My Daughter’s Birthday is Making Me Look Bad
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My daughter is turning 7 in a month. She wants to invite several friends to go to a water park near our home. But she wants it to be “girls only.” This means one of her best friends (a boy) won’t be invited.
I’ve tried to convince her that she should just include him but she won’t budge. I don’t want this boy to feel left out plus we are close friends with his parents.This could get awkward really quickly. Should I just force her to include him?
Signed,
Political Correct Polly
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Dear Polly,
You could force your daughter to include him and then when your birthday rolls around, she can force you to celebrate it at American Girl Place with a tea party for all your friends and their overpriced dolls. Not your idea of fun, right?
It’s her birthday. And it only rolls around once a year. And a year to a 7 year-old is like 10 zillion years (unlike our birthdays which seem to come around every 30 minutes). So your daughter has been waiting a very long time for this big day. If at all possible, let her celebrate it HER way.
Who knows why she wants a girls only party? Just accept that kids are sort of insane and you’ll save yourself a lot of energy. Let her have her girls party but tell her to come up with a special way to celebrate her birthday with her friend that’s a boy. Maybe a playdate with birthday cupcakes? Have her think of an idea she likes and will be excited about. All of a sudden she has two birthday celebrations!
As for your friends, just tell them your daughter wants a girls only birthday party, roll your eyes in that my-daughter-is-crazy kind of way and apologize that you can’t include their son. Then suggest a adults dinner out and pick up the alcohol tab. Nothing awkward about buying your friends a few drinks. Unless a swingers scenario follows. In that case, write back. We Mouthy Housewives will help.
Good luck!
Signed,
Kelcey, TMH
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Pay-For-Party
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m in a moms group and one of the other mothers kindly invites me to their annual summer party. The problem? These people are cheap. Last year they asked everyone to bring their own meat to grill and this year they are asking every adult to pay $5. I mean, I’m cool with bringing a side dish to share, but I think they are being ridiculous. Am I wrong? Should I say something?
Signed,
Potlucks are for Pussies
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Dear Potlucks are for Pussies,
Not a fan of BYOM parties? Neither am I! Of course, that’s mostly because I’m fearful I’ll get into a car crash on the way to the event, thereby causing the five pounds of raw steak I’m holding on my lap to somehow infect my private parts with Mad Cow disease and then I’ll wind up quarantined in Kansas City until the USDA discovers a cure for human udders and debilitating cud addiction.
I know. It’s a wonder I ever leave the house.
Now I assume that everyone reading this knows the three words I’m going to say in response to your question. Ready? Here we go: In this economy…blah, blah, blah…not everyone who wants to host a party can afford to pay for food and drinks for their guests. (Well, not unless they have amazing sponsors like JVC who helped us throw a party so swanky, we didn’t even have to use lame-o drink tickets. All you can swill, baby! That’s how we Housewives roll!)
Anyway, if the ickiness of forking over $10 to cover costs outweighs the joy of socializing with these people, don’t go. You’re certainly under no obligation to attend what you consider to be a tacky affair. (Although I’d strongly advise against saying something to the hostess about her perceived cheapness unless you want some discount potato salad shoved down your skort.)
Next time, offer to host—and pay for—the BBQ all by yourself. This will either show the other moms a better way to throw parties, or make them seethe with resentment because they think you’re showing off by serving cocktail weenies and pickles for 50. Personally, as long as I like those involved, I’m happy to go to any party anyone’s nice enough to ask me to attend.
I mean, as long as I don’t have to carry meat on my lap.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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You’ve Got Rude Mail
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My friend sends very curt emails. When she asks me to do something, she never says “please” and “thank you.” Do I say something (and if so, what?) or just let it go. Am I over-sensitive?
Signed,
Magic Word Marge
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Dear Marge,
It often can be very difficult to figure out the tone and meaning of an email. I once had a boyfriend who emailed, “We both really need a break.” I was half way through planning our itinerary to Southern Italy so we could get a break from work and go on holiday together when it suddenly occurred to me that he might mean a break from me. Turns out, he was totally into the idea of going to Southern Italy. He just preferred to do it with some brunette he met at work.
