Bad Mom, Bad Mom, Whatcha Gonna Do?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband has been out of town for a week, and I’m stuck at home with my one-year-old and my three-year-old. The weather’s too nasty to go outside, plus the baby’s sick, so it’s made me totally exhausted. I’ve been letting my older child watch a lot of TV just so I can get a break, but this is making me feel really guilty. Am I a bad mom?
Signed,
Boob Tubing In Boston
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Dear Boob Tubing,
You know the type of woman who never asks herself if she’s a bad mom? It’s the one whose kids are slurping Diet Coke out of baby bottles and playing soccer in Ross Dress for Less.
You know the type of woman who constantly asks herself if she’s a bad mom? It’s the one whose kid is doing just fine, but she still thinks she has to wonderfully fulfill every second of his little life or he won’t get early admission to Harvard.
Sound familiar?
If your children are fed, clothed and loved to the best of your ability, of course you’re not a bad mom. And let’s be honest, stuck inside the house with a sick baby and an active toddler for a week with no help is pretty much like being a contestant on some masochistic Japanese game show. Like “Big Happy Hamster Time Dance” or something. Hard work, no fun and you can’t understand what the hell everyone’s saying.
Now, if you can’t find anyone to come give you a break and you’re truly trapped, I suggest spreading out the TV watching in half-hour increments. Maybe try to sit next to your child while he’s watching so you feel like you’re interacting somewhat. (Note: You don’t have to actually pay attention to the show for this to work. Just randomly yell out, “Wow! That’s sure a funny turtle!” every few minutes. Because there’s always a funny turtle.) No, this isn’t the best thing for your kid, but a few days of extra TV time so mommy can get a break never harmed anyone.
And the next time your husband goes away for a week, make sure it’s in the summer.
Love,
Wendi, TMH
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Talking to Kids About That Thing
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband recently had the sex talk with our 11-year-old son. My husband said that it went well. Unfortunately, when I asked him if he told our son that it is okay to masturbate, he looked at me like I was insane and said that no way was he “going there.” He feels like this is something that people just know and that they don’t need permission. I think that it’s wrong to assume that, but I also think that it would be better coming from my husband than from me.
What do you think?
Signed,
I am a Girl, Don’t Make Me Do It
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Dear Girl,
Masturbation is like meth. We all do it, but no one talks about it.
Let me lend you a hand with this one. Your husband doesn’t feel comfortable telling your son that it’s OK to date Mrs. Palmer because his father never told him. Why not call your father-in-law to discuss this lapse in his parenting? It’s not too late to recreate that all-important father-son moment for your husband! If his father is not available (like if he is no longer with us, or upon hearing your request, denies paternity), I recommend asking another male role model to step in to assure your husband. Perhaps a friend, or even a co-worker would work in a pinch. Feel free to brainstorm with some girlfriends.
Now that we got the awkwardness out of the way, let’s attack this head on.
You and your husband need to relay the message that masturbation is a normal and healthy part of sexual development. This also would be a wonderful time to discuss issues such as privacy, closing the door, and knocking on any closed door. If your husband refuses to talk to your son about it, you may have to grab the bull by the horns yourself.
Try to be direct about it. Say, “I don’t think your dad mentioned it, but masturbation is a normal and healthy activity.” It may be awkward, but the awkwardness is a small price to pay for your child not feeling conflicted or guilt-ridden over something normal and natural. Also, reassure your son that unless he raises the issue with you or his father, you will never bring it up again.
If you prefer the less direct route, consider saying, “hey, did you hear about the 15 best songs about masturbation list? Want me to leave the link on your Facebook wall?”
He will probably decline, but a beautiful conversation may blossom.
Good luck!
Marinka, TMH
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I’ll Be Right Outside. Waiting.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
After years of going to the ladies room with me, my 5-year-old son now wants to go into the men’s room without me. The first time he did this, I stood outside the men’s room door like a freak, waiting anxiously for him to come out and glaring toughly at all the men who walked in. I’m (sort of) sure he’ll be okay in there, but I just don’t like the thought of a little boy being alone in the restroom with strange men. What can I do to calm down?
Signed,
Waiting Outside
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Dear Waiting,
I assume that for reasons that are best known to you, you’ve decided that gender reassignment is not the right option for your family right now. Therefore, you are facing a problem that all opposite sex parents experience when out with their children.
Fortunately, there are solutions.
You could delay your departure from home by a few minutes during which you ensure that your son not only used the bathroom but is in the early stages of dehydration. Or you could remain within a 200 yard dash to your bathroom. You could insist that his father accompany you on all outings. You might consider donning an Annie Hall-type outfit and leading him into the men’s room yourself. All of these are viable and strongly recommended if you want to end up on that new website, Mothers of Walmart.
The fact is, millions of people of all ages use public bathrooms every day without becoming crime victims. We know this rationally, but it’s hard to forget that kid in Witness. I mean, what if my little boy goes into the bathroom and comes out Amish? That would be really inconvenient, especially now that The Real Housewives of New York City is going to be back on TV soon.
