So, About This Turkey Thing
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am a culinary disaster. Everything I cook turns out horribly, and I really hate being in the kitchen. My husband has invited his parents over for Thanksgiving dinner, and I know he would be really happy if I made a home cooked feast. What should I do?
Signed,
Turkey Trouble
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Dear Turkey Trouble,
That’s funny, because my husband would be really happy if I walked the Victoria Secret runway in a bra, g-string and those huge -ass Angel wings attached to my back, but that’s not happening either. Perhaps our husbands can get together and commiserate about ways in which we are not making their dreams come true. It could be a real Iron John bonding moment, and if we surreptitiously film it, I’m sure we’ll become YouTube millionaires.
I’m sure that your husband appreciates many of your other fine qualities, like the fact that you will even consider the notion of entertaining his parents for Thanksgiving. It’s time for a moment of truth–can you handle a turkey? Personally, I think that’s a tall order if you loathe all things kitchen. The chances for failure and frustration are just too great. And if you mess up the Thanksgiving Turkey, it’s some sort of a non-forgettable offense. So why not ask your husband if he’ll make the turkey. I suggest saying it casually, as though you’d already discussed it and it’s a fait accompli. Say, “Okay, so you’ll do the turkey and I’ll saute some brussel sprouts, right?” If he goes along with, fantastic! Problem solved!
Otherwise, I recommend throwing money at this problem. Check out the local grocery stores in your neighborhood and see if they provide an already prepared turkey that you can place strategically in your oven. That way, you get to take the turkey out of the oven and look all radiant. And if you’re worried about the price, don’t fret. This is what perfectly innocent people in Manhattan have to pay for the privilege of not poisoning their loved ones on Thanksgiving.
Then steam a vegetable of your choice (provided that your choice consists of something steam-able, like brussel sprouts, broccoli or asparagus); make a quick mustard vinaigrette, and viola! Dinner, she is served.
For dessert, get a bottle of Karo Corn Syrup (I like dark) and follow the super easy recipe for pecan pie on the bottle. Seriously, you can do it with your eyes closed and you should hear the praise. (Really, give me your address and I’ll send you the tape that I’ve made of the praise I’ve been given.)
Good luck and good eating!
Marinka, TMH
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Manners: It’s What’s For Dinner
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have always been known as a good cook and dinner parties were always a hit at my house. Then I met my husband and his palette for food is distinctly different from mine.
I have tried to accommodate – to a point. It all stems from the fact that he gives mes zero amount of appreciation and rarely even utters a thank you) The critical upturn of his nose has discouraged me from trying to cook something that he likes altogether. Don’t get me wrong, in the beginning, I worked my little butt off in the kitchen preparing food “his way” or modifying recipes to his taste. Still my hard work did little to impress.
What can I do? My food is cozy, farmer’s market fresh and eclectic. His food is Chinese stews, veggies that are cooked until the green is gone and all things white flour. Did I really lose my touch? How can I get back my passion for food?
Signed,
Feeling Like a Flat Souffle
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Dear Souffle,
It’s not often, but sometimes a Mouthy Housewife and a reader face a similar dilemma. After a recent pork roast extravaganza, my family said “yum, thanks, burp!” and thought that they were all done. Only after a careful discussion that lasted way into the premiere of the Wizards of Waverly Place TV movie did they understand that the appropriate response to being fed is a five to ten minute discussion afterward about the merits of the meal. (Although I am pretty lenient and will accept compliments on the meal throughout the week.)
No, you did not lose your flair for food and chances are you will regain your passion for it as soon as your husband shows his appreciation for your culinary masterpieces. Because it’s one thing to have different tastes in food as you and your husband do; it’s quite another for him to have bad manners about it.
Or maybe that’s unfair. Maybe it’s not so much bad manners as that he expects food to appear on the table magically, much the way oxygen appears in his lungs without an effort, and he does not see the need to thank you for its preparation or compliment your dishes.
We must disabuse him immediately of these notions. One way is to involve him in the culinary process. Ask him ahead of time what would he like to have for dinner during the week. When he suggests a menu that should be served within sprinting distance of the nearest cardiac intervention center, tell him that you will look into making a healthier version of his choice and also add a dish of your own. Let him know that you need his help. Whether it’s shopping for the ingredients or doing the prep work, it is important for him to see what is happening. (By the way, if your dinner preparation consists of waving a magic wand and dialing for take out, the letting-him-see-what-is-involved-in-dinner-preparation will be significantly compromised).
If it seems clear that he has no interest in the cooking business, preferring to focus on the eating angle instead, you may want to get real and have a Dr.-Phil style discussion with him. Tell him, “Honey, I love cooking for us and trying new dishes. I would like to incorporate foods that you love into my kitchen. But when you don’t compliment me on what I serve, it makes me feel unappreciated and sad and stabby.”
Bon Appetit!
Marinka, TMH
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Dinner? Didn’t They Just Have Dinner Yesterday?
Dear Mouthy Housewife,
Do you have any suggestions for quick, easy family dinners?
Signed,
Screw You, Hamburger Helper!
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Dear Screw,
What do I look like, Julia Child? Wait, don’t answer that. The way I see it, the trouble with cooking is that we go all out and prepare a delicious meal, which takes hours–finding the recipe, shopping for the ingredients, chopping, mincing, sauteing, drinking heavily, pureeing, basting, roasting, remixing a cocktail, garnishing, serving, and it’s consumed in mere minutes. And the next day, they expect more food. It makes a girl think that Marie Antoinette had the right idea with the whole “let them eat cake”. But they guillotined her because no one wants children to ruin their appetites and be hyper from all the sugar. I think.
I’ll give you my secret: cook in bulk, like they do in prison. Stews, meatballs, meatloaf-yes. Cornish hens-no. If you can double the recipe and freeze part of it, all the better. Time saver for the future.
As for the recipes themselves, if you want a great book that walks you through making a supereasy beef stew, and other staples, you have to get Laurie Colwin’s Home Cooking. Laurie’s recipes are unintimidating and the results are delicious. I have two copies of her book and if we were neighbors, you could borrow one. But we’re not. So you can’t. If you’re not within bookstore range, get recipes from Epicurious.com. Super easy.
And remember, the chef never cleans. That’s what we had children for in the first place.
Bon appetit, mon cheri.
Love,
TMH
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