Happy New Year’s Resolutions!
It’s that time again! We bid farewell to the old year, greet the new and make resolutions that are both unrealistic and unattainable! 2012 is going to be huge!
This year we’re putting our Mouthy Housewives twist on it by offering some of our personal New Years Resolutions and we hope that writing them down will make us stick to them. Out of fear of public mocking, if nothing else. So let’s go:
In 2012, Marinka resolves to:
Stop saying 44 is the new 27! And not just because she’ll turn 44 and 12 months in 2012.
Acknowledge that she will never be able to say “dope” “phat” “ya’ll” “beyach” or any other word that’s not indigenous to her.
Ease up on the “I’m sort of a vegan” proclamations. Especially while fondling a BigMac.
Wendi resolves to:
Finally tell the mean wench in her neighborhood that if she’s going to wear a tennis skirt every day, she should at least own a mothereffin’ racket.
Stop pronouncing “self-deprecating” like “self-depreeciating.”
Cook one entire meal that doesn’t involve either a) the microwave or b) a powder packet or c) sobbing by a family member.
Continue to look like Tracey Gold’s DUI mugshot because that’s just hot.
Tonya resolves to:
Stop trying to convince salespeople their jeans are defective due to the massive excess “skinnage” that is created when she forces herself into a size 4. (She could wear a size 4! You don’t know!)
Cease and desist all efforts to contact, hang out with, and, or, become BFFs with Lindsay Lohan. Probably.
Find a better place to hide the bodies. The folks at CVS are starting to pay more attention to their freezer section.
Amp up her total “Gangsta” image with a stint on the inside. Or, at least, just say she did a nickel.
Kristine resolves to:
Finally get around to canceling that gym membership!
Read more. Starting with her bank statements. And maybe OK! Magazine.
Spend more quality time with the children. And probably bathe them more frequently, because holy cow, kids stink.
Kelcey resolves:
To order less sushi. Because she has a kitchen. With a stove and stuff.
To go to bed earlier so she can be less cranky during the day. Because it’s not necessary to be up at 12:30 am comparing prices on flights to Paris. Because she’s not going to Paris. For a very long time.
To be a little more kind to her husband. Because saying things like, “How is it possible that you still don’t know what the kids eat for lunch?! Seriously, HOW IS IT POSSIBLE?!” is apparently not loving.
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Please share your New Year’s Resolutions with us. We can be strong together in the New Year!
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What Should I Do Before I Die? I Mean, Turn Forty?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I need your advice! I’ll be 40 in about 15 months. Instead of making a bucket list, I’m making a Things-To-Do-Before-I’m-40-List. Do you have any ideas?
Signed,
I’m Not Dying, I’m Living!
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Dear I’m Not Dying,
Hoo-boy! You’ve come to the right place, woman. If there’s nothing I love more, it’s making lists! That are in numbers of ten! And double-spaced! In alphabetical order!
::washes hands::
Now, I suppose the importance of this list is to make the most of your thirties before you turn 40 and lose most of your street cred, is that right? Because might I just use this opportunity to remind you that 40 is the new 30. (Or, so I’ve heard. I’m 32 so this may all be before my time.)
That said, here’s some ideas to add to your list:
1. Buy a family cemetery plot.
2. Conceive a child.
3. Have a medical exam for life insurance.
…wait…this isn’t the type of list you were thinking of, is it? Let’s try again.
1. Go to Vegas with your girlfriends and do something scandalous. (Bring extra cash for bail money. Watch the movie The Hangover for inspiration.)
2. Send those amateur photos to Playboy!
3. Enlist in the Air National Guard as resident cougar.
4. Go streaking through your kitchen. (I mean, you COULD go through your neighborhood, but the next block party might be awkward. You are nearly forty, after all.)
5. Everyone puts skydiving on their list, so take it a step further and steal a plane!
6. Adopt a bunch of cats and really freak out your family and neighbors.
7. Are kids still piercing themselves these days? If so, pierce a nipple! If not, do it anyway and bring sexy back.
8. Track down Justin Timberlake and ask him what the hell “bringing sexy back” even means.
9. Reconnect with an old friend. That old hag probably still has your favorite sweater anyway.
10. Make a new friend! (Preferably with an older woman so as to highlight your own youth and beauty!)
My OCD prevents me from lengthening this list much further, but I’m confident our readers will have some excellent ideas for your milestone birthday in the comments! Right readers?
Happy almost-birthday!
Kristine, TMH
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My Mother Is a Soda Pusher!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My parents are staying with us over the holidays and although I’m happy to have them with us and my children adore them, I’m not happy that my mother tries to get the kids to drink soda.
I’m not a health nut, but we do not drink soda and I see no reason to give any to my 3 and 5 year old children.
I’ve talked to my mother about this in past years (she brings the soda with her, and doles it out as a special treat) and she said that she doesn’t know what the big deal is.
She thinks I’m being the food police. What do you think?
Signed,
Sodaless
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Dear Sodaless,
How can you possibly be the food police if what you’re monitoring is your children’s beverage intake? Or is the beverage police a unit of the larger food police force? And is Sipowitz part of that particular task force? Because I’m still not over seeing his butt on NYPD Blue.
