Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town (But Your Mom Needs To Stay Home)
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My mom has no family other than me, which my in-laws are aware of, yet for the past few years they’ve hosted Christmas at their house and haven’t invited her. They live out of state, so my husband and I end up fighting over where I’m “supposed” to go, and I inevitably end up staying with my mom while he travels alone to see his family.
I don’t see why my mom should have to sit home alone on Christmas when she could easily be invited. Her apartment is too small to host a holiday herself, but my husband and I have hosted many holidays at our house and his parents, siblings and the siblings’ girlfriends and boyfriends are always invited. I wouldn’t ever exclude one or both of his parents.
My in-laws also think nothing of discussing Christmas plans in front of my mom when they visit for other holidays, even though she’s the only person in the room who’s not invited, which she finds very hurtful. When I’ve brought up the issue to them in the past, they claimed that they just “didn’t think of her” and she would be invited next time, but she never has been.
They’ve known my mom for years and seem to get along well with her, so I don’t know why she’s not welcome at their house. My husband has said he’s afraid of confronting his parents, so he won’t back me up if I raise the issue again. What should I do?
Signed,
My Mom’s Home Alone
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Dear My Mom’s Home Alone,
I usually try to understand both sides of an issue before I give my brilliant Mouthy Housewives advice, however this time I’m not doing that. Because I absolutely-100%-without- even-a-hint-of-a-doubt think this: your in-laws are being jerks.
Unless your mom is an obnoxious drunk or a racist or a loudmouth about her political/religious/Kardashian views, I don’t see any reason why they wouldn’t include her when they know it means so much to their daughter-in-law. My parents happily invited my husband’s mom and dad to our family gatherings from the moment we were engaged and even celebrated birthdays with them when we weren’t there. And more recently, my dad has graciously invited elderly military widows to our Christmas dinners so they don’t have to spend the day alone. (Which is a wonderful thing until that scrappy Edith tries to steal the last drumstick.)
As to why your in-laws being so stingy in this time of giving? Well, they could be one of those families that tend to be rather clannish and don’t like outsiders. (“It’s just The Andersons!”) Or they don’t like your mother for some reason they won’t disclose. Or maybe, and most probably, they’re just completely thoughtless. But the reason doesn’t really matter when it’s causing you and your mom so much hurt.
My advice is to tell your husband again that this is a huge problem for you. They’re his parents, and you’ve already let them know how you feel, so he’s got to man up and talk to them. If he does, great. If not, tell him that you’ll be spending the holiday with your mother and not him. It’s an unfortunate situation, but nobody should be alone on the holidays and you’re a good daughter for knowing that.
I wish you the best of luck with the situation and welcome any of our readers to weigh in with their advice. As Washington Irving said, “Christmas! ‘Tis the season for kindling the fire for hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.” Hopefully your in-laws will pull their heads out and realize the wisdom of that sentiment some day soon.
Best,
Wendi, TMH
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Smile And Say Cheese! Now, Pay Up!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m a photographer who absolutely adores her job. Nothing is more awesome than capturing memories with my family and friends. However, this career choice has come at a price.
I now find myself constantly on everyone’s guest list, even for my ‘not so close’ friends. But I think my popularity is only based on my camera. I’m not sure I’d be invited if I wasn’t going to capture all of their precious memories for them, for FREE.
I now wrestle with myself over attending these events. Often times, after I get over myself and just go I feel good about it. I get the photos and really enjoy having them UNTIL the inviter (I may have just made that word up) starts hassling and bugging me nonstop to have copies or a disk prepared for them immediately. I don’t feel like it’s right to charge my friends and family for me to be at their celebrations, but how do I tell them nicely that I’m not here for them to use and abuse?
Sincerely,
I’m Gonna Beat Someone With My Nikon
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Dear I’m Gonna Beat Someone With My Nikon,
Where did you say you lived? Near Brooklyn? Maybe you have next weekend free and would love to picnic in the park with me and my cuter-than-the-cutest-Gerber-baby son who is in dire need of a modeling contract? Also, can you pick up some sandwiches, a couple bottles of wine, and some cookies for the lunch? I’ll bring the blanket and the photogenic kid.
