Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My boyfriend is masturbating when I am home. We have sex 2-3 times a week, and he knows I want more than that, but he still sometimes chooses to masturbate. Is there something wrong with our relationship where he won’t come to me instead?

Don’t get me wrong: I know guys masturbate, and it doesn’t bother me if he does it when I’m “not available” so to speak, but sometimes this interferes with our sex life. I’ll try to initiate and he won’t get hard, or I won’t be able to get him off because he’s already relieved himself. This makes me feel incredibly inadequate.

I’ve told him specifically how him masturbating with me in the next room, awake, and willing, hurts my feelings, but that doesn’t seem to matter. I don’t want to live my life feeling inadequate for the man I love. What should I do?

Signed,

Sexually Frustrated

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Dear Sexually Frustrated,

First let me say that I feel your pain, as can most women at some point in their lives. You are not alone in your feelings of inadequacy, but take heart because all is not lost.

Based on your email, I’m assuming that your boyfriend is fairly open with you about his masturbating, ummm…schedule.  This is a good sign.  This means he feels comfortable with you knowing that he’s in the other room wanking it.  He’s not hiding it or feeling ashamed of what he is doing.  This bodes well for your relationship and probably means he’s not in there watching some kind of deviant porn or having phone sex.

I know it hurts when your man seems more interested in his hand than you.  But it isn’t about you.  It’s about him, getting his rocks off quickly without having to engage in foreplay or worrying about if he’s going to be able to get you off before he’s done. It doesn’t mean he wants to cheat on you, doesn’t love you or doesn’t find you sexually attractive.  In fact, since you’re doing it 2-3 times per week, I would say it’s the exact opposite.

As long as you have a great relationship in all other aspects, he’s not isolating himself from you and doesn’t jerk off more than once or twice a day, then things are probably okay.  Try to remember that men just aren’t as evolved as women (apologies to my husband).  They think about food, sex and cars…not necessarily in that order…with a bit of work, family, and miscellaneous thrown in there. They don’t obsess over things like we do. What I’m saying is that sometimes a wank is just a wank.

Now, if having sex 2-3 times a week is just not cutting it for you (ah, I remember those days), then maybe you need to step up your game. Take the reins, mama!  Initiate a quickie before getting ready for work in the morning.  Send him flirty text messages during the day telling him you can’t wait to get home and do naughty things to him.  Dress up as his favorite fantasy character (Princess Leia in the gold bikini anyone?).  If he watches porn (of course he does), ask him to watch some with you in bed.

And if that doesn’t work, tell him you’ll give him more blow jobs if he stops jerking off so much.  Works for me, every time.

Signed,

Miss Yvonne, Guest TMH

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I am a military wife. We’ve been married for four years and my husband is currently deployed (it has only been 9 months). Since we’ve known each other, our sex life has been really almost non-existent. Every time we’ve had sex, I have initiated everything and to make things worse we never finish either.

He always seems to find an excuse to avoid the subject and only seems to react to it when I get really quiet and he finally realizes it bothers me.

What can I do? How can I help us? Especially when I find his porn collection, and to my surprise, these girls look nothing like me. I am a very feminine, petite Latina/Asian girl while he watches muscular girls with huge breasts.

Should I be freaking out at this point??? The reason I mention the 9 months is because after 9 months of not seeing each other, talking on the phone about how much he misses me and can’t wait to come home and have some ”quality time” with me (if you know what i mean), he came home and didn’t even acknowledge our sex life at all… Can you tell by now I am desperate?

Signed,

Military Wife
____________________________

Dear Military Wife,

This sounds like no fun at all, but try not to freak out just yet. Instead, let’s delve into the murky depths of male psychology.

It’s hard being a man, and not just during ‘flu season. Imagine the pressure: the whole world expects you to be super-horny all the time. This may have been true when you were a teenage boy, but as you get older, well. It’s just not the same any more. Sometimes a nice cup of tea and a sit down seems preferable.

Can most men admit this? Can they heck! Outwardly, they have to keep rambling on like some priapic maniac. Inwardly, they’re wondering what’s wrong with them. Some men just don’t have a very high sex drive. It’s as simple as that.

And after a 9-month gap, imagine the pressure! Your hubby knows you’re expecting a wild explosion of testosterone. Maybe he’s getting a little performance anxiety.

