I received a disturbing text message from my sister-in-law, my husband’s younger half-sister. It read: “You’re with a child molester. Your husband would molest me and my twin sister when we were little. I will take a lie detector test and pass with flying colors.”

I was so shocked and sickened after I read the message. I called my husband and he told me his sister was lying because, according to her twin, she was mad at him and also suffering from an ear infection and on antibiotics! WHAT??

My question to you is, should I confront my crazy sister-in-law or just leave this situation alone? I hate confrontation but I don’t want her harassing us anymore.

Signed,

Sad and Sickened

——————————————–

Dear Sad and Sickened,

Let me get this straight: your sister-in-law is accusing her brother of childhood molestation because she is mad at him and, also, because she has an ear infection? What would happen if she came down with pneumonia? Or the Avian Flu? Would she level charges of treason against everyone in her town? Blame her twin for the current economic crisis?

It seems possible that your sister-in-law is certainly suffering from something but it, most likely, has very little to do with her current ear infection.  Whether it is a serious psychological disorder or the effects of childhood trauma is difficult to determine and should be left to a professional.

Whatever her real issue, it’s important for you to communicate your limits to her. The in-law relationship can be fragile and difficult so it’s important to proceed with caution. Especially in this case. You need to state clearly and directly that if she is angry with your husband she needs to talk about it with him NOT you. I would suggest staying away from judging her emotional state and simply focus on the interaction between the two of you and setting strict boundaries.

At the end of the day, however, this is an extremely disturbing accusation. You owe it to yourself to make sure that there isn’t any validity to her indictment. It seems to me that although you wrote to us regarding your sister-in-law, you might be more concerned about her accusations than you are letting on. Sit down with your spouse and have an honest and frank discussion preferably in a safe environment with the presence of a therapist or mediator. Put any and all of your questions to rest.

Good Luck,

Tonya, TMH

Here are a few things we will be tucking away in our suitcase:

1. Valium – in case the booze is running low or the spouse needs a ‘time out.’

2. Elephant tranquilizer darts and spit gun – for when things get heated but you don’t want to get up because you finally grabbed the chair next to the plate of cookies.

3. Excedrine – for the migraines that come with sitting through another five hours of Aunt Sally describing her bowel surgery…again.

4. Ear plugs – for the plane ride and also to drown out annoying children, who may or may not be yours. Probably yours.

5. Zombie survival guide – because a zombie apocalypse is eerily close to what happens when the in-laws and extended families come together.

6. War and Peace (or any hefty masterpiece) – so that you can call out “I’ll be right there, almost done!” often.

7. Smelling salts – in case of a fainting spells brought on by too much togetherness, um, happiness.

8. Voodoo doll kit – no reason.

9. A shearling coat with a fleece lining to wear indoors because your mother-in-law moved to Florida to be warm but keeps the thermostat at a very refreshing 50 degrees.

10. Your gymnastics trophy from 5th grade so when your siblings start talking about their PhD’s, you have something to brag about too.

11. Your Justin Bieber musical toothbrush because it just isn’t the holidays until you’ve had a Bieber dance off in the bathroom with your Uncle Herbert.

12. Pencil and paper, a calculator and an abacus – because although family-time, holiday travel and preparations can be trying and exhausting, we know how lucky we are and we never stop counting our blessings.

13. And, of course, the gifts! If you’re like us and waited until the last minute, it’s going to be ok, we can give you some help on that too!

Happy Holidays from The Mouthy Housewives!

My mom has no family other than me, which my in-laws are aware of, yet for the past few years they’ve hosted Christmas at their house and haven’t invited her. They live out of state, so my husband and I end up fighting over where I’m “supposed” to go, and I inevitably end up staying with my mom while he travels alone to see his family.

I don’t see why my mom should have to sit home alone on Christmas when she could easily be invited. Her apartment is too small to host a holiday herself, but my husband and I have hosted many holidays at our house and his parents, siblings and the siblings’ girlfriends and boyfriends are always invited. I wouldn’t ever exclude one or both of his parents.

My in-laws also think nothing of discussing Christmas plans in front of my mom when they visit for other holidays, even though she’s the only person in the room who’s not invited, which she finds very hurtful. When I’ve brought up the issue to them in the past, they claimed that they just “didn’t think of her” and she would be invited next time, but she never has been.

They’ve known my mom for years and seem to get along well with her, so I don’t know why she’s not welcome at their house. My husband has said he’s afraid of confronting his parents, so he won’t back me up if I raise the issue again. What should I do?

