Happy New Year’s Resolutions!
It’s that time again! We bid farewell to the old year, greet the new and make resolutions that are both unrealistic and unattainable! 2012 is going to be huge!
This year we’re putting our Mouthy Housewives twist on it by offering some of our personal New Years Resolutions and we hope that writing them down will make us stick to them. Out of fear of public mocking, if nothing else. So let’s go:
In 2012, Marinka resolves to:
Stop saying 44 is the new 27! And not just because she’ll turn 44 and 12 months in 2012.
Acknowledge that she will never be able to say “dope” “phat” “ya’ll” “beyach” or any other word that’s not indigenous to her.
Ease up on the “I’m sort of a vegan” proclamations. Especially while fondling a BigMac.
Wendi resolves to:
Finally tell the mean wench in her neighborhood that if she’s going to wear a tennis skirt every day, she should at least own a mothereffin’ racket.
Stop pronouncing “self-deprecating” like “self-depreeciating.”
Cook one entire meal that doesn’t involve either a) the microwave or b) a powder packet or c) sobbing by a family member.
Continue to look like Tracey Gold’s DUI mugshot because that’s just hot.
Tonya resolves to:
Stop trying to convince salespeople their jeans are defective due to the massive excess “skinnage” that is created when she forces herself into a size 4. (She could wear a size 4! You don’t know!)
Cease and desist all efforts to contact, hang out with, and, or, become BFFs with Lindsay Lohan. Probably.
Find a better place to hide the bodies. The folks at CVS are starting to pay more attention to their freezer section.
Amp up her total “Gangsta” image with a stint on the inside. Or, at least, just say she did a nickel.
Kristine resolves to:
Finally get around to canceling that gym membership!
Read more. Starting with her bank statements. And maybe OK! Magazine.
Spend more quality time with the children. And probably bathe them more frequently, because holy cow, kids stink.
Kelcey resolves:
To order less sushi. Because she has a kitchen. With a stove and stuff.
To go to bed earlier so she can be less cranky during the day. Because it’s not necessary to be up at 12:30 am comparing prices on flights to Paris. Because she’s not going to Paris. For a very long time.
To be a little more kind to her husband. Because saying things like, “How is it possible that you still don’t know what the kids eat for lunch?! Seriously, HOW IS IT POSSIBLE?!” is apparently not loving.
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Please share your New Year’s Resolutions with us. We can be strong together in the New Year!
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When Money and Marriage Don’t Mix
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband and I went to dinner recently and he paid for the majority of the meal, leaving him with $2.00 in his wallet. The next morning, on his way out of the gym, he felt light headed due to his diabetic condition and when he went to purchase an energy bar realized he had only $2.00 in his wallet and could not buy it.
He called me and told me that he was surprised (actually blamed me ) that I would let him go out with only $2.00 in his wallet. I was floored, as he has money everywhere, could have easily taken some yet chooses to blame me for his wallet being almost empty. He controls all of his money, all of the time. I have nothing to do with his funds. Should I really be responsible for this?
Signed,
Who You Blaming?!
_______________________
Dear Who You Blaming,
I’m so glad you wrote in because the other day I locked myself out of the house, had to pay 70 bucks for a locksmith and I’m so grateful that I now have someone to blame. So thanks a lot for letting me do that. Oh and I’m also pissed at you for that time I sprained my ankle playing tennis. And for that day when I wore my shirt inside out for 7 hours before someone had the decency to tell me.
In all seriousness – it sounds like the only person your husband should be mad at is himself. I’m sorry he only had two dollars in his wallet but that is hardly your fault. And you should introduce him to these fancy new things that were just invented called credit cards and ATM cards. They really are magic and can work wonders when one finds themselves a bit short on cash. Did he have any of those in his wallet at the time?
So no, you are absolutely not to blame. But it does sound like there might be some tension between the two of you when it comes to control over money. Am I reading too much into your question? Every couple works out their money differently. Some share funds. Some keep separate accounts. Some drive to Vegas and spend it all there. Whatever works.
But you two are married. And you need to manage and spend your money in a way that works for both of you. So maybe you both need to sit down and have more of a big picture discussion about your financial arrangement.
Good luck to you.
Kelcey, TMH
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He Loves Me. He Loves Me Not.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I love my boyfriend very much but I’m beginning to wonder if I should end our relationship, even though the thought alone hurts. We’re best friends. We have been together about 15 months. He is 32 and I am 23.
We do not live together but I stay at his house often. However, he has a habit of wanting to see me all the time and then for about 2 weeks only wanting to see me 2-3 times a week. This has happened many times. He’s not cheating. When we’re apart, we keep in contact and we are usually playing video games online together.
But the last few months he has been hinting that he wants me to move in with him. I would like to move in with him once I can afford to support myself (right now I live with my parents while I’m in school). I would even like to one day marry him.
But he is a very indecisive person and I feel he is being indecisive about our relationship. I don’t want to end things and I know he loves me but I don’t want to be in a relationship where I’m always worried he’s going to want distance himself.
How should I handle this?
Signed,
You Need Space, I Need Consistency
___________________________
Dear You Need Space,
You know what? I love space. I love alone time. I am hoping my Christmas stocking is stuffed full of alone time this year. But does your boyfriend just need space sometimes or does his feelings run hot and cold for you? That’s what you need to figure out.
