We immediately recognized this as a call for help. So we have compiled a list of ways Paltrow can maintain her youthful glow without the help of Botox. Such as:

___________________________

Hang out with the cast of Cocoon. Wait, are they all dead?! Even better.
Never smile again. Smiles = wrinkles.

Make Apple give youth inducing facials each night.

Start taking the latest health craze: human growth hormone. That sounds organic enough.

Use cream made of crushed blood diamonds. Make sure it’s all natural!

Never travel without own soft-white light source.

Let Cher bite your neck. If the rumors are true, you’ll soon have sparkly skin and never get a day older.

Never take pictures with Moses and Apple. Their skin is too youthful.

Start lying about age.  80 never looked so good!

Adopt a Shar-Pei. One of the extra-wrinkly variety.

Get huge boob implants: nobody will be lookin’ at your mug when you suddenly have honkin’ hooters to say ‘hi’!

Conspire with  BFFs Madonna and Stella McCartney to make laugh lines the newest fashion must-have accessory.

Market line of snap-on wrinkles to Rooney Mara and other wrinkleless sufferers.

Get Botocks.  It’s totally not Botox.

Two words: Invisible. Tape.

Take up boxing or elective oral surgery. A swollen face erases fine lines!

Listen, if they can clone a sheep, they can clone you a back-up face.

Who’s up for a year-long masquerade party?!

So good luck, Gwynnie! We can’t wait to see how you’ll try to make us all look inadequate when you’re in your 40′s!

I have a favorite deli. It’s near my office, has a great selection, good prices and I like to support the smaller establishments. But the people who work there call me and other women “dear.” Is this acceptable these days and is there anything I can do to put an end to it?

Signed,

It’s Jennifer, Not Dear.

________________________

Dear Jennifer,

Oh sweet Jennifer with your porcelain, smooth skin and bouncy, silky tresses. You must be in your twenties. Because take it from someone whose skin is a little less smooth, the word “dear” is not an insult. In fact, this 40-something lady would be overjoyed if someone referred to me as dear. And I wouldn’t mind honey, sweetie or even sugar pie lover.

Dear is just a term of endearment. It’s not a proclamation that they never supported the Equal Rights Amendment. It means they like you. I’m guessing they are a family business and they consider their customers family too.

Now I understand you’re upset. When I was in college, I started a mission to strike the word “girl” from the lips of every collegiate. I proudly proclaimed that, “WE ARE WOMEN. NOT GIRLS. HOW CAN WE EXPECT TO BE TREATED AS EQUALS IF WE CONSISTENTLY REFER TO OURSELVES AS GIRLS!!” Although I doubt that I succeeded in my mission – mostly because I seriously lost focus when I learned about “A Bucket of Beer for $1 Thursdays” at a local pub.

I applaud your desire for women to be treated equally to men. I really do. But I would put your energies to causes like equal pay for equal work.

If it still really bugs you that they call you dear, introduce yourself. Simply say, “I come here all the time. I’m Jennifer. What’s your name?” This will hopefully be a signal that you would like to be called by your real name.

Or make a joke, “Dear?! I thought everyone stopped calling women dear in the 1950s. I prefer Miss.” It you are giving them steady business, it’s always worth speaking up. It usually works. None of the baristas at my local Starbucks would dare to call me ma’am now.

Good luck dear. (I know. So juvenile. I couldn’t help it.)

Kelcey, TMH

My cousin is pregnant with a little boy, and while I’m extremely happy for her, I can’t stand the name she picked out for him. And obviously I can’t tell her how much I don’t like the name so I need a really great nickname for the name Colton.

Any ideas?

Signed,

You’re Naming Your Kid What?!

__________________

Dear You’re Naming Your Kid What?!,

Well, don’t go blaming yourself for this. I have personally introduced a constitutional amendment requiring all people to keep their baby names a secret until AFTER the child is born.

