Merry Christmas…In March?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My friend sent Christmas gifts to my kids in December. Now it’s March, and I don’t know what happened, but I just found the package. So now, not only did I not reciprocate with gifts to her kids, but my kids did not acknowledge her gifts. I’m so embarrassed, I just can’t deal with this. Help me!
Signed,
Presents from the Past
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Dear Presents from the Past,
Just how messy is your house? Or maybe it’s not messy, it’s just one of those McMansions that has more rooms than a high-security federal prison and therefore random things like your children can go missing for days and days. (And if so, can I move in?)
But here’s the thing: in my house, there’s no freaking WAY a present could ever be lost for more than a minute because my kids have Supernatural Gift Radar. Seriously, if you’re ever stranded on a desert island, wrap up a rock in a banana leaf and put a pretty fishbone bow on it. Boom! My boys will have rescue ships to you before you can say, “Is that a crab in my pants or are the sailors just making me feel tingly?”
But let’s assume your children aren’t grubby gift hunters like mine, and that somehow this present honestly got lost in the shuffle. You could either throw your friend a line like, “Oh, my gosh. Did I tell you that someone robbed our house in December and I just had to buy it all back from some Russian mobster on eBay? Weird, huh? By the way, thanks for the Zhu Zhu pets!”
Or you could just be honest. Go over to her house with handwritten thank-you notes from both you and your kids, a gift for her children, and a very chagrined look on your face. If she’s a friend and a mom, she’ll understand that sometimes things can get overlooked in the hectic pace of life. It probably won’t be long before it becomes an old, running joke between the two of you.
Next year, make sure you have a special place in your house to put all the gifts you receive. And if that still doesn’t work, just give my boys a call. They could find Jimmy Hoffa if he were gift-wrapped.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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Single Again on Valentine’s Day
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Valentine’s Day is coming up and naturally, I’m still single. I was asked to a Valentine’s dinner with all other single women and it’s a good friend of mine so I feel obligated to go. But honestly, I find it very depressing to sit around with a bunch of single women on Valentine’s day. How do I get out of this without hurting her feelings?
Signed,
Is it February 14th again?
______________________
Dear February 14th,
I’m all for a single girls’ night out. On any night BESIDES Valentine’s Day. First of all, there is no safe haven on Valentine’s Day. Every restaurant, every movie theater, even every 7-11 is packed with doey-eyed couples. And you should not have to stare at some boyfriend/girlfriend sharing a cherry slurpee while groping each other.
Because before you know it, you’ll be drunk on Valentine’s Day candy, tracking down that guy on Facebook you blew off years ago because he just smelled weird, just so you can go on a date. It won’t be pretty.
So don’t go out.
Even if your friend is having everyone over to her house, it’s still not a good idea. Because you just know you’ll have to make a quick stop for gas and of course you’ll run into your ex. Who’s driving a Lexus. With his girlfriend in the passenger seat. Who happens to be a swimsuit model.
A single girl can not undergo that kind of stress.
So just explain to your friend that you’d love do a dinner thing very soon (and put a date on the calendar) but you’d rather pretend Valentine’s Day is not happening at all. Then stay at home, order in some sushi and watch “The Hangover.” Go to bed early and it will all be over.
And one of these days, you will be running around town and you’ll need to stop for gas. And suddenly you’ll meet a really cute single guy who’s filling up his BMW. Turns out, he’s just the kind of guy that you can imagine sharing a slurpee.
And all of a sudden you’ll be the girl getting roses on Valentine’s Day. Except by that point, you won’t care anymore because you’ve got a great new boyfriend and Valentine’s Day is just a stupid, commercial holiday.
Until then,
Wishing you a happy February 15th!
Kelcey, TMH
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Surviving School Holidays
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! If ‘wonderful’ means I’ve gained back 5 pounds already from all the fudge and my children began driving me crazy on the very first day of school vacation. So I thought I would remind all of us of these school holiday survival tips.
See you on the other side of the holidays! (I hope.)
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Nobody Likes a Show Off. Or Do They?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
The moms at my children’s school are very competitive, and each year they give their kids’ teachers very expensive holiday gifts. I’m talking James Avery jewelry, etc. I don’t want to spend that much just to keep up with them, but I don’t want my kids to not be treated as well because we haven’t buttered up the teacher. What should I do?
Signed,
Not Hot For Teacher’s Gifts
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Dear Not Hot For Teacher’s Gifts,
Last I heard, it’s not legal to change a child’s grade because his mother gave the teacher peanut butter cookies for Christmas and not a Marc Jacobs pocketbook. However, if the teacher has a peanut allergy, well, that’s a different story because chances are she’ll be dead by the time report cards are due, anyway. Then you can sleep at night knowing that although you killed an innocent person, at least you didn’t spend hundreds of dollars on her and only to get nothing in return.
“Luckily” for me, my daughter goes to public school in California where the idea of a balanced budget with enough left over to educate the children is but a mere pipe dream. I’m not saying it can’t happen, I’m just saying that it’s more likely that I’ll be the first Jewish, over forty, under-medicated woman to ever win a gold medal in ice-dancing, before it does.
As a result, all the parents at the school are asked to donate hundreds of dollars to help buy things like paper and pencils and hand sanitizer, therein leaving very little cash for them to drop a few “Benjamins” on a Tiffany tennis bracelet for little Ms. Applebee.
Sadly, no one knows better than a teacher about what it’s like to not make much money. These men and women are grossly overworked and underpaid and quite frankly, I think that showing them kindness and offering to help them out in the classroom will give you the same leg up as those who do nothing besides traipse in once a year dangling a bag from a store where the average item would cost the teacher an entire day’s pay.
Good luck!
Jessica, TMH
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We Wish You A Merry…Hamster?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My friend emailed me yesterday asking for Christmas gift suggestions for my son and telling me that she was able to score the hot new toy Zhu Zhu pets for my daughter. Who is 13. Do I tell my friend that my daughter has no interest in them or do I start working on my daughter’s fake happiness expression?
Signed,
No Thank Zhu
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Dear No Thank Zhu,
I believe the Zhu Zhu toy you’re talking about is the fuzzy electronic hamster that costs $8.00, right? The one that’s being called the hottest toy of the year? Also known around my house as the toy my 6-year-old son keeps begging me to give him “if I really love him as much as I say I do.” Of course we all know that won’t be happening because the last time I tried to buy the season’s hottest toy, I almost got into a shoving match with a bargain hunting redneck at Target who later threatened to wait for me in the parking lot and give me an atomic wedgie with his rusty toolbox. Yes, unfortunately, there will be absolutely be no Zhu Zhus around this joint this holiday season.
(That is, unless you’re willing to part with your little furry guy. If so, I’m willing to go up to $50.00, no questions asked. Just promise me you won’t ask Kelcey or Marinka for a counteroffer, that you’ll ship it here before the 24th, and that you’ll throw in a bonus bottle of vodka. CALL ME.)
Now, what your friend did in getting this toy for your daughter was super sweet and considerate, and we should all hope to know someone like that. However, I would strongly recommend that you just be honest with her and let her know that, while you appreciate it, your daughter is just too old to enjoy a hamster robot. Then maybe suggest she give the Zhu Zhu to a younger kid who will really love it. (And if she doesn’t know anyone, the local children’s hospital is always in need of donations.) (And so am I.)
Hope that helps, and I hope you have a merry and hamster-free holiday.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
