Stepmother Woes
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am a full-time stepmom to 13 and 15 yr old stepsons. We also have a 6 year old son. Problem is with the 15 year old. He got all A’s and B’s first semester and now is acting like he doesn’t give a crap. Taking away privileges such as his cell phone, video games, friends and computer doesn’t seem to matter to him. It’s like he doesn’t care. It drives me crazy because my husband (the dad) can’t seem to raise his voice to put a little scare in the kid. I think the boy needs a fire lit under his butt. Should I just ignore this or what?
Signed,
Stepping Out of My Mind
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Dear Stepping Out,
I feel for you. For all the literature out there on parenting, the step-parenting materials seem to deal mostly with Cinderella. What’s a stepmom to do?
You don’t mention where your stepsons’ mother is in all this, so I am forced to assume that she is out of the picture. But even if she isn’t, this is a conversation between you and your husband.
Tell your husband that you are concerned about CinderEl. Teenagers are weirdoes. It’s one thing for a child to let his grades drop a bit, but when a kid loses interest in vital items like electronics and friends, all sorts of alarms should be going off. Is he depressed? In crisis? You and your husband may need to speak to his teachers and guidance counselor about this.
If you receive a clean bill of mental health from all the professionals involved and all the drug tests that you’ve performed on his hair samples come back negative, it’s time for the next phase. You, your husband and CinderEl need to sit down and you have to explain to him what the expectations are. Ask him what the consequences should be. (Personally, I’ve found that teenagers are motivated by cash, and taking their allowance from them is a real teenage Come To Jesus moment.)
Good luck. Step-parenting is not for wimps.
Love,
Marinka
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Stop Making Plans, I’m Pregnant!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am six months pregnant and very hormonal. My husband’s brother called last week and said that he had set a date for his wedding. It just so happens that it is four hours away, two weeks before my due date. Now, this wouldn’t be such a big deal except my other son was born four weeks early. Oh, and he wants my husband and son to be IN the wedding. I don’t want to go and I don’t want my boys to go either. Am I just being mean or do I have a right to be angry?
Signed,
Pouty Preggo
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Dear Preggo,
Of course you have a right to be angry! Stupid brother-in-law is focused his stupid plans for his stupid wedding when you are on the verge of procreating and making sure that the human race continues to exist. Certainly puts things in perspective.
What? You really thought that I’d tell a hormonosaurus that she’s being unreasonable? My mama didn’t raise no fool, you know.
But maybe your brother-in-law’s mama did. Perhaps he thinks that your June 1st due date is etched in stone and feels free to plan around it. This is the perfect time for you to have a talk with him. Let him know that when mommy and daddy love each other very, very much, they enjoy a special hug. And then, some nine months later, a beautiful baby is born. But the nine months time is approximate because sometimes the beautiful baby is in a very big rush to meet his mommy and daddy and also favoritest uncle in the whole world. And the beautiful baby would be sad to know that he was born right during the wedding and missed all the fun. That would make the beautiful baby cry. A very loud cry that pierces the soul and sterilizes middle aged men. Certainly, your bro-in-law doesn’t want that.
Or, have your husband tell his brother that if the wedding is so close to your due date, your family can’t guarantee attendance. But promise to definitely try to make the next one!
Best,
Marinka, TMH
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Don’t Keep Up With These Joneses. She’ll Turn You Into the IRS
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My sister married a real jerk. He’s constantly one-upping everything we all do and making comments about what we are all doing wrong. Well, we found out he’s cheating the IRS and turned him in for tax fraud. Am I an awful sister??
Signed,
Family Stool Pigeon
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Dear Family Stool Pigeon,
I would tell you to sit down for my answer, but you are only going to jump up again so don’t bother.
Yes, you are an awful sister.
Really? You ratted out your brother-in-law to the IRS? And you’re calling him the jerk. Hmmm.
Did you stop to consider how he is going to one-up you on that?
He’ll probably plant a few kilos of cocaine in your car and then call the cops on you. Or worse, he’ll put a dead body in your basement and turn you in to CSI Miami. I’d be scared if I were you, very scared.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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Help! My Almost-Stepson is Not Growing Up!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am engaged to a wonderful, kind and supportive man. I love him very much and I know he loves me. (You should see the rock! I kid, I kid.) He was married before and he has three adult sons, and even though there is quite an age difference between my future husband and myself, we are okay with it.