It’s just terribly awkward to know a baby’s name beforehand. First of all, it’s hard to get jazzed about the birth of a baby when you already know every detail months in advance.  I’m having a baby. It’s a girl. Her name is Elizabeth Sarah. The c-section date is on April 25th. She’s a Taurus and her hobbies will be horseback riding and rowing. TMI people.

Second of all, it’s a lot easier to hate a name before the baby is born. Once you are cooing over the little tyke, it’s possible to forget that his name is Vanilli or Pilot Inspektor. Not completely. But those cute cheeks and baby soft skin make it a bit more palatable.

Now we have gotten this baby name problem before. And I was really bracing myself for you to share some kind of horrific name. But Colton? Oh my gosh, I love that name! Like if Tim Riggins of Friday Night Lights wasn’t named Tim Riggins – he would be named Colton. Colton is like a hot cowboy. Or a handsome movie star. Or maybe a cheesy soap character. But let’s focus on cowboy and movie star. I really think it’s a pretty cool name.

Does that help? Oh man, you still don’t like it. Alright, how about if you just call him “Cole?” Or maybe “Ton” but that could be politically incorrect with the whole eradicate childhood obesity campaign going on right now.  You could just call him “the baby” but of course, that will get strange once he starts high school.

I think the best bet is to wait and meet the little guy. You might be so enamored with him, you won’t care what he goes by.  That’s probably why they make those babies so ridiculously cute.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

A few days ago, I ended a serious relationship. It was mutual and not a bad breakup but I have no desire to remain in contact with my ex simply for the sake of moving on. However, I am realizing that the majority of my friends were friends I met through him. So now I am left with very few friends and that seems to be the hardest part of this breakup.

I have never had many female friends and have always been a bit of a tomboy. So I’m not sure how to approach other women. Where the heck can I meet some cool friends, male or female?

Signed,

I Don’t Want You, Just Your Friends

_____________________________

Dear Friendless,

Can’t you barter with your ex? You know, he gets to keep all those cool snow globes you collected together and you get just one of his friends?

No? Selfish boy. Well, he is going to miss those snow globes.

I must begin by complimenting you on your maturity. When I’ve broken up with a guy, I’ve had a month long mourning process where I eat my weight in Sweet Tarts, watch Meg Ryan movie marathons nonstop and sob into my Pinot Grigio. It’s pretty ugly.  You are obviously a lot more emotionally mature than me and that will be a big advantage when it comes to making some friends.

As someone who once relocated all alone to Montana (a place with more cows than people and cows are not that great at small talk), I know how difficult it can be to make friends.  The best way to meet new people is to get involved in something you like to do – whether it’s kayaking, yoga, reading or belly dancing.

You are more apt to connect with people who share a passion with you. So join a club. And even if you’re not outgoing, make an effort to chat with people. Ask them lots of questions because people love to talk about themselves.

And what about your workplace? Are there any folks there who you could imagine starting a friendship with? If yes, ask them to do a power walk with you during lunch or grab a drink after work. Don’t make it a big time commitment in case perky Susie from accounting turns out to be a closet cat hoarder. Not that I don’t love cats. I do. Just not 36 of them.

Or try the site MeetUp as a way to connect with people in your area. Keep going out and meeting people until you click with one or two of them. You know, someone who enjoys the same stuff you do and laughs at all your jokes about your ex and his obsession with snow globes. I promise, your future pal is out there.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

I am pregnant with our first child. Since we are going to be new parents, I know and accept we are going to be uptight, hanging on every word of parenting advice ever, fine-tooth combing “What to Expect”, etc., until we get the swing of things and find our own parenting style. However, we are worried about how social networks may come into play.

I know it may seem silly, but we do not want anyone posting photos of our little one on their Facebook/Twitter/whatever. A new child can be an exciting and happy moment, so I am happy and flattered that people would want to share in this, but we feel sometimes the internet can allow one to share too much. Sharing photos with family and friends is wonderful, but we don’t want them posting these online and sharing with a bunch of strangers we don’t even know.

So three parter question: 1) How do we explain this in a nice way to help ensure our wishes are followed? 2) How do we handle things if our wishes are not accepted/ listened to/ followed? 3) Are we being over-protective/ downright bat-shit crazy?