Signed,

My Mom’s Home Alone

_______________________

Dear My Mom’s Home Alone,

I usually try to understand both sides of an issue before I give my brilliant Mouthy Housewives advice, however this time I’m not doing that. Because I absolutely-100%-without- even-a-hint-of-a-doubt think this: your in-laws are being jerks.

Unless your mom is an obnoxious drunk or a racist or a loudmouth about her political/religious/Kardashian views, I don’t see any reason why they wouldn’t include her when they know it means so much to their daughter-in-law. My parents happily invited my husband’s mom and dad to our family gatherings from the moment we were engaged and even celebrated birthdays with them when we weren’t there. And more recently, my dad has graciously invited elderly military widows to our Christmas dinners so they don’t have to spend the day alone. (Which is a wonderful thing until that scrappy Edith tries to steal the last drumstick.)

As to why your in-laws being so stingy in this time of giving? Well, they could be one of those families that tend to be rather clannish and don’t like outsiders. (“It’s just The Andersons!”) Or they don’t like your mother for some reason they won’t disclose. Or maybe, and most probably, they’re just completely thoughtless. But the reason doesn’t really matter when it’s causing you and your mom so much hurt.

My advice is to tell your husband again that this is a huge problem for you. They’re his parents, and you’ve already let them know how you feel, so he’s got to man up and talk to them. If he does, great. If not, tell him that you’ll be spending the holiday with your mother and not him. It’s an unfortunate situation, but nobody should be alone on the holidays and you’re a good daughter for knowing that.

I wish you the best of luck with the situation and welcome any of our readers to weigh in with their advice. As Washington Irving said, “Christmas! ‘Tis the season for kindling the fire for hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.” Hopefully your in-laws will pull their heads out and realize the wisdom of that sentiment some day soon.

Best,

Wendi, TMH

My mother-in-law is a psycho.  She wants to spend time with my kids, but she uses the time at our house to tear through their closets and throw away baby clothes that I have saved while also telling my kids what a bad housekeeper I am.

My house is pretty clean, but she points out any little thing I’ve missed. The kids are usually miserable and tell me everything she’s said about me. She’s also super religious, but has been divorced five times, so I really don’t want any of her advice on anything.

Is there a way to cut her out of our lives without moving to another state?  I read you every day and love your advice.

Thanks,

Norma Bates’ Daughter-in-Law

_________________________

Dear NB’s Daughter-in-Law,

I applaud your optimism in thinking that moving to another state would put a stop to your mother-in-law.  Unless, of course, you mean one of the  non-contiguous states, in which case you may stand a chance.  But since you want to stay put, let’s table that move to Alaska for now.

The solution to your situations rests in using your mother-in-law’s powers for good (i.e. babysitting and cleaning) while minimizing her potential for evil (destroying your property and er…talking to your children.)

I’m not going to tell you how to get rid of her and not just because The Mouthy lawyers are breathing down my neck.  But besides such “legal technicalities,” I think that kids benefit from having a relationship with their grandparents.  Even wacky ones.  Is it possible that your children are miserable because they are “caught in the middle?”  If so, let them know that it is okay to love their grandmother even if you (and they) do not agree with the things she does and says.  Unless you think that your mother-in-law’s behavior is poisoning your children against you, try these steps.

Step One:  Talk to  your husband.  I don’t know what’s going on, but some men get touchy when you try to eliminate members of their family behind their backs. Although, if you got rid of your husband, the mother-in-law would probably follow, so it’s something to think about. Especially if you took Kardashian vows.  Discuss your concerns with your husband and get his feedback. If it is of the grunt-shrug-oh, she’s my mother! variety, let him know about Step Two.

Step Two: Talk to your mother-in-law.  Tell her that you appreciate her help, but that you need to have some ground rules so that everything runs more smoothly.  Ask her to agree that you and she will not discuss each other with the children.  You know, because you’re adults.

Let her know that you don’t want her getting rid of any of your things. It’s a little insane that you even have to say this, but do it.  Ask her if she’s willing to help you with some domestic projects while she’s watching the kids.  If she is, give her something to do: organize the linen closet, polish the silver, dust the Mona Lisa, that kind of thing.

Step Three: If the first two steps don’t work, stop asking her to babysit. If she comes over uninvited, limit her visit to half an hour or so, while you are around.  Make sure you are within earshot and tackle any issues as they come up head-on.

After a few weeks of Step Three, try repeating Steps One and Two again.

