I’ve recently gone back to work so we had to get a nanny for our 4 month old. A friend of ours loves her nanny and our babies are about the same age so we have decided to do a nanny share where the woman watches both babies. I thought that this was working out really well until recently when I learned that the nanny doesn’t hold my baby very much.

My friend’s daughter is much louder and needier than my son so it seems like he is getting the short end of the stick.  When they go out, the nanny has my friend’s baby in the Bjorn while my son is stuck in the stroller. And when it’s feeding time she has the girl in her arms with a bottle while my son is, once again, stuck in the swing or bouncer!

I’m really worried that my child isn’t getting enough physical contact! Am I being overly paranoid and high maintenance? The nanny is really great in every other way!

Signed,

Dear Hold My Baby Dammit,

I don’t think you are being paranoid or overly high maintenance.

If you were, your worries would include:

-Is the nanny watching me while I sleep?

-Can she hear my thoughts when I’m not wearing my foil hat?

-Why won’t she use military corners when making my son’s bed?

-Is the nanny planning on stealing my child and selling him to Angelina Jolie?

-Why won’t the nanny feed my son his rice cereal from our best china?

-Doesn’t the nanny know my son only likes Beethoven Symphony performed by the New York Philharmonic, NOT the Old El Paso Orchestra!

It seems to me that your concern is warranted. The sense of touch is the primary way a mother or caregiver communicates with her baby. And given that the skin is the largest sense organ, this makes it extremely important. Studies have shown that touch helps in both the growth of the body and the brain, and can even aid in digestion. Physical contact, such as holding, hugging, and massaging, creates a sense of security and attachment that helps babies to blossom.

That being said, attachment studies have also shown that it’s more about quality contact than quantity. So your real concern should be if the nanny is able to give your son the quality interaction he deserves.  Does she respond to him immediately when he needs it? Does she talk to him? Does she hold him other times of the day? Certainly, if he were in daycare this would be the case. And there are thousands/millions of children who thrive in that environment.

It’s time to have a serious heart-to-heart with your nanny.  Because, not only is she in charge of your most precious bundle of joy, but she is also being paid to be a nanny – not a daycare. And taking this one step further, you really have to listen to your gut. You are your son’s mother. You know him best. If this situation doesn’t make you feel comfortable, then change it. There’s no need to throw around labels like “high maintenance” when it comes to your child. You want what is best for him. Even if that means getting a nanny just for him.

Good Luck,

Tonya, TMH

Here are a few interesting articles on the subject:

Brain Development in Childhood

How Important is Physical Contact With Your Infant?

Stimulation and Development During Infancy: Tuning in to Your Baby’s Cues

And this book is an amazing resource*:

What’s Going on in There? How The Brain and Mind Develop in The First Five Years of Life by Lisa Eliot, PhD

I read this while I was pregnant and have gone back to it throughout my son’s 4 (sometimes seemingly LONG) years.

*This post contains an Amazon affiliate link.

My cousin is pregnant with a little boy, and while I’m extremely happy for her, I can’t stand the name she picked out for him. And obviously I can’t tell her how much I don’t like the name so I need a really great nickname for the name Colton.

Any ideas?

Signed,

You’re Naming Your Kid What?!

__________________

Dear You’re Naming Your Kid What?!,

Well, don’t go blaming yourself for this. I have personally introduced a constitutional amendment requiring all people to keep their baby names a secret until AFTER the child is born.

It’s just terribly awkward to know a baby’s name beforehand. First of all, it’s hard to get jazzed about the birth of a baby when you already know every detail months in advance.  I’m having a baby. It’s a girl. Her name is Elizabeth Sarah. The c-section date is on April 25th. She’s a Taurus and her hobbies will be horseback riding and rowing. TMI people.

Second of all, it’s a lot easier to hate a name before the baby is born. Once you are cooing over the little tyke, it’s possible to forget that his name is Vanilli or Pilot Inspektor. Not completely. But those cute cheeks and baby soft skin make it a bit more palatable.

Now we have gotten this baby name problem before. And I was really bracing myself for you to share some kind of horrific name. But Colton? Oh my gosh, I love that name! Like if Tim Riggins of Friday Night Lights wasn’t named Tim Riggins – he would be named Colton. Colton is like a hot cowboy. Or a handsome movie star. Or maybe a cheesy soap character. But let’s focus on cowboy and movie star. I really think it’s a pretty cool name.

Does that help? Oh man, you still don’t like it. Alright, how about if you just call him “Cole?” Or maybe “Ton” but that could be politically incorrect with the whole eradicate childhood obesity campaign going on right now.  You could just call him “the baby” but of course, that will get strange once he starts high school.

