My Boyfriend Prefers His Hand Over Me!
Hold on to your lattes, ladies, because we’ve got a guest Mouthy Housewife on deck today. Miss Yvonne of Yo Mama’s Blog is bringin’ the sass, the spunk, and the spumante! (I hope, anyway. What else am I going to do with all of this orange juice?) She makes me laugh on the regular with her no-holds-barred humor, and really knows how to pull off a mustache. So, without further ado, let’s hear what Miss Yvonne has to say about jerking off! –Kristine
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My boyfriend is masturbating when I am home. We have sex 2-3 times a week, and he knows I want more than that, but he still sometimes chooses to masturbate. Is there something wrong with our relationship where he won’t come to me instead?
Don’t get me wrong: I know guys masturbate, and it doesn’t bother me if he does it when I’m “not available” so to speak, but sometimes this interferes with our sex life. I’ll try to initiate and he won’t get hard, or I won’t be able to get him off because he’s already relieved himself. This makes me feel incredibly inadequate.
I’ve told him specifically how him masturbating with me in the next room, awake, and willing, hurts my feelings, but that doesn’t seem to matter. I don’t want to live my life feeling inadequate for the man I love. What should I do?
Signed,
Sexually Frustrated
__________________________________________
Dear Sexually Frustrated,
First let me say that I feel your pain, as can most women at some point in their lives. You are not alone in your feelings of inadequacy, but take heart because all is not lost.
Based on your email, I’m assuming that your boyfriend is fairly open with you about his masturbating, ummm…schedule. This is a good sign. This means he feels comfortable with you knowing that he’s in the other room wanking it. He’s not hiding it or feeling ashamed of what he is doing. This bodes well for your relationship and probably means he’s not in there watching some kind of deviant porn or having phone sex.
I know it hurts when your man seems more interested in his hand than you. But it isn’t about you. It’s about him, getting his rocks off quickly without having to engage in foreplay or worrying about if he’s going to be able to get you off before he’s done. It doesn’t mean he wants to cheat on you, doesn’t love you or doesn’t find you sexually attractive. In fact, since you’re doing it 2-3 times per week, I would say it’s the exact opposite.
As long as you have a great relationship in all other aspects, he’s not isolating himself from you and doesn’t jerk off more than once or twice a day, then things are probably okay. Try to remember that men just aren’t as evolved as women (apologies to my husband). They think about food, sex and cars…not necessarily in that order…with a bit of work, family, and miscellaneous thrown in there. They don’t obsess over things like we do. What I’m saying is that sometimes a wank is just a wank.
Now, if having sex 2-3 times a week is just not cutting it for you (ah, I remember those days), then maybe you need to step up your game. Take the reins, mama! Initiate a quickie before getting ready for work in the morning. Send him flirty text messages during the day telling him you can’t wait to get home and do naughty things to him. Dress up as his favorite fantasy character (Princess Leia in the gold bikini anyone?). If he watches porn (of course he does), ask him to watch some with you in bed.
And if that doesn’t work, tell him you’ll give him more blow jobs if he stops jerking off so much. Works for me, every time.
Signed,
Miss Yvonne, Guest TMH
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The War To Save Our Sex Life
It’s time for a Mouthy Housewives guest post! Today we have the wonderful and the British Betty Herbert giving sex advice. Because I’ve exhausted my knowledge on the subject last week. And Betty just happens to have written a book about it. Enjoy the wisdom and don’t forget to visit Betty’s site! -Marinka
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am a military wife. We’ve been married for four years and my husband is currently deployed (it has only been 9 months). Since we’ve known each other, our sex life has been really almost non-existent. Every time we’ve had sex, I have initiated everything and to make things worse we never finish either.
He always seems to find an excuse to avoid the subject and only seems to react to it when I get really quiet and he finally realizes it bothers me.
What can I do? How can I help us? Especially when I find his porn collection, and to my surprise, these girls look nothing like me. I am a very feminine, petite Latina/Asian girl while he watches muscular girls with huge breasts.