Hopefully, thanks to your fancy footwork, things will be smoother.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

And just recently, Megan created an online tutorial that guides you through the art of craft photography, so it looks like there might be hope for the rest of us!

Today, she’s got some insight for a bride-to-be that is competing for the attention of her soon-to-be groom with her in-laws. Take it away, Megan! –Kristine

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My fiancé and I wanted a private wedding ceremony this fall, but his parents found out and were extremely upset. They tried guilting him into involving at least their family, completely disregarding our wishes for a wedding we are paying for. Thankfully he has somewhat fended for us, but he did so by lying to them, telling his family that we are not getting married until next summer with a “traditional” wedding. (But the truth is that we’re just going to go through with it without telling anyone.)

Cue more problems. Our secret wedding is next month and everything was looking well until his vacation time had the possibility of being obliterated. He told his supervisor that he really needs the time off, but refuses to tell them that it’s due to us getting married because…wait for it…his dad works at the same company! I get that he wants to not upset his family until after we’ve already gone through with it, but I find it pretty ridiculous that he feels he can’t fight for his vacation. He seems more concerned about their feelings than the possibility all our wedding plans may get royally screwed.

He tells me I’m overreacting, but I don’t know. We are starting a family, and yet it feels it is being somewhat controlled by his family. What do you think?

Sincerely,

Sidelined Bride

__________________________________________

Dear Sidelined Bride,

Congrats on your upcoming nuptials! As someone who eloped in Hawaii, I understand the allure of a low-cost/low-stress “private” wedding ceremony. I also appreciate how challenging it can be when the family gets wind of the plans and then tries to change them. From their point of view, a wedding is a day to be shared with loved ones. From yours, it’s an intimate, private occasion. Your fiancé’s point of view is…well…what, exactly? I’m sure you two are both stoked about starting your lives together, but if he’s waffling about taking time off to get married, we’ve got a wee issue.

Would the Princess Bride have been the romantic cinematic benchmark it was if Westley had said, “As long as it’s ok with my parents” instead of “As you wish?”

I’m not saying your fiancé needs to prove his love by bowing to your every request, but I think you two need to be on the same page when it comes to the kind of wedding you are actually having. I’m guessing that if he lied to his family and said there would be a traditional wedding next summer, a teeny weenie part of him WANTS that. While it is your day, “mawwage” is full of compromise; so understanding what’s really important to the both of you should be laid out on the table before the rings are exchanged. Maybe you guys sneak off and have your quickie ceremony (if that’s what you’re both into) and then plan a family-friendly reception next summer complete with vow-reenactment and Andre the Giant ablaze outside the church. It may feel like the in-laws are pulling the strings, but if you and Westley (or, whatever your fiancé’s name is) are united as a team, everything else will fall into place.

Talk it out, really listen to each other, and have fun storming the castle!

xoxo
Megan, Guest TMH

My mother in law’s kitchen burned down which led to damage to the rest of the house, so she and her 16 year-old son are staying with us for a while. But it’s only been 2 weeks and, already, I can’t take it anymore. She’s a conniving, two-faced drama queen. It never bothered me before because we rarely saw her. Now my husband, 2 year old and I share our apartment with her and her son.

They have taken over my life. I haven’t had a minute alone with my husband since they got here. She won’t eat my food, and when she cooks she turns my kitchen into a salmonella- infested war zone. They don’t knock. They’re filthy. They’re loud. They are everything I hate in this world. But… she has nowhere else to go.

I’m 6 months pregnant. I’m tired. I’m frustrated. How can I get her to respect that it’s my house and that I need privacy, peace and quiet, without having her throw an award winning sob fest while making me look like a monster? Help!

Signed,

Frustrated

_____________________________________

Dear Frustrated,

Living in such close quarters with so many people would be maddening under the best of circumstances. Your situation, however, sounds like an episode of Hell’s Kitchen, peppered with a little bit of Super Nanny and infused with Hoarders.

As much as you cannot change her or your brother-in-law’s behavior, you can absolutely lay some ground rules.  Any success with that, however, is probably going to be contingent on your husband. This is his mother, and if she’s prone to drama and victim-playing, it will be much easier for him to establish an understanding without her pegging you as some sort of tyrant.