Don’t be perturbed by the porn – in fact, it might give us a bit of a clue about what’s going on here. Could he possibly have you on a bit of a pedestal? Are you maybe the kind of woman that he wants to take good care of, rather than give a good seeing-to? What I mean to say is: you don’t happen to look anything like his mother or his sister, do you?

Unfortunately, the only way to sort this out is the hard way – talking it over. Good luck to you, missus. There’s a good chance he won’t react very well when you first raise the issue. But be gentle, be kind, be persistent, and be ready to turn the other cheek if he gets angry. Explain that this is all because you really, really want him.

We all tend to see sex as very goal-oriented: erection -> orgasm -> ejaculation. Too often, that takes all the fun out of it. Maybe you could try to experiment with some NPS – which means non-penetrative sex, but can also mean no-pressure sex. I love Barbara Carrellas’s Urban Tantra for great tips on mind-blowing things to do with your hands.  And as – ahem – my book shows, you can definitely bring sex back from the dead with some time and effort.

Good luck! Try to keep your sense of humour, and, hey, maybe invest in a little porn stash of your own to pass the time while he’s away?

Betty x
(Who would henceforth like to be known as the Frisky English Housewife)

(post contains an Amazon affiliate link)

Anna has generously offered to give away a signed copy of her book to one of our lucky readers. As well as a $50 Amazon gift card so you can buy even more copies to give to everyone on your gift list! We told you she was awesome.

Now heeeeeere’s a little taste of Anna:

Sprechen Sie Lady Lingo?

Female relationships are a complex and beautiful ecosystem all their own, governed by rules and customs that – to a casual observer – might seem counter-intuitive, contradictory or just plain baffling.

And that’s okay.

I feel the same way when I hear someone speak Portuguese.  To me, it sounds like some kind of smokin’ jazz improvisation.  I wonder at the listener’s ability to decode the meaning, but somehow the message to make sure and buy kitty litter on the way home from the office is received and understood.

It is, of course, all about speaking the language.

One of the things that impressed me most while writing The CHICKtionary was the level of nuance built into female communications.  So much meaning relies on the delivery as well as shared, unspoken understandings about how life works.  (That’s not to say that men’s communications don’t operate on the same level, but as a non-native speaker, I’m reluctant to take a position on that.)

In a typical interaction between women about anything from food to fashion to relationships, a written transcript of the exchange would likely give the reader a misleading impression of the conversation – or even one that is 180 degrees from the truth.

I think this is very cool.  And also kind of funny.

And so I wanted to share with you some of the definitions from the book that highlight what I think is one of the fascinating aspects of female communication:  that all is not what it seems.

Anorexic, adjective

While this adjective is derived from the name of the serious and potentially fatal eating disorder anorexia nervosa, it is often used by women as a compliment.  For instance, if your friend is fretting that her cocktail dress makes her look chubby, the comment, “Are you kidding?  It’s perfect—you look anorexic!” would be met with smiles and thanks.  It’s worth noting that the disease-as-compliment construction seen here is extremely rare and, as of this writing, it is still considered bad form to tell someone that her new jeans make her look “herpes-ish” or “gall-stoned.”

Does This Make Me Look Fat? phrase

A seemingly straightforward yet treacherous question that requires different responses depending on the gender of the person to whom it is addressed.  When asked of a male, the reply must be a swift and emphatic, “No!”  Ideally, this will be followed immediately with glowing modifiers such as, “You look hot!” and “Are you kidding?  You need to gain a few pounds, hon!”  When asked of a female, an honest response is acceptable, provided it is couched in camouflage comments that blame the unflattering appearance on the hateful designer, lousy dressing room lighting, and/or cheap construction of the offending garment.

Friendly, noun

A person who may appear to be a member of your inner circle of friends, but in fact is not.  One level higher than an acquaintance on the friend scale, the friendly may be someone from work, or perhaps a person you talk to each day at the gym, even the neighbor with whom you chat while walking your dog each evening.  There is an invisible barrier between you, however, and whether she realizes it or not, the friendly’s security clearance is restricted.  She may know about the fight you just had with your boyfriend, but she doesn’t know that you put his stupid Rams jersey in the donation box at the Salvation Army . . . because she’s just a friendly.

Hawt, adjective

An affected spelling and pronunciation of the word “hot” associated with teens and tweens as well as those of more advanced age who would like to be identified with youth culture.  A popular term in texting, hawt is used to indicate extreme hotness, also described as attractiveness.  It is worth noting that, with the appropriate sneering delivery, hawt can take on an opposite meaning and become a term of derision, as in, “Oh, my, look at Krysta’s new mom jeans.  Hawt.”

