An Affair to Remember
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband hates me. I had an internet affair about 2 years ago and although I have seen the error of my ways, asked for forgiveness, and tried to move on, he can’t.
Things were bad for many years before the affair, so our relationship was in terrible shape before that, and the cheating just seemed to crush it.
I don’t think he loved me anymore before it happened, and I don’t blame him for hating me now. The guilt for me is never ending. If I do anything that seems suspicious to him, no matter how small and insignificant, he accuses me of lying to him, and brings back all of the mistakes I’ve made into the discussion.
Do you have any advice? Is counseling the last chance? We have two little kids. I want the family to be whole, but I can’t even get him to commit to trying.
As it is, he told me months ago that he hasn’t decided if he wants to stay with me. So the stress of wondering if/when he will leave me is really making it hard to cope. I want to make things right, but at the same time, I feel like he’ll be punishing me for the rest of our marriage, no matter what I do. I don’t expect things to magically go back to normal, but this current situation is terrible and I have a really hard time dealing with depression, guilt, and feeling like I am horrible human being.
Please help,
Guilty
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Dear Guilty,
Oh, my.
Your marriage was in trouble and your extramarital affair didn’t seem to help matters. Huh. Whoddathunkit?
I will not pass judgment on whether your having an affair makes you a terrible person or not, but I will say that you need to find a way to make peace with what you did. Learn from the experience, grow, but move on. Because the self-flagellation bit is not doing you or your husband or your children one bit of good.
You say that you want your family to be whole, because you have two little children, but let’s face it: your family is shattered and has been for a while. You think your husband hates you, you are destroyed by guilt, he is undecided about whether to leave you or not and the stress is eating you up inside. These are not the Family Values that benefit anyone.
Instead of wondering if your husband wants to remain married to you, ask yourself if you want to remain in this marriage. Not just “for the children”– for you. I know that there are some people who think that when there are children, a marriage must be preserved at all costs. I’m not one of those people. If the parents aren’t fulfilled and happy, it will make its mark on the children.
If you do love your husband and want to remain married, you will need to see a marriage counselor. Not only to try to mend your relationship, but to try to figure out where things went wrong in the first place. Your marriage is in trouble. I don’t know if it’s salvageable or if it’s worth trying to save at this point.
If your husband is so hurt by your actions or if he no longer loves you for whatever reason, the two of you will need to figure out a way to co-parent effectively, without accusations and recriminations. Because every child deserves that.
Good luck,
Marinka, TMH
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And This Year’s Sleezy Award Goes To…
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am a divorced mother of a 3-and-a-half-year-old son and a 19-year-old daughter from a previous marriage. I left my ex-husband when my son was a year old because of multiple Anthony Weiner-style indiscretions.
However, I am now very happily re-married to a wonderful man and am pregnant! Needless to say, my ex is still single and he has been continually nasty ever since I began my relationship with my now husband. He takes small issues and turns them into arguments that last for days, he screams at me over the phone and sends horrible text messages or emails over what amounts to petty issues. Here is an example: He refuses to call any other number besides my cell even though he has all my other numbers. Because of this I have missed speaking with my son when he is with his father. This is especially a problem when I work in the evenings, because I have to keep my phone on vibrate. How do I handle this?
Signed,
Mrs. Blissfully Happy – except for being divorced from Anthony Weiner’s nasty cousin Asshole Weiner
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Dear Blissfully Happy,
What the &%$#?! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I have to say I blacked out there for a bit due to the overwhelming odor of your ex’s douchebaggery. I’m fine now thanks to my smelling salts or, er, Jack Daniels. (Same difference.) Now, I have to wonder: Is your ex trying to win The Asshole Limbo Contest? Past winners include Michael Lohan, Mel Gibson, and Ike Turner. The top prize being a Cuisinart blender and a Chicken Soup for the Asshole Soul encyclopedia set.
