Divorce Sucks but Friends Can Help
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I thought my 40′s were supposed to be the new 20! Full of fun, me-time (finally), all benefiting from the wisdom of my years. Now as I look around, every 3rd person has cancer or out-of-control kids or decimated finances. And now a close friend is on the brink of divorce.
The husband (the stupidsonofa – you can fill in the rest) was unfaithful. I don’t know what to do or say to the wife other than the usual – I’ll be here for you – empty talk. What are some good, practical steps I can take to show her I care and am here for her every step of this crappy turn her life has now taken? She has 2 kids and doesn’t want them to think badly of their father, if you can imagine. Can you help?
Signed,
Heartsick for Heartbroken Friend
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Dear Heartsick,
Well, I know this guy from Jersey who, for the right price and cash only, will show that cad the error of his ways. Alright, he’s really from Southern Connecticut but he pretends to be from Jersey because it sounds much more bad ass. Plus, you know how Jersey is all the rage these days. If sending a Connecticut mobster after this cheater isn’t how you roll, then there are lots of other ways to show her you care.
Right now, your friend feels like crap. Someone once told me that getting divorced is like getting into a car accident every day for two years. Most of us are not Julia Roberts’ character in “Eat, Pray, Love” eating carbs in Italy until we feel full and happy again. So, your friend needs you.
Keep her busy. It’s harder to be depressed when we’re too busy to be depressed. So go to the movies, out for dinner, play miniature golf, peruse the thrift shops, go the gym, play strip poker with the local lifeguards, join the town’s cougar club, whatever. But just don’t let her sulk alone at home. If she won’t leave the house, then pop by with some DVDs and popcorn. Recruit other friends to do the same.
Plan something that she can look forward to. Often when we get married and have kids, we forget about some of our passions. Ask her what she used to love to do and make a plan to do it together. If her passion is hang gliding, maybe suggest something a bit less death defying like tennis or bingo.
Make her laugh. Laughter goes a long way towards self healing. If you’re not a stand-up comedian, I recommend “The Today Show” – specifically host Kathie Lee. Kathie is undeniably drunk, crazy and hilarious. I defy anyone to watch this woman and not LOL.
Finally, don’t abandon her (your friend, not Kathie Lee). So often one’s spouse gets kicked to the curb in a divorce as all the couple’s friends pick their side. Make sure she knows that you will remain faithful to her.
I commend her for not dragging her kids into the mess of divorce. She’s clearly a very good person and you’re a wonderful friend to help her through this.
Signed,
Kelcey, TMH
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Get the Hint, Already
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
The mother of my daughter’s best friend keeps inviting me out for coffee, drinks, spa days and every other “fun” activity you can think of. It’s nice of her, but I don’t like her. She has tons of other friends, so it’s not that she’s lonely. How do I get her to stop asking me?
Signed,
Stop Friending Me
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Dear Stop Friending Me,
I’m going to have to assume that you’ve already applied for an Order of Protection against this woman. I mean, coffee, drinks and spa days? I don’t know how you can sleep at night knowing she’s out there. If you don’t nip this one in the bud, she’ll be dragging you to movies and shopping sprees next.
But if you haven’t tried at least one outing with her, you really owe it to yourself. She’s your daughter’s best friend’s mother. She may surprise you.
Then, if your opinion of her remains unchanged, I must commend you for contacting The Mouthy Housewives because we go to great lengths to make sure our readers’ problems are solved. Meaning, I’ll meet her for the spa day, Heather will meet her for drinks, count on Kelcey to show up for that coffee date and if anything else comes up, Wendi’s your gal.
If for some strange reason you don’t want to go with that award-winning idea, just keep saying “no” without the human impulse to soften it with a “some other time, maybe.” Most people will get the hint after a half a dozen times and the ones who are a bit slower will usually pick up on your disinterest in six to twelve months.
If you are worried that you appear overly unfriendly in rejecting her every advance, invite her and her daughter over for dinner some day. The kids will love it and she may be easier to bear with them around.
Best wishes!
Marinka
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Home Alone
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
For the past few weeks, I’ve been going to a 6 a.m. yoga class. I just became friendly with one of the other attendees, a mom in my neighborhood, and she recently told me that she often comes to class when her husband’s out of town—which means she’s leaving her small children home alone.
I know her house isn’t far from the yoga studio, but this really horrifies me. I told her I don’t think that’s the right thing to do, but I don’t know her very well. And if I “turn her in,” she’ll know it was me because she hasn’t told anyone else she does that.
Signed,
Om Um
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Dear Om Um,
This is exactly why exercise is so dangerous. First you’re stretching and Downward Dogging and the next thing you know, you’re in the middle of a Moral Dilemma involving small, innocent children. Wouldn’t it be a lot easier to skip the whole thing and sleep in?
You don’t say how old the children are, but I’m assuming that they’re under 13 (and no, adding their ages together to get to the age of majority doesn’t count). There’s an unspoken rule in the mommy community that we should respect each other’s choices even when we don’t understand them or agree with them. The caveat, of course, is when someone’s choice is putting her child in danger you should intervene. And I think that leaving young kids unattended is dangerous.
