His Ex-Wife Still Attends the Family BBQ
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve been married to my husband for 18 months and we’re both in our 50’s. I could really use your advice concerning his ex-wife. She still thinks his family is her family. She attends every family gathering, seems to be in cahoots with my mother-in-law, and they don’t get why the situation is uncomfortable.
My husband and I refuse to have anything to do with the family until they prune the Ex from the tree, but my mother-in-law won’t accept “our” family unless we accept who she chooses to have in hers. The rest of the family won’t take a stand either way.
Should we stand our ground and stay away until there is a funeral to go to? Or should we kick some butt and tell the ex-wife she’s been paid dearly to move on with her life, so move on?
Signed,
New Bride
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Dear New Bride,
With the help of tarot cards (which strangely resemble Uno cards from the top of my fridge), I sense you have underlying resentment against the ex-wife, perhaps based on the money she received in the divorce. Could this be the source of your “uncomfortable” feeling?
Now, one thing the tarot cards aren’t clear on is your strong desire to be around your in-laws. Unless they serve expensive French wines at every gathering, I don’t understand this territorial war over familial rights.
Exactly why are you picking this fight? Is it because your in-laws are such lovely people that you want to build a bond with them without the complications of past relationships? Or because you want to prove which female of the three has the power in your husband’s life now?
If it’s the former, the tarot cards suggest spending time with your in-laws outside of family gatherings: invite them over for dinner, visit them on a random Saturday, etc. As they get to know you better, especially in a more relaxed environment, they will probably want to spend more time with you than with the ex-wife. She will most likely pick up this vibe at family functions and begin attending less frequently.
If it’s the latter and you are simply engaging in a three-way power struggle, then the orgy tarot card comes up, which I interpret as meaning you are all screwed. No one can “win” this fight, and when it comes to issuing ultimatums to family members, honey, the only tarot card left is the Fool.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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My MIL’s Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Every time I visit my MIL, I’m freezing. She’s been going through menopause for 15 years and insists that the temperature be kept ridiculously low. It’s not just me. Everyone is cold… my husband, my kids. I pile on the sweaters, but it doesn’t really help. I hate being so physically uncomfortable at her home. What should I do?
Signed,
Freezing My Bum Off In Indiana
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Dear Bum Freezer,
Remember that great Jim Croce song from the 70′s—the one that goes, “You don’t tug on Superman’s cape. You don’t spit in the wind. You don’t pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger and you don’t mess around with Jim”? Well, replace “Jim” with “menopausal mother-in-law” and you’ll know what kind of high-stakes danger we’re dealing with here. Hell hath no fury like a Woman with a Hot Flash, my friend. That’s why you’ll never find me in a Chico’s store in Phoenix in the summer—it’s just too damn risky. I really don’t want to get strangled to death with reasonably priced resort wear.
Now, the answer as to how you can all keep warm at Chez MIL when the thermostat is set at Arctic levels is obvious. Everybody ready? On the count of three, here we go—one, two, three…
SNUGGIES!
Next time you visit, just pull one of those babies out for everyone but her, and she’ll feel like she’s surrounded by a group of crazyass Druids. You can even start chanting “Ice, Ice Baby” for some added fun. (But don’t try to do the Vanilla Ice dance moves when Snuggiefied or you’ll most likely get an internal injury or two.)
If that doesn’t work, you should just delicately and honestly express your concerns. Say that you truly love to see her, but the low temperatures in her house make everyone feel uncomfortable. If your visit is just for a few hours, it shouldn’t be too hard for her to warm it up a little. If she still won’t, try to come up with reasons for her to visit your house instead during the winter. That way you’ll be in charge of the all-important thermostat.
So good luck, Bum Freezer. I hope this works out for you and your family. And remember—keep those Snuggies in a safe place because your children are going to need them when it’s your turn to go through menopause. Brrrrr.
Love,
Wendi, TMH
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Hey, have you heard? BlogHer ’10 is coming to NYC this summer and some of the Mouthy Housewives (together with Aunt Becky!) have put together a proposal for a room, called Dear Abby 2.0: Giving Advice in the Blogosphere. It’s going to be fantastic, but we need your help. Just click here, log on to BlogHer and then click “I would attend this session” (it’s just above the title: Dear Abby 2.0). After you click it it will miraculously say “I would not attend this session.” This means that your vote for the session has been successfully registered. Thank you! And see you in NYC!
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The Thong’s The Thing….
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How Do You Spell ‘Idiot’? With no ‘e’
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have always spelled my name without an “e” at the end…as in, always. My husband’s family (we have been married for more than twenty years) still spells it with an “e” on every birthday and Christmas card. It drives me crazy! In the 2008 Christmas cards, I actually signed my name and put in brackets after (with no “e”). Guess what, for my birthday and for Christmas 2009, ALL the cards had my name WITH an “e”!
How can I deal with this?
Signed,
Irritated by In-laws
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Dear Erritated,
This has a simple solution: Begin misspelling all of their names too. Let’s say your father-in-law’s name is John. On his next birthday, write in the card, “Happy Birthday, Jerke!”
See how that works? You could even say, “Happy Birthday, Jerk (with no ‘e’)” since that seems to be a sort of calling card for you.
Or you could say “Happy Birthday, Jon,” if you would rather take a more tone-downed, sissy approach. But be warned! You’ll lose face with the Mouthy Housewives if you do.
Signed,
Haehter, TMH
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I Love It, Can I Have It?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My sister-in-law likes my stuff. She likes my stuff so much that every time she visits she asks things like, “Can I have those earphones?” and “Oh I love this lotion! Can I have it?” and “That antique dresser would look way better at my house, can I have it?”
My house is not a fire sale. I like my stuff as much as she does and have no desire to give it away. When I ask my husband to politely tell her to keep her filthy mitts off, he just shrugs and says, “That’s just my sister’s personality.” How can I tell my sister-in-law to buy her own housewares and still be invited to family functions?
Signed,
For The Love Of Stuff
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Dear Stuff Lover,
I’ve heard that in some cultures, it’s a high compliment to tell someone that you want their things. I was just in a middle of a letter to President Obama asking him to put those countries within the axis of evil and proceed accordingly.
Because having family over is traumatic enough, without them pilfering your belongings. Assuming that your sister-in-law is over the age of nine, the age where most children are developmentally able to grasp the concept of “not mine,” there are some strategies to combat her outrageous behavior.
Tell her No.
Let’s practice.
Sister-in-law: “I love that chair! Can I have it?”
You: “No.”
Sister-in-law: “What a great vase! It’ll look great at my house.”
You: “Sure, take it!”
Sister-in-law: “Really? Thanks!”
You: “Of course not! Who does this kind of thing? Get away from my stuff!”
Repeat as necessary. After a few months, she should realize that your stuff is not hers for the asking and stop.
If not, just show up at her house and start asking for stuff.
“That ruby ring is so gorgeous, but is not really flattering on you, hand it over,” you may try.
Or, “I love your china set. Why don’t I take it, since you’re not exactly a fancy cook?” If she agrees, great news! You just got lots of stuff to unload on eBay. If she seems outraged, congratulate her on her very Aha! Moment. Even Oprah would be proud.
Toodles,
Marinka, TMH