Should I be freaking out at this point??? The reason I mention the 9 months is because after 9 months of not seeing each other, talking on the phone about how much he misses me and can’t wait to come home and have some ”quality time” with me (if you know what i mean), he came home and didn’t even acknowledge our sex life at all… Can you tell by now I am desperate?
Signed,
Military Wife
____________________________
Dear Military Wife,
This sounds like no fun at all, but try not to freak out just yet. Instead, let’s delve into the murky depths of male psychology.
It’s hard being a man, and not just during ‘flu season. Imagine the pressure: the whole world expects you to be super-horny all the time. This may have been true when you were a teenage boy, but as you get older, well. It’s just not the same any more. Sometimes a nice cup of tea and a sit down seems preferable.
Can most men admit this? Can they heck! Outwardly, they have to keep rambling on like some priapic maniac. Inwardly, they’re wondering what’s wrong with them. Some men just don’t have a very high sex drive. It’s as simple as that.
And after a 9-month gap, imagine the pressure! Your hubby knows you’re expecting a wild explosion of testosterone. Maybe he’s getting a little performance anxiety.
Don’t be perturbed by the porn – in fact, it might give us a bit of a clue about what’s going on here. Could he possibly have you on a bit of a pedestal? Are you maybe the kind of woman that he wants to take good care of, rather than give a good seeing-to? What I mean to say is: you don’t happen to look anything like his mother or his sister, do you?
Unfortunately, the only way to sort this out is the hard way – talking it over. Good luck to you, missus. There’s a good chance he won’t react very well when you first raise the issue. But be gentle, be kind, be persistent, and be ready to turn the other cheek if he gets angry. Explain that this is all because you really, really want him.
We all tend to see sex as very goal-oriented: erection -> orgasm -> ejaculation. Too often, that takes all the fun out of it. Maybe you could try to experiment with some NPS – which means non-penetrative sex, but can also mean no-pressure sex. I love Barbara Carrellas’s Urban Tantra for great tips on mind-blowing things to do with your hands. And as – ahem – my book shows, you can definitely bring sex back from the dead with some time and effort.
Good luck! Try to keep your sense of humour, and, hey, maybe invest in a little porn stash of your own to pass the time while he’s away?
Betty x
(Who would henceforth like to be known as the Frisky English Housewife)
(post contains an Amazon affiliate link)
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CHICKtionary CHICKtionary CHICKtionary!
Today is a special day at TMH because one of our very favorite people is guest posting. Yep, the always hilarious and well-groomed Anna Lefler from Life Keeps Getting Weirder is here! Anna! Lefler! Anna Lefler! And the reason La Lefler is here (besides as payback for all of the money we loaned her to pay off her Pai Gow Poker debts) is because she has a fabulous new book out called “CHICKtionary: From A-line to Z-snap, The Words Every Woman Should know.” It’s super funny and it’s also PINK! See? Like the best kind of champagne!
Anna has generously offered to give away a signed copy of her book to one of our lucky readers. As well as a $50 Amazon gift card so you can buy even more copies to give to everyone on your gift list! We told you she was awesome.
Now heeeeeere’s a little taste of Anna:
Sprechen Sie Lady Lingo?
Female relationships are a complex and beautiful ecosystem all their own, governed by rules and customs that – to a casual observer – might seem counter-intuitive, contradictory or just plain baffling.
And that’s okay.
I feel the same way when I hear someone speak Portuguese. To me, it sounds like some kind of smokin’ jazz improvisation. I wonder at the listener’s ability to decode the meaning, but somehow the message to make sure and buy kitty litter on the way home from the office is received and understood.
It is, of course, all about speaking the language.
One of the things that impressed me most while writing The CHICKtionary was the level of nuance built into female communications. So much meaning relies on the delivery as well as shared, unspoken understandings about how life works. (That’s not to say that men’s communications don’t operate on the same level, but as a non-native speaker, I’m reluctant to take a position on that.)
In a typical interaction between women about anything from food to fashion to relationships, a written transcript of the exchange would likely give the reader a misleading impression of the conversation – or even one that is 180 degrees from the truth.