But after that, I would suggest that every once in a while you show up to a shindig without your trusty film-dependent sidekick. Keep everyone on their toes. They will learn pretty quickly not to rely on you to always have your camera and be their unpaid professional photographer. Unfortunately, I think this will be easier said than done.
It seems to me that part of the problem here is your lack of confidence in your own self-worth. While you may enjoy all the photos you take at these events, you may actually be way more scared that people only like you because of your camera. You are worried that if it’s not with you, they will stop inviting you. And for some of these folks, that could indeed be the case. But honestly, do you really want ‘friends’ who only like you because they can get your services for free?
You are lucky to be able to make a living doing something you love and enjoy; not a lot of people can say that. But part of being successful is knowing when to say ‘NO’. And you’ve got to do that, especially for those ‘not so close’ friends. As for your other friends and family, it’s a fine line you’re walking. It makes sense that you don’t want to charge them for your services, however, how will you continue to make a living? Perhaps you can take some pictures for free, but if they want the whole set they will need to pay something. Or maybe you can offer all of the photos at a reduced rate? No matter what you do, don’t undersell yourself. Take pride in your work, and more importantly, who you are as a person!
Good Luck,
Tonya, TMH
P.S. I’ll need 60 8x10s and about 200 wallet-sized photos. Thanks.
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Facebook Makes Strange Bedfellows
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I just noticed my female cousin and my ex-husband are now “friends” on Facebook. My ex was verbally/physically/mentally abuse to me as well as verbally/mentally abusive also to my cousin. Do you feel this is appropriate for the two of them to now be friends on Facebook?
Signed,
Dislike!
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Dear Dislike,
Do you remember a time before Facebook? Where family drama was communicated through phone lines and in whispered hushes at family gatherings? When you had to work a bit harder to be passive aggressive about your feelings for your siblings choice of spouse? When the Internet was a place for the young and hip and not the aging and hip-replaced?
Yeah, me neither.
The fact of the matter is that I find many things about Facebook to be highly inappropriate. They include but are not limited to the following:
1. Telling me what you’re doing today, whether it’s going to the post office or making pasta for dinner. Yes, life is boring, and we’re all gonna die. We don’t need the reminder.
2. ANYTHING THAT MUST BE ACCENTUATED WITH ALL CAPS. Especially if you’re referencing the murder of your husband.
3. Posting pictures of your cleavage. Or moobs. Let’s at least pretend we’re not whores.
4. Updates that fish for compliments, flattery, sympathy, or advice on how to unclog a toilet. Your insecurities and digestive issues make everyone feel uncomfortable.
5. Images of my underage nieces and nephews chugging vodka and/or straddling members of the opposite sex. Mostly because it’s too much too fast, but also because it makes me feel old and prudish.
6. Public feuds. Please have the courtesy to NOT delete your humiliating arguments with your sister in-law. What’s embarrassing for you is a much-needed mood-lifting perspective for the rest of us.
Really, I could go on, but I worry that I’ll implicate myself at some point. So, back to you. Your situation is, hands down, also inappropriate. You should feel supported by your family, especially if you had the strength and courage to get yourself out of an abusive marriage. I can’t pretend to know why your cousin would make that connection, but I think you should certainly confront her. You don’t need to start a fight (though, if you do, please don’t delete it), but be honest about how this betrayal has made you feel.
In the end, what your cousin has done isn’t a Facebook issue, but a sensitivity issue. We’ve already written off the character of your ex, but your family should know better. (Then again, if your cousin also starts posting images of her cleavage, just cut the strings and call it a day.)
Good luck!
Kristine, TMH
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‘Tis the Season to Avoid Family!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My sister-in-law has made some really terrible choices in her life, including loving a man who is not very nice. He has served time in jail for fighting, drinks a lot, and has trouble keeping a job. I don’t know for certain, but I’d bet a paycheck that he abuses my SIL. I do know for certain he spends a lot of time sitting on his behind while she works long hard hours to cover the bills. They have a long, ugly history together. He’s a total loser, and none of us can understand why she stays with him.
