I received a disturbing text message from my sister-in-law, my husband’s younger half-sister. It read: “You’re with a child molester. Your husband would molest me and my twin sister when we were little. I will take a lie detector test and pass with flying colors.”

I was so shocked and sickened after I read the message. I called my husband and he told me his sister was lying because, according to her twin, she was mad at him and also suffering from an ear infection and on antibiotics! WHAT??

My question to you is, should I confront my crazy sister-in-law or just leave this situation alone? I hate confrontation but I don’t want her harassing us anymore.

Signed,

Sad and Sickened

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Dear Sad and Sickened,

Let me get this straight: your sister-in-law is accusing her brother of childhood molestation because she is mad at him and, also, because she has an ear infection? What would happen if she came down with pneumonia? Or the Avian Flu? Would she level charges of treason against everyone in her town? Blame her twin for the current economic crisis?

It seems possible that your sister-in-law is certainly suffering from something but it, most likely, has very little to do with her current ear infection.  Whether it is a serious psychological disorder or the effects of childhood trauma is difficult to determine and should be left to a professional.

Whatever her real issue, it’s important for you to communicate your limits to her. The in-law relationship can be fragile and difficult so it’s important to proceed with caution. Especially in this case. You need to state clearly and directly that if she is angry with your husband she needs to talk about it with him NOT you. I would suggest staying away from judging her emotional state and simply focus on the interaction between the two of you and setting strict boundaries.

At the end of the day, however, this is an extremely disturbing accusation. You owe it to yourself to make sure that there isn’t any validity to her indictment. It seems to me that although you wrote to us regarding your sister-in-law, you might be more concerned about her accusations than you are letting on. Sit down with your spouse and have an honest and frank discussion preferably in a safe environment with the presence of a therapist or mediator. Put any and all of your questions to rest.

Good Luck,

Tonya, TMH

My husband works from home; his desk is in the family room. Normally this arrangement works well, but it’s school vacation right now. Yesterday I took my daughter out all day so he could have the house to himself and work in peace. But when we got home he proudly showed off his new home office: my studio!

He simply packed all my art and writing projects into cardboard boxes and shoved them in the closet, then he set his computer on my desk and considered it his. I feel violated and angry and I’m having a tough time even being in the same room with him right now. What should I do?

Signed,

It’s My Studio
________________________________________________

Dear Studio Keeper,

When you returned home, did you happen to notice if your husband had any large bumps on his head? A gash across the brow, perhaps? Anything at all to indicate that he may have hit his head and was now out of his mind?

Because absent some kind of a head trauma, I see absolutely no reason for him to think that this kind of occupation of your studio without any discussion or court order is acceptable. I really hope that he didn’t urinate on the walls of the studio to mark his territory, too.

Not only did he violate your space, but he dismissed your work in the process. And as we learned from Dirty Dancing, no one puts Baby in the corner. (You’re “Baby.” And “the corner” is “not the studio.” Sorry, I’m still in Analogy Training.)

I am going to assume that the fact that you’re angry and avoiding him is going totally over his head. I, myself, am married to one of his brethren and have taken to sending emails to my husband to let him know when I’m giving him the Silent Treatment. (He usually replies “okay.”)

You are going to have to talk to your husband. In preparation, do the type of deep breathing exercises that will deprive the rest of the world of oxygen and then let him know that you are upset. Let him know that you considered the studio yours, it has been for a while and if he wants to make a temporary change, you’d appreciate being consulted in advance.

It’s possible that he has been unhappy with the location of his home office for a while and that being in the middle of the family room hasn’t been working for him. Quite honestly, I would not be able to work like that. If he wants to make a change, discuss a time-share of the studio, but make it clear that you do not appreciate being displaced and having your work moved to the side.

Hopefully you and your husband can work this out– perhaps you can time share, with him spending more time in the studio during school vacations or the two of you putting up a wall in the family room to give him more privacy for his work. The important thing is that he acknowledge the importance of your space. And get his stuff the hell out of it.

Best wishes,

Marinka, TMH

My husband and I went to dinner recently and he paid for the majority of the meal,  leaving him with $2.00 in his wallet.  The next morning, on his way out of the gym, he felt light headed due to his diabetic condition and when he went to purchase an energy bar realized he had only $2.00 in his wallet and could not buy it.

