Who Needs Paris, Who Needs France, I Wear Sexy Underpants!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My daughter is in Paris for the summer. I am so happy for her and so jealous. Is this normal? I am so longing to go back in time and relive my younger years. Instead of working, doing laundry and paying the bills, I want to be eating croissants in the shadow of the Eiffle Tower. How can I snap out of this funk?
Signed,
Green with Happiness
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Dear Green with Happiness,
Your daughter is in Paris while you are stuck in the U.S. working, doing laundry, and paying bills and you ask if it’s normal to be happy and jealous at the same time. If you’re a cyborg, no, it isn’t normal at all and you should see your programmer immediately. But if you’re human, yes, it’s totally normal. For instance, I’m human and have a foodie friend, and every time she talks about the year she spent living in Paris, I’m so in awe yet at the same time I want to sucker punch her in the boob. So see? You and I are completely normal humans.
What can you do to snap out of this mid-life funk? Normally I would suggest utilizing a nice bottle of wine (French, of course), but after a child-free weekend with my husband where we, okay, I consumed a bit too much in the way of adult beverages, the mere idea makes me sick again. So we’ll have to get more creative. I say we really embrace our American heritage and forget the French! Repeat after me…
Who needs France when you can eat this fat, juicy cheeseburger in the shadow of the Statue of Liberty!
Who needs France when you can eat this doughnut in the shadow of Cinderella’s Castle!
Who needs France when we have Super Targets with an international wine aisle!
Who needs France when you can buy Le Creuset in the U.S.!
Who needs Paris, who needs France, I wear sexy underpants!
I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling very patriotic already. We should probably blow up some fireworks right about now, or do something even more American, like super size an order of french fries and then ride an elevator to the 2nd floor.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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The Spray Tanorexic
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My sister has recently started getting spray tans at a salon. She thinks she looks amazing, but everybody else thinks she looks like a 150-lb. Oompa Loompa. Should we say something or just let her be happy and orange?
Signed,
Orange You Glad You’re Orange?
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Dear Orange,
The Spray Tan. Oh, lawdy, the mothereffin’ spray tan. I have to admit that I’ve been on the receiving end of a pigment-filled hose a couple of times myself, however, once I realized I looked like Snooki’s illegitmate grandfather, I decided that cinnamon-hued skin wasn’t for me. No, I’ll just stick to my Whiter Shade of Pale, thank you very much. At least it makes it harder to find me in a snowstorm.
But let’s talk about your sister: it’s no wonder that she thinks spray tans are cool. I mean, just watch TV for a few minutes and you’ll get your fill of 6’5″ carrot men reading the news or trying to pass legislation. It’s like our entire country had sex with a race of Nacho Cheese Dorito aliens and now everybody glows in the dark and smells like rancid chow mein. A big waste of 50 bucks, if you ask me, but like I said—I’m happy in my honkyness.
Unlike your sister whose self-esteem is actually helped by turning herself another color. And to that I say “fine.” Vaya con Dios, Miss Tangerine. Get on down with your orange self. The best thing we can say is that at least she’s doing something slightly more healthy than frequenting an indoor tanning bed and baking herself to a crisp.
However, if you think there’s a chance—even a slim one—that she could find out about other people making fun of her, I think you need to intervene. You could do this very gently, like “Hey, sis, not everyone thinks you look very good with that spray tan” or you could do it very bluntly, like “Hey, sis, do you know the guys at the carwash call you ‘Carrot Top’s Crotch’?” Either one would work just fine.
But ultimately, if she’s an adult and what she’s doing isn’t hurting herself or anyone else, my advice is to just keep quiet and let spray tanning dogs lie. (But, um, not on the good couch, okay?)
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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Jamie Oliver Isn’t the Only Hot Cook
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
It’s summer and whatever energy that I had to cook in the cooler months has evaporated. How many nights a week is it acceptable to order take out?
Signed,
Lazy
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Dear Lazy,
Are you supposed to cook during the non-Summer months? That’s news to me, but then again I’m on a first name basis with every pimply faced pizza delivery guy in the Southwest region. In fact, last year I was even invited to three proms, mostly because I’m a good tipper and never complain when the pizza box smells like Mountain Dew and weed. (Plus I look fabulous in taffeta.)
But let’s talk about this “cooking” thing you speak of. I have to admit, it’s an intriguing concept.
Now, it’s completely understandable that when the temperature gets over 90, the last thing you want to do is slave over a hot stove. And for that reason, I say go ahead and order take-out at least a couple of times a week. However, in the interest of your budget, your waistline and your children becoming wards of the state because their blood-Mu Shu Pork content is .5%, it’s probably good to aim for at least three or four homecooked meals a week, too. (Did anyone get that one? Blood-alcohol = blood-MuShu pork? Or should I go lie down for a bit?)