With the holidays coming up, I’m wondering the best way to handle being around him. I don’t know that I can make nicey-nicey for four days, knowing that he’s going to turn around and hurt her yet again. She has said in the past that she knows he’s bad for her, but she doesn’t want to listen to anything negative about him. Can you give me some coping strategies? We only see my husband’s family three times a year, so not going home for the holidays isn’t an option. Please help!
Signed,
Put up & Shut Up
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Dear Put Up & Shut Up,
There’s nothing like the holidays to bring the family together for good food, fine wine, laughing children, and hushed whispers about that one relative who just got out of rehab. Fa-la-la-la-la!
It sounds like your sister-in-law has landed herself a real winner! If you genuinely suspect abuse, I think you need to talk things over with your husband. Since this is your sister-in-law we’re talking about, I’d follow his lead. How does he feel about the situation? Has he even gotten involved? What about the host of the gathering? If the guy is still being invited by family, then perhaps it needs to be taken a bit more seriously. That said, once you’ve exhausted legitimate attempts to ensure her well-being and safety, it’s time to wash your hands of it. No one has the power to fix her situation quite like she does.
As for coping with this elephant in the room, I offer the following suggestions:
1. Repeatedly and continually send him off to the store to pick up an obscure, forgotten ingredient. Send him with $10 less than he’ll need.
2. Start a new holiday tradition, where everyone at the table talks about something they are grateful for. Make sure each person finishes with “…and I’m glad that I’m not dating THAT GUY” and gives the dude a roll of the eyes. If he gets defensive, laugh it off with a “oh, we’re just joking around!” Everyone loves that game!
3. Take the kids and play outside! If your family seems confused as to why you’re playing football with toddlers in 30 degree weather, remind them all that they’re indoors with a cold-hearted snake! Burn!
4. Earplugs!
5. Sleeping pills! (In his drink!)
Hopefully your sister-in-law gets herself out of this crummy situation, and hopefully you can enjoy your time with family. At the very least, take comfort in knowing that I’m soon headed back to New York to hang out with my bourbon-guzzling grandmother and HOO BOY has that woman got a mouth on her.
Happy Holidays!
Kristine, TMH
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My Mom Has Hit the Roof!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
What do you do when your mom is so mad at you that she wants you out of the house?
Signed,
Asking for a Friend
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Dear Asking for a Friend,
Your question doesn’t tell us much about your situation. But the fact that you’re reaching out for help seems to be a good sign, I’d say, and suggests you’re up to the task of trying to patch up this disconnect with your mom. So, good for you!
::flashes cool, hip, trendy, teenager hand gesture::
Because I don’t know the particulars, I figured we could work ourselves through some typical teenager/parent discord scenarios. Let’s say you’re a teenaged girl who has just lied to her mother and spent the night out partying with friends, making poor decisions about your health, and engaging in morally questionable activities with boys. For, like, the third time. (Just off the top of my head. Ahem.)
Or let’s say you’re a teenaged boy that’s gotten caught up with the wrong crowd, strung a web of lies that all started when you played hookie one day from school, rigged your bed to make it look like you were home sleeping, stole a friend’s father’s car, crashed a ritzy NYC restaurant, attended a major league baseball game, nearly got foiled by your sister named Jennifer Grey, and drove your school principal into early retirement.
Or maybe you’ve just moved to a small, country town, where rock-n-roll dancing has been outlawed, and you start a dancing revolution that gets you arrested and gives the whole town something to talk about and puts the name Kevin Bacon on the map, and then they go and remake it AND EVERYTHING IS RUINED BY YOU YOUNGSTERS AND IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE?!
…
Excuse me. Where was I? Oh, right…
For any one of these situations, your mother is going to be feeling betrayed, powerless, and completely sick with worry about whether you’ll make it to age 20. Fortunately, they all call for the same solution in working to correct the situation: you talk. You talk to your mother and understand each other. You listen to her concerns. You tell her about your feelings. And you reach an agreement about how you move forward, and YOU STICK TO IT. Your mom wants to be able to trust you, and the only way to regain that is to put your words to action, and start stepping up a bit. It may seem nearly impossible, but I’m pretty sure it’ll be the best decision you’ve ever made. Or, you know, your friend.
::flashes cool, hip, trendy, teenager hand gesture::
Go get ‘em, tiger!
Kristine, TMH
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