Much love,

Nervous Newbie

______________

Dear N.N.,

Boy, are you going to have a laugh over this question some day. Probably when your child has screamed for 5 hours straight, you can’t remember the last time you took a shower and you just tried to bush your teeth with sunscreen. And then you’re going to think back to your concern about photos on the internet, let out a hearty laugh and then scream to your spouse, “FIND THE PACIFIER. FIND IT RIGHT NOW. WE BOUGHT 20 OF THEM. WHERE ARE THEY?!!! I DON’T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT NIPPLE CONFUSION. I CAN’T TAKE THE CRYING!!! FIND THAT GOD DAMN PACIFIER!!!”

But since that day has yet to come, let’s address your questions. If you want to prevent people from posting your child’s photo, I would try to have a really ugly child. Now I have no idea what you look like. But let’s just say if very big heads run in your family (like they do in mine), you are in the clear.  Also, make sure you’re not a celebrity. If you just named your kid Blue Ivy, you’re going to have a problem.

But I really would not worry too much about friends/family putting your child’s photo on the internet. Mostly because no one is going to care remotely as much about your child as you will.

In fact, you’ll probably have to prevent yourself from posting a daily photo of your little babe to all your Facebook friends which of course includes that weird girl in your high school geometry class. Although I’m sure she’ll think little Johnny is oh so handsome!

To everyone else, kids sort of all blend together. Don’t believe me? Go look at all those Christmas cards. See what I mean?!  Now if you do have one or two relatives who are prone to snapping copious amount of photos and instantly uploading them, just take them aside and ask them to respect your privacy. And if pictures do end up on Facebook or other sites, just request that the offending family member take them down.

Finally, are you bat shit crazy? No. Well, maybe a teeny tiny bit. But no more so than any other expecting parent. So don’t sweat it.  Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly.

By the way, I found those baby expert books make excellent paper weights. Or if you get enough of them, a footstool! But I wouldn’t really bother reading them.

Good luck to you.

Kelcey, TMH

This year we’re putting our Mouthy Housewives twist on it by offering some of our personal New Years Resolutions and we hope that writing them down will make us stick to them. Out of fear of public mocking, if nothing else. So let’s go:

In 2012, Marinka resolves to:

Stop saying 44 is the new 27! And not just because she’ll turn 44 and 12 months in 2012.

Acknowledge that she will never be able to say “dope” “phat” “ya’ll” “beyach” or any other word that’s not indigenous to her.

Ease up on the “I’m sort of a vegan” proclamations. Especially while fondling a BigMac.

Wendi resolves to:

Finally tell the mean wench in her neighborhood that if she’s going to wear a tennis skirt every day, she should at least own a mothereffin’ racket.

Stop pronouncing “self-deprecating” like “self-depreeciating.”

Cook one entire meal that doesn’t involve either a) the microwave or b) a powder packet or c) sobbing by a family member.

Continue to look like Tracey Gold’s DUI mugshot because that’s just hot.

Tonya resolves to:

Stop trying to convince salespeople their jeans are defective due to the massive excess “skinnage” that is created when she forces herself into a size 4. (She could wear a size 4! You don’t know!)

Cease and desist all efforts to contact, hang out with, and, or, become BFFs with Lindsay Lohan. Probably.

Find a better place to hide the bodies. The folks at CVS are starting to pay more attention to their freezer section.

Amp up her total “Gangsta” image with a stint on the inside. Or, at least, just say she did a nickel.

Kristine resolves to:

Finally get around to canceling that gym membership!

Read more. Starting with her bank statements. And maybe OK! Magazine.

Spend more quality time with the children. And probably bathe them more frequently, because holy cow, kids stink.

Kelcey resolves:

To order less sushi. Because she has a kitchen. With a stove and stuff.

To go to bed earlier so she can be less cranky during the day. Because it’s not necessary to be up at 12:30 am comparing prices on flights to Paris. Because she’s not going to Paris.  For a very long time.

