CHICKtionary CHICKtionary CHICKtionary!
Today is a special day at TMH because one of our very favorite people is guest posting. Yep, the always hilarious and well-groomed Anna Lefler from Life Keeps Getting Weirder is here! Anna! Lefler! Anna Lefler! And the reason La Lefler is here (besides as payback for all of the money we loaned her to pay off her Pai Gow Poker debts) is because she has a fabulous new book out called “CHICKtionary: From A-line to Z-snap, The Words Every Woman Should know.” It’s super funny and it’s also PINK! See? Like the best kind of champagne!
Anna has generously offered to give away a signed copy of her book to one of our lucky readers. As well as a $50 Amazon gift card so you can buy even more copies to give to everyone on your gift list! We told you she was awesome.
Now heeeeeere’s a little taste of Anna:
Sprechen Sie Lady Lingo?
Female relationships are a complex and beautiful ecosystem all their own, governed by rules and customs that – to a casual observer – might seem counter-intuitive, contradictory or just plain baffling.
And that’s okay.
I feel the same way when I hear someone speak Portuguese. To me, it sounds like some kind of smokin’ jazz improvisation. I wonder at the listener’s ability to decode the meaning, but somehow the message to make sure and buy kitty litter on the way home from the office is received and understood.
It is, of course, all about speaking the language.
One of the things that impressed me most while writing The CHICKtionary was the level of nuance built into female communications. So much meaning relies on the delivery as well as shared, unspoken understandings about how life works. (That’s not to say that men’s communications don’t operate on the same level, but as a non-native speaker, I’m reluctant to take a position on that.)
In a typical interaction between women about anything from food to fashion to relationships, a written transcript of the exchange would likely give the reader a misleading impression of the conversation – or even one that is 180 degrees from the truth.
I think this is very cool. And also kind of funny.
And so I wanted to share with you some of the definitions from the book that highlight what I think is one of the fascinating aspects of female communication: that all is not what it seems.
Anorexic, adjective
While this adjective is derived from the name of the serious and potentially fatal eating disorder anorexia nervosa, it is often used by women as a compliment. For instance, if your friend is fretting that her cocktail dress makes her look chubby, the comment, “Are you kidding? It’s perfect—you look anorexic!” would be met with smiles and thanks. It’s worth noting that the disease-as-compliment construction seen here is extremely rare and, as of this writing, it is still considered bad form to tell someone that her new jeans make her look “herpes-ish” or “gall-stoned.”
Does This Make Me Look Fat? phrase
A seemingly straightforward yet treacherous question that requires different responses depending on the gender of the person to whom it is addressed. When asked of a male, the reply must be a swift and emphatic, “No!” Ideally, this will be followed immediately with glowing modifiers such as, “You look hot!” and “Are you kidding? You need to gain a few pounds, hon!” When asked of a female, an honest response is acceptable, provided it is couched in camouflage comments that blame the unflattering appearance on the hateful designer, lousy dressing room lighting, and/or cheap construction of the offending garment.
Friendly, noun
A person who may appear to be a member of your inner circle of friends, but in fact is not. One level higher than an acquaintance on the friend scale, the friendly may be someone from work, or perhaps a person you talk to each day at the gym, even the neighbor with whom you chat while walking your dog each evening. There is an invisible barrier between you, however, and whether she realizes it or not, the friendly’s security clearance is restricted. She may know about the fight you just had with your boyfriend, but she doesn’t know that you put his stupid Rams jersey in the donation box at the Salvation Army . . . because she’s just a friendly.
Hawt, adjective
An affected spelling and pronunciation of the word “hot” associated with teens and tweens as well as those of more advanced age who would like to be identified with youth culture. A popular term in texting, hawt is used to indicate extreme hotness, also described as attractiveness. It is worth noting that, with the appropriate sneering delivery, hawt can take on an opposite meaning and become a term of derision, as in, “Oh, my, look at Krysta’s new mom jeans. Hawt.”
