Please Get My Husband to Stop Helping Around the House
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband tries to help out with all the household chores, which I guess sounds like a positive, but it drives me bonkers. He uses too much fabric softener when he does the laundry. He can’t seem to tell which clothes go in which of the kids’ closets. He even tries to clean up behind me AS I’m cooking, once throwing away ingredients before I was even through with them. Do I have him stop “helping” or do I check myself into an anal-retentive treatment center?
Signed,
Anal & Anxious
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Dear AA,
Your husband sounds like my own helpful spouse who recently saw a basket of clothes in the laundry room and said with great pride, “Honey, I threw in that load of laundry and started the washing machine.”
“That’s so sweet of you – EXCEPT THOSE CLOTHES WERE ALREADY CLEAN. I just needed to fold them,” I responded.
Some help really is the kind of help we all can do without. It sounds like your husband is about one notch above the helpful toddler who helps his mom “clean” by spraying down and soaking the entire couch with Mrs. Meyer’s Countertop spray.
But there is reason to be hopeful! Because your husband wants to help. And that sure beats the lazy slug of a husband who thinks that doing his part to tidy up the house means throwing his super size potato chip bag in the trash. Or at least hiding it under his recliner.
Don’t despair because your spouse can improve. Give him short simple tasks like vacuuming the living room rug or washing dishes, and over time move on to bigger challenges like grocery shopping. When it comes to laundry, put clear instructions on the machine so he can just follow the steps. Basically, I’m advising that you pretend you are married to a smart chimp and you are training this monkey to clean.
Some tasks will never be possible. For example, I never let my husband put our clothes in the dryer because I don’t want to spend my life wearing shrunken baby doll size tees. But don’t shut him down completely because that will leave you doing ALL the household chores and frankly, that’s a whole lot worse than a guy who uses too much fabric softener.
Good luck to you,
Kelcey, TMH
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Married to a Porn King
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m 28 and have been married for 2 years. The problem is that since we got married, we’ve had sex all of 15 times. (I’m counting!) We had premarital sex and he enjoyed it then; it was the first time for both of us.
But now he is full of excuses! When we go to bed, he’s tired, has a headache, or hurt himself “down there” while bathing, etc. I’m sure he isn’t cheating on me. Instead, he has the largest collection of porn in the city, and he spends a lot of time watching it. He masturbates enough, so everything must work “down there.”
When I ask why we don’t have sex, he says I don’t turn him on anymore. Other than the sex, he’s a great husband. But I’m still worried about our sex life and if I’m doing something to turn him off.
Can you help?
Signed,
Wife of Porn King
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Dear Wife of Porn King,
Some people might advise you to make more of an effort to entice your husband, such as buying a wardrobe of kinky lingerie and practicing Kama Sutra. But then, some people are prime candidates for a lobotomy.
Others might tell you to turn the porn viewing into a couple’s experience and join him in the masturbation fest. But then again, others need their brain rewired through electric shock treatments.
I, on the other hand, believe in taking the spiritual path to solve problems large and small, so I consulted the holiest of holy books, The Bible. In it, I found sage advice, which I think applies to your situation.
In OMFG 2:15, it said this:
Get thyself to a marriage counselor quickithly
I recommend you follow the scripture.
It also can’t hurt to drive your husband down to Hattiesburg, MS and let him room with Tiger Woods at the residential treatment center; it sounds like they have some things in common. Who knows, maybe your husband can not only get help with his porn addiction (it sounds as if he is addicted) but also on his golf swing too.
That’s the best I can do for you, oh Lady Wife of the Porn King. We Mouthy Housewives are astute when it comes to human behavior, but we’re also smart enough to know when a problem needs professional help, and sex addictions fall into that category.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
P.S. What in the world is your husband bathing with, a Brillo pad?
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Hang on to your maxi-pads, ladies, because we’ve got an exciting new giveaway this week! One lucky reader will win a copy of Elissa Stein & Susan Kim’s fabulous new book FLOW: The Cultural History of Menstruation! As Library Journal put it, FLOW discusses that time of the month with “wit, sarcasm, and common sense . . . the authors use a pop culture lens to posit a modern, feminist, female perspective on menstruation.” We love this book.
