My good friend “Cindy” and I are both in our 40′s. She recently got divorced and now, quite understandably, she wants to go out to clubs and bars and start mingling. The problem is that she wants me to go with her because she doesn’t want to go alone. I’m happily married and don’t have the time or desire to hang out in a singles bar, but I still want to support her. Advice?

Signed,

Not Single, Don’t Wanna Mingle

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Dear Not Single,

One thing nobody tells you about in your 20′s—when you and all of your friends are out every night meeting guys—is that half of you will be doing it all over again 20 years later. Only this time most of the guys will be bald, disillusioned and taking medicine for their high cholesterol. It’s like Cocoon meets Sex and the City meets Dr. Oz. HOT!

Anyway, while you’re a good friend for supporting her, of course you can’t accompany her on her nightly Man Trawls or you’ll soon be divorced yourself. Therefore, I have a few (brilliant) suggestions for you:

1. Find another single or divorced woman you know and hook them up. They no doubt have a lot in common and would love to spend time going out to clubs together. (Think The First Wives Club, but without the poor writing and lip syncing to Motown songs.)

2. Suggest Cindy try another way of meeting men, such as Match.com, eHarmony or the new dating/tax service I just invented two minutes ago called “Heart o’ Tax” where you can go on a date with a CPA and have him do your taxes before he kisses you good night. 1099! 1099! Oh, God, 10…99!

3. Related to #2, see if she’s interested in being set-up with a single man you know, then maybe go on a double date. That way she still has you around as back-up, but it’s a little more civilized than a single’s bar where people lick things off of other people and then scream “Woohoo!” and have to go to the county health clinic a week later.

4. Do not, under any circumstances, call her a Cougar, a Puma or a Mountain Snow Leopard because it will only hurt her feelings. Unless, of course, she’s dating a 25-year-old guy named Colton who works at a kiosk.

But my biggest piece of advice is for you is to realize that she’s probably sewing some wild oats (or “sowing” if you prefer the “correct” usage of that term) and will calm down soon enough. Divorce is incredibly stressful and she’s now just enjoying herself as much as she can. So be there, support her and listen to the stories about all the hot guys she met last night.

Especially the bald ones who have high cholesterol.

Sincerely,

Wendi, TMH

I just noticed my female cousin and my ex-husband are now “friends” on Facebook. My ex was verbally/physically/mentally abuse to me as well as verbally/mentally abusive also to my cousin. Do you feel this is appropriate for the two of them to now be friends on Facebook?

Signed,

Dislike!

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Dear Dislike,

Do you remember a time before Facebook? Where family drama was communicated through phone lines and in whispered hushes at family gatherings? When you had to work a bit harder to be passive aggressive about your feelings for your siblings choice of spouse? When the Internet was a place for the young and hip and not the aging and hip-replaced?

Yeah, me neither.

The fact of the matter is that I find many things about Facebook to be highly inappropriate. They include but are not limited to the following:

1. Telling me what you’re doing today, whether it’s going to the post office or making pasta for dinner. Yes, life is boring, and we’re all gonna die. We don’t need the reminder.

2. ANYTHING THAT MUST BE ACCENTUATED WITH ALL CAPS. Especially if you’re referencing the murder of your husband.

3. Posting pictures of your cleavage. Or moobs. Let’s at least pretend we’re not whores.

4. Updates that fish for compliments, flattery, sympathy, or advice on how to unclog a toilet. Your insecurities and digestive issues make everyone feel uncomfortable.

5. Images of my underage nieces and nephews chugging vodka and/or straddling members of the opposite sex. Mostly because it’s too much too fast, but also because it makes me feel old and prudish.

6. Public feuds. Please have the courtesy to NOT delete your humiliating arguments with your sister in-law. What’s embarrassing for you is a much-needed mood-lifting perspective for the rest of us.