I think the best bet is to wait and meet the little guy. You might be so enamored with him, you won’t care what he goes by.  That’s probably why they make those babies so ridiculously cute.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

The PTO at my daughter’s (public) elementary school is throwing a big party next month to raise money. It sounds like it’ll be a good time with a band, food, etc., but they’re charging $150 PER TICKET. There are a lot of families who can probably afford this, but not mine. I think $300 is just ridiculous and I know that our PTO already has a surplus of money, so it just seems greedy.

The main problem is that I’m friends with a lot of the parents and teachers and they keep asking me if my husband I are going to the party. I don’t know if I should lie and say we’re out of town that night (and then hide that weekend) or tell the truth and risk embarassment. What do you think?

Signed,

No Party, Please

________________________

Dear No Party Please,

Your question is exactly why I regularly zoom past the pack of women outside Panera Bread and scream: “LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU PTO MUTHAF@#%ERS! I’VE TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES THAT I WILL NOT BE A LOWLY PUPPET IN YOUR EVIL REIGN OF TERROR! YOU DON’T OWN ME! NOBODY OWNS WENDI! NOOOOOO-BOOOODYYY!”

And then I wonder why I get stuck picking up the dirty Band-Aids after Track and Field day.

But it does sound like you have one of the worst kinds of PTOs: the kind that acts like they’re doing things for the kids when they’re really doing things for themselves. Why else would they feel the need to throw a party when they supposedly don’t need the money? If you ask me, it sounds like Miss Ginger Sue Tompkins got a bug in her bonnet and now she wants to throw a big ‘ol bash for all y’all glitzy gals! (Please, someone get me out of Texas. Why am I talkin’ like this, y’all?)

I do agree that $150 is a bit steep for a public school event and I’m sure you’re not the only person who can’t afford it. And if it were me, I would simply say, “We’re not going because it’s not in our budget.” However, I can understand if you’re not comfortable saying that, so maybe you could go with a basic, “I wish we could go, but we have another commitment that night.” That should suffice.

But if it doesn’t and people press you as to what commitment you have that night (which is entirely possible), you have two choices. One: mumble something about work or church or sports. Or two: look them straight in the eye and say “My coven is sacrificing a rabbit that night and I don’t want to miss drinking the blood!”

Actually, the coven party sounds kind of fun. I wonder if that’s in my budget?

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

My 15 year old son is very disrespectful. He argues all the time and he lies. I’ve grounded him. I’ve taken everything away. He just doesn’t care. I don’t know what else to do. Are there any other options?

Signed,

Beyond My Wit’s End

—————————————————–

Dear Beyond My Wit’s End,

Unfortunately, it does sound like your home has a full-blown teenager infestation. You could call an exterminator or an exorcist? But once a home has been taken over by these extremely hormonal hominids it can be very difficult to get rid of them until voting age begins and even then it’s not a guarantee. They may even leave only to return at the age of 30.

One tactic you may not have tried yet is to take advantage of the teenager’s strong distaste for embarrassment and their stalwart denial of parental existence. This approach will require you to undergo a bit of a transformation. Nothing says dedicated parental units like a middle-aged Snooki and a 50-year old Biebs showering affection on their teenage son, in public, in full view of hundreds of his “closest” friends and acquaintances. After one of these interactions it’s quite possible to get your son to shape up simply out of fear of a replay.

Another option, although less creative and exciting, can be counseling for the teenager alone and, also for the family together. This can be extremely helpful given that the brain, mainly the cerebral cortex where planning, self-control, and judgment are developed, in a fifteen year old hasn’t yet fully matured (and won’t until the early 20’s…sorry). In short, the main focus of the teenage years is to live through them with minimal damage. This can be helped along by a trained therapist and some bite guards for the parents. Also, wine….lots of wine…for the mom.

Good Luck,

Tonya, TMH

My parents are staying with us over the holidays and although I’m happy to have them with us and my children adore them, I’m not happy that my mother tries to get the kids to drink soda.

I’m not a health nut, but we do not drink soda and I see no reason to give any to my 3 and 5 year old children.

I’ve talked to my mother about this in past years (she brings the soda with her, and doles it out as a special treat) and she said that she doesn’t know what the big deal is.

She thinks I’m being the food police. What do you think?

Signed,

Sodaless
_____________________________

Dear Sodaless,

How can you possibly be the food police if what you’re monitoring is your children’s beverage intake? Or is the beverage police a unit of the larger food police force? And is Sipowitz part of that particular task force? Because I’m still not over seeing his butt on NYPD Blue.

I do know that as a parent you have a right to determine what your children get to eat and drink. And your mother doesn’t get to overrule you.

I don’t blame you for nixing soda in your home. It has absolutely no health benefits and there’s a lot to show that it’s bad for children. (If it’s part of their daily diet. A once-a-year soda, even once a month soda is probably ok.)