I think this is very cool. And also kind of funny.
And so I wanted to share with you some of the definitions from the book that highlight what I think is one of the fascinating aspects of female communication: that all is not what it seems.
Anorexic, adjective
While this adjective is derived from the name of the serious and potentially fatal eating disorder anorexia nervosa, it is often used by women as a compliment. For instance, if your friend is fretting that her cocktail dress makes her look chubby, the comment, “Are you kidding? It’s perfect—you look anorexic!” would be met with smiles and thanks. It’s worth noting that the disease-as-compliment construction seen here is extremely rare and, as of this writing, it is still considered bad form to tell someone that her new jeans make her look “herpes-ish” or “gall-stoned.”
Does This Make Me Look Fat? phrase
A seemingly straightforward yet treacherous question that requires different responses depending on the gender of the person to whom it is addressed. When asked of a male, the reply must be a swift and emphatic, “No!” Ideally, this will be followed immediately with glowing modifiers such as, “You look hot!” and “Are you kidding? You need to gain a few pounds, hon!” When asked of a female, an honest response is acceptable, provided it is couched in camouflage comments that blame the unflattering appearance on the hateful designer, lousy dressing room lighting, and/or cheap construction of the offending garment.
Friendly, noun
A person who may appear to be a member of your inner circle of friends, but in fact is not. One level higher than an acquaintance on the friend scale, the friendly may be someone from work, or perhaps a person you talk to each day at the gym, even the neighbor with whom you chat while walking your dog each evening. There is an invisible barrier between you, however, and whether she realizes it or not, the friendly’s security clearance is restricted. She may know about the fight you just had with your boyfriend, but she doesn’t know that you put his stupid Rams jersey in the donation box at the Salvation Army . . . because she’s just a friendly.
Hawt, adjective
An affected spelling and pronunciation of the word “hot” associated with teens and tweens as well as those of more advanced age who would like to be identified with youth culture. A popular term in texting, hawt is used to indicate extreme hotness, also described as attractiveness. It is worth noting that, with the appropriate sneering delivery, hawt can take on an opposite meaning and become a term of derision, as in, “Oh, my, look at Krysta’s new mom jeans. Hawt.”
I Hate You, phrase
This is one of those expressions that is, as they say, all in the delivery. If spoken in a menacing or even straightforward manner, its meaning is, well, pretty clear. If, on the other hand, it’s exclaimed by one female to another with a seemingly warm or jovial inflection, it becomes a complex expression of admiration and/or envy. An example of this more subtle use of the phrase might be: “Omigod, that dress makes you look so skinny! I hate you!” It’s important to realize that when someone uses this expression with you she actually does, in some small way, hate you.
Just Kidding, Love You, phrase
This is another phrase that pretends to mean the opposite of what it says (see also: I hate you), thus allowing the speaker to “take back” the lousy thing she just said to you. For example, “Chloe, you’re such a bitch—just kidding, love you!” In order for the speaker to make this line work, the phrase must be accompanied by an aggressive smile and must immediately follow the insult or, better yet, be welded right onto it, as in, “Your hair looks so stupid todayjustkiddingloveyou!”
To enter this super giveaway, please leave a comment telling us who you think is “hawt” and/or tweet about Anna and our giveaway with the hashtag #mouthyhousewives. Contest ends next Tuesday, December 6th. Good luck, chickies!
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My Twelve Year Old Still Picks His Nose!
We’ve got another guest poster on our hands, ladies! Today’s wonderful wisdom comes from the funny and talented Mandy of You’ve Got to be Kidding Me. With her love of Windex and inability to be photographed without looking like a serial killer, I’m fairly certain she’s my prettier, blonder, thinner long-lost twin. Obviously, I hate love her.
Take it away, Oh Mandy…
–Kristine, TMH
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a 12 year old who has a very bad habit of picking his nose. How can I stop this habit?
