Please Get My Husband to Stop Helping Around the House
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband tries to help out with all the household chores, which I guess sounds like a positive, but it drives me bonkers. He uses too much fabric softener when he does the laundry. He can’t seem to tell which clothes go in which of the kids’ closets. He even tries to clean up behind me AS I’m cooking, once throwing away ingredients before I was even through with them. Do I have him stop “helping” or do I check myself into an anal-retentive treatment center?
Signed,
Anal & Anxious
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Dear AA,
Your husband sounds like my own helpful spouse who recently saw a basket of clothes in the laundry room and said with great pride, “Honey, I threw in that load of laundry and started the washing machine.”
“That’s so sweet of you – EXCEPT THOSE CLOTHES WERE ALREADY CLEAN. I just needed to fold them,” I responded.
Some help really is the kind of help we all can do without. It sounds like your husband is about one notch above the helpful toddler who helps his mom “clean” by spraying down and soaking the entire couch with Mrs. Meyer’s Countertop spray.
But there is reason to be hopeful! Because your husband wants to help. And that sure beats the lazy slug of a husband who thinks that doing his part to tidy up the house means throwing his super size potato chip bag in the trash. Or at least hiding it under his recliner.
Don’t despair because your spouse can improve. Give him short simple tasks like vacuuming the living room rug or washing dishes, and over time move on to bigger challenges like grocery shopping. When it comes to laundry, put clear instructions on the machine so he can just follow the steps. Basically, I’m advising that you pretend you are married to a smart chimp and you are training this monkey to clean.
Some tasks will never be possible. For example, I never let my husband put our clothes in the dryer because I don’t want to spend my life wearing shrunken baby doll size tees. But don’t shut him down completely because that will leave you doing ALL the household chores and frankly, that’s a whole lot worse than a guy who uses too much fabric softener.
Good luck to you,
Kelcey, TMH
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I Want Your Sex Every Day of the Month
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I asked my husband what he thought about one of those agreements I’ve heard married couples trying where they have sex once a day every day for a set amount of time. I threw a month out there. It’s supposed to improve intimacy.
His reaction was a surprise. He said he didn’t know. He asked if it was still required if I was yelling at him to put his dishes away. Or if I would be wearing lingerie. In short, he wasn’t overly interested.
To quantify, we have sex probably once every two weeks. It’s hot sex and I look forward to it. Yes, I wish there was more, but I want him to initiate more. Yes, we fight once in a while (once or twice a month maybe?). I am certain, without a doubt, he is faithful. Is this a warning sign that we are in trouble? Most husbands are pretty excited for this offer, and surprised it’s even on the table. Should I be worried?
Signed,
Feeling Not So Sexy Now
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Dear Feeling Not So Sexy Now,
I actually think your husband should be grateful because this woman offered her husband sex for 365 nights in a row as his 40th birthday present. And he initially turned her down, too. Her reaction…
“I gave him the ultimate offer — the stuff of fantasy — and he said, ‘Yeah, not so much.’ Why wasn’t he jumping up and down like a kid in a candy store? Why were there no high fives? No kisses of joy and gratitude, and phrases like, ‘You’re definitely going to win ‘Wife of the Year’ with this one, honey!’”
So as you can see, there are men everywhere who are a bit weary of too much time in the sack. And women who can’t believe they are being turned down. You are not alone.
Basically, unless you’re married to a horny 18 year-old college student (and if you are, I’m seething with jealousy over here as I imagine his sweaty six-pack, toned biceps and full head of hair), a lot of husbands are not going to shout hallelujah at the chance to have obligatory sex every night of the week. It just feels too forced.
But there is no reason you can’t improve your sex life. If your husband does not want to do this one month sexathon, then ask him what he does want. And let him know you’d like him to initiate more. There are many ways to work on intimacy without missing out on all your favorite TV shows because you’re stuck in the bedroom night after night.
And it doesn’t sound like there is anything wrong with your marriage. You’re married, still have HOT sex and ONLY fight once or twice a month. Girl, you two got it going on. I promise.