To enter, simply leave a comment this week on one of our posts and/or send us a question to ask@mouthyhousewives.com. Whichever you decide to do, please mention FLOW so you’ll be entered in the contest. Good luck!
The BlogHer Housewives Scoop:
Fabulous news on the cocktail front… The Mouthy Housewives are throwing a happy hour party at BlogHer 2010 this summer!! If you want to find out all the details and how to sign up when the time comes, join our Facebook group by clicking here.
And remember, whether you’re going to BlogHer or not, we need your votes!! Aunt Becky, Marinka, Wendi, and I (of The Mouthy Housewives and Mommy Wants Vodka) have put in for a Room of our Own on how to create a successful, entertaining advice site.
So please just click here, log on to BlogHer and then click “I would attend this session” (it’s just above the title: Dear Abby 2.0). After you click it it will miraculously say “I would not attend this session.” This means that your vote for the session has been successfully registered. Thank you!
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Lonely Girl and the Absent Hubby
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have been married for 25 years. My husband and I are both in our mid-40’s. About five years ago, my husband lost his job and he has had three different jobs since then. He currently works 12-14 hour days, sometimes works weekends and never even calls during the day to say “hi.” I work a full time job, take care of the house, and help out our kids (who live at home while attending college).
I am feeling extremely lonely at this time. I have asked my husband to come home for dinner at least a few nights a week, but this never happens. I am getting very resentful. I feel like since all he does is work, we have nothing in common anymore and nothing to talk about. He thinks I am a nag, unrealistic and since the economy is so bad, I should be happy he is working. But this is supposed to be our life “together.” Counseling at this point is too costly (with kids in college). What should I do?
Signed,
Our Life Together is Falling Apart
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Dear Life Together,
Lonely girl, listen to me. You are hardly a nag. You just want a real and loving relationship with your husband. He should be calling you in the middle of the day to just say “hi” and he should find his way home for dinner a few nights a week. Man, I would even want a shoulder massage now and then, but let’s not push our luck just yet.
This economy is sucking everyone’s wallets dry. And I’m sure your husband is worried about losing his job again. But he should also be concerned about losing his wife. Because you are clearly unhappy. So here’s the plan:
Step One: You need to go find yourself some joy without his help. Reconnect with some friends, go to some movies, join a book club, start painting, take a Zuma dance class, start a blog, visit some museums, whatever appeals to you. Because your happiness can not be completely wrapped up in your husband.
Step Two: You mentioned that you have kids in college and money is extremely tight, but you know what is more expensive than counseling? Divorce. Seriously. You and your husband need to see a therapist AS SOON AS POSSIBLE because he’s not taking your needs seriously.
Some therapists will work on a sliding scale so you pay what you can afford. So call around. Or if you can really afford nothing, find an impartial, trustworthy third party (a mutual friend, a religious adviser or a teacher) who can sit down with the two of you so you can both communicate your needs. Just don’t ask your neighbor Nosy Nancy because that lady will give briefings to the whole town on your marital problems before the first session is even over. And we all know she’s one to talk!
There’s a reason you and your husband have been together for 25 years. I have every faith that you two will get through this with some love, understanding and hard work.
Good luck to you and keep us posted,
Kelcey, TMH
_________________________________
Hang on to your maxi-pads, ladies, because we’ve got an exciting new giveaway this week! One lucky reader will win a copy of Elissa Stein & Susan Kim’s fabulous new book FLOW: The Cultural History of Menstruation! As Library Journal put it, FLOW discusses that time of the month with “wit, sarcasm, and common sense . . . the authors use a pop culture lens to posit a modern, feminist, female perspective on menstruation.” We love this book.
To enter, simply leave a comment this week on one of our posts and/or send us a question to ask@mouthyhousewives.com. Whichever you decide to do, please mention FLOW so you’ll be entered in the contest. Good luck!
