My mother creates her own alternate reality for everything. My BF and I have been dating for six years and plan on getting married, but she refuses to acknowledge his existence. He is not even “allowed” over at holidays. It makes me feel like I am 15…I’m 25!

She has even gone so far as making things up out of thin air, telling people he abuses me, and then I receive emails from “concerned” friends of hers. Or she will drive by my house intentionally just to call me and ask why he is there!

I am sick and tired of her antics especially because my irresponsible jerk of a brother’s girlfriend walks on water to her. How the hell do I tell her to back off and come back to the real world without causing a war!?

Signed,

I Have a Crazy Mama

______________________

Dear I Have a Crazy Mama,

I admit that when I read your first sentence — “My mother creates her own alternate reality for everything” — I was really hoping this question would involve spaceships, Narnia and a few thousand horny gnomes, but you know what? It’s perfectly fine that it doesn’t. Let’s just go ahead and talk about your mother’s alternate reality. The one that involves her major dislike of your boyfriend. The boyfriend who isn’t a horny gnome who carries a laser gun in his loincloth and drinks unicorn blood from a box. Sigh.

I knew I should have taken that job at TheMouthyDungeonsandDragonsHousewives.com.

But my personal problems aside, there must be something wrong with your boyfriend. Otherwise, why would your mom despise him so? Is he a thief? A con artist? A drinker? A drugger? A performer on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour named Skeeter Juice who tells jokes about raccoon boobies? Seriously, do you have any idea why she might not like him? Because if you don’t, it might be a good idea to sit her down and ask. Perhaps he slighted her years ago and a simple apology is all it’ll take to clear things up.

However, if she actually is completely batshit crazy and has no real reason for disliking him and spreading false rumors, then it’s time for a Come to Jesus talk. Let her know that he’s the most important person in your life and you plan on marrying him whether she approves of it or not. And if she wants you in her life, she’s just going to have to suck it up and deal. I know you don’t want to start a war, but you might have to start a little skirmish just to clear the air. Because right now nothing’s changing in either direction.

Family drama is never fun and I wish you the best of luck with this situation. Hopefully you’ll all come to some kind of resolution and can all peacefully co-exist.

Just like the horny gnomes and unicorns do.

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

I am currently almost 4 months pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant I was taking an antidepressant. I immediately got off of it. My problem is that I am now suffering from severe depression and having panic attacks almost every day.

I went to see a new OB/GYN at the suggestion of a friend (my old OB wasn’t well versed in medications). This doctor believes that it would be better for me to be on the antidepressant than to suffer like this through the rest of my pregnancy. She has even suggested that I see a psychiatrist.

My problem is that I’m really conflicted and scared. I don’t want to hurt my baby. My family thinks that if I take anything it will detrimental to my child’s health. I really want to do what is right for my baby but I don’t think that my current mental and emotional state is helping either. What should I do?

Please help!

Anxious About Antidepressants

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Dear AAA,

People are really great because just as we all bleed red (except Tom Cruise, I think his insides are made of green slime) we also all have opinions. And we love to share them!

I’m not sure if any of your family members are medical professionals so I can’t speak to their qualifications but even so, it’s possible that their closeness to the situation is interfering with their judgment. And family pressure can be especially difficult to handle.

It’s best to begin to draw your boundaries now because this is just the tip of the iceberg. Wait until you have chosen a name for the child, at least 75% of your family will know a dog, drug addict, or vagabond with that name. And when you want to sleep train or not sleep train your child you will get no fewer than 20 suggestions as to what you should really do, these may or may not include the following:

-give the baby a drop of whiskey

-wear ear plugs

-sleep with your child until they are 12

-bundle the baby in no less than 5 layers, including hat and mittens

-walk around the crib 2 times clockwise

-call Tom Cruise and ask his advice

The good news is, it sounds like your new OB/GYN is being extremely careful. The fact that she even wants you to go and see a psychiatrist for a another opinion regarding your mental health tells me that she is really looking out for both your welfare and that of your unborn child.

I have to note here, however, that I am biased. I struggled with depression and anxiety throughout my pregnancy and was prescribed an antidepressant by my doctor, who specializes in pregnancy and women’s mental health. She doesn’t recommend a lot of medication and she was extremely cautious about what I took, making sure I was at the lowest dosage necessary. My son was born happy, healthy and a week late. I’m only telling you this so that you know you are NOT alone, I am not trying to persuade you one way or the other.