One easy way to do avoid the stove is to find some tasty no-cook recipes like the ones here and here. Or make something well balanced and simple like whole wheat peanut butter sandwiches and fruit for dinner. Or even better, just send your significant other outside to BBQ a couple of steaks on the grill while you stay inside cutting up a watermelon and making sweet, frigid love to an industrial-sized box fan.
Ahhhh! I feel cooler already, don’t you?
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
Congrats to the winners of Amy Wilson’s Book–Selphie and Pam! Please email your address to ask@mouthyhousewives.com!
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Speech Therapy is Not for Mocking
I’ve been a fan of Melissa Chapman for approximately forever, so I was delighted when she agreed to step into The Mouthy Housewife stilettos and give guest advice. Don’t forget to check out Melissa’s parenting blog and follow her on Twitter, too! – Marinka, Mouthy Housewife (Extraordinaire)
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I need advice on handling my father around my school-age daughter. She is currently in speech therapy, yet my dad (her grandfather) mocks her speech deficiencies. He does this by talking back at her with “baby” talk. He is being a total jerk-face, though he sees no harm in what he’s doing, (he thinks he’s being funny.) I’ve told him to stop, I’ve gotten angry at him and let him know, but he hasn’t stopped. What do I do?
Signed, Mama Bear
Well, it would seem as if you’re smack in the middle of a pretty sticky situation, but nothing that a Mouthy Housewife can’t handle. Since I come from the school that says you shouldn’t let anger well up inside of you until it morphs into a something even more unpleasant, I say it’s time you sit your pops down and have a nice, respectful heart-to-heart. (Out of your daughter’s ear shot, of course.) While he may think his jokes are harmless, as a woman, you know how tender and malleable a little girl’s sense of self can be. And therefore, there is no way you can just sit back and let him continue to make jabs at her.
I know confrontation is hard, but it’s a lot cheaper than shelling out $150 an hour for your daughter’s psychoanalysis which she will most certainly need after years of bring belittled by her grandpa. Or even worse—she could embark on a life-long mission to recapture her unrequited need for approval from distinguished older gentlemen and then end up with a major daddy complex. And that’s going to be tough considering Larry King’s dance card is already full.
If after you’ve had a little tête-à-tête with your dad and broken down exactly what he shouldn’t be doing vs. what you’d like him to do it’s still a no-go, tell him that, unless he’s willing to transfer a substantial sum of money into your bank account to offset your daughter’s future therapy bills, he’s no longer welcome in your house. Hit him where it hurts and I guarantee he’ll get the message loud and clear.
Best wishes,
Melissa, Guest TMH
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The Fears of a Legal Guardian
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My stepbrother and his wife have asked my husband and me to serve as legal guardians for their two children (and another one is on the way) should they both meet an untimely demise. The question is, what is the protocol for communicating this to the other grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.? It is sure to raise some questions and hurt feelings (primarily the question of why they didn’t choose their biological siblings as guardians).
I can see why my stepbrother and sister-in-law would like to avoid the family drama, but selfishly, I’d prefer they’d clear the air on this one. I can only imagine the drama that would exist if this came forward after their tragic death. What do you think?
Signed,
Please Don’t Die and Leave Me with the Kids and the Family Drama
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Dear Please Don’t Die,
You know what I used to worry about? I used to worry that I would meet a handsome, wealthy Saudi prince at Starbucks and immediately we would fall desperately in love. He would propose, vowing to make me a princess for life, but alas, we would eventually be torn apart by our different cultures and families. And sadly, we would end up going our separate ways, denying me my rightful place as Saudi royalty.
Turns out I may have spent a little bit too much time worrying about this because the only guy I’ve ever met at Starbucks was an accountant from Jersey. So let me save you the trouble of worrying about things that, in all likelihood, will never happen. I’m pretty confident that your stepbrother and wife will be around for a good long time. If they were to bring up the guardian relationship now, it would just cause a lot of unnecessary upset. This is drama you want to avoid.
They obviously feel more comfortable with you than their biological siblings as their children’s guardians and you should be honored. Hopefully you will never have to take on this role. However, if it would make you feel better, maybe they could include a note in their will explaining their decision.
So let this go and get back to worrying about things that really matter. Like how we’re going to clean up this Gulf oil spill or how I’m going to suffer through the rest of my life without being a princess.
Good luck to you.
Signed,
Kelcey, TMH