He called me and told me that he was surprised (actually blamed me ) that I would let him go out with only $2.00 in his wallet. I was floored, as he has money everywhere, could have easily taken some yet chooses to blame me for his wallet being almost empty.  He controls all of his money, all of the time.  I have nothing to do with his funds. Should I really be responsible for this?

Signed,

Who You Blaming?!

_______________________

Dear Who You Blaming,

I’m so glad you wrote in because the other day I locked myself out of the house, had to pay 70 bucks for a locksmith and I’m so grateful that I now have someone to blame. So thanks a lot for letting me do that. Oh and I’m also pissed at you for that time I sprained my ankle playing tennis.  And for that day when I wore my shirt inside out for 7 hours before someone had the decency to tell me.

In all seriousness – it sounds like the only person your husband should be mad at is himself. I’m sorry he only had two dollars in his wallet but that is hardly your fault. And you should introduce him to these fancy new things that were just invented called credit cards and ATM cards. They really are magic and can work wonders when one finds themselves a bit short on cash. Did he have any of those in his wallet at the time?

So no, you are absolutely not to blame. But it does sound like there might be some tension between the two of you when it comes to control over money. Am I reading too much into your question? Every couple works out their money differently. Some share funds. Some keep separate accounts. Some drive to Vegas and spend it all there. Whatever works.

But you two are married. And you need to manage and spend your money in a way that works for both of you. So maybe you both need to sit down and have more of a big picture discussion about your financial arrangement.

Good luck to you.

Kelcey, TMH

Are people obligated to attend their spouse’s office Christmas party? My husband expects me to go to his (I don’t make him go to mine), and I REALLY don’t want to go. It’s just one more thing on my already overscheduled holiday calendar.

I don’t really know the people there and have little in common with them. Plus, most office parties are completely boring and I kind of resent forking out for a babysitter just so I can hang out with people I don’t know and be bored out of my mind. I want to reclaim some of the holiday season for myself and my family instead of trying to fulfill society’s expectations.

Can a person get out of going to these parties without causing a fuss or damaging a career?

Signed,

Don’t Make Me Party,
_____________________________________

Dear Don’t Make Me Party,

You know, if you hate office Christmas parties so much, maybe you should have married someone Jewish. Then the two of you could stay at home and make latkes while the rest of the office got their egg nog on. But you didn’t think of that, did you? No, you had to marry for “love” instead. You reap what you sow, baby! (That’s the New Testament, by the way.)

Personally, I don’t know anyone who enjoys her spouse’s holiday parties. Because unless you’re friends with the people there or have a mad crush on your spouse’s co-worker, it is just a work event. With wine. That you can’t drink with abandon because it’s a work event.

And yet in our society it’s expected that people who work together every day and have to get along in exchange for money and health insurance get together and be merry. Fortunately the expectation has been holding steady at “once a year” for a while now. Mostly. Some companies have summer barbecues and spring cruises and the September key parties. Count your blessings.

I’ll wait.

Every company has a different party culture and if your husband says that your attendance is important, do it. Wave the team flag, make small talk. You don’t want him to be the only one there without his trophy wife.

But have some ground rules. Commit to a time limit, ninety minutes perhaps, and have a safe word if he forgets to start saying good byes after that time. In my experience “you promised no more than ninety minutes in this hell hole and it’s already been eighty five and you haven’t even started good-nighting these geezers yet!” doesn’t work too well. For one, it takes a long time to say, so you’re wasting valuable time and also apparently other people can hear you when you speak. I don’t know what that’s about.

Despite this bad news of mandatory attendance, there is a glimmer of holiday hope. Because you can’t go to a party without a mani/pedi/new hair cut and a full body massage. Go ahead and schedule those appointments now. They’ll go a long way to putting you in a party mood.

Ho-ho-ho,

Marinka, TMH

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I am a military wife. We’ve been married for four years and my husband is currently deployed (it has only been 9 months). Since we’ve known each other, our sex life has been really almost non-existent. Every time we’ve had sex, I have initiated everything and to make things worse we never finish either.

He always seems to find an excuse to avoid the subject and only seems to react to it when I get really quiet and he finally realizes it bothers me.

What can I do? How can I help us? Especially when I find his porn collection, and to my surprise, these girls look nothing like me. I am a very feminine, petite Latina/Asian girl while he watches muscular girls with huge breasts.