Everything we put in our bodies comes with a certain amount of risk and this goes triple for medication. The important thing to focus on here is the question of whether the benefits outweigh that risk. This decision should be made between you, your partner, and your doctor and no one else.  I could go into numerous studies done on women with depression who didn’t take anything while pregnant and studies done on those who did, but I believe that this is the domain for your OB/GYN and your psychiatrist. They will help you to choose the right route for you and your baby.

The best of luck!

Tonya, TMH

I received a disturbing text message from my sister-in-law, my husband’s younger half-sister. It read: “You’re with a child molester. Your husband would molest me and my twin sister when we were little. I will take a lie detector test and pass with flying colors.”

I was so shocked and sickened after I read the message. I called my husband and he told me his sister was lying because, according to her twin, she was mad at him and also suffering from an ear infection and on antibiotics! WHAT??

My question to you is, should I confront my crazy sister-in-law or just leave this situation alone? I hate confrontation but I don’t want her harassing us anymore.

Signed,

Sad and Sickened

——————————————–

Dear Sad and Sickened,

Let me get this straight: your sister-in-law is accusing her brother of childhood molestation because she is mad at him and, also, because she has an ear infection? What would happen if she came down with pneumonia? Or the Avian Flu? Would she level charges of treason against everyone in her town? Blame her twin for the current economic crisis?

It seems possible that your sister-in-law is certainly suffering from something but it, most likely, has very little to do with her current ear infection.  Whether it is a serious psychological disorder or the effects of childhood trauma is difficult to determine and should be left to a professional.

Whatever her real issue, it’s important for you to communicate your limits to her. The in-law relationship can be fragile and difficult so it’s important to proceed with caution. Especially in this case. You need to state clearly and directly that if she is angry with your husband she needs to talk about it with him NOT you. I would suggest staying away from judging her emotional state and simply focus on the interaction between the two of you and setting strict boundaries.

At the end of the day, however, this is an extremely disturbing accusation. You owe it to yourself to make sure that there isn’t any validity to her indictment. It seems to me that although you wrote to us regarding your sister-in-law, you might be more concerned about her accusations than you are letting on. Sit down with your spouse and have an honest and frank discussion preferably in a safe environment with the presence of a therapist or mediator. Put any and all of your questions to rest.

Good Luck,

Tonya, TMH

My husband works from home; his desk is in the family room. Normally this arrangement works well, but it’s school vacation right now. Yesterday I took my daughter out all day so he could have the house to himself and work in peace. But when we got home he proudly showed off his new home office: my studio!

He simply packed all my art and writing projects into cardboard boxes and shoved them in the closet, then he set his computer on my desk and considered it his. I feel violated and angry and I’m having a tough time even being in the same room with him right now. What should I do?

Signed,

It’s My Studio
________________________________________________

Dear Studio Keeper,

When you returned home, did you happen to notice if your husband had any large bumps on his head? A gash across the brow, perhaps? Anything at all to indicate that he may have hit his head and was now out of his mind?

Because absent some kind of a head trauma, I see absolutely no reason for him to think that this kind of occupation of your studio without any discussion or court order is acceptable. I really hope that he didn’t urinate on the walls of the studio to mark his territory, too.

Not only did he violate your space, but he dismissed your work in the process. And as we learned from Dirty Dancing, no one puts Baby in the corner. (You’re “Baby.” And “the corner” is “not the studio.” Sorry, I’m still in Analogy Training.)

I am going to assume that the fact that you’re angry and avoiding him is going totally over his head. I, myself, am married to one of his brethren and have taken to sending emails to my husband to let him know when I’m giving him the Silent Treatment. (He usually replies “okay.”)

You are going to have to talk to your husband. In preparation, do the type of deep breathing exercises that will deprive the rest of the world of oxygen and then let him know that you are upset. Let him know that you considered the studio yours, it has been for a while and if he wants to make a temporary change, you’d appreciate being consulted in advance.

It’s possible that he has been unhappy with the location of his home office for a while and that being in the middle of the family room hasn’t been working for him. Quite honestly, I would not be able to work like that. If he wants to make a change, discuss a time-share of the studio, but make it clear that you do not appreciate being displaced and having your work moved to the side.

Hopefully you and your husband can work this out– perhaps you can time share, with him spending more time in the studio during school vacations or the two of you putting up a wall in the family room to give him more privacy for his work. The important thing is that he acknowledge the importance of your space. And get his stuff the hell out of it.

Best wishes,

Marinka, TMH

Here are a few things we will be tucking away in our suitcase:

1. Valium – in case the booze is running low or the spouse needs a ‘time out.’

2. Elephant tranquilizer darts and spit gun – for when things get heated but you don’t want to get up because you finally grabbed the chair next to the plate of cookies.