Talk to your child. Explain, if you haven’t already, the concept of stranger danger and make sure he knows what to do if someone approaches him in the men’s room. (Scream). And if you feel like your child has been in there for too long, announce loudly that you are coming in. Chances are great that you will hear a mortified “MOOOOM! I’M WIPING!!” which will be like a Beethoven sonata for your soul.
By the way, last year, Dear Abby recommended that children take a walkie talkie to the bathroom so that they can alert mom in case there is a problem. Free Range Kids took her to task for her advice. And not just because walkie talkies are so 1980s. Certainly, there’s an app for bathroom danger now on the iPhone, right?
Love,
Marinka, TMH
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Hey, have you heard? BlogHer ‘10 is coming to NYC this summer and some of the Mouthy Housewives (together with Aunt Becky!) have put together a proposal for a room, called Dear Abby 2.0: Giving Advice in the Blogosphere. It’s going to be fantastic, but we need your help. Just click here, log on to BlogHer and then click “I would attend this session” (it’s just above the title: Dear Abby 2.0). After you click it it will miraculously say “I would not attend this session”. This means that your vote for the session has been successfully registered. Thank you! And see you in NYC!
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Single Mom Seeks Support
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I recently left my fiancee, and we have a six-month-old baby. He moved out of our apartment and into his parents’ house and I am staying at our apartment (I have been paying all the bills since our child was born anyway). In our discussions, he has made it very clear he didn’t want me to date and wasn’t going to date himself. However, I recently found a personals ad that he placed on Craigslist.
He has also been extremely disrespectful to me (name calling, etc). Two questions. 1. Do I have a right to be bothered by this personal ad (in which he bashes me)? 2. Is filing for child support inappropriate?
Signed,
Single Mom
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Dear Single Mom,
It’s too bad that I am already married because nothing turns me on like a personals ad in which the guy bashes the mother of his child. Most women crave that kind of a relationship.
To answer your question, you have a right to be bothered by anything and everything from the way that your ex treated you to this season’s The Bachelor. I mean, how many landing strips jokes can they make? Of course I’ve only seen the first episode, so the answer may well be “one.” Anyway.
I don’t know why your ex-fiance thinks that he has a right to tell you that you can’t date, but you have absolutely no obligation to comply. Likewise, it is hard to tell from your letter whether you are feeling jealous that he seems to be ready to Craigslist date or you’re annoyed because he’s so double-standard about it. In either case, own your feelings.
But also realize that you and he will be parents to your child for the rest of your life, and the two of you will have to work out some parenting rules. At the top of that list should be that each of you is respectful of the other. I can see that this is going to be a challenge for him, and you may consider inviting him to attend a parenting class with you. Don’t put the burden on him alone. For example, as tempting as it may be to say, “Since you are a dumbass with no parenting or social skills, why don’t you go to class and learn how to be a dad?”—don’t. Tell him that you want to be the best parents that you can be to your baby and that you want to make sure that the two of you are prepared for the challenges of parenting when the two of you are not together.
And of course he should be paying child support. Supporting your child is part of being a parent. There are even laws about it.
Good luck to you,
Marinka, TMH
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My Sitter Sucks But My Kid is Happy
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a babysitter that is driving me crazy but my kid really likes her. She has lied to me in the past and is lazy. After my kid has a snack, she won’t even rinse the dish. If she eats something, same thing. She just tosses everything into the sink. The dishwasher is right there. I’m not asking her to clean my home, just clean up a bit after my kid and HERSELF! How do I deal with this?
Signed,
You’ve Got to be Kidding Me
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Dear You’ve Got to be Kidding Me,
Your babysitter is lazy, a liar and a slob? Well, on the upside there is little chance that anyone is going to try to steal her away from you (and you know how nasty those babysitter wars can get). Of course, on the downside, you actually employ her.
Everyone has different standards for babysitters. For some parents, they just want their kid in one piece when they walk in the door, and they don’t care if the kid is asleep on the stove top as long as it’s turned off. Other parents expect a tidy playroom, clean dishes and children that have actually had their teeth brushed and hair washed. So figure out what is important to you.
As for me, I drew the line at a sitter who left my kid’s big ole poop in the portable potty. It was disgusting. The whole house smelled nasty when I came home from a lovely girls’ night out. I firmly told the sitter that poop comes with the job and she just as firmly told me that she’d find another job. I guess we just weren’t meant to be.
It sounds like you have become a personal assistant to your babysitter. It’s great that your child likes her, but your kid will like other sitters, too. Unless you’re paying this sitter in Monopoly money, you are being taken advantage of, so get rid of her fast.
Find some new sitters and express your requirements (like cleaning the dishes or neatening up the toys) from the very beginning so there is no confusion. You can often find a new sitter by posting an ad on a local college site. Make sure to check references so you can weed out the bad candidates. You know, the ones that are lazy, liars and slobs.
And a good rule of thumb…. if your babysitter is treating you like your ex-boyfriend did, then dump the chick and move on.
Good luck to you,
Kelcey, TMH
