My Husband’s Holy Mess
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband leaves piles of junk all over the house. It drives me crazy. I can’t just throw it all out because there are important receipts, business cards and bills mixed in with the movie stubs. But I’m sick of cleaning up after him. Any ideas?
Signed,
OMFG
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Dear OMFG,
Oh dear LORD, can I relate, woman. My husband is what I affectionately refer to as three-garage-sales-away-from-an-episode-of-Hoarders. He likes to save. EVERYTHING. And since I happen to be on the opposite end of the spectrum–in that I hate clutter and don’t understand why ALL dishes aren’t, in fact, disposable–it occasionally creates some conflict within our marriage.
Since I lack any sort of organizational skills, I can only tell you my personal coping strategies and hope that they guide you well. (Enough.)
1. Hide that shit in a drawer.
If I’m too exhausted or annoyed to weed through his piles, but also too irritated to look at the clutter for ONE MORE SECOND, I’ll just shove his junk out of view in a closet or something. This can be mildly rewarding, because it allows you the chance to pretend that this whole issue isn’t really happening! The downside, of course, is that he’ll start to accuse you when his papers go missing and he finds his gym shorts in the attic.
2. Retaliate.
What’s a pet peeve of his that you can exploit in an effort to more passive-aggressively communicate your issue? Does he hate it when you leave wet towels on the bathroom floor? Have sex with other men? Call him “Schmoopy” in front of his friends? Perhaps if your own personal happiness isn’t motivation for him to get himself in gear, his own humiliation and shame will work.
3. Help him out. However begrudgingly.
Your husband is likely leaving these piles around because he’s either too overwhelmed by the task of organizing everything or simply unequipped with the tools to accomplish the goal. (Of course, he could also just be frickin’ lazy, but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. As I do my husband. Ahem.) Get some file cabinets, folders, office organizing trays, and see if you can’t work together over the weekend to at least get his mess confined to one area of the house.
As fed up as you may be, try to remember that we all have our faults, and that some of those are simply more visible than others. And maybe for your next marriage, try to find yourself a nail-biter instead.
Good luck!
Kristine, TMH
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Christmas Stress. Yes, Already!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I just got an email from my sister-in-law saying that because they’ve had a baby and gone from two incomes to one this year, they are scaling back on Christmas spending. They will be giving inexpensive and/or homemade gifts and have asked the family to reciprocate in kind. I’m on board and in search of creative and inexpensive gift ideas or homemade gifts that fit the bill. Any ideas?
Also, how do we handle gift exchanges with other branches of the family who are not setting the same limits? Do we keep giving to them at the “higher dollar amount” of years past or scale back everything for all? I’d love to hear what has worked well for other families.
Signed, The “Rich” and Childless Aunt
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Dear Miss Richy Rich Aunt,
Jeesh! I’ve barely put away my Columbus Day decorations and you’re already bringing up Christmas? Man, can’t a girl get a breather around here?! Ok, fine. I didn’t put up any decorations for Columbus Day but I did spend the holiday referring to my children as Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria. We all honor history in our own way.
I totally understand your sister-in-law’s desire to scale back Christmas gifts and I’m glad you’ve jumped on board. But I will say, I’m not a huge fan of homemade gifts unless….
1. You’re seven. And you’re my kid.
2. Or you are uber-talented and can create something totally cute and amazing.
3. Or it’s something you can eat like a double fudge marshmallow cake ball.
4. Or it’s a Starbucks gift card.
And yes, I did used to make my own Starbucks gift cards. They were quite popular until some nosy local police got involved and started using words like “fraud” and “counterfeit.” I hate when my creativity gets stifled.
As far an inexpensive gift, I love Christmas ornaments. They don’t have to cost a lot of money and there are so many creative ones. Yes, of course there are Charlie Sheen ornaments out there!
Another option is to do a gift exchange with your family. You each choose a name from a hat and you only buy for that person – so you can buy a higher priced gift. That way everybody doesn’t end up with a Marie Osmond snow globe from the dollar store.
In regards to the other family members – will you all be spending the holiday together? If yes, then I think you all should have the same gift buying guidelines. If not, then no need to set spending limits with everyone.
Good luck and remember, it’s never too early to start worrying about your holiday card too!
Merry Christmas!
Kelcey, TMH
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Wonder Twin Powers Activate!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m having a problem with my wife’s twin sister. She used to live 90 miles away but has recently moved within 20 miles of us. The problem is that she drops her three kids off at our house 5-6 days a week from 3pm-1am! This has been going on for over a year! She used to live with us, but I made her move out. I got her a car and helped put her kids into their own school system. But my wife still watches them all the time. I want to tell her that she can’t do it anymore and I feel like we are being taken advantage of. Help!
Signed,
2 Against 1
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Dear 2 Against 1,
First off, Shhhhhhhh! I’m pretty sure her twin can hear you. Don’t most twins have that superpower where they know exactly what is going on in the other twin’s life? Also, aren’t they able to change themselves into various forms of precipitation? I’m pretty sure that cartoon was based on real scientific evidence. So I would be very careful how you proceed.
An aside: Do you know how hard it is to find a picture of the cartoon characters when you put “Wonder Twin Powers” in Google? Most of the images are of breasts. Why?
Secondly, you and your wife have obviously established yourselves as the “stable, responsible” ones in the family. This is always a huge mistake. I make sure that when my husband’s or my families are around, we listen to gangsta rap as loud as possible. I also like to flash random, pretend gang signs (they are pretend because, really, who am I to do all that research and figure out some real ones?) whenever I’m speaking and I make sure to throw in phrases like: “Biiiiaaatch, please!” and “Watcha looking at mofo?” while at the dinner table. Plus, nothing says “Don’t leave your kids with me” more than giving my own 3-year-old an eyebrow piercing and his first “MOM” tattoo! Needless to say, the spouse and I have never ever been asked for any babysitting services.