Sometimes we read emails the wrong way. You might think your friend’s emails are rude and she may just be quickly typing something out on her Blackberry. I promise you that she has no idea she’s offending you. Many of us take shortcuts while typing on our cell phones in an effort to avoid crippling finger pain and the words “Thank you” might be 8 letters too many for your friend.
I’m not sure what she’s asking of you in these emails. If it’s, “Can you pick up some wine on your way to the party?” I might let the “please” and “thank you” thing go. If it’s, “Can you take care of my 5 children for the long weekend?” I would demand some manners.
If it’s really bothering you, send her an email about it but try to soften the tone with one of those completely overused, totally annoying smiley faces. Like, “Hey girl, I’m happy to return your library books for you but I’d love to hear the magic word. 
That sort of thing.
Good luck to you!
Signed,
Kelcey, TMH
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Is That Your Perfume, Or Are We Being Fumigated?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Help! My roommate wears too much perfume. She is a lovely woman but she wears a ton of cheap perfume each day. She sprays it on in one end of our house and I can smell it upstairs at the opposite end before she’s even done spraying. It makes me want to gag and I have a hard time catching my breath. It’s a terrible way to start my day. I have been leaving all the windows open in the house to air it out but that isn’t gonna fly in our fast-approaching northern winter. What can I say to get her to ditch the perfume?
Signed,
Must You Marinate In It?
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Dear Marinate,
Oh, I’ve been there. Where your roommate is, I mean. I’d spray a gallon or two of the finest that Walgreen’s had to offer, and suddenly everyone within gagging distance would be wrinkling their noses and feigning fainting spells. So unnecessary when a simple, “nothing personal, but your perfume is making me sick!” will do the trick nicely.
I know that it’s popular to lie and say that you are allergic to her scent, and if you need that crutch, then by all means. But I think that there are others in her life who suffer along with you, and since you’re the first point of contact, you should take one for the team and just let her know. If you feel like you can’t be blunt and tell her, “you’re putting on way too much perfume on and it’s suffocating me,” I suggest that you engage her in a riveting round of Guess What I Find Annoying About You? After she submits one insecurity after another for your consideration, surprise her with “it’s your perfume!” She’s guaranteed to be relieved that it’s just that an not the fact that she’s a whore with daddy issues or her cankles.
Happy breathing!
Marinka, TMH
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Friends Help Friends Vacuum
Dear Mouthy Housewives Heather and Kelcey,
What do you think about a friend who invites you to stay at her apartment during the BlogHer conference, but then she casually insists that you vacuum her apartment?
Sincerely,
“Wendi”
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Dear “Wendi”,
Well, it’s your bad luck that Kelcey and Heather are at a spa today and I’m womanning the shop. Personally, I don’t see what the big deal is. In the spirit of sisterhood, we should all be helping each other with domestic chores. Besides, with the Mouthy Housewives party sponsor LG Kompressor vacuum, you hardly broke a sweat!
Can’t wait for you to visit again! Mi casa is su casa! (And next time, you WILL do windows.)
Luv,
Marinka
(Note: Please excuse the dramatical stylings of the Housewives. We were kicked out of the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts for insubordination & excessive beer bonging. Also, the cinematography was done by Ms. Madison, Marinka’s 10-year-old neighbor, who we think has a bright future in directing industrial videos.)
Many thanks to our wonderful Mouthy Party sponsor LG Electronics for outfitting all of us and our guests with the awesome LG Kompressor! Yes, everybody who came to our Mouthy Housewives BlogHer party is getting a vacuum! It’s just like we’re frickin’ Oprah, but without the latent thyroid condition and our “boyfriend” Steadman! Woohoo! YOU GET A VACUUM! YOU GET A VACUUM! YOU, well, you get a pack of gum and a pat on the head, but then YOU GET A VACCUM!
