Can I Skip Out on My Husband’s Birthday?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband’s birthday is coming up. It’s not a significant birthday and my book club is the same night. I really want to go to the book club because I actually finished the book and loved it. My husband says it’s fine and we’ll celebrate the night before. Is it okay if I go or am I a bad wife?
Signed,
Bookish Betty
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Dear Bookish Betty,
I guess it depends. Is your husband the passive-aggressive type that will tell you, “oh sure, go ahead and do that honey,” and then get angry if you do, because even though he said it was okay to go, if you really loved him, you wouldn’t go?
If he’s that type, don’t go, unless you enjoy passive-aggressive marital merry-go-rounds. It’s not my idea of fun in a marriage. I prefer fun marital games such as, I cook and you do the dishes!
If he’s not the passive-aggressive type, then it’s up to you whether to skip out and go to the book club, or celebrate his birthday on his actual birthday. I think the Golden Rule would apply well in this situation. Would you be hurt? We’re all getting up in there in age and there comes a point when a big celebration for your average odd-numbered birthday just doesn’t matter. It’s one of those things that sort of sucks about being a grown-up: We get death, taxes, and unexciting birthdays in exchange for cursing and alcoholic beverages. Maybe it really doesn’t matter to him.
But before making your decision, I think we should interpret the man-speak that is screaming at me from between the lines. When your husband says, “we’ll celebrate the night before,” you know what that means, right? It means in exchange for skipping out on his actual birthday, you are expected to perform odd and kinky sex tricks the night before. If these tricks involve excessive amounts of lubricant and a morning-after treatment of hemorrhoid cream, I’m of the opinion that no book club is worth it. I don’t care if I made it through the Iliad and could interpret the hexameters so well that it left the book club members not only speechless, but scrambling for a plaque to inscribe my name and greatness in their own poetic hexameters. NO. However something like that may be right up your (ahem) alley, and if so, please seek immediate professional help – none of the Mouthy Housewives have any experience with proctology and would be unable to help you further.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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He Cleans. But He Snarks, Too
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband is not like many men. He’s a neat freak, anal retentive, and basically never stops! He is constantly cleaning, working, out in the garden, or fixing something. I chip in with the chores often so it’s not all one sided but he’s so annoying that if I clean something, it’s not clean enough so he does it all over again – then complains that I don’t help. He’ll ask me to do something and if I don’t do it that very second, he does it and complains that I don’t help. I will tell him I’m going to do this, this, and this but he just does it anyway – and says I don’t help! He’s driving me crazy especially because of the digs he plays on me daily. If I’m vacuuming or something, he’ll say, it’s about time you did something. I just want to strangle him! He never sees all the stuff I’m doing every day, just focuses on stuff that’s not done yet. He’s constantly living life trying to “get things done” and I’m sick of it! I want A. to rest sometimes, B. him to realize I do help! and C. to stop the digs!
Signed,
No Help
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Dear No Help,
I am writing this advice from the top of a Laundry Mountain, so I have to assume that what you have here is a genuine problem and not an attempt to rub my face into the fact while my husband is watching the Mets game, your husband is a cleaning machine. A cleaning machine that seems to want you to clean along side with him , at supersonic speed and at his specifications. Hmm…I’m starting to see the issue.
As so often happens in life, you have some choices!
1. Go the “gee whiz, but you do it so well” route, which basically butters him up to do it all while you act all lobotomized at the prospect of loading the dishwasher. Sure you lose face, but you’re preserving the marriage.
2. Take him on. Have a friend come over one day and watch as you and your husband each vacuum one half of the living room. Your friend will then rate each of you on speed, grace, and effectiveness. Feel free to do this for other cleaning chores, for as long as your friend is willing to play along. (And if you find that after a few rounds of The Clean-Off none of your friends return your calls, write us again! Because The Mouthy Housewives are here to help!)
3. Designate Cleaning Zones. Make a chart. One week, you’re responsible for dishwashing and bon bon eating while he dusts and vacuums and does laundry; the next week you switch and he does the laundry, vacuums and dusts while you eat bon bons. Tell him that according to your union rules, neither of you is to be supervised while cleaning and any digs received about your cleaning will lead to an immediate ceasing and desisting of the same.
Good luck!
Marinka, TMH
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If You Love Me, You Won’t Pee in the Shower
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband recently told me that he pees in the shower. I’m completely grossed out. Do you agree that it’s uncivilized? How do I get him to stop?
Signed,
And put the seat down when you’re done
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Dear Put the Seat Down When You’re done,
Oh yes. I completely agree. Uncivilized. But I’m sure it’s quite common. I don’t have any data to back up my belief, mostly because I just don’t have the time to install video cameras in showers across America, but I’m positive lot of people are doing this.
I mean, not me. I’m a lady for gosh sakes.
Option 1: Tell your husband that you would prefer if he did not pee in the shower. Politely point out that you don’t bathe in the toilet. He will likely promise to stop using the shower as his personal potty. He is likely lying but who cares because you will be happy.
