Merry Christmas…In March?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My friend sent Christmas gifts to my kids in December. Now it’s March, and I don’t know what happened, but I just found the package. So now, not only did I not reciprocate with gifts to her kids, but my kids did not acknowledge her gifts. I’m so embarrassed, I just can’t deal with this. Help me!
Signed,
Presents from the Past
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Dear Presents from the Past,
Just how messy is your house? Or maybe it’s not messy, it’s just one of those McMansions that has more rooms than a high-security federal prison and therefore random things like your children can go missing for days and days. (And if so, can I move in?)
But here’s the thing: in my house, there’s no freaking WAY a present could ever be lost for more than a minute because my kids have Supernatural Gift Radar. Seriously, if you’re ever stranded on a desert island, wrap up a rock in a banana leaf and put a pretty fishbone bow on it. Boom! My boys will have rescue ships to you before you can say, “Is that a crab in my pants or are the sailors just making me feel tingly?”
But let’s assume your children aren’t grubby gift hunters like mine, and that somehow this present honestly got lost in the shuffle. You could either throw your friend a line like, “Oh, my gosh. Did I tell you that someone robbed our house in December and I just had to buy it all back from some Russian mobster on eBay? Weird, huh? By the way, thanks for the Zhu Zhu pets!”
Or you could just be honest. Go over to her house with handwritten thank-you notes from both you and your kids, a gift for her children, and a very chagrined look on your face. If she’s a friend and a mom, she’ll understand that sometimes things can get overlooked in the hectic pace of life. It probably won’t be long before it becomes an old, running joke between the two of you.
Next year, make sure you have a special place in your house to put all the gifts you receive. And if that still doesn’t work, just give my boys a call. They could find Jimmy Hoffa if he were gift-wrapped.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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Other People’s Dirty Laundry
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
A friend recently returned some maternity clothes to me. I don’t even need them anymore but I’d like to lend them to another friend. Here’s the problem—they were returned completely dirty. Am I supposed to pay for all these sweaters to be dry cleaned? I don’t want to hand them over to my other friend dirty. What should I do?
Signed,
I Don’t Want to Pay For It
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Dear Don’t Want To,
Well, I hope you learned a really important lesson: No good deed ever goes unpunished. What were you thinking, lending maternity clothes to another preggo? In this dog-eat-dog world, being helpful to a friend is practically a felony.
And your friend is no fool, she knows this. She borrowed the clothes, used them, by apparently rolling in the mud like the pig that she is, and then dropped them off at your place. Easy peasy.
You, on the other hand, seem to be happy to rinse and repeat by lending the clothes to yet another “friend.” I don’t know how you can live with yourself.
I know that you’re expecting me to say, “Talk to your friend. Ask her gently if she’d mind taking the clothes to the dry cleaner’s and returning them to you in the condition that she received them, less ordinary wear and tear of course, tee hee!” Well, I’m not saying it.
I’m saying, pay for the dry cleaning yourself. You’ll feel really resentful towards your friend, but that feeling will really help you when she asks to borrow some baby clothes, or maybe a bouncy seat. Oh, how you’ll snap at her when she asks if she could possible borrow your Maclaren. Really, have your Flip camera ready for that one. I mean, the friendship will be ruined, but it will feel fantastic to get all that festering resentment off your chest.
Or, if you sort of like your friend despite her bad manners, maybe you should just go ahead and ask her to dry clean the clothes. It’s a small awkward price to pay to save a friendship.
Yours in cleanliness,
Marinka, TMH
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Stop Copying Me, You Copycat
Today we are honored to welcome our Guest TMH, Anna Lefler, mistress of the hilarious blog Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder. Ms. Anna is a novelist, a humorist, a lover, a fighter, a Sagittarius (unconfirmed), a blonde and one hell of a funny writer. (And she’s also one of the most genuinely nice people we’ve ever met.) Please welcome Anna to TMH, and be sure to go visit her at her own joint. You’ll be glad you did. Thanks, Anna!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a blog and have recently noticed that a friend seems to be very influenced by my writing style. She wrote about a topic a few weeks after I did, without linking to me or anything. Confront or drop?
Signed,
Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Ripping Me Off
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Dear Imitation,
I think it’s important to remember that this is exactly why the Internet was invented. “But, Anna,” I hear you saying, “I thought the Internet was invented so scientists at different universities could easily communicate.” No, that is a widespread urban myth or, as we professionals call it, a “total pantload.” The Internet was, in fact, invented for two reasons: 1. to facilitate the evolution of the species known as “social media guru,” and 2. to provide a virtually limitless supply of content for bloggers who can’t think up their own ideas.
Unfortunately, many people forget this, instead taking the selfish view that content they single-handedly create is somehow “theirs.” (Believe me, some folks get downright aggressive about protecting their “ideas.” I could go into detail, but my lawyer says I shouldn’t talk until the settlement is finalized. Whatever.)