But, if this tactic isn’t up your alley, perhaps it’s time you sat down with your wife and her sister and talked all of this out? The fact that you have purchased your sister-in-law a car and assisted in her kids’ school arrangements is commendable. And while I do agree that 5-6 days a week from 3pm to 1am is quite a lot of free childcare, it’s important to understand how your wife feels about all of this, first and foremost. It’s possible that she enjoys watching her sister’s children. Or, at the very least, wants to do whatever she can to help her sister and the children. I’m guessing here that the father/husband is no longer in the picture? Or is not an active participant? If this is also the case, perhaps it means even more to your wife to be a helping hand to her sister right now?
One of my best friends is a twin and I can tell you that it is a very special relationship even if superpowers aren’t involved. Aside from having the usual pressures of family obligation, you also have to take into account the uniqueness of a twin relationship. You must remember that your wife and her sister are not merely siblings (which, in itself is quite a bond) but they have shared their lives together in ways that most of us could never understand. So while I do believe you have a right to be upset by the amount of responsibility that you and your wife have inadvertently been given, it’s up to your wife to decide how she wants to handle this matter. And as her husband it’s important for you to support whatever decision she comes to even if that means that you both may have to spend some more quality time with your nieces and nephews.
Good Luck,
Tonya, TMH
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Mouthing Off: The “Is My Son Gay?” App
Ever wonder if your son is gay?
Well, instead of doing something ridiculous like talking to him, why not use a Google Android App, instead? It’s under $3 and just jam-packed full of stereotypes. And we know what an absolute time-saver stereotypes can be.
And since we’re guessing that the app will appeal mostly to the morons among us, it’s also super easy to use. Just answer 20 Yes/No questions and you’ll have your answer at the touch of a button!
Here are some of the questions about your son, and no, we are not making them up:
Does he like to dress well: is he very careful when choosing his outfits and selecting brands?
Before he was born, did you wish for a girl?
Does he read the sports page in the newspaper?
Is he a fan of divas (Madonna, Britney Spears)?
Does he like musical comedies?
Does he take a long time to do his hair?
If the app concludes that he is not gay, it congratulates the lucky parent: “You do not have to worry, your son is not gay. So there are chances for you to be grandmother with all the joys it brings.”
Seriously, what the hell? Is there some kind of correlation between sexuality and being a parent that we are not aware of?
But if your son has been singing along to Madonna, you better steel yourself: “No need to look the other way! … He is gay! … ACCEPT IT!”
We’re hoping that Google will soon market a companion “Are Your Parents Idiots?” App.
In just twenty questions, it will let the concerned teen know what the hell is wrong with his parents. Perhaps with your help, we can develop it.
What questions would the app ask?
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Punch Drunk Love
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband is an alcoholic. He’s also very jealous and possessive. He’s taken our grocery budget and spent in on booze. He’s done some faulty things with loose women. If it were up to him, I would be trapped at home 24/7, and he gets angry if I go out and have fun without him.
Recently, I went out for a girls’ night, and my husband agreed to stay home with our two year old son. After I left however, he promptly invited friends over and drank like a fish out of water. He then called me to say that he couldn’t get our son to sleep and decided to let our friend drive him around drunk!
I was beyond mortified and furious! Long story short, when I confronted our friend he told me that he wasn’t drunk, didn’t drive anywhere, and that my husband was lying about it to get me home early. He even bragged about how fast he could make me skip out on Girls’ Night.
But the twist is he’s a great father. He didn’t have a father growing up, and its very important to him to be an active part of our son’s life. They have a great relationship, and he’s my son’s best friend, hands down.
I can’t afford counseling so please don’t suggest it; I’m on food stamps as is. Can I fix our broken marriage? Should I even bother? I dream that we could be an old couple celebrating 50 years together. But now, I’m not so sure what to do. Help!
Signed,
Tired. Tried. Teary Eyed.
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Dear Tired. Tried. Teary Eyed.,
Let me get this straight:
1. Your husband is emotionally abusive and manipulative.
2. He spends his son’s food money on booze because he’s a raging alcoholic.
3. His fidelity is in question.
4. And he thinks it’s funny to JOKE about DRUNK DRIVING with a TWO YEAR OLD?
This answer is so crystal clear to me that it almost reminds me of Mediterranean waters (just with added sadness and despair):
YOU NEED TO GET OUT. Move, divorce him, whatever. But you need to get your son out of this environment posthaste.
You may think your husband is a fantastic father, but if he were, he wouldn’t have used that night alone with his little boy to party with his friends; he would’ve spent some quality time with the child. And in addition to endangering the welfare of your son by getting drunk while watching him (omfg), he’s also a terrible role model for the boy. I’ve heard it put this way: would you want your son growing up to be your husband? If not, he’s not father material. (If you need further convincing, look up a book called Adult Children of Alcoholics. Your husband may think he’s being a part of his son’s life, but when he’s drunk, he’s not actually THERE and this will have lasting detrimental effects.)
Sure, he may be plagued with alcoholism, but you are actually enabling the disease by bending your life to fit around his destructive lifestyle. If you want to try to get him help, go for it. (There’s also Al-Anon for you, and they’re free!) But know that he’s got to want it for himself if it’s ever going to work. No ones to say that you can’t patch things up while he’s clean, but for now, he needs to get on the wagon before you can even THINK about next week, not to mention the next fifty years.
Run, don’t walk,
Kristine, TMH
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