Should I be freaking out at this point??? The reason I mention the 9 months is because after 9 months of not seeing each other, talking on the phone about how much he misses me and can’t wait to come home and have some ”quality time” with me (if you know what i mean), he came home and didn’t even acknowledge our sex life at all… Can you tell by now I am desperate?

Signed,

Military Wife
____________________________

Dear Military Wife,

This sounds like no fun at all, but try not to freak out just yet. Instead, let’s delve into the murky depths of male psychology.

It’s hard being a man, and not just during ‘flu season. Imagine the pressure: the whole world expects you to be super-horny all the time. This may have been true when you were a teenage boy, but as you get older, well. It’s just not the same any more. Sometimes a nice cup of tea and a sit down seems preferable.

Can most men admit this? Can they heck! Outwardly, they have to keep rambling on like some priapic maniac. Inwardly, they’re wondering what’s wrong with them. Some men just don’t have a very high sex drive. It’s as simple as that.

And after a 9-month gap, imagine the pressure! Your hubby knows you’re expecting a wild explosion of testosterone. Maybe he’s getting a little performance anxiety.

Don’t be perturbed by the porn – in fact, it might give us a bit of a clue about what’s going on here. Could he possibly have you on a bit of a pedestal? Are you maybe the kind of woman that he wants to take good care of, rather than give a good seeing-to? What I mean to say is: you don’t happen to look anything like his mother or his sister, do you?

Unfortunately, the only way to sort this out is the hard way – talking it over. Good luck to you, missus. There’s a good chance he won’t react very well when you first raise the issue. But be gentle, be kind, be persistent, and be ready to turn the other cheek if he gets angry. Explain that this is all because you really, really want him.

We all tend to see sex as very goal-oriented: erection -> orgasm -> ejaculation. Too often, that takes all the fun out of it. Maybe you could try to experiment with some NPS – which means non-penetrative sex, but can also mean no-pressure sex. I love Barbara Carrellas’s Urban Tantra for great tips on mind-blowing things to do with your hands.  And as – ahem – my book shows, you can definitely bring sex back from the dead with some time and effort.

Good luck! Try to keep your sense of humour, and, hey, maybe invest in a little porn stash of your own to pass the time while he’s away?

Betty x
(Who would henceforth like to be known as the Frisky English Housewife)

(post contains an Amazon affiliate link)

My husband wants to have sex with my best friend. We recently all went out for his birthday and I later found them on my bedroom floor clothed, but my husband was kissing her breast. She said she was drunk and didn’t do anything—including saying “no.”

We have been married 18 years and together since I was 15. He has cheated on me before and I know he has wanted her for a long time; she is very pretty and sweet. What do I do? I think he will eventually cheat with her.

Signed,

Married to a Cheaterpants

_________________________

Dear Married to a Cheaterpants,

Hmmmm, this one is a real head-scratcher of a question. And, quite honestly, I don’t know if I’ll be able to point you in the right direction here. Let me think, let me think, let me think….oh, I know! How about if we go back to your first sentence:

“My husband wants to have sex with my best friend.”

Should I call the moving van for you or would you prefer just a simple jetpack to blast your  ass out of this disgusting situation?

Because not to sound insensitive, but there’s not much of a gray area here, lady. He’s cheated on you before, he’s made it obvious he’s trying to sleep with your best friend and your best friend seems willing to go along with it. This is what we students of Lifetime Television refer to as “The Donna Mills Hot Mess Trifecta.” So unless you want to stick around to help raise your BFF and husband’s eventual love child, you need to get out while the gettin’s GOOD. (You can’t see me, but I’m doing that cool Jackée thing with my neck right now.)

I know leaving is way easier said than done, especially since you’ve been with him since you were 15 and probably have some co-dependency issues, but things are not going to get better. They’re just not. To quote Maya Angelou, “When a person shows you who they are, believe them.” And this guy has shown you time and time again that he’s nothing more than a complete asshole.

Call your friends, your family, your church—anyone who has the time, resources and love to help you, and start making plans to ditch this loser as well as your “best friend,” who may be “pretty and sweet,” but like this guy, isn’t any kind of friend I’d ever want. Jeez.

I know it’s tough, but listen: life’s too short to allow yourself to be treated like shit. The person you need to love the most right now is yourself because obviously nobody else is looking out for you. (Except us, because we’re just awesome like that.)