Your mother may think that it is more than ok and that you are depriving your children of their constitutional right to sugar and carbonation. She can think that all she wants but she can’t substitute her values for yours and make decisions for your children.

It is also not ok for her to disregard your wishes. What if she decides one day that your children need to wear matching Christmas sweaters with reindeer appliques? Then what are you going to do?

You should talk to your mother again, perhaps in advance of her visit. Let her know that although you appreciate the time she spends with your children and you value their relationship, you are concerned about the studies that have been coming out regarding sweetened beverage consumption and childhood obesity and diabetes. If you need more ammunition, blame New York City (everyone else does) and their anti-soda posters.

I'll have a glass of water, please. Thank you.

I suspect that your mother may be trying to find a special treat that she can share with grandchildren—a forbidden fruit, so to speak, that will win them over. Suggest to her that spending time doing a favorite activity (singing Justin Bieber songs? Playing Trouble?) would be a lot better for the children’s health and the grandmother-grandchildren relationship in the long run. And if she still insists on the forbidden fruit, consider persimmon.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

image source

Over a month ago I threatened my 5 kids that still live at home (I have 8 total) that unless they cleaned their rooms and the upstairs hall we would NOT get a Christmas Tree. The younger 3 girls replied ‘we don’t care—we are getting a tree at Dad’s!’

(*&$%^) !!!!

Now, I have stuck to my guns, yet am crying inside …. I need a tree!

Signed,

O Tannenbaum!
__________________________________

Dear O,

Welcome to Threat Regret. Threat Regret occurs almost immediately after you’ve issued a threat that you know you cannot carry out or the carrying out of which will punish you more than the kids.

Every parent there has experienced Threat Regret. Even me.

Last week I told my kids that if they didn’t fold their laundry by the time I counted to three–ok, ten (thousand)–they wouldn’t be allowed to watch TV and the Good Lord in Heaven help me, I was going to cancel the trip to see their grandparents for Christmas, no matter how much I’d hate missing out on holiday air travel.

Then I had to take it back. Stupid adulthood.

I had to say things like “sometimes, mommy gets very angry and says things that she shouldn’t. What mommy should have done is taken a deep cleansing breath and thought of a better consequence for your self-centered and lazy behavior. Mommy will think of that consequence now and also will start speaking in the first person.”

Then I’d sit around pensively while the kids wondered what I was up to. (Spoiler alert: I was sitting wondering how long I had to sit around looking pensive.)

The point is, if you’re experiencing Threat Regret, admit to making a mistake. I hear it makes children see their parents as humans and not just god-like creatures.

Get the tree and enjoy it.

Or get the tree and insist that it’s yours only. Any time you see one of the kids looking at the tree and enjoying it, yell “avert eyes! avert eyes until your room and upstairs are cleansed!”

Happy Treeing!

And have the kids sweep up the needles.

Marinka, TMH

I need help. My 3 year old is pretty well behaved when we are out to dinner. My wife and I are pretty quick to dispense justice…err… gently discipline him….when he is acting up. And when we are out to dinner as just a family it is very enjoyable. But, here is my problem, it gets incredibly stressful and downright exhausting when we are out with friends with kids his age and those friends don’t set the same…or ANY…boundaries.

I find myself correcting my son’s behavior while my friends do nothing to their child. I just want to yell at my friend, “hey bozo, you want to put the drink down for two seconds, step in here and tell your kid to stop screaming like a wild banshee and running around the restaurant?”

I don’t feel comfortable disciplining their child, and biting my tongue is growing increasingly annoying…and painful.

 I know every parent has their own boundaries. But how do you deal with the situation when the boundaries are so very different….or worse yet, nonexistent?

Signed,

Trying To Enjoy My Dinner

————————————————————

Dear Trying To Enjoy My Dinner,

There is nothing more exciting than children running freely around hot food and trays weighted down with ice-cold drinks! Instead of worrying about your child or your parenting responsibilities perhaps you should begin a betting pool to see which kid does the most damage? Or which waiter will bite the dust? It’s really fun for the whole family!!

Sure, there is a strong possibility your child may grow up to act like a total douchebag in public, but, really, you can look at this as just another fun family opportunity. One where you can bet on how big of a jerk your child can be by the age of 35? How many friends he will lose in a week? Or how many complaints he can get at work before getting fired? Fun! Fun! And more fun!

Of course, if you abhor joy and merriment and would prefer to take the Debbie-Downer approach, here are a few quick-fix options:

1)   The Duct Tape Solution: Simply duct tape offending child to his/her chair and, for absolute efficiency, duct tape mouth shut as well. Enjoy meal. This one is extremely effective although it may not allow you to keep your friends. Can also be used on rowdy frat boys.

2)   The Spike The Punch Solution: Nothing gets a child to behave faster than a slight sedative in his apple juice. This one is probably illegal but perhaps worth the punishment?  This one is used by rowdy frat boys.