3. Excedrine – for the migraines that come with sitting through another five hours of Aunt Sally describing her bowel surgery…again.

4. Ear plugs – for the plane ride and also to drown out annoying children, who may or may not be yours. Probably yours.

5. Zombie survival guide – because a zombie apocalypse is eerily close to what happens when the in-laws and extended families come together.

6. War and Peace (or any hefty masterpiece) – so that you can call out “I’ll be right there, almost done!” often.

7. Smelling salts – in case of a fainting spells brought on by too much togetherness, um, happiness.

8. Voodoo doll kit – no reason.

9. A shearling coat with a fleece lining to wear indoors because your mother-in-law moved to Florida to be warm but keeps the thermostat at a very refreshing 50 degrees.

10. Your gymnastics trophy from 5th grade so when your siblings start talking about their PhD’s, you have something to brag about too.

11. Your Justin Bieber musical toothbrush because it just isn’t the holidays until you’ve had a Bieber dance off in the bathroom with your Uncle Herbert.

12. Pencil and paper, a calculator and an abacus – because although family-time, holiday travel and preparations can be trying and exhausting, we know how lucky we are and we never stop counting our blessings.

13. And, of course, the gifts! If you’re like us and waited until the last minute, it’s going to be ok, we can give you some help on that too!

Happy Holidays from The Mouthy Housewives!

My mom has no family other than me, which my in-laws are aware of, yet for the past few years they’ve hosted Christmas at their house and haven’t invited her. They live out of state, so my husband and I end up fighting over where I’m “supposed” to go, and I inevitably end up staying with my mom while he travels alone to see his family.

I don’t see why my mom should have to sit home alone on Christmas when she could easily be invited. Her apartment is too small to host a holiday herself, but my husband and I have hosted many holidays at our house and his parents, siblings and the siblings’ girlfriends and boyfriends are always invited. I wouldn’t ever exclude one or both of his parents.

My in-laws also think nothing of discussing Christmas plans in front of my mom when they visit for other holidays, even though she’s the only person in the room who’s not invited, which she finds very hurtful. When I’ve brought up the issue to them in the past, they claimed that they just “didn’t think of her” and she would be invited next time, but she never has been.

They’ve known my mom for years and seem to get along well with her, so I don’t know why she’s not welcome at their house. My husband has said he’s afraid of confronting his parents, so he won’t back me up if I raise the issue again. What should I do?

Signed,

My Mom’s Home Alone

_______________________

Dear My Mom’s Home Alone,

I usually try to understand both sides of an issue before I give my brilliant Mouthy Housewives advice, however this time I’m not doing that. Because I absolutely-100%-without- even-a-hint-of-a-doubt think this: your in-laws are being jerks.

Unless your mom is an obnoxious drunk or a racist or a loudmouth about her political/religious/Kardashian views, I don’t see any reason why they wouldn’t include her when they know it means so much to their daughter-in-law. My parents happily invited my husband’s mom and dad to our family gatherings from the moment we were engaged and even celebrated birthdays with them when we weren’t there. And more recently, my dad has graciously invited elderly military widows to our Christmas dinners so they don’t have to spend the day alone. (Which is a wonderful thing until that scrappy Edith tries to steal the last drumstick.)

As to why your in-laws being so stingy in this time of giving? Well, they could be one of those families that tend to be rather clannish and don’t like outsiders. (“It’s just The Andersons!”) Or they don’t like your mother for some reason they won’t disclose. Or maybe, and most probably, they’re just completely thoughtless. But the reason doesn’t really matter when it’s causing you and your mom so much hurt.

My advice is to tell your husband again that this is a huge problem for you. They’re his parents, and you’ve already let them know how you feel, so he’s got to man up and talk to them. If he does, great. If not, tell him that you’ll be spending the holiday with your mother and not him. It’s an unfortunate situation, but nobody should be alone on the holidays and you’re a good daughter for knowing that.

I wish you the best of luck with the situation and welcome any of our readers to weigh in with their advice. As Washington Irving said, “Christmas! ‘Tis the season for kindling the fire for hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.” Hopefully your in-laws will pull their heads out and realize the wisdom of that sentiment some day soon.

Best,

Wendi, TMH

I’m a photographer who absolutely adores her job. Nothing is more awesome than capturing memories with my family and friends. However, this career choice has come at a price.

I now find myself constantly on everyone’s guest list, even for my ‘not so close’ friends. But I think my popularity is only based on my camera. I’m not sure I’d be invited if I wasn’t going to capture all of their precious memories for them, for FREE.