Really, I could go on, but I worry that I’ll implicate myself at some point. So, back to you. Your situation is, hands down, also inappropriate. You should feel supported by your family, especially if you had the strength and courage to get yourself out of an abusive marriage. I can’t pretend to know why your cousin would make that connection, but I think you should certainly confront her. You don’t need to start a fight (though, if you do, please don’t delete it), but be honest about how this betrayal has made you feel.

In the end, what your cousin has done isn’t a Facebook issue, but a sensitivity issue. We’ve already written off the character of your ex, but your family should know better. (Then again, if your cousin also starts posting images of her cleavage, just cut the strings and call it a day.)

Good luck!

Kristine, TMH

I have been happily dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. There is only one problem in our relationship: his ex-wife.

My boyfriend and his ex have a 2 ½ year old daughter together. So, I try to stay out of the way, and even respect his ex’s wishes enough to not live or sleep over when he has the little girl. Even though I adore her and I am around her 50% of the time that she is with her dad.

But nothing I have done so far is good enough for his ex, the Wicked Witch of the West. I’ve even tried staying out of her way yet she still brings me into it.

Frankly, I’d rather just acetone her car but that wouldn’t solve anything. So what in God’s great creation am I supposed to be doing? I’m not going to turn and run because the witch will just keep on torturing everyone else. Plus, I love my boyfriend and his little girl.

Signed,

I’ve Got The Solvent, Now Where’s The Ex’s Car?

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Dear IGTSNWTEC,

That’s a very long name. I’m winded just writing the letters. Can I just call you Apple, or how about Zuma?

Actually…Leann Rimes, is that you? Writing in to The Mouthy Housewives about Eddie’s ex on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?

No, no, wait, that’s not possible. Given LeAnn’s current muscle to skeleton ratio it would be impossible for her to even pick up a pen and write us a letter much less have the wherewithal to construct an actual sentence! But hey, now you know that should you decide to dabble in script writing you’ve got the perfect “reality” show to sell to Bravo!

I give you a lot of credit for trying to respect your boyfriend’s ex’s wishes and for putting in a lot of thought and care for his daughter. But it sounds like no matter what you do it may never be enough for the ex.

Some key factors that may be playing a part in her behavior, and to which you might want the answers, are:

1)    How did their relationship end? Was it her decision or his?

2)    Her daughter was only 6 months when you guys started dating, this isn’t quite Bridget Moynahan vs. Gisele Bundchen, but it’s close. Could this be hurting her? To see her daughter bond with another woman?

3)    Does she have someone else in her life? Similar to the relationship you and your boyfriend have? Could she be jealous?

Of course, none of these answers is an excuse for her to act the way that she does but it may at least help you to understand her a little bit better.

I would suggest the three (or four, if she also has a new partner in her life) of you sit down for a discussion. Try and find a way to communicate, not for yourselves but for the little girl.

But you must also remember to stick up for yourself. It’s been very honorable of you to allow the ex-wife to call the shots as to when you are around her daughter BUT (big but here) there is also a point where you should stand up for yourself, your relationship with your boyfriend, and your love of the little girl too. You have been around for two years now. His daughter knows you and knows that this isn’t just some fling. It’s time to stop letting the ex control everything. It’s possible she has realized that her freak-outs get her what she wants. Stand up to her and tell her what you and your boyfriend need now.

At the end of the day, if she is still acting like the Wicked Witch of the West, you just need to realize, as Chris Rock put it best: “that *itch is crazy!” Alas, whether it’s an ex-wife, a mother-in-law, a best friend, or even a pet, our loved ones always come with some kind of baggage that we have to deal with to the best of our abilities. And unfortunately, or so I’ve been told, you can’t run over all the folks in your partner’s life that annoy you. It’s a real bummer.

Good Luck,

Tonya, TMH

My husband and I have been separated for a year and a half now. We do not have a formal agreement in place but are living apart. Last year I was ‘excused’ from sending out Christmas cards due to a death in the family.  This year I am at a loss at to what I should do. Not everyone knows about the separation (and I am making myself sick thinking about the gossip that will arise once everyone knows) but if I send out a card with myself and my kids, the cat will be out of the bag. Help!

