Gwyneth Says No To Botox: The Mouthy Housewives Come To Her Rescue.
Happy Friday everyone! The Mouthy Housewives were just seconds away from pouring ourselves a margarita to get the weekend started when we heard some startling news. In a recent interview, 39-year-old Gwyneth Paltrow was quoted as saying, “I’ll take my wrinkles. I don’t like the Botox thing.” Apparently, she plans to grow old gracefully? WTF?
We immediately recognized this as a call for help. So we have compiled a list of ways Paltrow can maintain her youthful glow without the help of Botox. Such as:
___________________________
-
Hang out with the cast of Cocoon. Wait, are they all dead?! Even better.
Never smile again. Smiles = wrinkles.
Make Apple give youth inducing facials each night.
Start taking the latest health craze: human growth hormone. That sounds organic enough.
Use cream made of crushed blood diamonds. Make sure it’s all natural!
Never travel without own soft-white light source.
Let Cher bite your neck. If the rumors are true, you’ll soon have sparkly skin and never get a day older.
Never take pictures with Moses and Apple. Their skin is too youthful.
Start lying about age. 80 never looked so good!
Adopt a Shar-Pei. One of the extra-wrinkly variety.
Get huge boob implants: nobody will be lookin’ at your mug when you suddenly have honkin’ hooters to say ‘hi’!
Conspire with BFFs Madonna and Stella McCartney to make laugh lines the newest fashion must-have accessory.
Market line of snap-on wrinkles to Rooney Mara and other wrinkleless sufferers.
Get Botocks. It’s totally not Botox.
Two words: Invisible. Tape.
Take up boxing or elective oral surgery. A swollen face erases fine lines!
Listen, if they can clone a sheep, they can clone you a back-up face.
Who’s up for a year-long masquerade party?!
So good luck, Gwynnie! We can’t wait to see how you’ll try to make us all look inadequate when you’re in your 40′s!
8 Comments <-- Click to comment
Please Don’t Call Me “Dear”
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a favorite deli. It’s near my office, has a great selection, good prices and I like to support the smaller establishments. But the people who work there call me and other women “dear.” Is this acceptable these days and is there anything I can do to put an end to it?
Signed,
It’s Jennifer, Not Dear.
________________________
Dear Jennifer,
Oh sweet Jennifer with your porcelain, smooth skin and bouncy, silky tresses. You must be in your twenties. Because take it from someone whose skin is a little less smooth, the word “dear” is not an insult. In fact, this 40-something lady would be overjoyed if someone referred to me as dear. And I wouldn’t mind honey, sweetie or even sugar pie lover.
Dear is just a term of endearment. It’s not a proclamation that they never supported the Equal Rights Amendment. It means they like you. I’m guessing they are a family business and they consider their customers family too.
Now I understand you’re upset. When I was in college, I started a mission to strike the word “girl” from the lips of every collegiate. I proudly proclaimed that, “WE ARE WOMEN. NOT GIRLS. HOW CAN WE EXPECT TO BE TREATED AS EQUALS IF WE CONSISTENTLY REFER TO OURSELVES AS GIRLS!!” Although I doubt that I succeeded in my mission – mostly because I seriously lost focus when I learned about “A Bucket of Beer for $1 Thursdays” at a local pub.
I applaud your desire for women to be treated equally to men. I really do. But I would put your energies to causes like equal pay for equal work.
If it still really bugs you that they call you dear, introduce yourself. Simply say, “I come here all the time. I’m Jennifer. What’s your name?” This will hopefully be a signal that you would like to be called by your real name.
Or make a joke, “Dear?! I thought everyone stopped calling women dear in the 1950s. I prefer Miss.” It you are giving them steady business, it’s always worth speaking up. It usually works. None of the baristas at my local Starbucks would dare to call me ma’am now.
Good luck dear. (I know. So juvenile. I couldn’t help it.)
Kelcey, TMH
27 Comments <-- Click to comment
I Hate Your Baby Name
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My cousin is pregnant with a little boy, and while I’m extremely happy for her, I can’t stand the name she picked out for him. And obviously I can’t tell her how much I don’t like the name so I need a really great nickname for the name Colton.
Any ideas?
Signed,
You’re Naming Your Kid What?!
__________________
Dear You’re Naming Your Kid What?!,
Well, don’t go blaming yourself for this. I have personally introduced a constitutional amendment requiring all people to keep their baby names a secret until AFTER the child is born.
It’s just terribly awkward to know a baby’s name beforehand. First of all, it’s hard to get jazzed about the birth of a baby when you already know every detail months in advance. I’m having a baby. It’s a girl. Her name is Elizabeth Sarah. The c-section date is on April 25th. She’s a Taurus and her hobbies will be horseback riding and rowing. TMI people.
Second of all, it’s a lot easier to hate a name before the baby is born. Once you are cooing over the little tyke, it’s possible to forget that his name is Vanilli or Pilot Inspektor. Not completely. But those cute cheeks and baby soft skin make it a bit more palatable.
Now we have gotten this baby name problem before. And I was really bracing myself for you to share some kind of horrific name. But Colton? Oh my gosh, I love that name! Like if Tim Riggins of Friday Night Lights wasn’t named Tim Riggins – he would be named Colton. Colton is like a hot cowboy. Or a handsome movie star. Or maybe a cheesy soap character. But let’s focus on cowboy and movie star. I really think it’s a pretty cool name.