I do know that as a parent you have a right to determine what your children get to eat and drink. And your mother doesn’t get to overrule you.
I don’t blame you for nixing soda in your home. It has absolutely no health benefits and there’s a lot to show that it’s bad for children. (If it’s part of their daily diet. A once-a-year soda, even once a month soda is probably ok.)
Your mother may think that it is more than ok and that you are depriving your children of their constitutional right to sugar and carbonation. She can think that all she wants but she can’t substitute her values for yours and make decisions for your children.
It is also not ok for her to disregard your wishes. What if she decides one day that your children need to wear matching Christmas sweaters with reindeer appliques? Then what are you going to do?
You should talk to your mother again, perhaps in advance of her visit. Let her know that although you appreciate the time she spends with your children and you value their relationship, you are concerned about the studies that have been coming out regarding sweetened beverage consumption and childhood obesity and diabetes. If you need more ammunition, blame New York City (everyone else does) and their anti-soda posters.
I'll have a glass of water, please. Thank you.
I suspect that your mother may be trying to find a special treat that she can share with grandchildren—a forbidden fruit, so to speak, that will win them over. Suggest to her that spending time doing a favorite activity (singing Justin Bieber songs? Playing Trouble?) would be a lot better for the children’s health and the grandmother-grandchildren relationship in the long run. And if she still insists on the forbidden fruit, consider persimmon.
Good luck,
Marinka, TMH
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The Mouthy Housewives Help You Pack For The Holidays!
With the holidays upon us, some of us Mouthy Housewives are going to visit family. It’s crucial to pack everything one might need. To make sure nothing is forgotten it’s important to make a survival kit…err…..list.
Here are a few things we will be tucking away in our suitcase:
1. Valium – in case the booze is running low or the spouse needs a ‘time out.’
2. Elephant tranquilizer darts and spit gun – for when things get heated but you don’t want to get up because you finally grabbed the chair next to the plate of cookies.
3. Excedrine – for the migraines that come with sitting through another five hours of Aunt Sally describing her bowel surgery…again.
4. Ear plugs – for the plane ride and also to drown out annoying children, who may or may not be yours. Probably yours.
5. Zombie survival guide – because a zombie apocalypse is eerily close to what happens when the in-laws and extended families come together.
6. War and Peace (or any hefty masterpiece) – so that you can call out “I’ll be right there, almost done!” often.
7. Smelling salts – in case of a fainting spells brought on by too much togetherness, um, happiness.
8. Voodoo doll kit – no reason.
9. A shearling coat with a fleece lining to wear indoors because your mother-in-law moved to Florida to be warm but keeps the thermostat at a very refreshing 50 degrees.
10. Your gymnastics trophy from 5th grade so when your siblings start talking about their PhD’s, you have something to brag about too.
11. Your Justin Bieber musical toothbrush because it just isn’t the holidays until you’ve had a Bieber dance off in the bathroom with your Uncle Herbert.
12. Pencil and paper, a calculator and an abacus – because although family-time, holiday travel and preparations can be trying and exhausting, we know how lucky we are and we never stop counting our blessings.
13. And, of course, the gifts! If you’re like us and waited until the last minute, it’s going to be ok, we can give you some help on that too!
Happy Holidays from The Mouthy Housewives!
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Threat Regret
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Over a month ago I threatened my 5 kids that still live at home (I have 8 total) that unless they cleaned their rooms and the upstairs hall we would NOT get a Christmas Tree. The younger 3 girls replied ‘we don’t care—we are getting a tree at Dad’s!’
(*&$%^) !!!!
Now, I have stuck to my guns, yet am crying inside …. I need a tree!
Signed,
O Tannenbaum!
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Dear O,
Welcome to Threat Regret. Threat Regret occurs almost immediately after you’ve issued a threat that you know you cannot carry out or the carrying out of which will punish you more than the kids.
Every parent there has experienced Threat Regret. Even me.
Last week I told my kids that if they didn’t fold their laundry by the time I counted to three–ok, ten (thousand)–they wouldn’t be allowed to watch TV and the Good Lord in Heaven help me, I was going to cancel the trip to see their grandparents for Christmas, no matter how much I’d hate missing out on holiday air travel.
Then I had to take it back. Stupid adulthood.
I had to say things like “sometimes, mommy gets very angry and says things that she shouldn’t. What mommy should have done is taken a deep cleansing breath and thought of a better consequence for your self-centered and lazy behavior. Mommy will think of that consequence now and also will start speaking in the first person.”
Then I’d sit around pensively while the kids wondered what I was up to. (Spoiler alert: I was sitting wondering how long I had to sit around looking pensive.)
The point is, if you’re experiencing Threat Regret, admit to making a mistake. I hear it makes children see their parents as humans and not just god-like creatures.
Get the tree and enjoy it.
Or get the tree and insist that it’s yours only. Any time you see one of the kids looking at the tree and enjoying it, yell “avert eyes! avert eyes until your room and upstairs are cleansed!”
Happy Treeing!
And have the kids sweep up the needles.
Marinka, TMH
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