Signed,

Secretly Separated

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Dear Secretly Separated,

I’m sorry for your separation. But I’m guessing that your “secret separation” is not so secret at all.  These things tend to get out and kids are not so fabulous at keeping their mouths shut.  Like the way my 4-year-old shouted yesterday in a crowded public restroom… “Mom, what’s taking you so long? Are you pooping? It smells like you are pooping.” No I’m not! Here’s my iPhone. Please stop screaming!

I’m sure by now your separation is old news and the ladies in the neighborhood are already gossiping about that middle aged mom who has been seen THREE times with that young handsome Starbucks barista. (She must really like coffee.) Plus, so what if they are talking about you? Maybe one of those chatty Cathys knows of an eligible bachelor a couple towns over that might be your future soul mate.

But if you are really trying to keep this under wraps with distant relatives and whoever else is on your Christmas list, just send a photo of your kids.  A lot of people do this because children are so much cuter than those of us who are age challenged and beginning to wrinkle and sag.  No one will think anything of it!

But you should not be ashamed of your separation. It sounds like you are doing what’s best for your family and yourself.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

My husband is an alcoholic. He’s also very jealous and possessive. He’s taken our grocery budget and spent in on booze. He’s done some faulty things with loose women. If it were up to him, I would be trapped at home 24/7, and he gets angry if I go out and have fun without him.

Recently, I went out for a girls’ night, and my husband agreed to stay home with our two year old son.  After I left however, he promptly invited friends over and drank like a fish out of water. He then called me to say that he couldn’t get our son to sleep and decided to let our friend drive him around drunk!

I was beyond mortified and furious! Long story short, when I confronted our friend he told me that he wasn’t drunk, didn’t drive anywhere, and that my husband was lying about it to get me home early. He even bragged about how fast he could make me skip out on Girls’ Night.

But the twist is he’s a great father. He didn’t have a father growing up, and its very important to him to be an active part of our son’s life. They have a great relationship, and he’s my son’s best friend, hands down.

I can’t afford counseling so please don’t suggest it; I’m on food stamps as is. Can I fix our broken marriage? Should I even bother? I dream that we could be an old couple celebrating 50 years together. But now, I’m not so sure what to do. Help!

Signed,

Tired. Tried. Teary Eyed.

___________________________________

Dear Tired. Tried. Teary Eyed.,

Let me get this straight:

1. Your husband is emotionally abusive and manipulative.

2. He spends his son’s food money on booze because he’s a raging alcoholic.

3. His fidelity is in question.

4. And he thinks it’s funny to JOKE about DRUNK DRIVING with a TWO YEAR OLD?

This answer is so crystal clear to me that it almost reminds me of Mediterranean waters (just with added sadness and despair):

YOU NEED TO GET OUT. Move, divorce him, whatever. But you need to get your son out of this environment posthaste.

You may think your husband is a fantastic father, but if he were, he wouldn’t have used that night alone with his little boy to party with his friends; he would’ve spent some quality time with the child. And in addition to endangering the welfare of your son by getting drunk while watching him (omfg), he’s also a terrible role model for the boy. I’ve heard it put this way: would you want your son growing up to be your husband? If not, he’s not  father material. (If you need further convincing, look up a book called Adult Children of Alcoholics. Your husband may think he’s being a part of his son’s life, but when he’s drunk, he’s not actually THERE and this will have lasting detrimental effects.)

Sure, he may be plagued with alcoholism, but you are actually enabling the disease by bending your life to fit around his destructive lifestyle. If you want to try to get him help, go for it. (There’s also Al-Anon for you, and they’re free!) But know that he’s got to want it for himself if it’s ever going to work. No ones to say that you can’t patch things up while he’s clean, but for now, he needs to get on the wagon before you can even THINK about next week, not to mention the next fifty years.

Run, don’t walk,

Kristine, TMH

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My husband hates me. I had an internet affair about 2 years ago and although I have seen the error of my ways, asked for forgiveness, and tried to move on, he can’t.

Things were bad for many years before the affair, so our relationship was in terrible shape before that, and the cheating just seemed to crush it.

I don’t think he loved me anymore before it happened, and I don’t blame him for hating me now. The guilt for me is never ending. If I do anything that seems suspicious to him, no matter how small and insignificant, he accuses me of lying to him, and brings back all of the mistakes I’ve made into the discussion.

Do you have any advice? Is counseling the last chance? We have two little kids. I want the family to be whole, but I can’t even get him to commit to trying.

As it is, he told me months ago that he hasn’t decided if he wants to stay with me. So the stress of wondering if/when he will leave me is really making it hard to cope. I want to make things right, but at the same time, I feel like he’ll be punishing me for the rest of our marriage, no matter what I do. I don’t expect things to magically go back to normal, but this current situation is terrible and I have a really hard time dealing with depression, guilt, and feeling like I am horrible human being.

Please help,

Guilty

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Dear Guilty,

Oh, my.

Your marriage was in trouble and your extramarital affair didn’t seem to help matters.  Huh.  Whoddathunkit?

I will not pass judgment on whether your having an affair makes you a terrible person or not, but I will say that you need to find a way to make peace with what you did.  Learn from the experience, grow, but move on. Because the self-flagellation bit is not doing you or your husband or your children one bit of good.

You say that you want your family to be whole, because you have two little children, but let’s face it:  your family is shattered and has been for a while.  You think your husband hates you, you are destroyed by guilt, he is undecided about whether to leave you or not and the stress is eating you up inside.  These are not the Family Values that benefit anyone.

Instead of wondering if your husband wants to remain married to you, ask yourself if you want to remain in this marriage.  Not just “for the children”– for you.  I know that there are some people who think that when there are children, a marriage must be preserved at all costs.  I’m not one of those people.  If the parents aren’t fulfilled and happy, it will make its mark on the children.

If you do love your husband and want to remain married, you will need to see a marriage counselor.  Not only to try to mend your relationship, but to try to figure out where things went wrong in the first place.  Your marriage is in trouble. I don’t know if it’s salvageable or if it’s worth trying to save at this point.

If your husband is so hurt by your actions or if he no longer loves you for whatever reason, the two of you will need to figure out a way to co-parent effectively, without accusations and recriminations.  Because every child deserves that.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

I am a divorced mother of a 3-and-a-half-year-old son and a 19-year-old daughter from a previous marriage.  I left my ex-husband when my son was a year old because of multiple Anthony Weiner-style indiscretions.

However, I am now very happily re-married to a wonderful man and am pregnant! Needless to say, my ex is still single and he has been continually nasty ever since I began my relationship with my now husband. He takes small issues and turns them into arguments that last for days, he screams at me over the phone and sends horrible text messages or emails over what amounts to petty issues. Here is an example: He refuses to call any other number besides my cell even though he has all my other numbers. Because of this I have missed speaking with my son when he is with his father. This is especially a problem when I work in the evenings, because I have to keep my phone on vibrate. How do I handle this?

Signed,

Mrs. Blissfully Happy – except for being divorced from Anthony Weiner’s nasty cousin Asshole Weiner

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Dear Blissfully Happy,

What the &%$#?! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I have to say I blacked out there for a bit due to the overwhelming odor of your ex’s douchebaggery. I’m fine now thanks to my smelling salts or, er, Jack Daniels. (Same difference.) Now, I have to wonder: Is your ex trying to win The Asshole Limbo Contest? Past winners include Michael Lohan, Mel Gibson, and Ike Turner. The top prize being a Cuisinart blender and a Chicken Soup for the Asshole Soul encyclopedia set.