Does that help? Oh man, you still don’t like it. Alright, how about if you just call him “Cole?” Or maybe “Ton” but that could be politically incorrect with the whole eradicate childhood obesity campaign going on right now. You could just call him “the baby” but of course, that will get strange once he starts high school.
I think the best bet is to wait and meet the little guy. You might be so enamored with him, you won’t care what he goes by. That’s probably why they make those babies so ridiculously cute.
Good luck,
Kelcey, TMH
29 Comments <-- Click to comment
I Got Rid of My Boyfriend But Now I Need Friends
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
A few days ago, I ended a serious relationship. It was mutual and not a bad breakup but I have no desire to remain in contact with my ex simply for the sake of moving on. However, I am realizing that the majority of my friends were friends I met through him. So now I am left with very few friends and that seems to be the hardest part of this breakup.
I have never had many female friends and have always been a bit of a tomboy. So I’m not sure how to approach other women. Where the heck can I meet some cool friends, male or female?
Signed,
I Don’t Want You, Just Your Friends
_____________________________
Dear Friendless,
Can’t you barter with your ex? You know, he gets to keep all those cool snow globes you collected together and you get just one of his friends?
No? Selfish boy. Well, he is going to miss those snow globes.
I must begin by complimenting you on your maturity. When I’ve broken up with a guy, I’ve had a month long mourning process where I eat my weight in Sweet Tarts, watch Meg Ryan movie marathons nonstop and sob into my Pinot Grigio. It’s pretty ugly. You are obviously a lot more emotionally mature than me and that will be a big advantage when it comes to making some friends.
As someone who once relocated all alone to Montana (a place with more cows than people and cows are not that great at small talk), I know how difficult it can be to make friends. The best way to meet new people is to get involved in something you like to do – whether it’s kayaking, yoga, reading or belly dancing.
You are more apt to connect with people who share a passion with you. So join a club. And even if you’re not outgoing, make an effort to chat with people. Ask them lots of questions because people love to talk about themselves.
And what about your workplace? Are there any folks there who you could imagine starting a friendship with? If yes, ask them to do a power walk with you during lunch or grab a drink after work. Don’t make it a big time commitment in case perky Susie from accounting turns out to be a closet cat hoarder. Not that I don’t love cats. I do. Just not 36 of them.
Or try the site MeetUp as a way to connect with people in your area. Keep going out and meeting people until you click with one or two of them. You know, someone who enjoys the same stuff you do and laughs at all your jokes about your ex and his obsession with snow globes. I promise, your future pal is out there.
Good luck,
Kelcey, TMH
4 Comments <-- Click to comment
No Photos of the Baby, Please
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am pregnant with our first child. Since we are going to be new parents, I know and accept we are going to be uptight, hanging on every word of parenting advice ever, fine-tooth combing “What to Expect”, etc., until we get the swing of things and find our own parenting style. However, we are worried about how social networks may come into play.
I know it may seem silly, but we do not want anyone posting photos of our little one on their Facebook/Twitter/whatever. A new child can be an exciting and happy moment, so I am happy and flattered that people would want to share in this, but we feel sometimes the internet can allow one to share too much. Sharing photos with family and friends is wonderful, but we don’t want them posting these online and sharing with a bunch of strangers we don’t even know.
So three parter question: 1) How do we explain this in a nice way to help ensure our wishes are followed? 2) How do we handle things if our wishes are not accepted/ listened to/ followed? 3) Are we being over-protective/ downright bat-shit crazy?
Much love,
Nervous Newbie
______________
Dear N.N.,
Boy, are you going to have a laugh over this question some day. Probably when your child has screamed for 5 hours straight, you can’t remember the last time you took a shower and you just tried to bush your teeth with sunscreen. And then you’re going to think back to your concern about photos on the internet, let out a hearty laugh and then scream to your spouse, “FIND THE PACIFIER. FIND IT RIGHT NOW. WE BOUGHT 20 OF THEM. WHERE ARE THEY?!!! I DON’T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT NIPPLE CONFUSION. I CAN’T TAKE THE CRYING!!! FIND THAT GOD DAMN PACIFIER!!!”
But since that day has yet to come, let’s address your questions. If you want to prevent people from posting your child’s photo, I would try to have a really ugly child. Now I have no idea what you look like. But let’s just say if very big heads run in your family (like they do in mine), you are in the clear. Also, make sure you’re not a celebrity. If you just named your kid Blue Ivy, you’re going to have a problem.
But I really would not worry too much about friends/family putting your child’s photo on the internet. Mostly because no one is going to care remotely as much about your child as you will.
In fact, you’ll probably have to prevent yourself from posting a daily photo of your little babe to all your Facebook friends which of course includes that weird girl in your high school geometry class. Although I’m sure she’ll think little Johnny is oh so handsome!
To everyone else, kids sort of all blend together. Don’t believe me? Go look at all those Christmas cards. See what I mean?! Now if you do have one or two relatives who are prone to snapping copious amount of photos and instantly uploading them, just take them aside and ask them to respect your privacy. And if pictures do end up on Facebook or other sites, just request that the offending family member take them down.
Finally, are you bat shit crazy? No. Well, maybe a teeny tiny bit. But no more so than any other expecting parent. So don’t sweat it. Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly.
By the way, I found those baby expert books make excellent paper weights. Or if you get enough of them, a footstool! But I wouldn’t really bother reading them.
Good luck to you.
Kelcey, TMH
RSS Feed
