Why Are Mothers-in-Law Such Hags?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am engaged to marry in August. It is the 2nd marriage for both of us. I have two sons ages 18 & 14. He has one son age 4. His former wife is now re-married, but his mother still insists on having her in our lives. She went to the hospital when the ex-wife had her child with the present husband, who is no relation, and my (future) mother-in-law buys that child gifts. Yet, she refuses to acknowledge my children whatsoever!! She has even refused to come to our home for a holiday dinner if MY children were going to be there!
Am I right for hating this woman?
Signed,
Future Daughter-in-Law to a Hag
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Dear Future Daughter-in-Law,
Of course you are right for hating this woman. It’s in the marriage by-laws, for crying out loud. Well, maybe it’s not, but at the very least we whisper the vow “and to hate your mother” right after we promise to love, honor and cherish the groom, right?
Yet hating our mothers-in-law lumps us in with one of life’s biggest clichés. I don’t know about you but I really hate living a cliché. Also, I want to make sure you’re actually complaining about your mother-in-law NOT coming over to your home. I’m confused – is that a problem? Unless you need her visits as an excuse to drink, and if that’s the case, how dare she ruin that for you!
I don’t understand why there is tension between wives and mothers-in-law other than it’s some sick yet deeply embedded power struggle. (And a lot of mothers-in-law are hags.) This conflict appears to be part of the human game, but the good thing about being human (other than opposable thumbs which serve us well when holding a wine glass) is we can make a conscious choice to play along with the power struggle or not. You can play along, in which case you’ll have a lot of company but not much fun. Or you can decide not to get in the ring with her, go about with your life and be happy.
Happiness really is the best revenge against hags.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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Can I be Friends with My Ex Brother-In-Law?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband’s sister is recently divorced (within the past year). She didn’t want the marriage to end and is having a very tough time moving on. During their marriage, I was really good friends with her ex, my brother-in-law. We often commiserated about being the “out-laws” and counseled each other on handling some of the less than favorable family traits that our spouses each inherited. We got along well.
So while their marriage didn’t work (he ultimately ended it and moved on to someone new a bit too soon, if you know what I mean), I really miss talking with and hanging out with him. I haven’t had any contact with him since the divorce was finalized. Do I need to sever my ties with him because she did? Did I mention I was matron of honor at their wedding?
Signed,
Family Ties
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Dear Family Ties (AKA Alex P. Keaton),
So just to clarify, you were the matron of honor in this woman’s wedding and you want to know if it’s ok to hang out with her ex? And the answer is….
No. It’s totally not ok. Not even a smidgen.
Sorry.
Let me explain why.
1. She’s still your sister-in-law.
2. He’s no longer part of the family.
3. He’s now hanging with Miss young hottie and your sister-in-law is having a rough time.
4. Finally, let’s say you do reconnect. What are you going to do with the guy? Get together for a coffee? A spirited game of Scrabble? Watch “The Bachelor”? It’s all sort of pointless. And if word gets back to your husband’s family, it will mean all kinds of hurt feelings and awkwardness.
I understand your intentions are good. I think my mother used to like one of my ex-boyfriends more than me. They talked gardening, needle point, interior decorating. You know, I’m starting to understand why it didn’t work out with this guy. Sure, my mom was sad we didn’t end up together but they did one last shopping spree for throw cushions and then she knew it was time to let go.
Because I know from watching too many Olive Garden commercials, when you’re here, you’re family. So when you’re not here, you’re out.
Now I’m craving bread sticks.
Good luck to you,
Kelcey, TMH
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To Pic or Not To Pic: The Holiday Card Debate
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Last year I sent out holiday cards that included my husband (then fiancé) and me in front of our first house that we just bought two months before. There was something tasteful on the front like, “From our home to yours, Happy Holidays.” Fast forward to this year’s card in which I selected a few fun pictures of my husband and me encompassing the major events of the year (wedding, honeymoon, vacations, etc.).
Upon showing it to my husband he lowers a bomb – my mother in-law told him that she thought our card last year was “tacky.” Apparently she believes that unless photo Christmas cards have pictures of kids on them, they’re “inappropriate.” Faced with this new information, what am I supposed to do? Do I just omit her from my mailing list (preferred)? Send her one anyway, just to piss her off? Or am I in the wrong here; is it really tacky to send out picture of just a couple with no kids?
Signed,
Photogenic Pam
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Dear Pam,
For reasons that are not completely clear to me, kids are considered cute in our society and photos of them on holiday cards are seen as adorable. But, as I like to say, you’ve seen one kid, you’ve seen them all. Oh, I know it’s not politically correct, but give me a break– who the hell can tell all those kids apart? If you don’t believe me, cut out your friends’ kid’s faces from their holiday cards, throw them in a bowl and then play “whose kid is it?” You’ll be waving the white flag in no time.
And now your own mother-in-law has bought into this nonsense. You’d think that an older woman like herself would be a bit more sensitive about, you know, not being a child. Besides, what are you supposed to do if you don’t have any kids? In my experience, parents tend to react strongly if you try to sneak in a photo of their kid.
So you can either send her a generic holiday card with your name signed below, or you could send her the holiday card that you prepared to send to your family and friends. I recommend that you ask your husband which option would make him more comfortable. In my book, either one is acceptable. What is not acceptable, however, is making catty comments about the greeting that you’d been sent. Unless, of course, it’s totally behind someone’s back, with no chance of it being reported back to them.
Happy holidays to you. Here’s to many years of photos.