While he may soon be the proud owner of a new kitchen appliance, I’m not quite sure that is going to help your ex’s manipulative and controlling manner. And, quite frankly, I don’t know that there is a whole lot you can do to get him to be more of a human being based on his past behavior. You could try to talk to him, explaining that it hurts your son when the toddler doesn’t get a chance to talk to his mommy. It’s important to keep the best interests of the child at the forefront of every interaction that takes place. Perhaps, your ex will choose the happiness of his child over the chance to make his ex’s life hell?

It’s obvious from your leaving him in the first place that you realize the only way to deal with a bully is do what you can to take care of yourself and your family. For the moment is it possible to speak with your supervisor and let him/her know that when your son is with your ex you will need to answer your cell phone? Or is there a way you can schedule an exact time for your son and ex to call you and then you can have your cell phone in hand and ready? This will at least help you have a chance to speak with your little boy for now.

However, I’m still quite concerned about how limber your ex may be (continuing the limbo gag here) and the lengths he may go to sabotage your connection with your son. His jealous, mean-spirited behavior is not healthy for you and, most importantly, NOT for your child. If he continues to leave hurtful messages, send ill-spirited emails, or take out his anger out on you I would suggest that it is high time you got his visits supervised. Contact your local family law court. Abuse of any kind should not be tolerated. And you definitely don’t want your child to learn this kind of negative behavior.

Good Luck!

Signed,

Tonya, TMH

I’m a 17 year-old teenager with, traditionally, a really close relationship with my mother. My parents divorced when I was three, and while my siblings (much older) went to boarding school, I was raised by my mum instead, in always a very liberal (but mostly structured) environment, liberal enough that I felt open enough to come out at 13 to her (her response being “I know.” Thanks for the heartfelt scene, mum.)

Up until a couple of years ago, we were pretty much functional – reruns of Gilmore Girls on Sundays with brioche and coffee for her and coke and hot cross buns for me. She’s also always worked long hours so I’ve grown up doing a lot of housework by default (well, I want dinner before 8pm).

Since I was nine, I’ve had quite severe migraines, several a week, and it’s impacted my attendance at school. I get maybe four or five a week and that adds up to an extremely low attendance rate. As my condition has gotten worse, my mum has been understandably pushing me to attend school. I’ve tried to explain to her over and over that I’m not just going to make a show appearance with a migraine and go home (as she’s suggested, which will superficially count as improved attendance on my school’s system) because my migraines make it impossible to concentrate properly and I get very severe light sensitivity (classrooms tend to be lit.) I’ve worked really hard this year, mostly out of school (AS levels in the UK are modular, so the material tends to all be in packs or coursework/exam based) and I’ve never gotten below an A in any of my tests.

More than that, I’ve come to an arrangement (mostly by email and through my tutor) that means I do a lot of study at home, and my mum has been privy to these discussions, but our relationship has totally broken down arguing about it – I say I’m not going to go with a migraine, my mum tells me to go for show, and I get increasingly annoyed by it. More than that, she even employs the epithet “Why don’t you just go live with your father then”, which is incredibly hurtful and manipulative. I literally don’t know how to talk to her.

Please help,

Hurt
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Dear Hurt,

You sound so lovely and responsible that I’m afraid that I’m going to have to insist that you come live with us at The Mouthy Housewives mansion. Bring the coffee and brioches. Oh, heck, grab the hot cross buns too!

I have to ask– have you sought medical attention for your migraines? Although it sounds like you are doing everything possible to make the best of the situation by working out a suitable arrangement with your teachers, your migraines are interfering with your life in a very significant way. This means that you must seek medical attention as soon as possible, and your mother should come with you.

There are many people who do not understand migraines, possibly because they have been blessedly spared them. Some people think that a migraine is nothing more than a “bad headache.” It sounds like your mom’s attitude, encouraging you to push through it, essentially, comes at least partially from a lack of awareness.