Please, keep us posted. We wish you all the best.

Sincerely,

Wendi, TMH

I got engaged in February, just two weeks before my boyfriend (now husband) got fired from his job. We got quickly court-house married so that he could have health insurance (we’ve been together over three years and still plan to have a wedding ceremony next year so it wasn’t that last-minute).

I’ve become the breadwinner while we slowly drain our house fund/his savings for monthly bills. At this point, I’m drowning in bills I had before we were married, plus the extra cost of all the groceries (we used to go halfsies), insurance and other things (lots of beer).

There is little I can do to make more money or save more money but HOW do I lessen the moment-to-moment terror I feel about my situation? I have heart-wrenching anxiety whenever I look at a receipt or my banking website.  Help me.

Signed,

This is Not Life with Prince Charming

_____________________________

Dear This is Not Life,

First of all, I’m so sorry for your financial problems and anxiety. This sounds like a really rough time for you. Take some deep breaths. (Yes, I promise my advice will get better than just telling you to breathe.)

You are anxious because you feel like you have no control over your financial situation. You need to immediately sit down with your husband and make a budget. Even if you are eating into your savings, it will make you feel better if you know exactly how much you can spend on groceries, gas and yes, even beer (although I do think a cheap bottle of Sauvignon Blanc is a better investment).  Now stick to that budget. If you are not of financial mind, find a friend who is good with numbers to help out with this.

Also, allow yourself one hour a week when you focus on your debt. That’s the time that you pay bills, look at your budget, drink wine, cry and stress out. Then do your best to let it go until the following week.

I would also recommend making time in your life for anything that might relieve a bit of your stress… a jog, watching a movie, writing, bubble baths, dancing like a maniac to “She Works Hard for the Money.” Whatever works.

I assume your husband is job hunting. Is there any kind of part time work he can take on temporarily to just bring in some cash? Because you are clearly feeling a heavy financial burden. Try to keep in mind that this is a temporary situation. Your husband will work again. The economy will get better. Life will improve.

But right now, feel free to vent to the Mouthy Housewives because you need to express all of these feelings. And we are the kind of ladies that will always listen.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Kelcey, TMH

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My husband has the worst smelling gas of anyone I know, but he thinks his *stuff* doesn’t stink. He passes gas in front of me all the time, despite my repeated requests for him to stop. The other night, we were lying in bed and he passed the most rancid, foul-smelling gas. In an attempt to be funny, he pulled the covers up over our heads and trapped me underneath. I nearly fainted. I was so upset by this careless, crude action, but he just laughed it off by saying, “Seriously!? Everyone f@rts! What’s the big deal? Lighten up, would you!?” How can I express my discomfort and disgust about his flatulence, without driving a wedge between us? I know gas is only natural, but my husband’s gas is making me want to sleep in a different bedroom.

Signed,

Dying in a Dutch Oven

___________________

Dear Dying in a Dutch Oven,

Guys are pigs.  Or dogs.  Or some other animal that has a fascination with its own nether regions and whatever comes out of them.  Maybe just males in general.

It’s ridiculous, but it’s true. Why do you think guys spend so much time fondling themselves in public where OH MY GOD, DUDE, EVERYONE CAN SEE YOU TOUCHING YOUR JUNK SO JUST STOP IT!

But this is not about that.

Except it is.

Guys seldom get beyond the point in their lives where they realize that body emissions aren’t cool. But your husband has, unfortunately, moved beyond the infantile “pull my finger” idiocy that some people [with XY chromosomes] consider to be the height of hilarity.  He thinks that trapping you in his stink is National Lampoon funny.

It’s not, of course.  No one thinks that’s funny.

As to what you can do?  You need to sit him down and explain that while he might find this amusing and not a big deal, it is a big deal to you and his dismissal of your feelings is hurtful.  If he can’t get past the fact that he doesn’t think you have a sense of humor, then just agree that you don’t have a sense of humor.  About this topic.  And that it’s important to you that he respect your feelings and work with you so that you’re not feeling like he doesn’t care about you at all.

Also, you may suggest that he get himself checked out – that level of stink is not normal and he may need to change his diet. Then take a deep, cleansing breath. You need one.

Good luck,

Suniverse, Guest TMH

A few days ago I found out something about my husband that has made me question if I really know this guy. We are newlyweds; it’s been 8 months since our wedding. I know everything about him, or so I thought. I uncovered his secret by accident.