I Hate You, phrase

This is one of those expressions that is, as they say, all in the delivery.  If spoken in a menacing or even straightforward manner, its meaning is, well, pretty clear.  If, on the other hand, it’s exclaimed by one female to another with a seemingly warm or jovial inflection, it becomes a complex expression of admiration and/or envy.  An example of this more subtle use of the phrase might be:  “Omigod, that dress makes you look so skinny!  I hate you!”  It’s important to realize that when someone uses this expression with you she actually does, in some small way, hate you.

Just Kidding, Love You, phrase

This is another phrase that pretends to mean the opposite of what it says (see also:  I hate you), thus allowing the speaker to “take back” the lousy thing she just said to you.  For example, “Chloe, you’re such a bitch—just kidding, love you!”  In order for the speaker to make this line work, the phrase must be accompanied by an aggressive smile and must immediately follow the insult or, better yet, be welded right onto it, as in, “Your hair looks so stupid todayjustkiddingloveyou!”

To enter this super giveaway, please leave a comment telling us who you think is “hawt” and/or tweet about Anna and our giveaway with the hashtag #mouthyhousewives. Contest ends next Tuesday, December 6th. Good luck, chickies!

Take it away, Oh Mandy…

–Kristine, TMH

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have a 12 year old who has a very bad habit of picking his nose. How can I stop this habit?

Signed,

Mom of Booger Eater

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Dear MOBE,

Before I answer your question, I have to take a moment to stop dry heaving over my keyboard. I can see this happening to the mother of a 1-year-old or a 2-year-old child, but I’m surprised that you’ve got yourself a 12-year-old snot sucker.

As the mother of a seven-year-old boy, I can only speak to dealing with that level of maturity. I’m pretty good at having reasonable conversations with him. I’m sure you’ve already tried talking sense to the twelve-year-old and trying to rationalize with him (or her). If telling him it’s gross and he won’t have many friends left if he keeps doing this hasn’t discouraged him, you might have to get sort of Tiger Mom on him.

You could go the way of negative reinforcement and threaten to take away everything that he loves. In my house that means screen time — television screens, computer screens, Nintendo DS screens, etc. Or get one those spray bottles of water that people use on cats. Maybe you could just squirt your child every time you catch him or her with a finger up the nose? My college psychology courses suggest that behavior modification works with many lab animals.

If negative reinforcement isn’t your bag, you could opt for positive reinforcement, or as I like to call it, “bribing.” What does your twelve-year-old child covet? Promise a juicy reward if the child can stop him or herself from doing the disgusting deed. Maybe it’s a new bike, a cell phone, a video game … all of his younger sibling’s toys. Whatever it takes to curb this booger burglar.

And to help reduce any physical symptoms that may be contributing to your child’s nasty habit, you could try some preventative medicine. A dry nose may be more tempting to pick, so try putting a humidifier in your child’s room or giving him nose drops to help moisturize the nasal passages.

Beyond that, I’m not entirely sure what else you can do. Quite frankly I thought you’d have to deal with masturbation at this age and not nose picking. I hear the spray water bottle works with that too, by the way.

Good luck,

Mandy, Guest TMH

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My husband has the worst smelling gas of anyone I know, but he thinks his *stuff* doesn’t stink. He passes gas in front of me all the time, despite my repeated requests for him to stop. The other night, we were lying in bed and he passed the most rancid, foul-smelling gas. In an attempt to be funny, he pulled the covers up over our heads and trapped me underneath. I nearly fainted. I was so upset by this careless, crude action, but he just laughed it off by saying, “Seriously!? Everyone f@rts! What’s the big deal? Lighten up, would you!?” How can I express my discomfort and disgust about his flatulence, without driving a wedge between us? I know gas is only natural, but my husband’s gas is making me want to sleep in a different bedroom.

Signed,

Dying in a Dutch Oven

___________________

Dear Dying in a Dutch Oven,

Guys are pigs.  Or dogs.  Or some other animal that has a fascination with its own nether regions and whatever comes out of them.  Maybe just males in general.

It’s ridiculous, but it’s true. Why do you think guys spend so much time fondling themselves in public where OH MY GOD, DUDE, EVERYONE CAN SEE YOU TOUCHING YOUR JUNK SO JUST STOP IT!