I now wrestle with myself over attending these events. Often times, after I get over myself and just go I feel good about it. I get the photos and really enjoy having them UNTIL the inviter (I may have just made that word up) starts hassling and bugging me nonstop to have copies or a disk prepared for them immediately. I don’t feel like it’s right to charge my friends and family for me to be at their celebrations, but how do I tell them nicely that I’m not here for them to use and abuse?

Sincerely,

I’m Gonna Beat Someone With My Nikon
____________________________________________

Dear I’m Gonna Beat Someone With My Nikon,

Where did you say you lived? Near Brooklyn? Maybe you have next weekend free and would love to picnic in the park with me and my cuter-than-the-cutest-Gerber-baby son who is in dire need of a modeling contract? Also, can you pick up some sandwiches, a couple bottles of wine, and some cookies for the lunch? I’ll bring the blanket and the photogenic kid.

But after that, I would suggest that every once in a while you show up to a shindig without your trusty film-dependent sidekick. Keep everyone on their toes. They will learn pretty quickly not to rely on you to always have your camera and be their unpaid professional photographer. Unfortunately, I think this will be easier said than done.

It seems to me that part of the problem here is your lack of confidence in your own self-worth. While you may enjoy all the photos you take at these events, you may actually be way more scared that people only like you because of your camera. You are worried that if it’s not with you, they will stop inviting you. And for some of these folks, that could indeed be the case. But honestly, do you really want ‘friends’ who only like you because they can get your services for free?

You are lucky to be able to make a living doing something you love and enjoy; not a lot of people can say that. But part of being successful is knowing when to say ‘NO’. And you’ve got to do that, especially for those ‘not so close’ friends. As for your other friends and family, it’s a fine line you’re walking. It makes sense that you don’t want to charge them for your services, however, how will you continue to make a living? Perhaps you can take some pictures for free, but if they want the whole set they will need to pay something. Or maybe you can offer all of the photos at a reduced rate? No matter what you do, don’t undersell yourself. Take pride in your work, and more importantly, who you are as a person!

Good Luck,

Tonya, TMH

P.S. I’ll need 60 8x10s and about 200 wallet-sized photos. Thanks.

I just noticed my female cousin and my ex-husband are now “friends” on Facebook. My ex was verbally/physically/mentally abuse to me as well as verbally/mentally abusive also to my cousin. Do you feel this is appropriate for the two of them to now be friends on Facebook?

Signed,

Dislike!

_______________________________________________________

Dear Dislike,

Do you remember a time before Facebook? Where family drama was communicated through phone lines and in whispered hushes at family gatherings? When you had to work a bit harder to be passive aggressive about your feelings for your siblings choice of spouse? When the Internet was a place for the young and hip and not the aging and hip-replaced?

Yeah, me neither.

The fact of the matter is that I find many things about Facebook to be highly inappropriate. They include but are not limited to the following:

1. Telling me what you’re doing today, whether it’s going to the post office or making pasta for dinner. Yes, life is boring, and we’re all gonna die. We don’t need the reminder.

2. ANYTHING THAT MUST BE ACCENTUATED WITH ALL CAPS. Especially if you’re referencing the murder of your husband.

3. Posting pictures of your cleavage. Or moobs. Let’s at least pretend we’re not whores.

4. Updates that fish for compliments, flattery, sympathy, or advice on how to unclog a toilet. Your insecurities and digestive issues make everyone feel uncomfortable.

5. Images of my underage nieces and nephews chugging vodka and/or straddling members of the opposite sex. Mostly because it’s too much too fast, but also because it makes me feel old and prudish.

6. Public feuds. Please have the courtesy to NOT delete your humiliating arguments with your sister in-law. What’s embarrassing for you is a much-needed mood-lifting perspective for the rest of us.

Really, I could go on, but I worry that I’ll implicate myself at some point. So, back to you. Your situation is, hands down, also inappropriate. You should feel supported by your family, especially if you had the strength and courage to get yourself out of an abusive marriage. I can’t pretend to know why your cousin would make that connection, but I think you should certainly confront her. You don’t need to start a fight (though, if you do, please don’t delete it), but be honest about how this betrayal has made you feel.

In the end, what your cousin has done isn’t a Facebook issue, but a sensitivity issue. We’ve already written off the character of your ex, but your family should know better. (Then again, if your cousin also starts posting images of her cleavage, just cut the strings and call it a day.)

Good luck!