I do not want to talk about what he has done but once I confronted him he was ashamed and apologetic and said he will never ever do it again. I believe him that he will not do it again but I just don’t know how to go on with my life as normal. I have lost some of the respect I had for him and will not trust him blindly anymore.

I told him he will have to earn my respect and trust again with his actions. I have agreed to forgive and forget and move on. However, for the past few days I have been a wreck. Everything reminds me of what he did.  Although I am confident he will not do it again, I can’t stop myself from remembering and crying whenever he is not around.

How can I heal and forget? I need advice on how to pull it together and go back to my normal life. I do not want to be in this depressed state forever. I love him and I want to move on.

Signed,

Please Help

___________________________________

Dear Help,

Oh, my.

I’ve been married for nearly fifteen years, and although I think I know my husband pretty darn well, he still hasn’t lost the capacity to surprise me.  Just a few months ago, for example, he surprised me with a trip to Europe.  For himself.  While I stayed at home with the kids, the cat and the sink full of dishes. We really learned a lot about each other in the conversation that followed the surprise.

You don’t say what the secret that you uncovered was, but I’m going to assume that it falls into one of two categories:

1. Something that he did before you were married/engaged that does not affect your relationship directly.

2. Something that he did after you were married/engaged and is a betrayal of your vows/commitment to each other.

If it is the former, you will need  to accept that he had a life before you two got together and find ways to let it go.  Of course it’s not as easy as it sounds, and I urge you to speak to a counselor, with your husband, about ways that you can overcome this obstacle.   You need to explore why this secret strikes such a chord with you, particularly if it is something that happened when he was younger and did not have your loving presence about him.

If it is the latter, as I suspect it is, and you feel that your marriage is in trouble, run and don’t walk to the counselor’s office.  You need to address the issues of betrayal as soon as possible before they have a chance to fester and multiply and take over your everyday life.  I am concerned that this is starting to happen already, and it appears to be affecting your well-being.

A last point: You said that you have agreed to forgive your husband and move on.  That is admirable, but forgiveness takes time and I don’t think you are there yet. Seek the help that your marriage needs to help you forgive. Who knows? You may be stronger than ever as a result.

I hope all the surprises in your future are good ones.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

My husband leaves piles of junk all over the house. It drives me crazy. I can’t just throw it all out because there are important receipts, business cards and bills mixed in with the movie stubs. But I’m sick of cleaning up after him. Any ideas?

Signed,

OMFG

__________________________________________

Dear OMFG,

Oh dear LORD, can I relate, woman. My husband is what I affectionately refer to as three-garage-sales-away-from-an-episode-of-Hoarders. He likes to save. EVERYTHING. And since I happen to be on the opposite end of the spectrum–in that I hate clutter and don’t understand why ALL dishes aren’t, in fact, disposable–it occasionally creates some conflict within our marriage.

Since I lack any sort of organizational skills, I can only tell you my personal coping strategies and hope that they guide you well. (Enough.)

1. Hide that shit in a drawer.

If I’m too exhausted or annoyed to weed through his piles, but also too irritated to look at the clutter for ONE MORE SECOND, I’ll just shove his junk out of view in a closet or something. This can be mildly rewarding, because it allows you the chance to pretend that this whole issue isn’t really happening! The downside, of course, is that he’ll start to accuse you when his papers go missing and he finds his gym shorts in the attic.

2. Retaliate.

What’s a pet peeve of his that you can exploit in an effort to more passive-aggressively communicate your issue? Does he hate it when you leave wet towels on the bathroom floor? Have sex with other men? Call him “Schmoopy” in front of his friends? Perhaps if your own personal happiness isn’t motivation for him to get himself in gear, his own humiliation and shame will work.

3. Help him out. However begrudgingly.

Your husband is likely leaving these piles around because he’s either too overwhelmed by the task of organizing everything or simply unequipped with the tools to accomplish the goal. (Of course, he could also just be frickin’ lazy, but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. As I do my husband. Ahem.) Get some file cabinets, folders, office organizing trays, and see if you can’t work together over the weekend to at least get his mess confined to one area of the house.

As fed up as you may be, try to remember that we all have our faults, and that some of those are simply more visible than others. And maybe for your next marriage, try to find yourself a nail-biter instead.

Good luck!

Kristine, TMH