But this is not about that.

Except it is.

Guys seldom get beyond the point in their lives where they realize that body emissions aren’t cool. But your husband has, unfortunately, moved beyond the infantile “pull my finger” idiocy that some people [with XY chromosomes] consider to be the height of hilarity.  He thinks that trapping you in his stink is National Lampoon funny.

It’s not, of course.  No one thinks that’s funny.

As to what you can do?  You need to sit him down and explain that while he might find this amusing and not a big deal, it is a big deal to you and his dismissal of your feelings is hurtful.  If he can’t get past the fact that he doesn’t think you have a sense of humor, then just agree that you don’t have a sense of humor.  About this topic.  And that it’s important to you that he respect your feelings and work with you so that you’re not feeling like he doesn’t care about you at all.

Also, you may suggest that he get himself checked out – that level of stink is not normal and he may need to change his diet. Then take a deep, cleansing breath. You need one.

Good luck,

Suniverse, Guest TMH

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My son has just started preschool. He has a severe peanut allergy and as a result of this the school has instituted a new policy with regard to lunches and snacks, restricting foods that have been made with nuts.

This new policy has made a number of parents angry and worried about what they are now supposed to pack for their kids. To make matters worse the director of the school recently “outed” my son at a parent-teacher meeting as the cause for this new policy.

How do I handle the judgment and frustration I’m getting from these other parents? And how do I get them to understand my son’s problem?

Signed,

Put Down The Pitchforks

______________________________________

Dear Pitchforks,

First of all, I’m very surprised to hear that the preschool didn’t have a no-nuts policy to begin with! This is a global issue that receives a lot of attention, so even if your son is the first child in the school with the peanut allergy — he certainly will not be the last.

Kudos to the policy, you should be proud! Allergies in general have always gotten a bad rap when it comes to taking them seriously, from pollen to bees to peanuts, and with peanut butter being a staple in most American diets — denial is rampant.

Is it a problem that the other parents now have to think creatively outside of the peanut box, sending the tykes off to preschool without their Snickers Bars or peanut butter filled sodium bomb pretzels? Or is it because you are asking people to take the time to read the ingredients?  Because, damn you for making other parents realize what their kids are eating! Apples these days are quite yummy.

But the issue at hand is that your son is different and others are being affected as a result. As with all allergies, everyone needs to take on the “village to raise a child” mentality. This is almost impossible to ask of others, so you’re going to have to take the initiative to show how serious the situation actually is.

In the case of Will, my preschool aged son, who is not only allergic to peanuts but also eggs, cow’s milk, tree nuts, strawberries and bananas, I offer to bring in snacks for the whole class. I also generated a list of alternative foods and brands for his teachers and other parents –to alert them that on the grocery shelf right next to the pretzels that were manufactured in a facility that handles peanuts, there is usually another brand that is completely peanut-free.

A simple switch in brands is relatively painless even for the parents most resistant to change. In addition, there are numerous resources online that make dealing with this issue even easier. Helping the other parents to understand will make them feel more comfortable, and it won’t hurt your standing with the teachers at the next parents night either.

Once people are shown how easy it can be to manage the allergy list, their eyes kind of find their way back into their sockets. Unfortunately, as with life, there are always going to be the haters that refuse to change and fight about conforming to new policies — if only it were a perfect world!

Signed,

Ryan, Guest Mouthy Housewife

And just recently, Megan created an online tutorial that guides you through the art of craft photography, so it looks like there might be hope for the rest of us!

Today, she’s got some insight for a bride-to-be that is competing for the attention of her soon-to-be groom with her in-laws. Take it away, Megan! –Kristine

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My fiancé and I wanted a private wedding ceremony this fall, but his parents found out and were extremely upset. They tried guilting him into involving at least their family, completely disregarding our wishes for a wedding we are paying for. Thankfully he has somewhat fended for us, but he did so by lying to them, telling his family that we are not getting married until next summer with a “traditional” wedding. (But the truth is that we’re just going to go through with it without telling anyone.)

Cue more problems. Our secret wedding is next month and everything was looking well until his vacation time had the possibility of being obliterated. He told his supervisor that he really needs the time off, but refuses to tell them that it’s due to us getting married because…wait for it…his dad works at the same company! I get that he wants to not upset his family until after we’ve already gone through with it, but I find it pretty ridiculous that he feels he can’t fight for his vacation. He seems more concerned about their feelings than the possibility all our wedding plans may get royally screwed.