While he may soon be the proud owner of a new kitchen appliance, I’m not quite sure that is going to help your ex’s manipulative and controlling manner. And, quite frankly, I don’t know that there is a whole lot you can do to get him to be more of a human being based on his past behavior. You could try to talk to him, explaining that it hurts your son when the toddler doesn’t get a chance to talk to his mommy. It’s important to keep the best interests of the child at the forefront of every interaction that takes place. Perhaps, your ex will choose the happiness of his child over the chance to make his ex’s life hell?
It’s obvious from your leaving him in the first place that you realize the only way to deal with a bully is do what you can to take care of yourself and your family. For the moment is it possible to speak with your supervisor and let him/her know that when your son is with your ex you will need to answer your cell phone? Or is there a way you can schedule an exact time for your son and ex to call you and then you can have your cell phone in hand and ready? This will at least help you have a chance to speak with your little boy for now.
However, I’m still quite concerned about how limber your ex may be (continuing the limbo gag here) and the lengths he may go to sabotage your connection with your son. His jealous, mean-spirited behavior is not healthy for you and, most importantly, NOT for your child. If he continues to leave hurtful messages, send ill-spirited emails, or take out his anger out on you I would suggest that it is high time you got his visits supervised. Contact your local family law court. Abuse of any kind should not be tolerated. And you definitely don’t want your child to learn this kind of negative behavior.
Good Luck!
Signed,
Tonya, TMH
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I Have Migraines And Mother Problems
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m a 17 year-old teenager with, traditionally, a really close relationship with my mother. My parents divorced when I was three, and while my siblings (much older) went to boarding school, I was raised by my mum instead, in always a very liberal (but mostly structured) environment, liberal enough that I felt open enough to come out at 13 to her (her response being “I know.” Thanks for the heartfelt scene, mum.)
Up until a couple of years ago, we were pretty much functional – reruns of Gilmore Girls on Sundays with brioche and coffee for her and coke and hot cross buns for me. She’s also always worked long hours so I’ve grown up doing a lot of housework by default (well, I want dinner before 8pm).
Since I was nine, I’ve had quite severe migraines, several a week, and it’s impacted my attendance at school. I get maybe four or five a week and that adds up to an extremely low attendance rate. As my condition has gotten worse, my mum has been understandably pushing me to attend school. I’ve tried to explain to her over and over that I’m not just going to make a show appearance with a migraine and go home (as she’s suggested, which will superficially count as improved attendance on my school’s system) because my migraines make it impossible to concentrate properly and I get very severe light sensitivity (classrooms tend to be lit.) I’ve worked really hard this year, mostly out of school (AS levels in the UK are modular, so the material tends to all be in packs or coursework/exam based) and I’ve never gotten below an A in any of my tests.
More than that, I’ve come to an arrangement (mostly by email and through my tutor) that means I do a lot of study at home, and my mum has been privy to these discussions, but our relationship has totally broken down arguing about it – I say I’m not going to go with a migraine, my mum tells me to go for show, and I get increasingly annoyed by it. More than that, she even employs the epithet “Why don’t you just go live with your father then”, which is incredibly hurtful and manipulative. I literally don’t know how to talk to her.
Please help,
Hurt
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Dear Hurt,
You sound so lovely and responsible that I’m afraid that I’m going to have to insist that you come live with us at The Mouthy Housewives mansion. Bring the coffee and brioches. Oh, heck, grab the hot cross buns too!
I have to ask– have you sought medical attention for your migraines? Although it sounds like you are doing everything possible to make the best of the situation by working out a suitable arrangement with your teachers, your migraines are interfering with your life in a very significant way. This means that you must seek medical attention as soon as possible, and your mother should come with you.
There are many people who do not understand migraines, possibly because they have been blessedly spared them. Some people think that a migraine is nothing more than a “bad headache.” It sounds like your mom’s attitude, encouraging you to push through it, essentially, comes at least partially from a lack of awareness.
It always hurts more when our parents, who are supposed to be our protectors, don’t support us. And you are rightfully upset because your mom is dismissive about the severity of your condition. What makes it worse is that I’m guessing the two of you are having these discussions while you are in the middle of a migraine.