I Hate You, phrase
This is one of those expressions that is, as they say, all in the delivery. If spoken in a menacing or even straightforward manner, its meaning is, well, pretty clear. If, on the other hand, it’s exclaimed by one female to another with a seemingly warm or jovial inflection, it becomes a complex expression of admiration and/or envy. An example of this more subtle use of the phrase might be: “Omigod, that dress makes you look so skinny! I hate you!” It’s important to realize that when someone uses this expression with you she actually does, in some small way, hate you.
Just Kidding, Love You, phrase
This is another phrase that pretends to mean the opposite of what it says (see also: I hate you), thus allowing the speaker to “take back” the lousy thing she just said to you. For example, “Chloe, you’re such a bitch—just kidding, love you!” In order for the speaker to make this line work, the phrase must be accompanied by an aggressive smile and must immediately follow the insult or, better yet, be welded right onto it, as in, “Your hair looks so stupid todayjustkiddingloveyou!”
To enter this super giveaway, please leave a comment telling us who you think is “hawt” and/or tweet about Anna and our giveaway with the hashtag #mouthyhousewives. Contest ends next Tuesday, December 6th. Good luck, chickies!
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Smile And Say Cheese! Now, Pay Up!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m a photographer who absolutely adores her job. Nothing is more awesome than capturing memories with my family and friends. However, this career choice has come at a price.
I now find myself constantly on everyone’s guest list, even for my ‘not so close’ friends. But I think my popularity is only based on my camera. I’m not sure I’d be invited if I wasn’t going to capture all of their precious memories for them, for FREE.
I now wrestle with myself over attending these events. Often times, after I get over myself and just go I feel good about it. I get the photos and really enjoy having them UNTIL the inviter (I may have just made that word up) starts hassling and bugging me nonstop to have copies or a disk prepared for them immediately. I don’t feel like it’s right to charge my friends and family for me to be at their celebrations, but how do I tell them nicely that I’m not here for them to use and abuse?
Sincerely,
I’m Gonna Beat Someone With My Nikon
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Dear I’m Gonna Beat Someone With My Nikon,
Where did you say you lived? Near Brooklyn? Maybe you have next weekend free and would love to picnic in the park with me and my cuter-than-the-cutest-Gerber-baby son who is in dire need of a modeling contract? Also, can you pick up some sandwiches, a couple bottles of wine, and some cookies for the lunch? I’ll bring the blanket and the photogenic kid.
But after that, I would suggest that every once in a while you show up to a shindig without your trusty film-dependent sidekick. Keep everyone on their toes. They will learn pretty quickly not to rely on you to always have your camera and be their unpaid professional photographer. Unfortunately, I think this will be easier said than done.
It seems to me that part of the problem here is your lack of confidence in your own self-worth. While you may enjoy all the photos you take at these events, you may actually be way more scared that people only like you because of your camera. You are worried that if it’s not with you, they will stop inviting you. And for some of these folks, that could indeed be the case. But honestly, do you really want ‘friends’ who only like you because they can get your services for free?
You are lucky to be able to make a living doing something you love and enjoy; not a lot of people can say that. But part of being successful is knowing when to say ‘NO’. And you’ve got to do that, especially for those ‘not so close’ friends. As for your other friends and family, it’s a fine line you’re walking. It makes sense that you don’t want to charge them for your services, however, how will you continue to make a living? Perhaps you can take some pictures for free, but if they want the whole set they will need to pay something. Or maybe you can offer all of the photos at a reduced rate? No matter what you do, don’t undersell yourself. Take pride in your work, and more importantly, who you are as a person!
Good Luck,
Tonya, TMH
P.S. I’ll need 60 8x10s and about 200 wallet-sized photos. Thanks.
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My Husband Wants to Sleep with My BFF: Is That Wrong?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband wants to have sex with my best friend. We recently all went out for his birthday and I later found them on my bedroom floor clothed, but my husband was kissing her breast. She said she was drunk and didn’t do anything—including saying “no.”
We have been married 18 years and together since I was 15. He has cheated on me before and I know he has wanted her for a long time; she is very pretty and sweet. What do I do? I think he will eventually cheat with her.
Signed,
Married to a Cheaterpants
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Dear Married to a Cheaterpants,
Hmmmm, this one is a real head-scratcher of a question. And, quite honestly, I don’t know if I’ll be able to point you in the right direction here. Let me think, let me think, let me think….oh, I know! How about if we go back to your first sentence:
“My husband wants to have sex with my best friend.”