He tells me I’m overreacting, but I don’t know. We are starting a family, and yet it feels it is being somewhat controlled by his family. What do you think?

Sincerely,

Sidelined Bride

__________________________________________

Dear Sidelined Bride,

Congrats on your upcoming nuptials! As someone who eloped in Hawaii, I understand the allure of a low-cost/low-stress “private” wedding ceremony. I also appreciate how challenging it can be when the family gets wind of the plans and then tries to change them. From their point of view, a wedding is a day to be shared with loved ones. From yours, it’s an intimate, private occasion. Your fiancé’s point of view is…well…what, exactly? I’m sure you two are both stoked about starting your lives together, but if he’s waffling about taking time off to get married, we’ve got a wee issue.

Would the Princess Bride have been the romantic cinematic benchmark it was if Westley had said, “As long as it’s ok with my parents” instead of “As you wish?”

I’m not saying your fiancé needs to prove his love by bowing to your every request, but I think you two need to be on the same page when it comes to the kind of wedding you are actually having. I’m guessing that if he lied to his family and said there would be a traditional wedding next summer, a teeny weenie part of him WANTS that. While it is your day, “mawwage” is full of compromise; so understanding what’s really important to the both of you should be laid out on the table before the rings are exchanged. Maybe you guys sneak off and have your quickie ceremony (if that’s what you’re both into) and then plan a family-friendly reception next summer complete with vow-reenactment and Andre the Giant ablaze outside the church. It may feel like the in-laws are pulling the strings, but if you and Westley (or, whatever your fiancé’s name is) are united as a team, everything else will fall into place.

Talk it out, really listen to each other, and have fun storming the castle!

xoxo
Megan, Guest TMH

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I just became Room Mom of my daughter’s Pre-K class. I didn’t really want to do it, but nobody else volunteered. The first event I did—a Welcome Breakfast–was a simple affair because the kids are still young and I didn’t have a lot of time to organize. I thought it was fine, but now I hear that a lot of the moms were making fun of the event and calling it a “Cheap Breakfast.” Should I say something to them? Make sure the next thing I do is nicer? Hit them with my car? This is all new to me and I’m panicking!

Signed,

Dubious Room Mom

________________________

Dear Dubious,

Wow, and congratulations! Room mom is quite an accomplishment. But be honest, nobody else volunteered? Or did the other moms duck to avoid the flying clipboard you knocked out of your rival’s unsuspecting hands? Maybe not, but anyone who uses the words “event” and “affair” to describe a social event for five-year-olds could be headed down the perilous path of the PTA Queen Bee. Be careful, my friend.

To your question, may I ask who you’re trying to please? Because half those kids would be happy sucking on a glue stick. If it’s the moms’ approval you’re after—good luck with that. Seriously, what’s wrong with a cheap breakfast? What did they expect—scrambled eggs Benedict and Poptarts with the crusts cut off? Were you supposed to spend hours cutting fruit into animal shapes and arranging it on skewers? (Never introduce sharp objects, by the way. You don’t want to arm these women.)

As for what other moms are saying about your efforts, unless you heard this with your own ears, beware of the messenger. She is likely a drama-seeking, pot-stirring, soap opera-watching, bored out of her mind bitch who masks her menace in concern. Maybe she sounds something like this: “Cindy should keep her big mouth shut, except she can’t, on account of the Botox. Bless her heart.”

Or is it more like: “How does it feel when everyone in the whole entire school thinks you’re a cheap skank who doesn’t love her kids enough to buy the real French Toastix?”

Either way, she is not your friend.

And finally, if you’re panicking because you think other moms’ impressions of you will impact your child, let me assure you, they will. These power moms determine who gets the good teachers, the last chocolate milk, and the lead in the school talent show. This is the Big Leagues, Baby. But if you want to play with the mommy elite, you play by their rules, which include conforming to ludicrous standards for the preschool social hour. That said, never EVER waste valuable time endearing yourself to mean moms when you could be sucking up to the teacher instead. Priorities, Rookie.

Managing the academic and social life of your children is difficult, but any woman who navigated the horrors of her own middle school is fit for the task. Hold your head high, toss some grapes in a bowl, and bust out the grocery store muffins. Bottom line, relax. Otherwise you risk turning yourself into one of those bitches I sometimes accidently bump with my car.