As awkward as it may be at first, some firmness and rules should help relieve some of your stress. It’s not unfair for you to request that she clean up after cooking, for instance. Both you and your  toddler can be more susceptible to viruses and infection; her selfishness and laziness should not be catered to at the expense of your health. Of course, delivery is key, so avoid phrases like “I hate you” or “you’re ruining my life” or “here’s the number to the motor lodge.” Instead opt for phrases such as “to help us all feel more comfortable” or “to avoid conflict” or “so that I don’t end up duct-taping you and your son and throwing you both in a hall closet.” That kind of thing.

Now, if the discussion turns into a confrontation, try to work on the problem from another angle. Reach out to her friends or other family to see if they can host them for even just a week at a time. Also, consider overseeing or helping to expedite the clean-up process at her house, since it will only benefit you in the long run. Whatever you do, be selfish. Advocate for yourself in your own home, and get your husband’s complete support in dealing with his I’m-sure-she’s-lovely-but-omfg-I’m-glad-she’s-not-mine mother.

Godspeed,

Kristine, TMH

My four-year-old son was throwing pillows at me while we were playing around. I went to tickle him when he fell funny on my bed so I grabbed him and accidentally scratched his face. I feel awful. He looks awful. It didn’t bleed but it is nasty looking. Now, my husband — we don’t get along very well — told me that he is going to tell his mother! I’m so scared that he is going to turn this into something more and I already feel really horrible as it is, any advice?

Signed,

Terrified of a Tattler

Let’s address the more serious issue here first, shall we: YOUR HUSBAND IS GOING TO TELL HIS MOMMY ON YOU? Even if you are separated or getting a divorce or, perhaps, just staying married, but agreeing to disagree,  I still must ask: Say WHAT now? He’s going to TATTLE? To his MOTHER?

Is she the dictator of her very own country and can enforce Marshall law?

Is her name Kris Jenner and can she quickly kick you out of the 100 million dollar family business?

Is she the reincarnation of J. Edgar Hoover?

If the answer to all of the above questions is “No” then I suggest letting your toddler, er, I mean, husband, tell his mommy on you. Perhaps, when he is tattling he can also ask his mommy at what date he will be a big boy and can make big boy decisions, like, oh, I don’t know, getting married and having a family of his own?!

As to the second part of your issue: the facial mutilation. When my son was 2 he tried to jump out of my arms and as I went to hold him back I scratched his eye. For the next few weeks he would only answer to the name “Le Chiffre” (the 007 villain in Casino Royale).

It happens to all of us. As a mom, I am extremely surprised when I see a child who doesn’t have any scrapes or bruises. That’s when it’s time to be worried! Kids fall. It’s actually one of the things they do best, like finding the one permanent marker in the whole house and using it to “decorate” their face or asking “why” or refusing to eat vegetables. So, my advice is to own this mistake and, even, if possible, turn it into a joke between you and your son. Leave your husband in time out and don’t answer the door when your MIL comes around. And before the timer goes out on your husband’s time in the naughty chair, the scrape on your son’s face will be gone!

Good Luck,

Tonya, TMH

image source

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Throughout the 18 years that I have been with my husband, I have established a disturbing pattern with my in-laws. I have let them guilt me into hosting every single family occasion— birthdays, holidays, showers, all of it! Even worse, they show up early EVERY time! If it was just my MIL that showed up early (she showed up 1.5 hours early for the last celebration), I could pin her down and let her know. But sometimes it’s my lovely sister in law and sometimes it’s my loud FIL, with his equally loud girlfriend. My husband has sympathy for me but he doesn’t say anything to them. What do I do? I’m sick of one of them showing up when I’m still preparing food, or sweeping the floor, or possibly getting out of the shower!
Signed,

In-Law Issues
_________________

Dear In-Law Issues,

There is no excuse for company arriving early. You’ve already agreed to allow them into your home, feed them and put on your hostess face. The least your in-laws can do is not take up more of your time than necessary.

Since the problem persists with more than one family member, the best solution is to address them all at once. The most effective way to do this is to hang a sign on your front door.

For example:

“My invitation was for 6pm. Feel free to wait in your car.”

If your husband insists you entertain his family from the second they arrive, I suggest the following sign alternative:

“My invitation was for 6pm. I have left a game of Trivial Pursuit in the driveway to occupy you until that time.”

If your goal is to get other family members to take over hosting duties, take advantage of the fact that the in-laws are on your home turf. You are in the perfect position to ruin special occasions for them altogether.

For instance, for the next holiday dinner, send your dining room table out for refinishing and then make everyone eat on the floor.

If it’s a child’s birthday party you’re hosting, pick that time to announce your conversion to veganism. “Where’s the cake, auntie?” “Sorry, no can do. But here’s a plate of raw agave macaroons!”

