Divorce Sucks but Friends Can Help
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I thought my 40′s were supposed to be the new 20! Full of fun, me-time (finally), all benefiting from the wisdom of my years. Now as I look around, every 3rd person has cancer or out-of-control kids or decimated finances. And now a close friend is on the brink of divorce.
The husband (the stupidsonofa – you can fill in the rest) was unfaithful. I don’t know what to do or say to the wife other than the usual – I’ll be here for you – empty talk. What are some good, practical steps I can take to show her I care and am here for her every step of this crappy turn her life has now taken? She has 2 kids and doesn’t want them to think badly of their father, if you can imagine. Can you help?
Signed,
Heartsick for Heartbroken Friend
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Dear Heartsick,
Well, I know this guy from Jersey who, for the right price and cash only, will show that cad the error of his ways. Alright, he’s really from Southern Connecticut but he pretends to be from Jersey because it sounds much more bad ass. Plus, you know how Jersey is all the rage these days. If sending a Connecticut mobster after this cheater isn’t how you roll, then there are lots of other ways to show her you care.
Right now, your friend feels like crap. Someone once told me that getting divorced is like getting into a car accident every day for two years. Most of us are not Julia Roberts’ character in “Eat, Pray, Love” eating carbs in Italy until we feel full and happy again. So, your friend needs you.
Keep her busy. It’s harder to be depressed when we’re too busy to be depressed. So go to the movies, out for dinner, play miniature golf, peruse the thrift shops, go the gym, play strip poker with the local lifeguards, join the town’s cougar club, whatever. But just don’t let her sulk alone at home. If she won’t leave the house, then pop by with some DVDs and popcorn. Recruit other friends to do the same.
Plan something that she can look forward to. Often when we get married and have kids, we forget about some of our passions. Ask her what she used to love to do and make a plan to do it together. If her passion is hang gliding, maybe suggest something a bit less death defying like tennis or bingo.
Make her laugh. Laughter goes a long way towards self healing. If you’re not a stand-up comedian, I recommend “The Today Show” – specifically host Kathie Lee. Kathie is undeniably drunk, crazy and hilarious. I defy anyone to watch this woman and not LOL.
Finally, don’t abandon her (your friend, not Kathie Lee). So often one’s spouse gets kicked to the curb in a divorce as all the couple’s friends pick their side. Make sure she knows that you will remain faithful to her.
I commend her for not dragging her kids into the mess of divorce. She’s clearly a very good person and you’re a wonderful friend to help her through this.
Signed,
Kelcey, TMH
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Should I Be Ex-Communicado With My Ex?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Can you tell me what the etiquette is for post-divorce holiday greetings? My holiday greeting to my drunken, womanizing ex-husband was nothing. Meanwhile, his Christmas greeting to all my family members, close friends, distant friends, vague acquaintances, and even my 8-year-old goddaughter was a picture postcard with he and his new girlfriend. (This girlfriend probably was one of the many that he had while we were married.)
While I thought his attempts to humiliate and destroy me would have ended after the divorce papers were signed, the fun just keeps coming. Is there an etiquette for post-divorce holiday greetings that I missed out on? Advice?
Signed,
Newly-Free and Ready-to-be-Happy in Nevada
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Dear Newly Free in Nevada,
It seems to me that this is a basic question of manners. Now that you’re rid of this loser for good, should you take the high road and send him a nice, civil holiday card, or should you take the low-down-jerkface-surface road and do something like he did? Well, let’s think about this.
On the one hand, getting down to his level can sometimes feel pretty damn good, especially when you’re dealing with an ex-husband who is apparently—to quote Jennifer Aniston when she was talking about Brad Pitt—”missing a sensitivity chip.” Therefore, some recommended holiday greetings to give him next year could include:
1. A flaming bag of dog sh*t wrapped in holiday paper
2. A Molotov Cocktail (Hint: Mix in some pumpkin spice to make it even more festive)
3. A YouTube video of his elf-like private parts set to “Jingle Bells”
Or
4. A holiday visit from a 6’6″ ex-con named “Malice” who’s dressed in a Santa suit, and carrying a red and white striped crowbar and two rolls of duct tape because someone’s “on the naughty list.”
But while any of those special greetings would no doubt give you some temporary joy, we all know that getting down in the gutter only makes you feel like a rat, too. Therefore, I say just ignore him. Do what you did this year and send him nothing. Your time with him is over, and all he’s going to do is bring more aggravation to your life if you continue communication. It’s your life, and you should definitely move on and find happiness.
Although, if you wanted to send out a New Year’s card with a picture of the two of you on it that has his face blacked out and the caption, “I Just Lost 200 Pounds of Ugly Fat!”, I certainly wouldn’t try to stop you.
Love,
Wendi, TMH
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Single Mom Seeks Support
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I recently left my fiancee, and we have a six-month-old baby. He moved out of our apartment and into his parents’ house and I am staying at our apartment (I have been paying all the bills since our child was born anyway). In our discussions, he has made it very clear he didn’t want me to date and wasn’t going to date himself. However, I recently found a personals ad that he placed on Craigslist.
He has also been extremely disrespectful to me (name calling, etc). Two questions. 1. Do I have a right to be bothered by this personal ad (in which he bashes me)? 2. Is filing for child support inappropriate?
Signed,
Single Mom
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Dear Single Mom,
It’s too bad that I am already married because nothing turns me on like a personals ad in which the guy bashes the mother of his child. Most women crave that kind of a relationship.
