This Mother’s Day Leave Me Alone!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
It’s Mother’s Day and all I want is to be away from my kids. Is that wrong?
Signed,
Really, Not Chocolate. Away from My Kids
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Dear Away,
Wrong is such a harsh word. And Motherhood is so tricky. Kids, don’t even get us started!
Since we’re still busy celebrating our first birthday, we turned to some of our favorite experts for their morsels of wisdom on the subject. Let’s see what they had to say.
Hell to the NO!!! You carried them, birthed them, clothed them, fed them, bandaged them, comforted them, EVERYTHINGED them (yes, that’s a word.) So, YOU deserve a break. The end. – Scary Mommy
Yes, that’s terrible. You are a horrible person. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TAKE ME WITH YOU. – Laura
You should have everything your heart desires on Mother’s Day, except for an affair with your kid’s soccer coach with the chiseled thighs, because that would be just awkward for everyone. – Deb on the Rocks
If that is wrong, I don’t wanna be right. My Mother’s Day will involve sweet tea vodka, naked alone time, and thankfulness that my kids are teens and can entertain themselves all afternoon. Carpe diem, doll! - The Checkout Girl
Not only isn’t it wrong, some people create an entire event specifically for that purpose! -Ann’s Rants
Why would I want to be apart from my kid when I finally got him to mix the drinks properly? -Stephanie
Sanity. n. 1. The condition of wanting to be away from your kids so as to enjoy a quiet meal, think your own thoughts without a million interruptions and remember the inner workings of yourself.
2. Recognition of the inner need for unadulterated adult company.
3. [insert picture of you]. syn. [insert picture of me].
See also, clarity; someone you want to spend time with; ability to avoid living vicariously though your children; humanity; rationality
Not to be confused with lack of joy or passion for time spent with your children. - Anymommy
Yes! Shame on you. As a punishment you have to take my kids on Mother’s Day. I have plans. – Princess Mikimoto
Jam those blue carnations in a vase, put on your new macaroni necklace and get yourself to a spa. Mother’s Day is your only day off of the year. – Smacksy
It’s only wrong if you’re planning on spending it with your online lover’s kids. – Jennifer, Playgroups Are Not for Children.
It’s only wrong if you leave traces of the adhesive used to contain them. Never ever leave proof. – Carolyn Online
So there you have it. The women have spoken. You are in the clear. Enjoy! And have a happy Mother’s Day.
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Merry Christmas…In March?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My friend sent Christmas gifts to my kids in December. Now it’s March, and I don’t know what happened, but I just found the package. So now, not only did I not reciprocate with gifts to her kids, but my kids did not acknowledge her gifts. I’m so embarrassed, I just can’t deal with this. Help me!
Signed,
Presents from the Past
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Dear Presents from the Past,
Just how messy is your house? Or maybe it’s not messy, it’s just one of those McMansions that has more rooms than a high-security federal prison and therefore random things like your children can go missing for days and days. (And if so, can I move in?)
But here’s the thing: in my house, there’s no freaking WAY a present could ever be lost for more than a minute because my kids have Supernatural Gift Radar. Seriously, if you’re ever stranded on a desert island, wrap up a rock in a banana leaf and put a pretty fishbone bow on it. Boom! My boys will have rescue ships to you before you can say, “Is that a crab in my pants or are the sailors just making me feel tingly?”
But let’s assume your children aren’t grubby gift hunters like mine, and that somehow this present honestly got lost in the shuffle. You could either throw your friend a line like, “Oh, my gosh. Did I tell you that someone robbed our house in December and I just had to buy it all back from some Russian mobster on eBay? Weird, huh? By the way, thanks for the Zhu Zhu pets!”
Or you could just be honest. Go over to her house with handwritten thank-you notes from both you and your kids, a gift for her children, and a very chagrined look on your face. If she’s a friend and a mom, she’ll understand that sometimes things can get overlooked in the hectic pace of life. It probably won’t be long before it becomes an old, running joke between the two of you.