The problem is his youngest son who is just six months older than I am. He never had a good relationship with his father before, but now that I’m in the picture, (and have been for the past four years) he is downright hostile. He will not come to our home for family get-togethers, nor will he return his father’s phone calls. The only thing that he is receptive to is taking money from us, but I’ve now put my foot down on giving him any more. After all, I worked my way through college and grad school with very little help from my parents. He is 30 years old and almost flunking out of grad school, so I think it’s time for him to be an adult.
Am I wrong? Am I being too harsh? I’m tired of being used, but my fiance had our first fight about this. Help!
Sincerely,
No More Hand-Outs
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Dear No More Hand-Outs,
I consulted with my 8-year-old son about this, and he agrees with you. He said definitely don’t give this kid any more money because you probably will need it yourself. That’s advice is worth its weight in gold.( The bill is in the mail.)
And I agree with you, too. A 30-year-old man is, indeed, an adult who, barring some limitation, should be able to pay his own way. And what would really help him reach his earning potential is if his father stopped doling out money.
I hope you know that you can’t fix the father-son relationship, so resolve right now to quit trying. (And if you haven’t even started trying, brava! Good call!) But on the issue of finances, I’m afraid that you and your fiance will have to revisit Your First Fight. Make it festive and celebratory. It’s an anniversary of sorts, after all.
Discuss with your fiance what your financial expectations are (try not to work “and of course you’ll leave me a huge inheritance” into the conversation). Will the two of you be combining your finances, keeping separate accounts or a hybrid of the two? If your fiance expects you to contribute to his son’s upkeep, voice your feelings on the subject. If he doesn’t expect you to chip in, but wants to continue to pay for his son, set a budget that passes your gag test.
And if all else fails, feel free to quote my 8-year-old to your fiance.
Be$t wi$hes,
Marinka, TMH
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Can “Mommy Dearest” Become “Granny Goodheart”? And The Survey Says…
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My mother is Joan Crawford in “Mommy Dearest,” combined with the dirtiest, most slovenly beast you can conjure up. A bit of history: I was verbally and physically abused by her growing up, and she ignored the physical and sexual abuse I suffered from my older brother. Thankfully I’m a success story and have turned out to be a well-balanced adult.
My mother is still mentally unbalanced, and I have limited contact with her. I live on the other side of the country, which helps. However, I have a son (2 years old) and she wants to visit all the time. She is nice to my son, and he adores her. But she still treats me like a sack of dog poo.
She is a rude houseguest (she flicks her boogers in my living room), insults me and does whatever she can to make me miserable. I’ve tried talking it through with her, but she ignores me. The tension is thick in the house when she is here.
I’m just waiting for her self-inflicted diabetes to do her in, and I’ll kick her into the grave myself. In the meantime, how do I balance that my son loves his crappy grandma and not go postal on her? Do I ban her from my house and move on? My son seems to be the only thing in her life that is happy. She is so miserable, so is it wrong for me to cut him out? He only has one grandma.
Sincerely yours,
I’ll Have Another Vodka Tonic, Thanks
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Dear Another Vodka Tonic,
I need to turn the table and pose a question to you. I have two sons myself. Would your mother be open to having them as adoptive grandsons? I can’t imagine anything better than having an abusive, manipulative, passive-aggressive, miserable person be their grandmother.
I’ll even help her come up with offensive insults she can say to me. Would it be asking too much for her to say them in front of my children? It would set such a great example of how to treat others. Also, one of my sons eats his boogers, and it’d be great if your mother could teach him another improper way to dispose of his boogers.
Wow, I really can’t wait to get this adoption process started!
Seriously, Vodka Tonic, need I say more? Who am I kidding? I’m a Mouthy Housewife, of course I must say more.
Yes, ban her from your house and move on. Or, if you continue to have her over to your house, I insist you feed her only Twinkies and Ding Dongs, hoping to push her insulin to a fatal level.*
No, it is not wrong to cut your son out of her life. Her happiness, or lack thereof, is not a 2-year-old’s responsibility, or even yours.
Does he deserve to have at least one grandma? Admittedly, I don’t know all of the answer’s to life’s important questions, but here’s what I do know: Children deserve to be surrounded by people who love and support them, who show them how to live with kindness, compassion, and humility.
Children, or anyone for that matter, do not deserve to be around abusive people, and clearly your mother is still abusive to you. There is no law saying that in order for you to show her kindness and compassion, you must also have her active in your home.
Sincerely,
Heather, TMH
*disclaimer: Not that TMH support homicide as a solution to abusive parents. However, a good bout with salmonella diarrhea could be in order.