Signed,
Mom of Booger Eater
__________________________________________
Dear MOBE,
Before I answer your question, I have to take a moment to stop dry heaving over my keyboard. I can see this happening to the mother of a 1-year-old or a 2-year-old child, but I’m surprised that you’ve got yourself a 12-year-old snot sucker.
As the mother of a seven-year-old boy, I can only speak to dealing with that level of maturity. I’m pretty good at having reasonable conversations with him. I’m sure you’ve already tried talking sense to the twelve-year-old and trying to rationalize with him (or her). If telling him it’s gross and he won’t have many friends left if he keeps doing this hasn’t discouraged him, you might have to get sort of Tiger Mom on him.
You could go the way of negative reinforcement and threaten to take away everything that he loves. In my house that means screen time — television screens, computer screens, Nintendo DS screens, etc. Or get one those spray bottles of water that people use on cats. Maybe you could just squirt your child every time you catch him or her with a finger up the nose? My college psychology courses suggest that behavior modification works with many lab animals.
If negative reinforcement isn’t your bag, you could opt for positive reinforcement, or as I like to call it, “bribing.” What does your twelve-year-old child covet? Promise a juicy reward if the child can stop him or herself from doing the disgusting deed. Maybe it’s a new bike, a cell phone, a video game … all of his younger sibling’s toys. Whatever it takes to curb this booger burglar.
And to help reduce any physical symptoms that may be contributing to your child’s nasty habit, you could try some preventative medicine. A dry nose may be more tempting to pick, so try putting a humidifier in your child’s room or giving him nose drops to help moisturize the nasal passages.
Beyond that, I’m not entirely sure what else you can do. Quite frankly I thought you’d have to deal with masturbation at this age and not nose picking. I hear the spray water bottle works with that too, by the way.
Good luck,
Mandy, Guest TMH
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The Case of the Gassy Husband
Surprise! It’s Guest Post Thursday! Today we welcome the fabulous Suniverse who blogs about all sorts of funny, interesting things and is always a treat to read. Plus she has sort of a foul mouth, which is always a big plus in my f&*@ing book. Thanks, Suniverse! –Wendi
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband has the worst smelling gas of anyone I know, but he thinks his *stuff* doesn’t stink. He passes gas in front of me all the time, despite my repeated requests for him to stop. The other night, we were lying in bed and he passed the most rancid, foul-smelling gas. In an attempt to be funny, he pulled the covers up over our heads and trapped me underneath. I nearly fainted. I was so upset by this careless, crude action, but he just laughed it off by saying, “Seriously!? Everyone f@rts! What’s the big deal? Lighten up, would you!?” How can I express my discomfort and disgust about his flatulence, without driving a wedge between us? I know gas is only natural, but my husband’s gas is making me want to sleep in a different bedroom.
Signed,
Dying in a Dutch Oven
___________________
Dear Dying in a Dutch Oven,
Guys are pigs. Or dogs. Or some other animal that has a fascination with its own nether regions and whatever comes out of them. Maybe just males in general.
It’s ridiculous, but it’s true. Why do you think guys spend so much time fondling themselves in public where OH MY GOD, DUDE, EVERYONE CAN SEE YOU TOUCHING YOUR JUNK SO JUST STOP IT!
But this is not about that.
Except it is.
Guys seldom get beyond the point in their lives where they realize that body emissions aren’t cool. But your husband has, unfortunately, moved beyond the infantile “pull my finger” idiocy that some people [with XY chromosomes] consider to be the height of hilarity. He thinks that trapping you in his stink is National Lampoon funny.
It’s not, of course. No one thinks that’s funny.
As to what you can do? You need to sit him down and explain that while he might find this amusing and not a big deal, it is a big deal to you and his dismissal of your feelings is hurtful. If he can’t get past the fact that he doesn’t think you have a sense of humor, then just agree that you don’t have a sense of humor. About this topic. And that it’s important to you that he respect your feelings and work with you so that you’re not feeling like he doesn’t care about you at all.
Also, you may suggest that he get himself checked out – that level of stink is not normal and he may need to change his diet. Then take a deep, cleansing breath. You need one.
Good luck,
Suniverse, Guest TMH
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