Love,

Lela, Guest TMH

____________________________________________________

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’m in trouble and I really need some clear perspective on my problem, ’cause my brain feels like jelly right now…really thick, dark kind of kelly.  I’ve been with my husband for 13 years, married for the last 8 years and we have a 2 year old boy. I’ve been a SAHM since he was born.  My husband and I have had our ups and downs, like everyone else, and the last couple of years have been difficult.  I thought we loved each other enough to get through it all, it seems I was wrong.

While working on my PC, I discovered some cookies with addresses of sites for adults only…and one of those addresses led me to a site which connects people who are searching for sex partners available near our location.  Since my husband and I are the only ones who use this PC, my heart stopped.

I’ve confronted him about it, but he denies everything, his explanation being that it must be a virus on the computer. And I don’t know what to believe or to do. I feel angry, sad, lost…Please put me out of my misery and offer me some guidance.

Signed,

What Now?

______________________________

Dear What Now,

First things first: Do you want your husband to stay or do you want your husband to go?

Normally, I’d suggest an honest heart-to-heart, but I can see that’s not going to work here. A virus? Please. The only virus here is the douchebag bug that’s infected your husband.

If you find it in your heart to forgive him, remind me to send you a medal. Personally, I’d rather bust my own kneecaps than forgive a man who’s trolling the internet for sex with strangers. Ask yourself: are you okay with this happening again? Is this the kind of behavior you want your son to learn? Are you teaching your son that this kind of tomfoolery is okay if you stay? (Answer key: No, No, Yes.)

If we were sitting across from each other, this is where I would supply you with several cocktails, take your hand, and tell you this-

Homegirl, let’s keep it real. Life is too short and your time is too limited to put off being happy and secure for any longer. If you choose to move on with your marriage, you’ll become obsessed with checking his mobile devices, computer, and mail. You won’t be living your own life. You’ll be trapped into making sure another person is living their life correctly. And that’s just not something you can do.

This is all coming from a place of someone who truly gets what you’re going through. I spent too many sleepless nights being miserable over a partner’s deceit before I made the choice to let him go. You know what? He’s still the same person today. An asshole. Letting him go was one of the best decisions I ever made. More importantly, it freed me to meet the right person.

I want that for you. You deserve it.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My boyfriend told me that he wants us to tattoo our each other’s names on our bodies. I’m not into it. Now he’s all hurt. I do love him, but I don’t love the idea. I think it’ll hurt and his name is long. Also, I’m 35. Isn’t it too old to start inking? My kids would flip.

Signed,

Ink-Free
_____________________________________

Dear Ink-Free,

I don’t blame you for being hesitant to tattoo a boyfriend’s name on your body. You’re right . . . tattoos hurt. But you know what hurts even worse? Tattoo removal.

I think one red flag to me in this scenario is that he is your boyfriend, not your husband. You haven’t even made the commitment of walking down the aisle together, so why would you want to permanently put his name on your body? Your hesitancy is completely reasonable.  The fact that his feelings are hurt is also concerning. Does he want to brand you? Or control you? Will he feelings be hurt every time you don’t comply with a crazy-ass request?

Even if he was your husband, though, my advice would be the same. DON’T DO IT. I’ve been a marriage and family therapist for 10 years, and the only thing more predictable in leading to the break-up of a marriage than sleeping with someone else? Getting a tattoo of your partner’s name*. It is almost inevitable that you break up. The name tattoo is the ultimate relationship jinx. Think you’ve found your soul mate? Tattoo his name on your arm and let me know how things are going in a year.

If you are really keen on tattoos, then you should get a tattoo. Not because he wants you to, but because you want to have a tattoo on your body. My sister-in-law’s grandma is 82 and just got a tattoo of Betty Boop on her arm – you’re never too old to ink. If you want to have something meaningful to this particular relationship, make it symbolic enough that it’s not completely specific to one person. Something that can stand alone when or if you break up. Something that you don’t have to explain in your next relationship, or to your future children with someone by another name.

And please, for the love of all things design, no vine of roses around the ankle or tribal symbols on your lower back. We’ve seen enough of those, haven’t we? Pinterest is a great place to get inspiration for tasteful, modern tattoos. They also have great ideas for crafting. Maybe needle-pointing his name on a pillow would be a more practical solution.

Sincerely,

Kristen, Guest TMH

*This fact has not been verified by actual science