Should I call the moving van for you or would you prefer just a simple jetpack to blast your ass out of this disgusting situation?
Because not to sound insensitive, but there’s not much of a gray area here, lady. He’s cheated on you before, he’s made it obvious he’s trying to sleep with your best friend and your best friend seems willing to go along with it. This is what we students of Lifetime Television refer to as “The Donna Mills Hot Mess Trifecta.” So unless you want to stick around to help raise your BFF and husband’s eventual love child, you need to get out while the gettin’s GOOD. (You can’t see me, but I’m doing that cool Jackée thing with my neck right now.)
I know leaving is way easier said than done, especially since you’ve been with him since you were 15 and probably have some co-dependency issues, but things are not going to get better. They’re just not. To quote Maya Angelou, “When a person shows you who they are, believe them.” And this guy has shown you time and time again that he’s nothing more than a complete asshole.
Call your friends, your family, your church—anyone who has the time, resources and love to help you, and start making plans to ditch this loser as well as your “best friend,” who may be “pretty and sweet,” but like this guy, isn’t any kind of friend I’d ever want. Jeez.
I know it’s tough, but listen: life’s too short to allow yourself to be treated like shit. The person you need to love the most right now is yourself because obviously nobody else is looking out for you. (Except us, because we’re just awesome like that.)
Please, keep us posted. We wish you all the best.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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Help! My Friend’s Kids Are Sick With The Ick And I think It’s A Trick!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a very close friend whom I’ve known since childhood. We lost touch, and then reconnected after we’d both married and had kids. She’s sweet, warm and kind but lately, I’ve been plagued by the thought that she might be suffering from Münchausen Syndrome By Proxy.
Her two young, high maintenance children are always sick. She works part-time at a hospital to make ends meet, so I just assumed she was bringing viruses home from work. But it seems like every day they have caught some new, terrible plague or are going to the ER. And she tells everyone about it on Facebook. Even her closest friends are starting to reply to her posts with, “Again?? Really??”
She has a lot of the classic red flags- She used to have a severe eating disorder, she has anxiety and self esteem issues, and she’s very clingy with her kids—she doesn’t like them to be out of her reach very often. Her marriage is often rocky. Yet for some reason, she even keeps talking about wanting more kids.
I hate to think my good friend could be doing something awful, but the more I read about the disorder and compare the information to her, the more uncomfortable I feel about it. I don’t know what to do.
Signed,
Cautiously Concerned
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Dear Cautiously Concerned,
Before we begin to discuss your friend, let’s talk about the Internet for a minute. First, I understand your anxious researching of symptoms. I, myself, am an expert in this. In fact, at this moment I am probably dying from African trypanosomiasis. The problem is that while I have most of the symptoms of this disease, in reality, an illness tends to be more complicated than a simple checklist.
The other thing to keep in mind about the glorious interweb and its social networking, is that some people confuse Mark Zuckerberg’s creation with actual therapy sessions. It’s also hard to really know a person from their Facebook posts. For instance, most of my FB friends assume I’m only interested in images of cats in costumes but this is not the entire picture. I also like photos of dogs in funny hats. So it’s important not to put too much diagnostic weight on anyone’s Facebook status.
Now, on to your friend. Münchausen Syndrome By Proxy (MSbP) is a serious and extremely complicated condition. One of the main problems in its diagnosis has to do with the similarities to an actual, organic issue with a child. It is possible that the stress in the household has caused the two children to have anxiety or depression that can manifest itself in physical ways. It’s also possible that there is something in the home that could be causing all types of illnesses, such as a mold infestation. Or the kids are just being the petri dishes of bacteria that most children really are. I’m not saying that MSbP couldn’t be happening but I’m also not saying that it is. It’s important in a situation such as this to rule out other possible causes.
Also, anxiety, depression and being a helicopter mom do not necessarily translate into MSbP. The eating disorder early on in her life was probably a symptom of her anxiety and depression and is not necessarily indicative of someone who will grow up to abuse her children. Certainly, these days, with Kate Middleton, LeAnn Rimes and Rachel Zoe as role models it’s difficult to find a woman who doesn’t have an eating disorder or is not contemplating one. (Does the Grapefruit Diet work?)