Anyway, my advice to you is to take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself, “Am I sharing nicely with the blogosphere…or am I hoarding my creativity?” I believe once you adjust your perspective you will embrace your role on the supply side of the Internet content equation. From then on, you will stand tall and proudly display the blog badge honoring the vital service you perform as an ICP – Involuntary Content Provider.
Onward,
Anna, Guest TMH
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You’re Like, So Totally Braggadocious
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a friend whose life is going very well. I know this because she tells me about it all the time. Like many people, I am out of work and very single, and even though I’ve told her this, she still goes on and on about how great her marriage is and how much money she is making. How do I get her to stop?
Signed,
Enough Already
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Dear Enough Already,
I completely agree that it’s totally annoying when someone won’t stop telling you how wonderful their life is. In fact, just last week when I was hanging out at Canyon Ranch drinking champagne and getting a salt scrub on my size-2 perfectly shaped behind, my BFF Gwyneth Paltrow would just not shut up about how fabulous she is. “I know you’re perfect, Gwyneth,” I sighed as Rico, the muscular pool boy slowly gyrated in front of my unwrinkled, youthful face, “but my life is just so awful in comparison to yours. For the love of God, Gwynnie, my diamond ring is only 10 carats! Ten! That’s five carats less than the chubby Kardashian’s! Oy vey, my life sucks! Hey, you gonna finish that lobster truffle?”
My point is there’s always going to be someone better off than you. It’s just the way the world works. And we should definitely try to be happy when our friends are doing well. However, if good fortune happens to turn our friends into smug, self-centered and insensitive jerks, then that’s another story. That’s when we move on to Operation Dump They Ass.
Since you’ve told her that her bragging bothers you and she still continues to do it, I don’t see the point in continuing the friendship a minute longer. Simply let her know that you’re far too busy clipping coupons and trolling for eligible men at the assisted living home to hang out any more. (Maybe wear some socks with big holes in them and eat cat food out of the tin while you’re saying this.) It’s never easy to end a friendship, but the fact is, nobody needs someone in their life who makes them feel inadequate and ignored.
And that’s exactly what I told Gwyneth right before I threw her Oscar into the landfill.
Love,
Wendi, TMH
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Hang on to your maxi-pads, ladies, because we’ve got an exciting new giveaway this week! One lucky reader will win a copy of Elissa Stein & Susan Kim’s fabulous new book FLOW: The Cultural History of Menstruation! As Library Journal put it, FLOW discusses that time of the month with “wit, sarcasm, and common sense . . . the authors use a pop culture lens to posit a modern, feminist, female perspective on menstruation.” We love this book.
To enter, simply leave a comment this week on one of our posts and/or send us a question to ask@mouthyhousewives.com. Whichever you decide to do, please mention FLOW so you’ll be entered in the contest. Good luck!
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You Might As Well Dance With Ugly Men Too
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a “friend” whose husband has a son from a previous relationship. My friend thinks that her husband should not pay child support because he does not see his kid (his choice). The reason she gives for his lack of parental involvement is that the child is “bad.” Well duh! Maybe if the little boy’s father spent time with him he might not be “bad.”
The truth is that my friend is whiney and does nothing to foster the relationship between her husband and his son. She actually hinders it.
She also thinks her husband shouldn’t pay child support because he was recently laid-off. But kid bills do not stop when you get laid-off. I chewed her out. Am I out of line? Should I just have nodded and moved on back to the real world where she apparently does not live?
Signed,
Seriously PO’d
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Dear Seriously PO’d,
My advice for you today is very profound yet crystal clear in its simplicity.
Stop hanging around jerks like your friend.
You know what makes a better friend than a whiney jerk? A Barbie doll. She lets you do all of the talking and, from the look on her face, she is happy with that arrangement. Not to mention she has a corvette and a mansion, all desirable qualities in a friend in this current economy.
And, of course, Barbie and Ken eventually have sex, and what is a result of sex? Children! Then Ken leaves Barbie for her younger sister, Skipper, but does Ken renege on his obligation to his children? No. He pays child support and sees his children every other weekend and alternating holidays, like 50% of all dads in America.
I now have a second piece of advice. You should have lunch with your jerk friend and bring Barbie along to use as a prop for social stories. If you aren’t familiar with social stories, they are a type of therapy used with children who struggle with understanding social situations. In your case, though, the social story props would be for adults who act like children.
Truthfully, I’m really not sure if the Barbie social story will work at all in your situation, mostly because I don’t keep jerks as friends. It’s like dancing with ugly men. I’d rather be alone.
Sincerely,
Heather, TMH
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BlogHer ‘10 is coming to NYC this summer and some of the Mouthy Housewives (together with Aunt Becky!) have put together a proposal for a room, called Dear Abby 2.0: Giving Advice in the Blogosphere.
Please help us bring this session to BlogHer!! Whether you plan to be there or not, please vote by clicking here, log on to BlogHer and then click “I would attend this session” (it’s just above the title: Dear Abby 2.0). After you click it it will miraculously say “I would not attend this session.” This means that your vote for the session has been successfully registered. Thank you!
