve broken up with a guy, I’ve had a month long mourning process where I eat my weight in Sweet Tarts, watch Meg Ryan movie marathons nonstop and sob into my Pinot Grigio. It’s pretty ugly. You are obviously a lot more emotionally mature than me and that will be a big advantage when it comes to making some friends.
As someone who once relocated all alone to Montana (a place with more cows than people and cows are not that great at small talk), I know how difficult it can be to make friends. The best way to meet new people is to get involved in something you like to do – whether it’s kayaking, yoga, reading or belly dancing.
You are more apt to connect with people who share a passion with you. So join a club. And even if you’re not outgoing, make an effort to chat with people. Ask them lots of questions because people love to talk about themselves.
And what about your workplace? Are there any folks there who you could imagine starting a friendship with? If yes, ask them to do a power walk with you during lunch or grab a drink after work. Don’t make it a big time commitment in case perky Susie from accounting turns out to be a closet cat hoarder. Not that I don’t love cats. I do. Just not 36 of them.
Or try the site MeetUp as a way to connect with people in your area. Keep going out and meeting people until you click with one or two of them. You know, someone who enjoys the same stuff you do and laughs at all your jokes about your ex and his obsession with snow globes. I promise, your future pal is out there.
Good luck,
Kelcey, TMH
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I Love My Boyfriend, But I Cannot Spend Another Second With Him
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My boyfriend and I live together. During the day, we text, email and talk both at lunch and during the commute home. I love him and our relationship is great (it really is)…but. He starts a new job next week and this means we can now carpool, and it’s already freaking me out. I think I am going to suffocate.
If you’re never apart how do you find stuff to talk about? How do you stay interesting to the other? While I know we won’t be working with each other at the same company, we will be in contact more during the day for business reasons–we even get to have lunch together everyday! (Did I mention that I think I will suffocate?)
Am I wrong? Too independent? The whole thing makes me nervous…
Signed,
Panic Attack
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Dear Panic Attack,
Well, the first thing I want to do is hand you a paper bag (deep, slow breaths) and reassure you that it’s certainly not odd to be feeling this way. I mean, do YOU think it’s odd? Because, I’m just saying…I don’t…in case you were worried.
(Keep breathing in that paper bag.)
I’m a little confused by your hesitation since you already seem to be in near-constant contact. In fact, the texting during the commute is not only dangerous, but highly unnecessary. Unless, of course, you’re texting to let him know that you just rear-ended the car in front of you, can’t move your legs, and could he call 911, please?
That said, I think that most couples–hell, most people–desire a sufficient amount of alone time–time that doesn’t involve texting, let alone sharing the control of the radio station. The ones that are SO IN LOVE and spend every moment together and love it all so very much? They’re not weird per se, but, speaking scientifically, statistically the chances of them being insane do rise exponentially.
But I also wonder about the length of this commute. Because if you’re squabbling about a fifteen minute drive, then, well, it’s not like you’re WEIRD or anything (why do you keep bringing that up?), but maybe you’re making a big deal out of nothing. However, if it’s something more substantial, or the commute is simply a part of your day that you use to decompress and relax, then I don’t see why your boyfriend wouldn’t understand your point of view here.
Unless of course you’re simply resistant to change and have OCD tendencies in regard to the texting. In which case, yes, you’re totally being weird.
Advice is complicated.
At the end of it all, I think you should just try it out and see how it goes. If you decide that spending the extra time together during the day will irreparably damage your relationship’s karmic flow, then just tell him to drive his own car. (He has a car, right? Dear god, don’t make him walk to work in the snow.) Or, if you choose to carpool to save money, compromise by nixing the joint lunch date. If that doesn’t work, try instituting a zero-tolerance, no-talking policy in the car.
Whatever you decide, he’ll probably think you’re crazy, but go along with it anyway because he loves you. (Weirdo.)
Godspeed,
Kristine, TMH
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When is it Okay to Interfere in Something That’s None of My Business?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My friend has always had a lot of male friends and colleagues, and she is pretty affectionate towards all of them. She found a boyfriend at the beginning of the year, who most of her friends know well (me included), and while they’re adorable together and most everyone is certain that they love each other, not all is right with the guy, and possibly not with her either. He’s an upstanding guy with a good reputation, but she and his past girlfriends say that he’s emotionally dependent. He is not a violent or abusive person, but as their mutual friend I think it hurts him to see her fill her social life. What should I do?
Signed,
I’m not Snooping, I’m Something Else Entirely
___________________________________
Dear Yeah Right,
Normally I find it somewhat endearing when friends are concerned about the relationships of their friends, but there’s something about this scenario that’s striking me as…fishy. I think it’s because I can’t tell if you’re more worried about his well-being or hers, and I think that there’s an underlying issue at work here.
Let’s play armchair psychiatrist for just a moment to see if we can crack the code.
Me: How do you feel about your friend’s affectionate behavior toward her mostly-male friend base?
You: I think it’s inappropriate and that she’s probably a whore.
See? I think we’re really getting somewhere here. Let’s keep going…
Me: When you think of her boyfriend seeing her behavior, what goes through your mind?
You: That he’s got some issues that are likely being triggered by her behavior and OH GOD I WOULD BE SO GOOD TO HIM WHY DOESN’T HE SEE ME?!
::offers Kleenex::
I think that’s enough for this week’s session.
The bottom line here is that this is not your problem to handle. It seems to me* that they both have some emotional baggage which needs to be sorted independently. For this reason, your intervention will do nothing to improve the situation, if it’s even one that needs improving to begin with.
*I am not a trained psychologist, I just play one on the Internet.
Good luck!
Kristine, TMH
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