If Cleanliness is Next to Godliness, I Might Be Going to Hell
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a twice-a-month housekeeper (a HUGE luxury on my salary) who did a great job at first, but now she’s seriously slacking. When I first hired her, I went over what I expected. I pick up the house and clean the toilets before she comes because I don’t want her to think I’m a total slob. But the last time she came, I couldn’t even tell she’d been here other than the check I gave her was gone! She left dishes in the sink, trash in the trash cans and the beds unmade. I think she vacuumed, but I’m not sure. The mop was still dry too. I’m not sure WHAT she did. Should I not clean before she comes to make sure she’s actually doing something? Do I let her go via email, or do I call her and review the detailed list of what I expect and give her another chance?
Signed,
Clean It Like You Mean It
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Dear Clean It Like You Mean It,
I can totally relate to your problem because I, too, have the same issues with my slack-job of a cleaning woman. This poor excuse for a housekeeper never makes the beds, uses spit to clean the mirrors, and one memorable time last month, she chugged an entire bottle of hard cider, then shoved five Mr. Clean erasers into her pants so she could dust the credenza with her “boo-tay quake steam machine, yo.”
(Raise your hand if you’re the only person in the room who doesn’t yet realize that I’m my own cleaning woman.)
But yes, as we all know, having a real live housekeeper on your payroll is a true luxury, and therefore you definitely want to get your money’s worth. It sounds like she did an okay job up until recently, so I suggest sending her an email telling her that you aren’t happy with her current performance. Maybe she’s just having some personal issues and needs to be reminded to shape up. However, if that doesn’t work, you should certainly bite the bullet and tell her that she needs to take her Playtex rubber gloves elsewhere. (But don’t have this conversation when she’s holding a bottle of bleach or you may suddenly find yourself a brand-new blonde.)
Finally, what’s up with scrubbing your toilets before the cleaning woman comes? Do you also change your car’s oil before you take it to the mechanic? Wax your own hoo-ha before you go to the salon? Roughly manhandle your own breasts before you get a mammogram? Stick the specul—okay, you get my point. If you’re paying to have your house cleaned, put down the toilet brush, put up your feet and enjoy it, baby.
Because it sure beats spitting on your own mirrors.
Love,
Wendi, TMH
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La Chaim
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Don’t Tell PETA, But We’re Exploiting Pet Fur Today
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a dog and cat that shed year round. My bicep muscles are huge because I’m constantly sweeping, dusting, and lifting the couch to remove pet hair. Are there alternatives to all of this manual labor? It messes up my manicure. My significant other is not in favor of shaving our pets. Perhaps you have suggestions for arts and crafts projects. A dog hair sweater perhaps? A cat fur pot holder? Can I give them away (the arts and crafts not the pets) to friends and visitors or do I actually have to get off my ass and spruce up the guest area?
Signed,
Hanging on by a Hair
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Dear Hanging on by a Hair,
I don’t know about this “giving away” idea. I’ve heard of farmers who make their living by selling the hair off of their sheep. Why not us too? With three cats myself, you and I could form a distribution partnership and rule the expensive sweater industry, and possibly potholders.
On second thought, if we compare all the effort it would take to overthrow the sheep wool market, vacuuming the pet hair sounds like less work. You may not be aware of this but “mouthy housewife” in Swahili means, “take the easier way out.” So where does that leave us, other than with nicely toned biceps?
You could always use the shedding hair as a power for good, say, discreetly drop a glob in your mother-in-law’s soup, ensuring she’ll never come over for dinner again. Think of the benefits your partnership would reap just from that one good deed!
Throw some hair in your next office potluck party dish and you’ll never be asked to bring food to the office again. That will leave you extra time to Twitter while at work.
You know those clear, plastic Christmas ornaments at the craft store you can fill? Stuff it with pet hair then wrap them up as “Angel Hair Ornaments.” No one will ever guess, plus you’ll get extra points for being all spiritual during the holidays.
Or you could always…hang on. I have to go clean up a freshly puked hairball, which I’m sure will come in handy one way or another. We’ll do more brainstorming later.
Sincerely,
Heather, TMH
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For a Happy Marriage, Just Say No to Bestiality
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Is it wrong to ask my husband to pitch in with housework and cooking so that I can pursue my career goals and business ideas? After all, he is at home on a temporary disability (but he has recovered completely) and has the stamina to go to school full time. I would rather have a productive creative session or a happy play date with my 2-year-old son than run home to clean the dishes and cook meals 7 days a week. Sometimes I feel I married the wrong man. It seems like he’s stuck in the 1950s and I just want “me” time.