So should you speak up, or look the other way?
I’m guessing that looking the other way is not an option for you, because you are pre-haunted with the images of young children scared and helpless, crying for their mother while she’s all bendy at yoga. And because you’re not insane.
So you have no choice.
And short of turning her in to the heat, you have to have it out with her.
Tell her a few horror stories of the terrible things that happened to children left home alone. (And feel free to look beyond Macauley Culkin!) Tell her how dangerous it is. And if you’re really at a loss for words, tell her that my mama thinks that she’s an idiot. Because in addition to the parade of horribles that you’ve imagined, mama thinks it’s entirely possible that the kids can knife each other in some kind of a junior re-enactment of West Side Story.
Besides, everyone knows that when your husband is away, it’s the perfect time to sleep in and skip the workout!
Good luck!
Marinka, TMH
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The Party Pooper
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
One of my girlfriends is constantly having “house parties.” You know the ones—you go to someone’s house and they proposition you to buy stuff that you don’t need and really don’t want for exorbitant prices?
Well, at first it was kind of fun because we all have kids the same age and it was nice to get out and do girl stuff, but now it is just annoying. I’m not talking a party or two each year—she has a party at least every month. I don’t want to buy that stuff and, quite frankly, can’t afford it with our one income family. I’ve told her such, but she is just so pushy! I’m on the verge of filing for witness protection and getting the heck out of Dodge. How can I get out of these invites without completely ruining our friendship?
Signed,
Too Much Tupperware
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Dear Too Much Tupperware,
Ah, the neighborhood sales party. It’s a scourge that’s been around since pretty much forever. I think even Cavewoman Joan knew that if she invited Cavewoman Peggy over to her split-level, um, cave and plied her with cheap white wine, she’d earn a 10% commission on whatever stone cookware she talked her friend into ordering. Unfortunately, the only way Cavewoman Peggy could escape was by yelling, “My ride’s here!” when her husband came to give her a drag home, but luckily, you have a few more options.
Option #1: Buy, Buy, Buy!
No matter what kind of crap your friend is pushing, just whip out your pen and fill out that order form. Soon your house will be filled with scented candles, one-of-a-kind dinner plates, stacks of eyeshadow and really trashy lingerie. (Which, sidenote, will make your house a lot like Cher’s.) Simply do this for a few months and in no time at all, you’ll have an iron clad excuse for missing her next party: bankruptcy!
Option #2: Sell, Sell, Sell!
That’s right, I said “sell.” After all, where would McDonald’s be without Burger King nipping at its greasy heels? What your friend needs is a competitor, so it’s high time you went into the home party bidness, too. If she’s selling jewelry on Tuesday, then you sell SHINIER jewelry on Monday. If she sells ugly figurines at 7 p.m., then you sell even UGLIER figurines at 6 p.m. If she sells big, purple “personal massagers” next week, then you sell even bigger…well, you get the idea. Make it so hard for her to throw parties that she just stops altogether!
Option #3: Make yourself unwelcome
Not hard to do, but best when done with a subtle touch. The next time you’re at her home with a group of women, simply put one or all of these lines into your repertoire: “Oh, my God, you still have that couch?” or “Wow–whoever cleaned up your kitchen after that meth explosion sure did a fabulous job!” or “Hey, everyone—I think congratulations are in order because for the first time in three years, I didn’t see any herpes cream in the medicine cabinet! Our hostess is finally STD free!”
(That last one has kept me off invite lists since 1988.)
Of course, you could just try the direct route again and say, “I”ll be your friend, but not your customer, so please don’t invite me to any more parties.” Hopefully it’ll be the last order you ever have to give her.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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Ain’t No Party Like A Housewife Party
Cause a housewife party don’t stop!
(Well, technically our Mouthy Housewives Happy Two Hours party will have to stop at some point. Like if one of us chips a tooth on a muscular busboy or we get discovered by a modeling scout or if Kelcey, Marinka and Wendi get up on stage and do a horrendous karaoke version of “I Am Woman” that then spurs the roomful of 150 tipsy bloggers to rush the stage, knock over our ex-con bodyguards and start yanking out our weaves as fast as their little fingers will allow.)
(Or it might just end at 10 p.m. when the 48 Lounge kicks us out.)
Make some noise, people because our fabulous Mouthy Housewives Happy Two Hour party is just a few weeks away and today is the big day to RSVP! Woohooo!
In case you haven’t read about it like, EVERYWHERE, our awesome party is Friday, August 6th, from 7:30 to 10 pm, at the super deluxe 48 Lounge. We have amazing sponsors, great food and drinks and swag. For all of you bloggers, we’ll open the RSVPs today, Thursday, July 15th, at 12:30 pm EST, 11:30 am CST and 9:30am PST. (And if you live in another time zone, figure it out yourself–we’re busy picking out our partay dresses.)
Be sure you’re following @MouthyHousewife on Twitter for the link to the invitation!
Hope to see you all there (because if you’re not, that means we can talk about you)!
And if you want your brand to be part of the excitement, we have limited opportunities available. Contact us at ask@mouthyhousewives.com for details.
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