Marinka, TMH
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You Stop Telling Me What To Do With My Lactating Boobies and I’ll Do The Same
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My sister-in-law nursed most of her kids until they were almost 4 years old. She had to wean her youngest child due to cancer since the treatment wouldn’t allow it. She recently had a miscarriage, which caused her milk to come in and she is now nursing the previously weaned child who is almost four. She claims it is helping with some ongoing health issues the child has had for the last year (thanks to not immunizing). I am totally weirded out by this. I don’t feel comfortable around it.
I know that breastfeeding is natural and what not, but I really don’t think this situation is! No one else but me and my husband seem to have a problem with this. We are expecting twins next month and are getting lectures from her on how it’s wrong that we aren’t planning to breastfeed the whole time. I want to tell her if she’s trying to convince me, that is DEFINITELY not the way to do it. I have tried to keep my mouth shut about what she’s doing, but the more she criticizes my decision, the more I want to tell her that what she’s doing is sick and wrong!! I mean really, who just starts nursing a 4-year-old child! If she really wants the benefits, couldn’t she at least pump and put it in a glass or something???
Am I wrong to be so grossed out by this? Is there anything I can say to her to get her to respect my decision and to nicely tell her that I don’t feel comfortable with what she’s doing?
Thank you,
Grossed Out
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Dear Grossed Out,
I must first advise everyone to don police riot armor and prepare for bottle feeders to chuck baby bottles at the lactivists, who are retaliating by squirting breast milk into the eyes. These things can turn ugly if you aren’t very careful.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I must say that I am a former breastfeeder, so I tend to side with other breastfeeding women. On the other hand, I was exclusively bottle-fed as a child and turned out to be highly intelligent, not to mention a first-class beauty, so I don’t think bottle-feeding is wrong either.
I’m not going to tell you if you are right or wrong to feel grossed out by your sister-in-law’s extended breastfeeding. What I will tell you is that it’s a waste of your time to keep feeling so, obviously your sister-in-law will continue on as she sees fit. Stop ruminating on it or your babies could be born with forked tails.
I think both you and your sister-in-law need to realize you haven’t lived each other’s lives. She’s been through cancer, had to wean her child in order to help SAVE HER LIFE, lost another child to miscarriage and because of it, suddenly had a second chance to nurse the child she was forced to wean. Can we really say what we would do in that situation? No, not if we’re truly honest with ourselves. I mean, if I had to face my own mortality, I would probably try to breastfeed baby Jesus.
You’re having twins and I don’t know what it’s like to try to exclusively breastfeed two babies. Who am I to judge what you should or shouldn’t do? But my sister-wife Kelcey does know. She began supplementing with formula and her twins are still absolutely gorgeous, happy, and I hear they are already solving polynomial equations.
If you can, find a way to talk with your sister-in-law about respecting each other’s choices, even if you don’t agree with them. If you want her to stop harping on your feeding choices, then you really should stop harping on hers. If this isn’t possible, then grin and bear it when she nurses, or just throw a blanket over your head so you can’t see it. When she tries to lecture you, say something dismissive, such as “Oh, who knows how long we’ll breastfeed, it’s hard to know ahead of time” (this is completely true) or “You can trust us to make the best decision for our twins” and hopefully she’ll take the hint.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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I’m Not Flashing My Boobs at Mardi Gras, I’m Just Breastfeeding
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
In honor of international breastfeeding month, I am currently exclusively nursing my 7-week-old baby. We haven’t even given her a bottle yet. Unfortunately, this has started to cause some tension between me and my in-laws.
First of all, my mother-in-law is insistent that I give the baby a bottle so she can feed her. Secondly, I get banished to the bedroom whenever it is time for baby to eat because they don’t feel comfortable with breastfeeding. If I can nurse at an outdoor concert with 5,000 people, I have yet to figure out why I can’t nurse in front of family at my own house. How do I deal with my anti-breastfeeding mother-in-law?
Signed,
Don’t Go Hatin’ the Breasts
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Dear Don’t Go Hatin’ the Breasts,
Because I’m the only Mouthy Housewife currently breastfeeding (although I’ve suspected that Heather is an undercover wet nurse), I thought I should answer your question. It’s fabulous that you’re breastfeeding your child, but girl, pump a little milk and feed that kid a bottle. I don’t care about your MIL, but if you ever want to go see a movie, get a mani/pedi, take a yoga class, enjoy a dinner out, hit the rifle range, you’ll want your baby to take a bottle.
The reason being that some babies don’t like that rubber nipple, so the longer you wait, the harder it could get. Take my daughter Summer. When she was a baby, she just refused to take a bottle. I begged. I pleaded. I threatened. I told her that in two years when the American Academy of Pediatrics gave her the go ahead to watch television, I would deny her “CSI: Miami” unless she tried the bottle. But nothing worked. Stubborn little monster. So please, start that bottle thing pronto so you can have some flexibility in your life.
As far as breastfeeding in your own home, you have a right to do it anywhere you want. You can breastfeed on your dining room table if you like, just move that Nambé crystal fruit bowl first. Your MIL should not be able to dictate where you feed your child. But to try to smooth family relations, put one of those breastfeeding cover ups over you, so your MIL doesn’t pass out when she catches a glimpse of your sexy lactating nipple.
When you’re at her house, follow her rules and breastfeed privately. This can be a special time to bond with your child or in other words, catch up on what’s happening on your iPhone.
Good luck to you.
Signed,
Kelcey, TMH
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