Signed,
Don’t Want to Stand by the Man
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Dear Don’t Want to Stand by the Man,
Hmm, if I were to judge by the marriage questions we get at TMH, I would have to say the matrimonial world is full of lazy husbands. Research shows that when men get married they actually gain an hour of free time, but women gain 7 more hours of work. I don’t know about you but that statistic makes my ass want to suck a sour lemon.
Even though I learned the hard way to steer clear of playgroups, even I would rather go to a play date than run home to clean. Come on, I would rather have a gynecological exam than clean. Alas, dishes still get dirtied (from all that cooking) and my gynecologist isn’t attractive, so where does that leave me? Frustrated and unfulfilled in more ways than one.
To answer your question, no, it isn’t wrong to ask your husband to pitch in and help. By today’s standards I have a 1950s marriage. My husband makes the money and I take care of the home, though I do have a “little” part-time job. However, I don’t hesitate to ask him to pitch in around the house and – here’s the best part – he does it without any complaint or whining.
I don’t think the fact that my husband helps out when asked means I married the right man and you didn’t. If that were true, almost every woman I know married the wrong man. I think it means I got over the fact that I have to ask my husband for help, and then ask for the same help next week, and the next, and the next. I think it means I learned to take my “me” time without waiting for his approval or good mood. It also means my husband learned that I find bestiality repulsive and will refuse to have sex with a jackass.
(That last sentence is a very important lesson.)
So ask away, and remember: just say no to bestiality!
Sincerely,
Heather, TMH
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2-for-1 Advice from a Black Belt Certified Husband Trainer
Dear Mouthy Housewives
I’m a mom of 4 young kids going to school full time and working full time. My hubby’s side of the story is he’s a dad of 4 young kids who works full time and travels a lot. Here is my dilemma: It is pretty much my job to take care of the house and the kids. Lord knows he won’t notice when they are running out of socks, or that the baby needs diapers at daycare. Of course, he helps out on the weekends and such (when I ask him specifically what I need done). But my biggest pet peeve is that if I step out of the room and say ‘keep an eye on the baby’ he will immediately chime back with ‘Why, what are you doing?
Is it too much of me to want him to WANT to help out with his kids?
Sincerely,
Patty Peeved
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Dear Mrs. Peeved,
First, buy more socks. You are more than just the average busy mom and sock shortages in between laundry days isn’t something you have time to worry over. Buy 5 dozen.
Second, 99% of men have to be told specifically what to clean around the house. The other one percent? Has a genetic anomaly.
Third, yes, it may be too much for you to want him to WANT to help out with the kids. Who cares what he wants. Err, I mean lower your standards. Decide you want him to help with his kids without being a whiny jerk. Also, try asking instead of commanding. “Would you keep an eye on the baby?” is simply better marriage manners.
Last, conduct a gratitude experiment on your husband. Yes, it’s somewhat galling to have to show appreciation for the same things you’re just expected to do, but someone has to be the marriage shaman. Thank him for watching the baby/kids, specifically telling him how it helped you. Remember: men need specifics. For example, “Thanks for watching the kids. That break felt so good I may even be interested in sex!”
After a few weeks of this, it’s possible your husband may even WANT to watch his kids. If not, he may just be a jerk.
Heather, TMH
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Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve been married for almost ten months, and while I love my husband and would marry him again in a heartbeat, living with him is not what I expected. I’m a moderately neat person – he leaves a week’s worth of dirty clothes scattered on the floor, dishes so crusted over you could chisel commandments on them, and he wouldn’t even think about doing the litter box until the cats started peeing on him instead.
How can I get him to understand that I don’t want to spend all my spare time and weekends cleaning up after the both of us while he attaches himself to his computer? I’m concerned that when we buy a house or spawn, I won’t be able to keep up with the housework on top of my job, and I’ll be labeled a frothing pile of wifely fail.
Sincerely,
Patty Proactive
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Dear Mrs. Proactive,
So married life isn’t what you expected, huh? Welcome to marital reality, where tooth brushing is foreplay and dirty socks taunt you from the living room floor!
Before deciding to spawn with your husband, see the question above. That is your future self, writing in from another time dimension.
Take action now.
Be specific and try the gratitude thing. Modify for your current childless lifestyle.
Heather, TMH