It always hurts more when our parents, who are supposed to be our protectors, don’t support us. And you are rightfully upset because your mom is dismissive about the severity of your condition. What makes it worse is that I’m guessing the two of you are having these discussions while you are in the middle of a migraine.

You need to speak to your mom when you are feeling well. Tell her that you would like to see a doctor and that you’d like her to come along. Let your doctor do the teaching.

And please keep us posted. We’re just a hop and a skip over the pond.

Take care,

Marinka, TMH

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I am a divorced mother of two (ages 17 and 10). I’ve been divorced for approximately 3 years after an 11 year marriage. It was very difficult for me.  I am 35 years old and tried dating several times but when it got serious, I turned and ran for the door. I felt like I was settling and I refuse to settle. I know what I want but I’m beginning to think my standards are set too high.

Normally, I am attracted to older guys but the younger ones in their 20s are the only ones really pursuing me. For the past month, I hooked up with a 20 year old and the boy has rocked my world. We have great sex but he is immature. We entered the relationship as “friends with benefits.”  It worked for me because I don’t have to commit but the more time I spend with him the more I truly like him. What should I do?

Signed,

My “Friends with Benefits” Man is Only Three Years Older Than My Child

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Dear Friends with Benefits,

I think at some point all of us have to ask ourselves the most important relationship question… Am I Demi Moore in this scenario?

Perhaps you are. Maybe you’re already dating your Ashton Kutcher and it’s just time to take the relationship to the next level.  And many many years from now, you’ll be sitting on the couch with him, holding hands and watching old reruns of “Two and a Half Men.”

When I was in my late twenties (okay, I was 30), I dated someone significantly younger than me. Like a decade younger. And he was sweet, super cute and loads fun. He had abs that I’ll never experience again. But once some of the lust wore off, I realized that I really had NOTHING to say to him. Not even a mutually shared love of Kabbalah and Twitter to fall back on.  So I broke his sweet young heart. I’m absolutely positive he must still be pining away for me.

Your boy toy sounds hot. And fun. With awesome abs. But you said it yourself… he’s immature. And I’m guessing that is not a trait you are looking for in a long term relationship.  Go ahead and date this guy until he makes fart jokes in front of your boss at the company summer picnic. Then move on.

Given your divorce, I can imagine you are very gun shy about relationships right now.  You might want to consider making an appointment with a therapist to work on some of your fears.  And don’t ever think about settling when it comes to men.  Now if you’re at the grocery store and they’re out of Cookie Dough Crunch ice cream, feel free to settle for Double Chocolate Delight. But when it comes to guys, you deserve the best one.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

My husband’s ex-wife wants to come to my house for a surprise graduation party my husband’s daughter-in-law is throwing. Now, this woman has done terrible things not only to my husband but has been very cold to me. My husband is afraid that if I don’t allow it he won’t be invited to future events at her house for his kids. Mind you the kids have never accepted me either.

What should I do?

Signed,

Conundrum Connie

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Dear C.C.,

First off, get drunk. Lord knows I need a drink just reading the question. Please stand by while I make one.

Okay, I took care of that. Let’s see if I fully understand your situation. Your step daughter-in-law is throwing a surprise party at your home and the ex-wife wants to come, we assume because this party is for her son (or possibly her daughter since we want to include the possibility of gay marriage), only the ex-wife looks to Mel Gibson as a guiding force and personal role model in her life.

What can I say other than it sucks to be you? Let me think. Beware this thinking thing may lead to brain constipation…

Fifteen minutes later

Either I did incur a terrible case of brain constipation or the answer to your dilemma is surprisingly clear. After all of the thinking, the only solution that comes to me is to invite her to the party. I can’t see how it would hurt you, plus, since your step-daughter-in-law is throwing the party, shouldn’t she have a say in the guest list? Besides, think of the bonus Christmas points you’ll earn with a charitable attitude. I’m pretty sure Santa puts an asterisk that closely resembles diamond earrings beside the names of people who graciously tolerate asshat ex-spouses.

Signed,

Heather, TMH