You need to speak to your mom when you are feeling well. Tell her that you would like to see a doctor and that you’d like her to come along. Let your doctor do the teaching.
And please keep us posted. We’re just a hop and a skip over the pond.
Take care,
Marinka, TMH
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Can This Younger Man, Older Woman Thing Really Work?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am a divorced mother of two (ages 17 and 10). I’ve been divorced for approximately 3 years after an 11 year marriage. It was very difficult for me. I am 35 years old and tried dating several times but when it got serious, I turned and ran for the door. I felt like I was settling and I refuse to settle. I know what I want but I’m beginning to think my standards are set too high.
Normally, I am attracted to older guys but the younger ones in their 20s are the only ones really pursuing me. For the past month, I hooked up with a 20 year old and the boy has rocked my world. We have great sex but he is immature. We entered the relationship as “friends with benefits.” It worked for me because I don’t have to commit but the more time I spend with him the more I truly like him. What should I do?
Signed,
My “Friends with Benefits” Man is Only Three Years Older Than My Child
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Dear Friends with Benefits,
I think at some point all of us have to ask ourselves the most important relationship question… Am I Demi Moore in this scenario?
Perhaps you are. Maybe you’re already dating your Ashton Kutcher and it’s just time to take the relationship to the next level. And many many years from now, you’ll be sitting on the couch with him, holding hands and watching old reruns of “Two and a Half Men.”
When I was in my late twenties (okay, I was 30), I dated someone significantly younger than me. Like a decade younger. And he was sweet, super cute and loads fun. He had abs that I’ll never experience again. But once some of the lust wore off, I realized that I really had NOTHING to say to him. Not even a mutually shared love of Kabbalah and Twitter to fall back on. So I broke his sweet young heart. I’m absolutely positive he must still be pining away for me.
Your boy toy sounds hot. And fun. With awesome abs. But you said it yourself… he’s immature. And I’m guessing that is not a trait you are looking for in a long term relationship. Go ahead and date this guy until he makes fart jokes in front of your boss at the company summer picnic. Then move on.
Given your divorce, I can imagine you are very gun shy about relationships right now. You might want to consider making an appointment with a therapist to work on some of your fears. And don’t ever think about settling when it comes to men. Now if you’re at the grocery store and they’re out of Cookie Dough Crunch ice cream, feel free to settle for Double Chocolate Delight. But when it comes to guys, you deserve the best one.
Good luck,
Kelcey, TMH
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It’s My Party and I’ll Invite Who I Want To
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband’s ex-wife wants to come to my house for a surprise graduation party my husband’s daughter-in-law is throwing. Now, this woman has done terrible things not only to my husband but has been very cold to me. My husband is afraid that if I don’t allow it he won’t be invited to future events at her house for his kids. Mind you the kids have never accepted me either.
What should I do?
Signed,
Conundrum Connie
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Dear C.C.,
First off, get drunk. Lord knows I need a drink just reading the question. Please stand by while I make one.
Okay, I took care of that. Let’s see if I fully understand your situation. Your step daughter-in-law is throwing a surprise party at your home and the ex-wife wants to come, we assume because this party is for her son (or possibly her daughter since we want to include the possibility of gay marriage), only the ex-wife looks to Mel Gibson as a guiding force and personal role model in her life.
What can I say other than it sucks to be you? Let me think. Beware this thinking thing may lead to brain constipation…
Fifteen minutes later
Either I did incur a terrible case of brain constipation or the answer to your dilemma is surprisingly clear. After all of the thinking, the only solution that comes to me is to invite her to the party. I can’t see how it would hurt you, plus, since your step-daughter-in-law is throwing the party, shouldn’t she have a say in the guest list? Besides, think of the bonus Christmas points you’ll earn with a charitable attitude. I’m pretty sure Santa puts an asterisk that closely resembles diamond earrings beside the names of people who graciously tolerate asshat ex-spouses.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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