Good luck to you,
Kelcey, TMH
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Is My Man a Cheater or Am I Just Paranoid?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I suspect my boyfriend could be cheating on me, but I don’t have any proof. It’s more like I have a “gut feeling.” Do you think I should see about hiring a private investigator? Or should I confront him with my suspicions?
Signed,
Suspicious Sally
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Dear Suspicious Sally,
Start by asking yourself the following questions: Is he the Governor of South Carolina? Is he the best golfer in the world? Was he John Kerry’s running mate in 2004? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then I can say with 100 percent accuracy that your man is cheating on you.
If you’re not dating Mark Sanford, Tiger Woods or John Edwards, then we may have to do some more digging. I am a big believer in gut feelings, but how long have you been dating this guy? If it’s only been a couple months, then going all private investigator on his arse is kind of intense. But if you have been together awhile, possibly live together or have talked about getting married, then you need to know.
I can save you the trouble of asking him directly. His answer will be “no.” Whether he’s Mr. Loyal or the biggest manwhore out there, he will defiantly insist that he’s faithful. So if you suspect he’s cheating (he’s often out late at night, gives lame excuses when he can’t see you, never leaves his email open, smells like Paris Hilton’s Eau de Parfum when you wear Fantasy by Britney Spears, etc.) and you have the cash, go ahead and hire a private investigator.
It will either give you peace of mind or set you free to find a new man whose loyalty you’ll never question.
Good luck to you,
Kelcey, TMH
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The Mouthy Housewives are throwing a happy hour party at BlogHer 2010 this summer!! If you want to find out all the details and how to sign up when the time comes, join our Facebook group by clicking here.
And remember, whether you’re going to BlogHer or not, we need your votes!! Aunt Becky, Marinka, Wendi, and I (of The Mouthy Housewives and Mommy Wants Vodka) have put in for a Room of our Own on how to create a successful, entertaining advice site.
So please just click here, log on to BlogHer and then click “I would attend this session” (it’s just above the title: Dear Abby 2.0). After you click it it will miraculously say “I would not attend this session.” This means that your vote for the session has been successfully registered. Thank you!
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Lonely Girl and the Absent Hubby
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have been married for 25 years. My husband and I are both in our mid-40’s. About five years ago, my husband lost his job and he has had three different jobs since then. He currently works 12-14 hour days, sometimes works weekends and never even calls during the day to say “hi.” I work a full time job, take care of the house, and help out our kids (who live at home while attending college).
I am feeling extremely lonely at this time. I have asked my husband to come home for dinner at least a few nights a week, but this never happens. I am getting very resentful. I feel like since all he does is work, we have nothing in common anymore and nothing to talk about. He thinks I am a nag, unrealistic and since the economy is so bad, I should be happy he is working. But this is supposed to be our life “together.” Counseling at this point is too costly (with kids in college). What should I do?
Signed,
Our Life Together is Falling Apart
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Dear Life Together,
Lonely girl, listen to me. You are hardly a nag. You just want a real and loving relationship with your husband. He should be calling you in the middle of the day to just say “hi” and he should find his way home for dinner a few nights a week. Man, I would even want a shoulder massage now and then, but let’s not push our luck just yet.
This economy is sucking everyone’s wallets dry. And I’m sure your husband is worried about losing his job again. But he should also be concerned about losing his wife. Because you are clearly unhappy. So here’s the plan:
Step One: You need to go find yourself some joy without his help. Reconnect with some friends, go to some movies, join a book club, start painting, take a Zuma dance class, start a blog, visit some museums, whatever appeals to you. Because your happiness can not be completely wrapped up in your husband.
Step Two: You mentioned that you have kids in college and money is extremely tight, but you know what is more expensive than counseling? Divorce. Seriously. You and your husband need to see a therapist AS SOON AS POSSIBLE because he’s not taking your needs seriously.
Some therapists will work on a sliding scale so you pay what you can afford. So call around. Or if you can really afford nothing, find an impartial, trustworthy third party (a mutual friend, a religious adviser or a teacher) who can sit down with the two of you so you can both communicate your needs. Just don’t ask your neighbor Nosy Nancy because that lady will give briefings to the whole town on your marital problems before the first session is even over. And we all know she’s one to talk!