To be a little more kind to her husband. Because saying things like, “How is it possible that you still don’t know what the kids eat for lunch?! Seriously, HOW IS IT POSSIBLE?!” is apparently not loving.

__________________

Please share your New Year’s Resolutions with us. We can be strong together in the New Year!

My husband and I went to dinner recently and he paid for the majority of the meal,  leaving him with $2.00 in his wallet.  The next morning, on his way out of the gym, he felt light headed due to his diabetic condition and when he went to purchase an energy bar realized he had only $2.00 in his wallet and could not buy it.

He called me and told me that he was surprised (actually blamed me ) that I would let him go out with only $2.00 in his wallet. I was floored, as he has money everywhere, could have easily taken some yet chooses to blame me for his wallet being almost empty.  He controls all of his money, all of the time.  I have nothing to do with his funds. Should I really be responsible for this?

Signed,

Who You Blaming?!

_______________________

Dear Who You Blaming,

I’m so glad you wrote in because the other day I locked myself out of the house, had to pay 70 bucks for a locksmith and I’m so grateful that I now have someone to blame. So thanks a lot for letting me do that. Oh and I’m also pissed at you for that time I sprained my ankle playing tennis.  And for that day when I wore my shirt inside out for 7 hours before someone had the decency to tell me.

In all seriousness – it sounds like the only person your husband should be mad at is himself. I’m sorry he only had two dollars in his wallet but that is hardly your fault. And you should introduce him to these fancy new things that were just invented called credit cards and ATM cards. They really are magic and can work wonders when one finds themselves a bit short on cash. Did he have any of those in his wallet at the time?

So no, you are absolutely not to blame. But it does sound like there might be some tension between the two of you when it comes to control over money. Am I reading too much into your question? Every couple works out their money differently. Some share funds. Some keep separate accounts. Some drive to Vegas and spend it all there. Whatever works.

But you two are married. And you need to manage and spend your money in a way that works for both of you. So maybe you both need to sit down and have more of a big picture discussion about your financial arrangement.

Good luck to you.

Kelcey, TMH

I love my boyfriend very much but I’m beginning to wonder if I should end our relationship, even though the thought alone hurts. We’re best friends. We have been together about 15 months. He is 32 and I am 23.

We do not live together but I stay at his house often.  However, he has a habit of wanting to see me all the time and then for about 2 weeks only wanting to see me 2-3 times a week. This has happened many times. He’s not cheating. When we’re apart, we keep in contact and we are usually playing video games online together.

But the last few months he has been hinting that he wants me to move in with him. I would like to move in with him once I can afford to support myself (right now I live with my parents while I’m in school). I would even like to one day marry him.

But he is a very indecisive person and I feel he is being indecisive about our relationship. I don’t want to end things and I know he loves me but I don’t want to be in a relationship where I’m always worried he’s going to want distance himself.

How should I handle this?

Signed,

You Need Space, I Need Consistency

___________________________

Dear You Need Space,

You know what? I love space. I love alone time. I am hoping my Christmas stocking is stuffed full of alone time this year. But does your boyfriend just need space sometimes or does his feelings run hot and cold for you? That’s what you need to figure out.

Maybe he has commitment issues. Maybe he loves you but isn’t convinced you are the one. Maybe he’s running an illegal Silly Bandz business out of his basement when you aren’t around. I have no idea. But you should not even think of moving in with this guy until your relationship is in a different place.

You really need to change the dynamic here. Basically, when he wants to see you, you make yourself available. And then he is dismissing you when he’s had enough.  That does not create a balanced relationship. Why don’t you try several months of only seeing him two to three times a week?  You can have a great time together and the rest of the week, make yourself busy with school, friends, movie outings, whatever. Focus on yourself a bit more and give him the space he desires. There needs to be more equilibrium in this relationship.

You also might want to consider seeing a therapist together if he’s open to it. A third person in the room might be able to help him sort out his mixed feelings and help you both figure out where this relationship is going.