The BlogHer Housewives Scoop:
Fabulous news on the cocktail front… The Mouthy Housewives are throwing a happy hour party at BlogHer 2010 this summer!! If you want to find out all the details and how to sign up when the time comes, join our Facebook group by clicking here.
And remember, whether you’re going to BlogHer or not, we need your votes!! Aunt Becky, Marinka, Wendi, and I (of The Mouthy Housewives and Mommy Wants Vodka) have put in for a Room of our Own on how to create a successful, entertaining advice site.
So please just click here, log on to BlogHer and then click “I would attend this session” (it’s just above the title: Dear Abby 2.0). After you click it it will miraculously say “I would not attend this session.” This means that your vote for the session has been successfully registered. Thank you!
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Johnny Come Lately
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I truly love my boyfriend. He’s the sweetest guy ever. We’ve been together for two years but here’s my problem. He’s late for everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. 45 minutes late for Broadway plays, movies, my birthday dinner! This is the only thing we fight about. I really want to settle down with this guy but I don’t want to spend my life being late for everything. Any ideas, Mouthy Housewives?
Signed,
Timely
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Dear Timely,
Well, the good news is that as your relationship progresses, you will absolutely find new and different things to fight about. (Have you met his parents?) So if you are worried about spending a lifetime fighting over only one thing, let me assuage your fears! There’s a whole plethora of discord to look forward to! Yippee!
If, however, you want advice on how to adjust his internal clock, you’ve got the right Mouthy Housewife. Because I think that “fashionably late” is just “rude” with a great PR team behind it. So, to remedy your boyfriend’s tardiness, I suggest minor tinkering with his DNA, plus an alarm clock embedded in his frontal lobe. Sure, it’s expensive, but it will save you years of aggravation!
Seriously, this is what will not work: nagging, notes, withholding sex, not withholding sex, setting the clock ahead to ‘trick him’, lecturing him, silent treatment or public shaming. One night my then-boyfriend-now-husband and I had to be at a party at 8, and it was 8 and he was still getting ready. I was so happy because I was certain that he must have a time machine that would let us leave his place after 8 and yet arrive at our destination, across town, at 8. We were going to be rich! Alas.
He is late because he wants to be late. And he may enjoy the attention that he gets when he is late. Whatever the reason, you will never change him. And only you know if you can live like that.
It could be worse, you know. He could be one of those annoying punctual people.
Love,
Marinka, TMH
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I Want My Husband in My Life, Just Not in My Bed
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
When our kids were babies, my husband and I started sleeping in separate rooms so we could get good rest. He snores and I’m a light sleeper, so it has worked out really well. We still have lots of sex, but is this weird?
Signed,
I Can’t Hear His Damn Snoring from the Guest Room
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Dear I Can’t Hear His Damn Snoring,
Is this weird? Well, if you and your husband are Mary Tyler Moore and Dick Van Dyke, then no. Or if you’re Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz, then no again. These actors seemed perfectly happy sleeping in separate beds on their TV shows. But maybe I’m the only one who takes life guidance from television. I mean, ever since tuning in to “Gossip Girl”, I’m determined to gain admittance to the fanciest prep school on the Upper East Side of Manhattan (despite the fact that I’m almost 40).
If you’re too high brow to let television be your life coach, then consider this: Different things make different marriages work. I was recently reading the magazine “Real Simple” from February 2008. (Look, that’s all they had in the waiting room.) And this issue had tips for making your marriage stronger. One piece of advice… only have a fight with your husband when you’re both naked. The theory is that by the time you get home and undress, you’ll never remember what you were so mad about.
What kind of advice is this? I don’t need to stew in my anger for hours and then face my own droopy breasts just so I can yell at my husband for forgetting to take out the recycling for the third week in a row! But I bet this works for some couples.
So if sleeping in different rooms works for you and your husband, don’t sweat it. You’re really just missing out on someone breathing in your face and stealing the covers. And if you and your husband are having a lot of sex, then you have nothing to worry about my dear. Your marriage is rock solid.
Enjoy your sleep,
Kelcey, TMH
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