There’s a reason you and your husband have been together for 25 years. I have every faith that you two will get through this with some love, understanding and hard work.
Good luck to you and keep us posted,
Kelcey, TMH
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Hang on to your maxi-pads, ladies, because we’ve got an exciting new giveaway this week! One lucky reader will win a copy of Elissa Stein & Susan Kim’s fabulous new book FLOW: The Cultural History of Menstruation! As Library Journal put it, FLOW discusses that time of the month with “wit, sarcasm, and common sense . . . the authors use a pop culture lens to posit a modern, feminist, female perspective on menstruation.” We love this book.
To enter, simply leave a comment this week on one of our posts and/or send us a question to ask@mouthyhousewives.com. Whichever you decide to do, please mention FLOW so you’ll be entered in the contest. Good luck!
The BlogHer Housewives Scoop:
Fabulous news on the cocktail front… The Mouthy Housewives are throwing a happy hour party at BlogHer 2010 this summer!! If you want to find out all the details and how to sign up when the time comes, join our Facebook group by clicking here.
And remember, whether you’re going to BlogHer or not, we need your votes!! Aunt Becky, Marinka, Wendi, and I (of The Mouthy Housewives and Mommy Wants Vodka) have put in for a Room of our Own on how to create a successful, entertaining advice site.
So please just click here, log on to BlogHer and then click “I would attend this session” (it’s just above the title: Dear Abby 2.0). After you click it it will miraculously say “I would not attend this session.” This means that your vote for the session has been successfully registered. Thank you!
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When Is It Cool to Defriend on Facebook?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a question about Facebook etiquette. People from my past ‘friend’ me and then half the time don’t even write to say “Hi, how are you?” What the hell? Are they just going for as many friends as they can to look popular (well, well past high school) or are they hoping I will write and plead to know what they have been up to? Because frankly if I haven’t sought you out, I don’t really care.
I want to stay on Facebook to see what my kids are up to and because I am addicted to one of the games they offer. I would love to delete all the ‘friends’ who never communicate with me but feel it is a tad rude. What do you think?
Signed,
Frannie the Facebook Fan
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Dear Frannie,
Of course, they are trying to pump up their friend list. Don’t you know that is the new symbol of self-worth in our society? Did you think it was still a deluxe home or a Lexus? No, no, no. The number of friends you have on Facebook now determines your financial success, your beauty and how well you age!
That said, some of your old high school acquaintances might actually be reaching out in the hopes of reconnecting. And like all of us, life gets busy. Just as they are about to send you a message on Facebook, the phone rings, they have to run out and pick up their sick kid at school who just vomited all over the other children at circle time, the car breaks down on the way home, they realize their AAA card just expired, and soon they forget all about their plans to reconnect.
Or you know, maybe they just want to build their friend list.
If someone friends you and doesn’t write a note, just send him or her a quick message that says, “Hi. It’s been awhile. How are things?” If you truly don’t care and want the person off your friend list, go ahead and defriend. They don’t get a notification that you have defriended, but they may no longer be able to view your personal profile. And if they figure it out, who really cares since they really weren’t a friend in the first place.
But if you want to be extra sensitive, just set your privacy settings so you can no longer see their updates. Poof. Suddenly, they don’t even exist. At least until your high school reunion.
And remember, life is too short to stress over Facebook.
Kelcey, TMH
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Hey, have you heard? BlogHer ‘10 is coming to NYC this summer and some of the Mouthy Housewives (together with Aunt Becky!) have put together a proposal for a room, called Dear Abby 2.0: Giving Advice in the Blogosphere. It’s going to be fantastic, but we need your help. Just click here, log on to BlogHer and then click “I would attend this session” (it’s just above the title: Dear Abby 2.0). After you click it it will miraculously say “I would not attend this session.” This means that your vote for the session has been successfully registered. Thank you! And see you in NYC!