You seem like a really good friend. And there may be reason to worry, but before jumping to conclusions (don’t worry, we all do it) I’d suggest a serious sit down with her. Try and get her to open up about her marriage, the stresses in her life, and how she may or may not be dealing with them very well. If you are still extremely concerned, keep track of how often her children are sick or in the hospital and how she reacts to these situations then seek the advice of a medical professional. Even then, I would proceed with extreme caution.
Good Luck to you and your friend,
Tonya, TMH
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The Case of The Beer Drinking Breastfeeder
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
One of my best friends just had a baby. We went to dinner with him, the baby’s mama and the new baby. All was fine, until the baby got hungry and the mama fed the baby. Let me clarify, the mama was drinking and then breastfed the baby. The mama consumed three pints of beer over the course of about three hours and fed the baby three times while I was there. Now, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a doctor, so I didn’t say anything. But, later I brought this up to some friends and they said I should have said/done something.
To make matters worse, the mama posts a lot on Facebook, including things like outrageously long sleeping times for the baby and how she wishes she could drink more to deal with life, but says that breastfeeding limits her alcohol intake. I feel at a loss. I feel like she’s doing things she shouldn’t do and may be hurting her baby in the process. My best friend didn’t say a word the entire night, and actually tends to encourage her drinking.
This situation is really difficult to watch, especially since my husband and I have been trying for years to get pregnant and are having issues. We aren’t even sure if having a child is going to happen for us.
Do I say something? Do I call Child Services? Do I let it go for fear of being that irrational woman who jeopardizes a 20+ year friendship? Help!
Signed,
Mama Didn’t Just Do That, Did She?
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Dear Mama Didn’t Just Do That, Did She?,
First, I am mother, but I am not a medical professional, although, frankly, I really should be. Especially, given the amount of self-help books I’ve read and the number of hypochondriac websites I visit on a weekly basis. But I do believe that you have a right to be alarmed. I’m not going to sugar coat it, this is a tough situation. Having three drinks in three hours and breastfeeding a baby three times adds up to definite inappropriate behavior. Normally, I try to reserve my judgement of other mothers to the celeb moms I see in Us Weekly, but this case sounds like a very unhealthy state of affairs. Not only was that a possibly damaging amount of alcohol for a child to consume, it’s also dangerous when you consider the responsiveness needed to care for a newborn baby.
It could be that the baby’s mama is overwhelmed and/or depressed, and instead of knowing how to deal with it or whom to turn to, she’s using alcohol to soothe these feelings. Unfortunately, she now has another life depending on her so drinking beer non-stop is not the correct way to fix the situation. It also seems that your friend might be in denial. Don’t misunderstand me—I’m not making excuses for them. I’m simply stating what could be going on.
That being said, you need to have a very serious conversation with your friend. I realize that you may be putting a 20+ year relationship in jeopardy, however, there is a newborn involved who can’t speak up for him/herself. It’s possible that your friend may be upset or angry with you for bringing up the mama’s alcohol consumption, but it’s also possible that he doesn’t even see it. And, it’s also very likely that the mother may need help.
I would try and discuss the situation in terms of your concern for how the mother and baby are doing. Try and leave out the Facebook updates, if possible, since it’s hard to know what she’s really doing and also if the baby’s sleep cycle is related in any way to her possible alcohol consumption.
Keep the discussion concrete. Talk about what you witnessed. You could also try and get your friend to open up about how he feels, how their relationship is faring, and what may be really going on. Make sure your friend understands that this is coming from a place of love and you simply want to help.
Some people may not agree with me, but I would suggest you hold off contacting Child Services unless you witness any other occasions where this woman is drinking heavily and putting her child in real danger. I know this is a difficult situation for you on many levels, but it seems that you are willing to do what is right for your friend and his child.
This is such a complicated subject that I would also like to encourage our readers to weigh in. It’s possible that one of them has had a similar situation and maybe they can tell you what did or didn’t work.
Good Luck,
Tonya TMH
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