Was It Good For You, Too? Was it? WAS IT?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My boyfriend and I recently started dating, though we have been friends for many years. The problem is now that we are sleeping together, he seems to need constant reassurance about his sexual proficiency–both in and out of the bedroom. While I think we have great sex, I am totally turned off by his insecurity and I kind of resent having to constantly reassure him. Now, rather than enjoy myself, I am always worried whether I communicate my satisfaction emphatically enough. (Honestly, if I get any MORE emphatic I’m afraid the neighbors will call the cops.)
I understand that we all need reassurance sometimes, but is there some magic phrase that will make him actually hear me when I say it’s great instead of fishing for more compliments? I want to be his girlfriend, not his life coach.
Signed,
Get oh-oh-over it
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Dear Get oh-oh over it,
I assume lighting up a post-coital cigarette isn’t a clear message of satisfaction to your boyfriend, so here’s what I suggest you do. Find a vacant billboard on the busiest street in your city and rent it out with the message, “YES, IT WAS GOOD FOR ME TOO, JOHN!”
If that isn’t enough for your boyfriend, my next suggestion is for your boyfriend to watch Dr. Phil. With deep, sage advice such as, “You’re only lonely if you’re not there for you,” I’m sure your boyfriend will be feeling sexually secure and confident in no time. Or possibly he’ll just feel confused like I do, because what in the world does Dr. Phil’s quote even mean?
And if neither of those suggestions will work, I suppose we can hope your boyfriend will naturally grow more sexually secure the longer you date. If he doesn’t, I say dump him before the co-dependent hook sinks so deep you need the Jaws of Life to extricate yourself from the relationship. Co-dependency is not a relationship game you want to play.
Besides, as Dr. Phil says, “You cannot be who and what you are unless you have a lifestyle, both internally and externally, that is designed to support that definition of self.”
(I don’t know really what that means either.)
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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Don’t Expect Me To Stroke Your Ego
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Over two years ago, I briefly dated a guy I dubbed “Flaky Jon” after his on-again/off-again interests. I finally told him to stop emailing me when he felt down, and to get his ego stroked somewhere else. Well, after a year of zero contact, he just emailed me through Facebook (where I am now going to block him). But I went to look at his page, I saw his posts of him with his girlfriend and their barfy sweet messages back and forth on his public wall.
So now I’m asking myself, what part of “don’t contact me just to get your ego stroked” doesn’t he get? Why email me to say “just thought of you and hope you’re doing well” when you’re happily dating someone and we were never friends outside of the failed dating attempt? What is the purpose of that? I don’t get it and am hoping you can shed some light on this mysterious and annoying behavior.
Signed,
I Don’t Stroke Egos
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Dear Don’t Stroke Egos,
I’m so glad you wrote in because it has reminded me to never contact an old boyfriend. Oh crap, too late. I already did. I should delete my Facebook profile; how will I ever live this down? He probably thinks my marriage is on the rocks and that I suffer from a fragile ego.
It’s unfortunate that Apple has yet to develop an iPhone telepathy app, or I would tell you exactly why Flaky Jon contacted you. Instead, we’ll have to use conjecture and projection.
It could be he is using Facebook messaging as a preemptive booty call. He wants to keep the back door open just in case things don’t work out with his sweet and barfy girlfriend.
Or it could be he contacted you for the same innocent reasons I’ve contacted old flames (hint: it isn’t because I want to dry hump them like it’s 1991 all over again.) Of the few I’ve emailed, it’s for one of two reasons. A) I genuinely liked them as a person, not just as a meat stick, and I’m curious as to how they are doing in life. Or B) I want to know if they got fat, especially if they dumped me.
So maybe Flaky Jon wants a back-up girlfriend, maybe he just wants to see if you’ve gotten fat. (And if you have, I don’t blame you for blocking him.) Until Apple develops that telepathy app, we’ll never know for sure.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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Don’t Keep Up With These Joneses. She’ll Turn You Into the IRS
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My sister married a real jerk. He’s constantly one-upping everything we all do and making comments about what we are all doing wrong. Well, we found out he’s cheating the IRS and turned him in for tax fraud. Am I an awful sister??