For a baby shower, plan a game where everyone must tell their birthing horror stories. Serve placenta mocktails and invite the mom-to-be’s obstetrician to show instructional videos as entertainment.

The trick is to continue to act eager to host. I guarantee they’ll find another plan by Christmas.

Happy hosting!

Ilana, Guest TMH

My in-laws watch my daughter a few days a week while I work. My mother-in-law is a bit of a whacka-doo, but deep down a good person who just happens to drive me crazy. Yesterday she told me that she had my 1 year old daughter on her lap doing a “horsey ride” while she was taking a dump. Really?! Really?! You have got to be f*ing kidding me lady. Is that situation at all sanitary (I’m a bit of a germ-a-phobe)? I’m usually outspoken, but I was completely speechless and just left pissed off. Should I have said something? Is that possible to do without being offensive? Help!

Signed,

Stunned

_______________

Dear Stunned,

Um…

Errr….

Ahh…..

(Wendi wipes sweat off her brow and tries to quell her waves of nausea with an old Thin Mint cookie she just found under her worktable.) (It’s totally not working.)

POOPING WHILE YOU HOLD YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER
IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.

Didn’t think I’d be saying that sentence when I woke up this morning, did I? But let’s recap: Your MIL was playing Horsey with your baby while she (the MIL) had a bowel movement. Then she had the friggin’ balls to TELL you about it? I do believe she’s just entered the annals of The Mouthy Housewives Mothers-In-Law From Hell, Volume 2.

I mean, I understand that watching a baby is tough and that you can’t always get away for “personal business,” but that’s why Graco invented Pack ‘n Plays, right? I would think your MIL could have just waited until the baby was asleep to do her #2, and if she for some reason couldn’t wait, then maybe she should be in diapers, too. Yikes.

However, here’s the thing: she’s your MIL. She’s your babysitter. And for those reasons, she totally owns you. Meaning, don’t make a stink. (See what I did right there? STINK!?) Unless this or something even weirder happens again, I’d just wince and bear it. She loves your baby and, in her eyes, she didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, she’s probably proud of her multi-tasking.  So I say, let it go and be sure to dip your baby in Purell when you get her home, just for good measure.

That said, maybe I’m wrong (for once) and you actually should confront her and explain your boundaries. What do all y’all think? Let us know in the comments—we’re all ears.

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

I’m allergic to my mother-in-law. No, for reals. She wears a very strong perfume and it gives me headaches. I hate hugging her because then my shirt is left smelling like a Grandma instead of the young, hot housewife that I am. (OK, that part is not for reals.)

When she stays at our house, the perfume invades every possible room, and the kids’ clothes and beds smell like Grandma, too. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but she can be hypersensitive and difficult to talk to. Suggestions?

Signed,

Zyrtec Doesn’t Cover Mothers-In-Law

________________

Dear Zyrtec Doesn’t Cover Mothers-In-Law,

Oh, the poor mother-in-laws of the world. Can’t they ever catch a break? They meddle, they nitpick, they harangue, they have inconvenient hot flashes. What a bunch of Chico’s wearing jackasses. In fact, I’m seriously considering telling my boys to never get married just so I don’t have to ever worry about some woman begging the Internet for advice on dealing with her crazy mother-in-law’s Barry Manilow obsession.

Sigh. It’s hard out there for a MIL.

But all kidding aside, I completely empathize with your problem because I loathe heavy perfume and cologne, too. And don’t even get me started on that Axe Body Spray crap that smells like white, hot douchebag death. Seriously, anyone who wears it should be immediately set aflame, then sprayed down with a fire hose until their top layer of skin is completely removed. DIS-GUS-TING.

Now where was I?

Ah, yes. Stinky-In-Law!

I’m not going to advise you to give her a new perfume that you like better, because she’s going to wear what she wants to wear. I’m also not going to advise you to ask your husband to talk to her for you, because that’s probably not good for anyone. What I am going to advise you to do is tell her that you and the kids have just been diagnosed with a sensitivity to perfume and your house now needs to be fragrance-free. (Yes, that’s a little white lie, but with the headaches, you probably are somewhat allergic to it.)

If she’s a smart MIL, she’ll realize that’s most likely not true, but that you’re saying it that way to spare her feelings. And then hopefully she’ll stop wearing the scent, everything will be all better and the two of you will be entered into the record books as one of the world’s first MIL/DIL success stories. Hooray!

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH