Unplug!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
It seems that whenever I go out with my girlfriends, they spend so much time looking at their smart phones that I wonder even why they bother going out. I’ve mentioned that I find it rude but they sort of keep sneaking peeks, claiming that the babysitter may be trying to reach them.
Any ideas?
Signed,
Luddite
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Dear Luddite (Does that rhyme with Crudite?),
Yeah, I hear you. I hear you because I also have friends and family members who tell me that I’m on my (Very) Smart (and Beautiful) phone all the time. But I can’t help it! What if I’m spending time with my friends like an idiot and miss an email about Target’s latest promotion or a text from one of my kids letting me know that the other one is a HUGE STUPID DUMMY! Or a tweet! OMG. What if someone tweets and I’m not there to see it? Will that tweet even exist?
If this existential exploration isn’t exactly what you had in mind, I have some other ideas. (And I’m going to assume, based on your question, that you already had the mature “It bothers me when you constantly check your phone while we’re out together because it makes me feel like you’re not fully present and are also probably plotting to kill me” and “the babysitter may be trying to reach me” is the grandchild of “the dog ate my homework” discussion. )
1. Play a fun game! I heard of a new trend of everyone putting their phones into the center of the table and the first person to reach for hers pays for everyone’s dinner. Surf and Turf with truffles, here you come!
2. Every time someone checks her phone, say “OMG, is everything alright? What was THAT all about? No, I don’t believe that it was nothing. Let me see! GIVE ME THAT PHONE!”
3. Instead of meeting at local restaurant next time, try a nearby cave (call ahead to make sure there’s no WiFi). Spelunking is the latest craze! Probably.
Hopefully, you and your friends will find a happy medium (try Patricia Arquette!) and your friendship can survive this difference of opinion on etiquette.
Good luck,
Marinka, TMH
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D-I-V-O-R-C-E spells PARTY TIME!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My good friend “Cindy” and I are both in our 40′s. She recently got divorced and now, quite understandably, she wants to go out to clubs and bars and start mingling. The problem is that she wants me to go with her because she doesn’t want to go alone. I’m happily married and don’t have the time or desire to hang out in a singles bar, but I still want to support her. Advice?
Signed,
Not Single, Don’t Wanna Mingle
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Dear Not Single,
One thing nobody tells you about in your 20′s—when you and all of your friends are out every night meeting guys—is that half of you will be doing it all over again 20 years later. Only this time most of the guys will be bald, disillusioned and taking medicine for their high cholesterol. It’s like Cocoon meets Sex and the City meets Dr. Oz. HOT!
Anyway, while you’re a good friend for supporting her, of course you can’t accompany her on her nightly Man Trawls or you’ll soon be divorced yourself. Therefore, I have a few (brilliant) suggestions for you:
1. Find another single or divorced woman you know and hook them up. They no doubt have a lot in common and would love to spend time going out to clubs together. (Think The First Wives Club, but without the poor writing and lip syncing to Motown songs.)
2. Suggest Cindy try another way of meeting men, such as Match.com, eHarmony or the new dating/tax service I just invented two minutes ago called “Heart o’ Tax” where you can go on a date with a CPA and have him do your taxes before he kisses you good night. 1099! 1099! Oh, God, 10…99!
3. Related to #2, see if she’s interested in being set-up with a single man you know, then maybe go on a double date. That way she still has you around as back-up, but it’s a little more civilized than a single’s bar where people lick things off of other people and then scream “Woohoo!” and have to go to the county health clinic a week later.
4. Do not, under any circumstances, call her a Cougar, a Puma or a Mountain Snow Leopard because it will only hurt her feelings. Unless, of course, she’s dating a 25-year-old guy named Colton who works at a kiosk.
But my biggest piece of advice is for you is to realize that she’s probably sewing some wild oats (or “sowing” if you prefer the “correct” usage of that term) and will calm down soon enough. Divorce is incredibly stressful and she’s now just enjoying herself as much as she can. So be there, support her and listen to the stories about all the hot guys she met last night.
Especially the bald ones who have high cholesterol.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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I Got Rid of My Boyfriend But Now I Need Friends
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
A few days ago, I ended a serious relationship. It was mutual and not a bad breakup but I have no desire to remain in contact with my ex simply for the sake of moving on. However, I am realizing that the majority of my friends were friends I met through him. So now I am left with very few friends and that seems to be the hardest part of this breakup.
I have never had many female friends and have always been a bit of a tomboy. So I’m not sure how to approach other women. Where the heck can I meet some cool friends, male or female?
Signed,
I Don’t Want You, Just Your Friends
_____________________________
Dear Friendless,
Can’t you barter with your ex? You know, he gets to keep all those cool snow globes you collected together and you get just one of his friends?
No? Selfish boy. Well, he is going to miss those snow globes.
I must begin by complimenting you on your maturity. When I’ve broken up with a guy, I’ve had a month long mourning process where I eat my weight in Sweet Tarts, watch Meg Ryan movie marathons nonstop and sob into my Pinot Grigio. It’s pretty ugly. You are obviously a lot more emotionally mature than me and that will be a big advantage when it comes to making some friends.
As someone who once relocated all alone to Montana (a place with more cows than people and cows are not that great at small talk), I know how difficult it can be to make friends. The best way to meet new people is to get involved in something you like to do – whether it’s kayaking, yoga, reading or belly dancing.
You are more apt to connect with people who share a passion with you. So join a club. And even if you’re not outgoing, make an effort to chat with people. Ask them lots of questions because people love to talk about themselves.
And what about your workplace? Are there any folks there who you could imagine starting a friendship with? If yes, ask them to do a power walk with you during lunch or grab a drink after work. Don’t make it a big time commitment in case perky Susie from accounting turns out to be a closet cat hoarder. Not that I don’t love cats. I do. Just not 36 of them.
Or try the site MeetUp as a way to connect with people in your area. Keep going out and meeting people until you click with one or two of them. You know, someone who enjoys the same stuff you do and laughs at all your jokes about your ex and his obsession with snow globes. I promise, your future pal is out there.
Good luck,
Kelcey, TMH
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When is it Okay to Interfere in Something That’s None of My Business?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My friend has always had a lot of male friends and colleagues, and she is pretty affectionate towards all of them. She found a boyfriend at the beginning of the year, who most of her friends know well (me included), and while they’re adorable together and most everyone is certain that they love each other, not all is right with the guy, and possibly not with her either. He’s an upstanding guy with a good reputation, but she and his past girlfriends say that he’s emotionally dependent. He is not a violent or abusive person, but as their mutual friend I think it hurts him to see her fill her social life. What should I do?
Signed,
I’m not Snooping, I’m Something Else Entirely
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Dear Yeah Right,
Normally I find it somewhat endearing when friends are concerned about the relationships of their friends, but there’s something about this scenario that’s striking me as…fishy. I think it’s because I can’t tell if you’re more worried about his well-being or hers, and I think that there’s an underlying issue at work here.
Let’s play armchair psychiatrist for just a moment to see if we can crack the code.
Me: How do you feel about your friend’s affectionate behavior toward her mostly-male friend base?
You: I think it’s inappropriate and that she’s probably a whore.
See? I think we’re really getting somewhere here. Let’s keep going…
Me: When you think of her boyfriend seeing her behavior, what goes through your mind?
You: That he’s got some issues that are likely being triggered by her behavior and OH GOD I WOULD BE SO GOOD TO HIM WHY DOESN’T HE SEE ME?!
::offers Kleenex::
I think that’s enough for this week’s session.
The bottom line here is that this is not your problem to handle. It seems to me* that they both have some emotional baggage which needs to be sorted independently. For this reason, your intervention will do nothing to improve the situation, if it’s even one that needs improving to begin with.
*I am not a trained psychologist, I just play one on the Internet.
Good luck!
Kristine, TMH
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Dinner With Friends? Check Please!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I need help. My 3 year old is pretty well behaved when we are out to dinner. My wife and I are pretty quick to dispense justice…err… gently discipline him….when he is acting up. And when we are out to dinner as just a family it is very enjoyable. But, here is my problem, it gets incredibly stressful and downright exhausting when we are out with friends with kids his age and those friends don’t set the same…or ANY…boundaries.
I find myself correcting my son’s behavior while my friends do nothing to their child. I just want to yell at my friend, “hey bozo, you want to put the drink down for two seconds, step in here and tell your kid to stop screaming like a wild banshee and running around the restaurant?”
I don’t feel comfortable disciplining their child, and biting my tongue is growing increasingly annoying…and painful. I know every parent has their own boundaries. But how do you deal with the situation when the boundaries are so very different….or worse yet, nonexistent?
Signed,
Trying To Enjoy My Dinner
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Dear Trying To Enjoy My Dinner,
There is nothing more exciting than children running freely around hot food and trays weighted down with ice-cold drinks! Instead of worrying about your child or your parenting responsibilities perhaps you should begin a betting pool to see which kid does the most damage? Or which waiter will bite the dust? It’s really fun for the whole family!!
Sure, there is a strong possibility your child may grow up to act like a total douchebag in public, but, really, you can look at this as just another fun family opportunity. One where you can bet on how big of a jerk your child can be by the age of 35? How many friends he will lose in a week? Or how many complaints he can get at work before getting fired? Fun! Fun! And more fun!
Of course, if you abhor joy and merriment and would prefer to take the Debbie-Downer approach, here are a few quick-fix options:
1) The Duct Tape Solution: Simply duct tape offending child to his/her chair and, for absolute efficiency, duct tape mouth shut as well. Enjoy meal. This one is extremely effective although it may not allow you to keep your friends. Can also be used on rowdy frat boys.
2) The Spike The Punch Solution: Nothing gets a child to behave faster than a slight sedative in his apple juice. This one is probably illegal but perhaps worth the punishment? This one is used by rowdy frat boys.
3) The Passive/Aggressive Solution: This one relies on constant comments like: “Wow, little Timmy sure is energetic. I bet you have to check your food for spit a lot when you go out.” Or “Little Timmy sure can yell. There’s nothing like a damaged eardrum to make me realize I should see my doctor for my annual checkup.” This one will probably make you hate yourself.
4) The Craigslist Solution: Place an ad looking for new, better friends. This one may require several strange and awkward dinners with pervs, freaks, and a possible serial killer or two before you find a family with whom you click.
Of course, you can always forget the quick-fix options and try talking to your friend. Although, most people are not very receptive to hearing that they lack parenting skills. I think this depends on the friendship and the personalities of the people involved.
The best option, and one with the least chance of getting you arrested or tackled by rowdy frat boys, is to stick to just going out to dinner with your immediate family. If you want to meet up with your friends and their children, try and plan some time at a playground where all of the children can run off their energy. You may be dining alone now but you should remember that the consistent parenting you are doing will make for one fine young man down the road!
Good Luck,
Tonya, TMH
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