To answer your question, you have a right to be bothered by anything and everything from the way that your ex treated you to this season’s The Bachelor. I mean, how many landing strips jokes can they make? Of course I’ve only seen the first episode, so the answer may well be “one.” Anyway.
I don’t know why your ex-fiance thinks that he has a right to tell you that you can’t date, but you have absolutely no obligation to comply. Likewise, it is hard to tell from your letter whether you are feeling jealous that he seems to be ready to Craigslist date or you’re annoyed because he’s so double-standard about it. In either case, own your feelings.
But also realize that you and he will be parents to your child for the rest of your life, and the two of you will have to work out some parenting rules. At the top of that list should be that each of you is respectful of the other. I can see that this is going to be a challenge for him, and you may consider inviting him to attend a parenting class with you. Don’t put the burden on him alone. For example, as tempting as it may be to say, “Since you are a dumbass with no parenting or social skills, why don’t you go to class and learn how to be a dad?”—don’t. Tell him that you want to be the best parents that you can be to your baby and that you want to make sure that the two of you are prepared for the challenges of parenting when the two of you are not together.
And of course he should be paying child support. Supporting your child is part of being a parent. There are even laws about it.
Good luck to you,
Marinka, TMH
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Sooner or Later, We All Want To Sleep Alone
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m a single mother of two. My son (4) is a party animal. He could stay up until 2 a.m. if I let him, whereas my daughter (2) has to be in bed by 8:30ish or little miss Crabby comes out. The problem is that they both sleep with me. This was something my ex-husband started and now I can’t/ don’t know how to break them of this habit.
Shy of drugging my oldest or knocking him out, how do I get him into his own bed? They share a room together. I would like my bed back. I can no longer stand to be beaten by flying limbs and poked by toddler size 12 feet! I need a serious intervention!
Signed,
There’s Always an Elbow in My Face
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Dear There’s Always an Elbow,
In order to fix this problem, you must be committed because you may face some serious resistance from your toddlers. So stay strong, and any time you feel weak and want to just let them back into your bed, imagine coming home from a date with a new hottie boyfriend, leading him seductively up to your bedroom and finding your bed packed with sleeping, drooling children. Say goodbye to that Action Jackson because Hottie boyfriend is going to find himself a girl with less baggage in bed.
So now are you committed to doing this? Okay, then let’s move on. Set the same bedtime for both of your children since they are close in age and also share a room. (I would recommend 7:30 or 8 p.m.) Have a predictable bedtime routine that includes bath, books and songs. Start early enough so that you are tucking them in by 7:30 and that way all their attempts to procrastinate should be over by 8.
Let them know that if they sleep in their own beds, they can have a handful of M&M’s for breakfast. Yes, you heard me mama, M&M’s for breakfast. Parents have been using this chocolate treat for years as a way to potty train kids, so there’s no reason it can’t work as a reward for good bedtime behavior, too. (You can also try some other incentive like a sticker chart, but my kids think stickers are the most overrated toy on the planet.)
Now obviously you won’t give them M&M’s forever (unless your dental insurance is way better than mine) but it will serve as an bribe incentive until they are in the bedtime groove. Get them ready for this new routine by letting them pick out new sheets for their bedroom or maybe a stuffed animal or babydoll for their bed. And get a cool nightlight as well.
For the first few nights, you may need to lie down on a sleeping bag beside your 2 year-old in order for her to feel secure falling asleep, since I’m assuming she’s never slept alone. But eventually they’ll both get used to it (I promise or you can ship them over to my house).
During this process, do not cave and let them back into your bed or you will start all over again. Just remember the hottie boyfriend. In your bed. The two of you alone. This is your future.
Good luck to you and let us know how it goes!
Love,
Kelcey, TMH
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Musical Beds
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve been separated from my wife for 10 months and my just turned three-year-old son will not sleep in his bed when he’s with me. Is it the bed or does he just miss his dad? Or something else?
Signed,
Perplexed Parent
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Dear Perplexed,
Well, this morning I tried to understand why my two kids were drawing all over my car windows while I was taking the groceries out of the trunk. Let’s just say I still haven’t gotten a decent explanation out of them yet. Sometimes kids are an enigma.
I’m assuming that your son is crawling into bed with you and if I had to guess, I’d say he misses you. Separation and divorce is brutal on everyone involved, including children. Your son may be getting less time with you and wants to be close to you at night. Or maybe he’s in a new bedroom and doesn’t feel comfortable yet. Or maybe he’s just acting like a 3-year-old.
Whatever the reason, you need to decide if the behavior is bothering you. There are many advocates of family beds who think co-sleeping is a wonderful, bonding experience. I personally don’t like sleeping with my child’s elbow mashed in my ear and her hot breath on my face, so it’s not for me.
If you’d like to transition your son out of your bed, I would suggest that you throw down a mattress or a sleeping bag next to his bed. Every time he wants to come into your bed, just guide him back to his own bed and plop down in the sleeping bag until he falls back to sleep. This will give him some security and get him out of the habit of crawling into bed with you.
If that doesn’t work, buy him one of those beds in the shape of Thomas the Train. You can’t put a price tag a good night’s rest.
But just remember, there is no right answer. You both have been through a lot and you should do what feels comfortable right now. I’d write more, but I’m off to find out how long it takes to scrub crayon off my new car.
Good luck.
Love,
Kelcey, TMH
