Lonely Mom Seeks Friends
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I quit my job to be a SAHM last year when my daughter was born. She’s 16-months-old now and I’m still having a hard time meeting other moms and making friends. I’m a introvert and it’s hard for me to make the first move. I’m very shy until I get to know someone.
We moved to our neighborhood 3 years ago and I met two other moms who seemed really nice at first and then they started snubbing me once we put up a fence. I befriended them on Facebook and invited them over but they never invite me. I gave them my number and they never gave me theirs. I still see them getting together outside with their kids and it pains me because I’m so lonely. What the hell did I do to these people to make them hate me?
My husband works full time and takes night classes. He has to study on the weekends so I’m starting to go nutty. I joined a playgroup but all the moms that actually go to the functions are already friends with each other and they seem snooty if you’re not in their circle. I’m thinking about going back to work just to have a social life but I recently found out I’m pregnant again. No one will hire a pregnant woman. Any advice on what I should do?
Signed,
Shy Shannon
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Dear Shy Shannon,
Being a mom of young children can be one of the loneliest feelings in the word. Because young kids are super adorable but when you turn to a 16-month-old and say, “Damn, I have a headache from that extra glass of Chardonnay last night. I’m worried that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore might be splitting up. And also, I’ve been meaning to ask – are you supposed to still be sucking on that pacifier?” – the toddler rarely answers.
Mothers need wing women. Someone to assure you that it is perfectly normal to bring your kid to the playground and forget his shoes. And your own shoes.
I don’t know what’s going on with those gals next door. It sounds like you have reached out as much as you can and for whatever reason they are not reciprocating. You’ve spent too much energy on those ladies. It’s time to take action elsewhere.
First of all, I would sign your kid up for a couple music or gym classes. Your 16-month-old will love it and it’s a great way to connect with other moms. Next, start your own playgroup. You think you’re the only desperate, lonely mom out there? You aren’t. You just have to find them. Put notices up on community bulletin boards and Craigslist. Just write, “Local mom starting a playgroup for kids 1 to 2 years old. Email me at Shannon@I’mAwesomeAndCool.com if you’re interested.” I’m just guessing that’s your email address.
Once you have a group of moms, just plan a playgroup every week at someone’s house. I promise this works because that is actually how I made all my mom friends when I first had a baby. I’m still friends with these women seven years later.
I would also make sure you connect with other moms online so you don’t feel so alone while you develop IRL friendships. And finally, I would make sure to watch “Gossip Girl” every week because I consider Serena and Blair to be some of my closest friends.
Good luck and keep us posted!
Signed,
Kelcey, TMH
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My Christmas Photo is Stressing Me Out!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband and I have been separated for a year and a half now. We do not have a formal agreement in place but are living apart. Last year I was ‘excused’ from sending out Christmas cards due to a death in the family. This year I am at a loss at to what I should do. Not everyone knows about the separation (and I am making myself sick thinking about the gossip that will arise once everyone knows) but if I send out a card with myself and my kids, the cat will be out of the bag. Help!
Signed,
Secretly Separated
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Dear Secretly Separated,
I’m sorry for your separation. But I’m guessing that your “secret separation” is not so secret at all. These things tend to get out and kids are not so fabulous at keeping their mouths shut. Like the way my 4-year-old shouted yesterday in a crowded public restroom… “Mom, what’s taking you so long? Are you pooping? It smells like you are pooping.” No I’m not! Here’s my iPhone. Please stop screaming!
I’m sure by now your separation is old news and the ladies in the neighborhood are already gossiping about that middle aged mom who has been seen THREE times with that young handsome Starbucks barista. (She must really like coffee.) Plus, so what if they are talking about you? Maybe one of those chatty Cathys knows of an eligible bachelor a couple towns over that might be your future soul mate.
But if you are really trying to keep this under wraps with distant relatives and whoever else is on your Christmas list, just send a photo of your kids. A lot of people do this because children are so much cuter than those of us who are age challenged and beginning to wrinkle and sag. No one will think anything of it!
But you should not be ashamed of your separation. It sounds like you are doing what’s best for your family and yourself.
Good luck,
Kelcey, TMH
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Lookin’ for Friends in All the Wrong Places
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband is in the military, and we live on base. He is gone a majority of the day, and sometimes I get bored. Usually I do chores and go on the internet or play video games. I am applying for jobs, but don’t have one yet.
So sometimes, I like to walk around my house and look outside and such. Sometimes, when I look outside, my neighbors happen to be out. I don’t, like, stare at them. But I do look for a second and then go back to what I was doing. I was kinda doing that today, but this time I believe they saw me looking. Now I’m worried that they believe I’m some creepy loser who just watches them from the window. I don’t mean to be creepy. I just get bored and get curious what people are doing. Do I just avoid them or tell them I just look outside sometimes?
Signed,
Peeping Penelope
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Dear Peeping Penelope,
::sets down binoculars::
Listen, it’s perfectly normal for you to look out your damn window. All of us do it when we’re bored or daydreaming or worried that there’s a serial killer lurking in the bushes. In fact, when I go for walks around my neighborhood, I am compelled to look in everyone’s garage, should it happen to be open. I can inventory half my block’s lawn equipment. AND THAT’S OKAY.
What’s more worrisome is the fact that you seem trapped indoors. And that when you see these neighbors of yours, you hide behind the curtains rather than wave hello. As for approaching them with an explanation, you may come off like a lunatic if you try to rationalize your anti-social behavior. (Been there, done that, Penelope. Trust me.)