Kristine, TMH

My sister-in-law has made some really terrible choices in her life, including loving a man who is not very nice. He has served time in jail for fighting, drinks a lot, and has trouble keeping a job. I don’t know for certain, but I’d bet a paycheck that he abuses my SIL. I do know for certain he spends a lot of time sitting on his behind while she works long hard hours to cover the bills. They have a long, ugly history together. He’s a total loser, and none of us can understand why she stays with him.

With the holidays coming up, I’m wondering the best way to handle being around him. I don’t know that I can make nicey-nicey for four days, knowing that he’s going to turn around and hurt her yet again. She has said in the past that she knows he’s bad for her, but she doesn’t want to listen to anything negative about him. Can you give me some coping strategies? We only see my husband’s family three times a year, so not going home for the holidays isn’t an option. Please help!

Signed,

Put up & Shut Up

_________________________

Dear Put Up & Shut Up,

There’s nothing like the holidays to bring the family together for good food, fine wine, laughing children, and hushed whispers about that one relative who just got out of rehab. Fa-la-la-la-la!

It sounds like your sister-in-law has landed herself a real winner!  If you genuinely suspect abuse, I think you need to talk things over with your husband. Since this is your sister-in-law we’re talking about, I’d follow his lead. How does he feel about the situation? Has he even gotten involved? What about the host of the gathering? If the guy is still being invited by family, then perhaps it needs to be taken a bit more seriously. That said, once you’ve exhausted legitimate attempts to ensure her well-being and safety, it’s time to wash your hands of it. No one has the power to fix her situation quite like she does.

As for coping with this elephant in the room, I offer the following suggestions:

1. Repeatedly and continually send him off to the store to pick up an obscure, forgotten ingredient. Send him with $10 less than he’ll need.

2. Start a new holiday tradition, where everyone at the table talks about something they are grateful for. Make sure each person finishes with “…and I’m glad that I’m not dating THAT GUY” and gives the dude a roll of the eyes. If he gets defensive, laugh it off with a “oh, we’re just joking around!” Everyone loves that game!

3. Take the kids and play outside! If your family seems confused as to why you’re playing football with toddlers in 30 degree weather, remind them all that they’re indoors with a cold-hearted snake! Burn!

4. Earplugs!

5. Sleeping pills! (In his drink!)

Hopefully your sister-in-law gets herself out of this crummy situation, and hopefully you can enjoy your time with family. At the very least, take comfort in knowing that I’m soon headed back to New York to hang out with my bourbon-guzzling grandmother and HOO BOY has that woman got a mouth on her.

Happy Holidays!

Kristine, TMH

What do you do when your mom is so mad at you that she wants you out of the house?

Signed,

Asking for a Friend

__________________________________

Dear Asking for a Friend,

Your question doesn’t tell us much about your situation. But the fact that you’re reaching out for help seems to be a good sign, I’d say, and suggests you’re up to the task of trying to patch up this disconnect with your mom. So, good for you!

::flashes cool, hip, trendy, teenager hand gesture::

Because I don’t know the particulars, I figured we could work ourselves through some typical teenager/parent discord scenarios. Let’s say you’re a teenaged girl who has just lied to her mother and spent the night out partying with friends, making poor decisions about your health, and engaging in morally questionable activities with boys. For, like, the third time. (Just off the top of my head. Ahem.)

Or let’s say you’re a teenaged boy that’s gotten caught up with the wrong crowd, strung a web of lies that all started when you played hookie one day from school, rigged your bed to make it look like you were home sleeping, stole a friend’s father’s car, crashed a ritzy NYC restaurant, attended a major league baseball game, nearly got foiled by your sister named Jennifer Grey, and drove your school principal into early retirement.

Or maybe you’ve just moved to a small, country town, where rock-n-roll dancing has been outlawed, and you start a dancing revolution that gets you arrested and gives the whole town something to talk about and puts the name Kevin Bacon on the map, and then they go and remake it AND EVERYTHING IS RUINED BY YOU YOUNGSTERS AND IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE?!

…

Excuse me. Where was I? Oh, right…

For any one of these situations, your mother is going to be feeling betrayed, powerless, and completely sick with worry about whether you’ll make it to age 20. Fortunately, they all call for the same solution in working to correct the situation: you talk. You talk to your mother and understand each other. You listen to her concerns. You tell her about your feelings. And you reach an agreement about how you move forward, and YOU STICK TO IT. Your mom wants to be able to trust you, and the only way to regain that is to put your words to action, and start stepping up a bit. It may seem nearly impossible, but I’m pretty sure it’ll be the best decision you’ve ever made. Or, you know, your friend.

::flashes cool, hip, trendy, teenager hand gesture::

Go get ‘em, tiger!

Kristine, TMH