Option 2: You can try to accept this vile habit because it saves water and is very earth friendly. In fact at one point, Brazil had an ad campaign to encourage people to urinate in the shower as a way to conserve water. Apparently, if a household avoids one flush a day, it can save up to 1,157 gallons of water annually. Isn’t it fun to save the planet while peeing?
Option 3: You can take my husband’s advice. I asked him what you should do and he said, “Get over it.” He’s a succinct man.
Whatever you decide to do, I would definitely take Brazil off your travel list. That is not a place you will enjoy taking a shower.
Good luck,
Kelcey, TMH
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Help, I May Have Married a Jerk
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband and I have been together for 6 years and have 3 kids together. He works 2 jobs (one he works 4 nights a week, the other only 1-3 night) and I stay home with the kids. My problem is that we are not connecting like we did when we first got married. He comes home 3 hours after work, jumps on the computer to play World of Warcraft or watch porn when no one is around. He does this until his bedtime and then off to work again.
I get no help with the cooking, the kids, or cleaning, and he’s no longer affectionate. I feel like I have a roommate not a husband. Sometimes I just want to walk away. I don’t know if I’m wrong for feeling this way and or what to do. Please help.
Signed,
No Help and Alone
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Dear No Help and Alone,
I assume you are point blank asking him for help as opposed to relying on your powers of telepathy? See, it takes a powerfully talented woman to control others with our mind. We’re a rare breed so for the majority of the female population, you actually have to use words to express what you want.
Another important and crucial step is to determine before marriage whether your man is a stupid jerk. (It may be too late for you, I don’t know.) This is where many women go wrong. They marry a stupid jerk and then wonder why he acts like a stupid jerk. I don’t know what to say to these women, because, duh.
However, if he isn’t a stupid jerk and you aren’t connecting like you did when you first married, then let me be the first to welcome you to real life with kids. It is harder to stay connected as a couple when you have kids. That’s just part of the game. But what makes it even harder is having a spouse who doesn’t help at all with your life at home.
Some men have stuck in their heads (probably from watching too many Brady Bunch reruns as a kid) that they go to work and their job is done, there are no other responsibilities in life. And I guess that could be true. For husbands who do not want to have sex.
Let’s forget about telepathic powers, that’s not where a woman’s power lies. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about, and it never ceases to amaze me the number of women who underutilize this power. This isn’t about passive-aggressive behavior on our part. This is about logic. It is ridiculous (and disrespectful) to expect the wife to take care of everything. In fact, the only other ingrates that operate on this assumption are our children. So your husband is treating you like his mother. Do you know what is NOT acceptable in our society? Having sex with your mother.
So, basically, if your husband takes you for granted like his mother, you aren’t allowed to have sex with him, the end.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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My Landlord is a Jerk. And He’s Also My Husband.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m a doctoral student who moved into my husband’s house (that he had owned for 10+ years prior to meeting me) when we got engaged a year and a half ago. We’ve now been married nine months. My income is from my meager stipend and part time work when it’s available.
I currently write my husband a check once a month for a little less than half of the monthly bills (including the mortgage). My problem is that I really don’t feel like this is my home. It doesn’t help that when he (unintentionally) refers to things as “his” house/room/garage and refers to my check to him as “rent.”
He wants to keep things as they are for now, and then when he pays off a specific loan, we could start using our joint account to pay bills. I feel bad because I’ve walked into a lovely house that I didn’t pay for and now I pay less than half of the bills. But it still feels really crummy to feel like there’s no home to call my own. When I try to explain this to my husband, he gets upset and points out that I haven’t paid for the house! Please help!
Signed,
Am I Paying Down My Dowry?
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Dear Dowry,
Sounds like your landlord is sort of self centered and not really accommodating. When your lease is up, I would totally find a new rental. Oh, wait. You can’t. Because this is your HUSBAND.
You feel bad?! Seriously? Because he bought the house? Over 10 years ago? Listen, I brought a Jeep Cherokee into the relationship with my husband and you don’t see me holding that 1999 beauty over his head. Once upon a time, your husband bought a house. And then you two got married. And now it’s YOUR house too. And he needs to start acting like it.
He should immediately stop calling it “his” house. If he refuses or doesn’t get why you’re upset, then go out and buy the most awesome Wii games out there and call them “yours.” Make him ask permission each time he wants to play. He’ll start to understand.
I think when couples get married, it just makes sense to pool one’s resources and have a joint checking account in order to avoid this kind of situation. But some couples are more like Brad and Angelina and prefer to keep their riches separate. And I’m certainly not going to judge another woman for having a slush fund for Jimmy Choos. But whatever arrangement is made, the husband and wife must both feel good about it. You shouldn’t feel like you’re living in someone else’s house.
So sit your husband down, tell him the current situation is not working for you, make no apologies about it and work on finding a solution. I would also recommend making a few design changes to the home to make the house feel more like you. (I’d start with tossing out the Jamaican spring break shot glasses and that bean bag chair.)
Good luck to you.
Signed,
Kelcey, TMH