Signed,
Family Stool Pigeon
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Dear Family Stool Pigeon,
I would tell you to sit down for my answer, but you are only going to jump up again so don’t bother.
Yes, you are an awful sister.
Really? You ratted out your brother-in-law to the IRS? And you’re calling him the jerk. Hmmm.
Did you stop to consider how he is going to one-up you on that?
He’ll probably plant a few kilos of cocaine in your car and then call the cops on you. Or worse, he’ll put a dead body in your basement and turn you in to CSI Miami. I’d be scared if I were you, very scared.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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Karate Kid Said “Wax On, Wax Off” But He Wasn’t Referring To Lady Bits
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m back on the dating market after a long, drawn-out divorce and eager to meet a new guy. I know this is a little ridiculous, but my question is: do men prefer natural hair down below, or the 100% waxed, Brazilian look? And why?
Signed,
To Wax or Not to Wax
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Dear Wax No Wax,
Here at the Mouthy Housewives, we go that extra mile for our readers. So I decided to conduct a formal research project by polling men on this topic. I selected all of the men in my Facebook friends list and asked if they preferred a nude hoo-haa or a naturally hairy one and why. Two days later I find myself with no male friends on Facebook. I don’t understand what happened?
But who needs Facebook?! While at the library, I polled the men who happened to be there that day, which most were on an outing from an assisted living facility. I don’t think the elderly know what a Brazlian wax job is because they kept telling me to wash my mouth out with soap. What does that have to do with pubic hair?
In the end I could only get poll results from my husband and one of his friends. My research shows the following:
50% of men prefer a well-groomed natural look since a fully denuded hoo-haa reminds them of a prepubescent girl.
50% of men prefer a Brazilian waxed hoo-haa for its cleanliness and ease of maneuverability.
Are you wondering what in the world “ease of maneuverability” means in terms of lady bits? Me too! Then I realized that particular male subject is a close descendant of Sasquatch, thus having enough body hair for two people. Add any more hair into the mix and the friction creates a fire hazard.
So unless you are dating Sasquatch’s great great-grandson, I say it’s up to you. Some women swear the Brazilian upkeep brings more pleasure, and while I don’t reject the hypothesis, I do reject the pain, especially if the man doesn’t reciprocate by also waxing his manly bits. A full Brazilian, a bushy Sasquatch, or somewhere in between, discover your preference and forget the men.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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Married to a Porn King
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m 28 and have been married for 2 years. The problem is that since we got married, we’ve had sex all of 15 times. (I’m counting!) We had premarital sex and he enjoyed it then; it was the first time for both of us.
But now he is full of excuses! When we go to bed, he’s tired, has a headache, or hurt himself “down there” while bathing, etc. I’m sure he isn’t cheating on me. Instead, he has the largest collection of porn in the city, and he spends a lot of time watching it. He masturbates enough, so everything must work “down there.”
When I ask why we don’t have sex, he says I don’t turn him on anymore. Other than the sex, he’s a great husband. But I’m still worried about our sex life and if I’m doing something to turn him off.
Can you help?
Signed,
Wife of Porn King
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Dear Wife of Porn King,
Some people might advise you to make more of an effort to entice your husband, such as buying a wardrobe of kinky lingerie and practicing Kama Sutra. But then, some people are prime candidates for a lobotomy.
Others might tell you to turn the porn viewing into a couple’s experience and join him in the masturbation fest. But then again, others need their brain rewired through electric shock treatments.
I, on the other hand, believe in taking the spiritual path to solve problems large and small, so I consulted the holiest of holy books, The Bible. In it, I found sage advice, which I think applies to your situation.
In OMFG 2:15, it said this:
Get thyself to a marriage counselor quickithly
I recommend you follow the scripture.
It also can’t hurt to drive your husband down to Hattiesburg, MS and let him room with Tiger Woods at the residential treatment center; it sounds like they have some things in common. Who knows, maybe your husband can not only get help with his porn addiction (it sounds as if he is addicted) but also on his golf swing too.
That’s the best I can do for you, oh Lady Wife of the Porn King. We Mouthy Housewives are astute when it comes to human behavior, but we’re also smart enough to know when a problem needs professional help, and sex addictions fall into that category.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
P.S. What in the world is your husband bathing with, a Brillo pad?
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