Next year, make sure you have a special place in your house to put all the gifts you receive. And if that still doesn’t work, just give my boys a call. They could find Jimmy Hoffa if he were gift-wrapped.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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Single Again on Valentine’s Day
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Valentine’s Day is coming up and naturally, I’m still single. I was asked to a Valentine’s dinner with all other single women and it’s a good friend of mine so I feel obligated to go. But honestly, I find it very depressing to sit around with a bunch of single women on Valentine’s day. How do I get out of this without hurting her feelings?
Signed,
Is it February 14th again?
______________________
Dear February 14th,
I’m all for a single girls’ night out. On any night BESIDES Valentine’s Day. First of all, there is no safe haven on Valentine’s Day. Every restaurant, every movie theater, even every 7-11 is packed with doey-eyed couples. And you should not have to stare at some boyfriend/girlfriend sharing a cherry slurpee while groping each other.
Because before you know it, you’ll be drunk on Valentine’s Day candy, tracking down that guy on Facebook you blew off years ago because he just smelled weird, just so you can go on a date. It won’t be pretty.
So don’t go out.
Even if your friend is having everyone over to her house, it’s still not a good idea. Because you just know you’ll have to make a quick stop for gas and of course you’ll run into your ex. Who’s driving a Lexus. With his girlfriend in the passenger seat. Who happens to be a swimsuit model.
A single girl can not undergo that kind of stress.
So just explain to your friend that you’d love do a dinner thing very soon (and put a date on the calendar) but you’d rather pretend Valentine’s Day is not happening at all. Then stay at home, order in some sushi and watch “The Hangover.” Go to bed early and it will all be over.
And one of these days, you will be running around town and you’ll need to stop for gas. And suddenly you’ll meet a really cute single guy who’s filling up his BMW. Turns out, he’s just the kind of guy that you can imagine sharing a slurpee.
And all of a sudden you’ll be the girl getting roses on Valentine’s Day. Except by that point, you won’t care anymore because you’ve got a great new boyfriend and Valentine’s Day is just a stupid, commercial holiday.
Until then,
Wishing you a happy February 15th!
Kelcey, TMH
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Surviving School Holidays
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! If ‘wonderful’ means I’ve gained back 5 pounds already from all the fudge and my children began driving me crazy on the very first day of school vacation. So I thought I would remind all of us of these school holiday survival tips.
See you on the other side of the holidays! (I hope.)
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Nobody Likes a Show Off. Or Do They?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
The moms at my children’s school are very competitive, and each year they give their kids’ teachers very expensive holiday gifts. I’m talking James Avery jewelry, etc. I don’t want to spend that much just to keep up with them, but I don’t want my kids to not be treated as well because we haven’t buttered up the teacher. What should I do?
Signed,
Not Hot For Teacher’s Gifts
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Dear Not Hot For Teacher’s Gifts,
Last I heard, it’s not legal to change a child’s grade because his mother gave the teacher peanut butter cookies for Christmas and not a Marc Jacobs pocketbook. However, if the teacher has a peanut allergy, well, that’s a different story because chances are she’ll be dead by the time report cards are due, anyway. Then you can sleep at night knowing that although you killed an innocent person, at least you didn’t spend hundreds of dollars on her and only to get nothing in return.
“Luckily” for me, my daughter goes to public school in California where the idea of a balanced budget with enough left over to educate the children is but a mere pipe dream. I’m not saying it can’t happen, I’m just saying that it’s more likely that I’ll be the first Jewish, over forty, under-medicated woman to ever win a gold medal in ice-dancing, before it does.
As a result, all the parents at the school are asked to donate hundreds of dollars to help buy things like paper and pencils and hand sanitizer, therein leaving very little cash for them to drop a few “Benjamins” on a Tiffany tennis bracelet for little Ms. Applebee.
Sadly, no one knows better than a teacher about what it’s like to not make much money. These men and women are grossly overworked and underpaid and quite frankly, I think that showing them kindness and offering to help them out in the classroom will give you the same leg up as those who do nothing besides traipse in once a year dangling a bag from a store where the average item would cost the teacher an entire day’s pay.
Good luck!
Jessica, TMH
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