Maybe he has commitment issues. Maybe he loves you but isn’t convinced you are the one. Maybe he’s running an illegal Silly Bandz business out of his basement when you aren’t around. I have no idea. But you should not even think of moving in with this guy until your relationship is in a different place.
You really need to change the dynamic here. Basically, when he wants to see you, you make yourself available. And then he is dismissing you when he’s had enough. That does not create a balanced relationship. Why don’t you try several months of only seeing him two to three times a week? You can have a great time together and the rest of the week, make yourself busy with school, friends, movie outings, whatever. Focus on yourself a bit more and give him the space he desires. There needs to be more equilibrium in this relationship.
You also might want to consider seeing a therapist together if he’s open to it. A third person in the room might be able to help him sort out his mixed feelings and help you both figure out where this relationship is going.
I do see a red flag here and this relationship may not be forever. But you are so YOUNG. In a few years, you might just be laughing with your friends and saying, “Remember when I dated that guy who ran the illegal Silly Bandz business?! I wonder what ever happened to him.”
Good luck and keep us posted.
Kelcey, TMH
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Friday Fun: Spot The Fake Nail Polish Color!
Are you ready for the joyous holiday season? And more importantly, are your nails? And toes?! Because what if someone whisks you off on a Caribbean vacation? You don’t want to experience the humiliation of winter toe nails.
On a recent trip to the pedicureporium, we couldn’t help but notice that some of the nail polish colors names were a bit, well, unusual. So we have compiled them here for you in pairs. In each pair, one is a real nail polish color and the other we made made up.
See if you can spot the fake one in each grouping.
The person who guesses the most fake colors correctly, gets whisked away on a Caribbean vacation. That she will plan and pay for herself. We’ll provide the whisk. We are housewives, you know.
Have fun!
Spot the Fake Nail Polish Color!
Be-Clause I Said So
I Saw a MILF Kissing Santa Claus
* * *
Off My Chest-Nut
Chest-Nuts To You
* * *
Egg You On Nog
Don’t Be Eggnogious
* * *
Stop Stocking Me
Stocking Hanging On My Legs
* * *
Sugar Plum Fairies Gone Wild
Ain’t Yo’ Mama’s Sweetened Fairies
* * *
Naughty Is the New Nice
Nice is Your Mother’s Naughty
* * *
The Mistletoe Position
Keep Me On My Mistletoe
* * *
Shopping Frenzy
Black Friday Redux
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The Mouthy Housewives’ First Annual Holiday Gift Guide
The Mouthy Housewives know that this holiday season is about family, tradition and togetherness.
Hahahahaha! We’re so funny, aren’t we?! Okay, let’s get serious.
The Mouthy Housewives know that this holiday season is about GIFTS, yo!
And, as always, we’re here to help! In the form of our very first Holiday Gift Guide for those very-special-someones on your list! (Our lawyers insisted that you sign some waivers before taking our recommendations on these, but pshaw! We like to live on the edge, baby!) So here we go! Gift time!
For your brother’s new wife:
"And you can always "x" out the heart if he gets on your nerves!"
For your pain in the ass co-worker:
"Get it? It's a mug and a toilet! Ha! I thought of you as soon as I saw it! Sanka?"
Toilet Bowl Mug (Affiliate link) ((So buy a couple.))
For a hostess gift:
"I'll have a whiskey SOUR, please!"
For your BFF, who may or may not be Courteney Cox:
"Apply where the sun don't shine!"
For your no-longer-affiliated-with-PETA BFF:
"I'm not a pet, dumbass, I'm a clutch!"
Christian Louboutin Anstasia Fox Fur Clutch/Pet. Only $2,345!
For Your Favorite Tea Party Member:
"Please wash me by hand. Thank you."
A Swarovski teacup. Under $700 and anti-government!
For the mom in your kid’s class who sends her kid to school with a fever:
A bacteria necklace. What’s that around your neck? STAPH, baby!
For your PTA nemesis:
A crowbar to help her get her head out of her, um, you know.
For your kid’s obnoxious friend:
A new babysitter! (Heroin & herpes cold sores not included.)
For your mother-in-law:
A sweet teddy bear! (Oops! How did all those pins get in there? Ouchie!)
For your ex’s new girlfriend:
So they know what they're kissing. Hmmm?
Bacon Lip Balm, $3.99. Their faces after they kiss: Priceless.
For your favorite reality star:
A Hidey Hole! Get inside, Kardashians! And Teen Moms! And close the lid! Good luck! Hope you can breathe! 
(Hidey hole’s resemblance to a Georgia O’Keeffe painting is completely unintentional, but totally awesome.)
For your therapist:
A comfy therapist is a happy therapist!
Freudian Slippers! $24.95 (Just deduct the cost from your next session & then tell us how that makes you feel.)
For your hot mailman:
We only wish Jack would go postal on us. Rwor! Lick my stamp, Jack! LICK MY STAMP! Oh, God, I'm being delivered!
The Postman Always Rings Twice DVD from Amazon.
For your favorite Mouthy Housewife:
What? Oh! Sorry! We thought it was the 80′s! Is this better?
Oh, who are we kidding? Get us one of each! They’re little! (Well, hopefully not too little. Oh, no, we di’int! YES, WE DID!)
Happy shopping!
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