As a woman whose husband is in the military, I can attest to how difficult it can be to meet people on base, especially if you don’t have any children to use as social pawns at the playground. But as difficult as it is to put yourself out there, it’s absolutely essential for survival, Penelope. SO ::smack:: PULL ::smack:: YOURSELF ::smack:: TOGETHER!
A few ideas!
1. Ask your husband to invite some of his friends or co-workers (and their spouses) over for a dinner party. Talk about anything other than how much you like staring at people from the window.
2. Look up and contact your base’s Family Readiness coordinator. This is often a spouse that can put you in contact with social groups and gatherings in your community. (I’d steer clear of the Neighborhood Crime Watch.)
3. GO OUTSIDE. Looking wistfully out the window is a very clear sign that you want to be out, interacting with others. Go for a walk, read a book at the park, anything! (Just leave the binoculars at home.)
You’ll need some patience with the process and confidence in yourself, but you’re bound to make friends as long as you’re not holed up inside.
Good luck!
Kristine, TMH
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How to Make New Friends When You’re a Mom
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My daughter is heading off to school this fall and I’m the nervous one. Not because of sending her off or anything like that (she and I have been doing it since she was 3 and started preschool with the school district) but because I am the youngest mommy in the classroom.
I’m a single mom who lives in a smallish town and while I’ve gotten used to the looks in the grocery store and the inconvenience of becoming the town’s favorite old maid (at 24), I don’t want to stunt her popularity with the other kids. We had parents’ night and other than one mom who is a year older than I am, all the other mommies had a good 10 years on me. (It doesn’t help that the teacher has been teaching nearly as long as I’ve been alive). So my question is, how can I make friends with the other mommies and get them to see me as a FRIEND and not “that baby who had a baby herself”?
Signed,
Socially Stunted
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Dear Socially Stunted,
Back when my sons were in preschool, there a woman called Uniqua (not her real name) who had two kids about the same age as mine called Tyrone and Pablo (again, fake names) (also, they weren’t blue and yellow and good at choreography). Everybody loved Uniqua’s kids, however, she always kept her distance from the other mothers. Finally one day, after being around each other for years, I had a real conversation with her. And she told me that the reason she was antisocial was because she felt self-conscious about not having as much money as everyone else.
“I always feel like the other women snub me,” she said.
Then I put my hand on her shoulder and said something that I remember being very Dalai Lama/Oprah-esque. But it was probably more like, “Damn, Uniqua, you a dumbass, girl. Pull yo head out, a’ight?” (I may not look it, but I have a plethora of “street cred.”) Because while nobody cared about how much money Uniqua had, we definitely cared about her not even trying to be part of the group.
And that’s where I think you’re similar to Uniqua: you’re giving the other mothers a reason to not be your friend via the big ol’ chip on your shoulder. Do they care that you’re 10 years younger? That you had a baby when you were 21? That you’re not married? Maybe, but that’s their problem, not yours.
In order to develop real friendships, you need to let go of your insecurities and just be yourself. Own who you are. Be friendly and approachable. Volunteer to help out at school. Invite your daughter’s friends over to your house for playdates and make sure she’s friendly and polite when she goes over to their houses. Give the other mothers no excuse but to like you and they’ll welcome you as a peer.
I think you and your daughter are going to have a wonderful year.
Best,
Wendi, TMH (not my real name)
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Pardon My Propeller
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
A friend recently made an off-hand comment that I’m a helicopter mom. It really upset me because I consider myself a responsible parent, but I certainly don’t hover.
At least I don’t think that I do. I don’t let my 10 year old daughter go out by herself, I wait with her for the school bus, and I watch from a distance when she goes to the store that’s two blocks away. I trust her, but I’m worried about the world that we live in.
Is this a mistake? Am I a helicopter mom?
Signed,
Cautious Mom
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Dear Cautious Mom,
Welcome to my world. I’ve been called a helicopter mom, too, but unlike you, I embrace it. Of course I like to think of myself as one of those sleek shiny helicopters, with high cheekbones and no cellulite or stretch marks. See? Your friend was practically calling you Angelina Jolie and you got offended. Go apologize to her right now!
What?
Oh.
We live in a terrifying world and unfortunately we’ve all heard of too many horrible things happening to children. To children with wonderful parents who did everything right. It’s unfair and it’s maddening and I’m never going to let my children out of my sight again.
Except, somehow in all this madness, we need to raise our children in a way that will let them function in society. And that includes going to the store by themselves, walking down the street without their parents, learning how to make a margarita for their mothers and even taking public transportation.
Please give me a moment. I need to uncurl from this fetal position I seem to be stuck in. Although I’m pretty sure that it doubles as a yoga pose.
I can’t tell you if 10 years old is too young for your daughter to be outside unaccompanied by a (carefully screened) adult. That depends on your daughter’s maturity, responsibility, your comfort level and too many other factors to list. But I can share that when my daughter was 10, I was not even thinking of letting her go to the store without me. For one, she had no money, so what exactly was she going to do there? And also, I didn’t think that either she or I were ready. I can happily report that now that she’s 13, she does run errands by herself in New York City. Last month I even got an urgent text from her asking me to report to the local Abercrombie & Fitch promptly with my credit card because her allowance money wasn’t covering the purchases.
So trust your instincts. That and your relationship with your child should guide what is age appropriate for her. Even if it involves a bit of hovering.
Good luck,
Marinka, TMH
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