I do see a red flag here and this relationship may not be forever. But you are so YOUNG. In a few years, you might just be laughing with your friends and saying, “Remember when I dated that guy who ran the illegal Silly Bandz business?! I wonder what ever happened to him.”

Good luck and keep us posted.

Kelcey, TMH

On a recent trip to the pedicureporium, we couldn’t help but notice that some of the nail polish colors names were a bit, well, unusual. So we have compiled them here for you in pairs. In each pair, one is a real nail polish color and the other we made made up.

See if you can spot the fake one in each grouping.

The person who guesses the most fake colors correctly, gets whisked away on a Caribbean vacation. That she will plan and pay for herself. We’ll provide the whisk. We are housewives, you know.

Have fun!

Spot the Fake Nail Polish Color!

Be-Clause I Said So

I Saw a MILF Kissing Santa Claus

* * *

Off My Chest-Nut

Chest-Nuts To You

* * *

Egg You On Nog

Don’t Be Eggnogious

* * *

Stop Stocking Me

Stocking Hanging On My Legs

* * *
Sugar Plum Fairies Gone Wild

Ain’t Yo’ Mama’s Sweetened Fairies

* * *

Naughty Is the New Nice

Nice is Your Mother’s Naughty

* * *

The Mistletoe Position

Keep Me On My Mistletoe

* * *

Shopping Frenzy

Black Friday Redux

Hahahahaha! We’re so funny, aren’t we?! Okay, let’s get serious.

The Mouthy Housewives know that this holiday season is about GIFTS, yo!

And, as always, we’re here to help! In the form of our very first Holiday Gift Guide for those very-special-someones on your list! (Our lawyers insisted that you sign some waivers before taking our recommendations on these, but pshaw! We like to live on the edge, baby!) So here we go! Gift time!

For your brother’s new wife:

"And you can always "x" out the heart if he gets on your nerves!"

For your pain in the ass co-worker:

"Get it? It's a mug and a toilet! Ha! I thought of you as soon as I saw it! Sanka?"

Toilet Bowl Mug (Affiliate link) ((So buy a couple.))

For a hostess gift:

"I'll have a whiskey SOUR, please!"

For your BFF, who may or may not be Courteney Cox:

"Apply where the sun don't shine!"

For your no-longer-affiliated-with-PETA BFF:

"I'm not a pet, dumbass, I'm a clutch!"

Christian Louboutin Anstasia Fox Fur Clutch/Pet. Only $2,345!

For Your Favorite Tea Party Member:

"Please wash me by hand. Thank you."

A Swarovski teacup. Under $700 and anti-government!

For the mom in your kid’s class who sends her kid to school with a fever:

A bacteria necklace. What’s that around your neck? STAPH, baby!

For your PTA nemesis:

A crowbar to help her get her head out of her, um, you know.

For your kid’s obnoxious friend:

A new babysitter! (Heroin & herpes cold sores not included.)

For your mother-in-law:

A sweet teddy bear! (Oops! How did all those pins get in there? Ouchie!)

For your ex’s new girlfriend:

So they know what they're kissing. Hmmm?

Bacon Lip Balm, $3.99. Their faces after they kiss: Priceless.

For your favorite reality star:

A Hidey Hole! Get inside, Kardashians! And Teen Moms! And close the lid! Good luck! Hope you can breathe!

(Hidey hole’s resemblance to a Georgia O’Keeffe painting is completely unintentional, but totally awesome.)

For your therapist:

A comfy therapist is a happy therapist!

Freudian Slippers! $24.95 (Just deduct the cost from your next session & then tell us how that makes you feel.)

For your hot mailman:

We only wish Jack would go postal on us. Rwor! Lick my stamp, Jack! LICK MY STAMP! Oh, God, I'm being delivered!

The Postman Always Rings Twice DVD from Amazon. 

For your favorite Mouthy Housewife:

What? Oh! Sorry! We thought it was the 80′s! Is this better?

Oh, who are we kidding? Get us one of each! They’re little! (Well, hopefully not too little. Oh, no, we di’int! YES, WE DID!)

Happy shopping!