3)   The Passive/Aggressive Solution: This one relies on constant comments like: “Wow, little Timmy sure is energetic. I bet you have to check your food for spit a lot when you go out.” Or “Little Timmy sure can yell. There’s nothing like a damaged eardrum to make me realize I should see my doctor for my annual checkup.” This one will probably make you hate yourself.

4)   The Craigslist Solution: Place an ad looking for new, better friends. This one may require several strange and awkward dinners with pervs, freaks, and a possible serial killer or two before you find a family with whom you click.

Of course, you can always forget the quick-fix options and try talking to your friend. Although, most people are not very receptive to hearing that they lack parenting skills. I think this depends on the friendship and the personalities of the people involved.

The best option, and one with the least chance of getting you arrested or tackled by rowdy frat boys, is to stick to just going out to dinner with your immediate family. If you want to meet up with your friends and their children, try and plan some time at a playground where all of the children can run off their energy. You may be dining alone now but you should remember that the consistent parenting you are doing will make for one fine young man down the road!

Good Luck,

Tonya, TMH

I have bred two adorable little boys (a 5 year old and a 9 month old) , but it seems that my older one has grown quite the temper and attitude. He knows right from wrong but is very impulsive. If someone looks at him funny at school or, worse, makes a comment about his hair/clothes/artwork, it’s on like Donkey Kong!

We have had numerous parent-teacher meetings about his behavior. We have tried positive reinforcements (which sometimes work). The issue is that in that moment when he has a choice, he consistently makes the wrong one. As for the reason of these outbursts, he says (with prompting) it’s to garner my attention. I’m not sure if I buy this, as all of this behavior is at school, and I’m clearly not hanging out there snuggling with the baby.

I attempt to split my time with them equally but I’m breastfeeding the baby and my husband is in the military. Thankfully, there have been no threats of tossing him from the preschool…yet. So we basically have 8 months to get this behavior curbed before kindergarten. What do you suggest?

Signed,

Tired Of The Calls From Daycare

——————————————————-

Dear Tired Of The Calls From Daycare,

Does your son also yell disparaging remarks at those he believes to be beneath him? Does he fly into a rage if the paparazzi get too close? If so, he could be suffering from Christian Bale syndrome. I believe this can be cured with a few hugs and some humble pie. However, if your son does not meet the symptoms associated with this terrible thespianic affliction then it’s possible it could be a combination of things.

First, it seems your son may be having trouble adjusting to sharing you with his baby brother (totally natural). Perhaps, instead of your splitting time equally between them you could try and do things that involve everyone (easier said then done, I know). Focus on activities that will help him enjoy, and find pride in, being the older brother. As children get older, they find the idea of responsibility alluring.

Second, communication is key. When he feels angry, sad, upset, frustrated, etc, it’s important for him to have both the vocabulary and safe space to express these negative feelings. Encourage him to stamp his foot (this allows him some physical release) and say what is on his mind, even seek out a teacher and express this to her/him if he feels like his peers are not listening (they’re 4 and 5 so most likely they aren’t). Most violent outbursts happen because a child doesn’t know how to correctly express himself/herself or they don’t feel as if they are being heard. To help this along, read a few child-centric books about self-expression and anger with him. This will also give you both another opportunity to bond and open up a discussion. A few books I can think of: Mean Soup by Betsy Everitt and When Sophie Gets Angry – Really, Really Angry…by Molly Bang.

Third, be involved and be there. It seems that you have this already, and in spades. And, honestly, this can be the hardest one for some parents. Don’t give up on the positive reinforcement you have started. It’s important to keep in mind, though, that it doesn’t work overnight. I know it’s rough but keep with it and it will get better, I promise. Also, remind yourself you are not alone; all parents will face some type of developmental issue that seems insurmountable.

If he does start to show signs of diva drama and method acting madness then it’s time to call Christian Bale’s PR rep STAT!

Good luck,

Tonya, TMH

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Ever since my son was a toddler, my husband and I have worked hard to teach him good table manners. He was doing really well and we were proud of him, but then he started kindergarten and picked up bad habits from the other kids. The other night we were in a restaurant and he actually stabbed a dinner roll with his fork and blew bubbles with his straw! He says that’s how all of his friends do it and won’t listen to us. How can I get back my well mannered boy?

Signed,

Nice Manners, Babe

___________________________

Dear Nice Manners, Babe:

First of all, thank you so much for trying to teach your child good table manners. As someone who regularly dines in Texas BBQ restaurants and hamburger shacks, I certainly appreciate your efforts. I mean, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched a 400-lb. Bubba spear a 10-pound rack of greasy ribs using the wrong fork. And don’t even get me started on what those crazy Texans do to the fingerbowls. (shudder)

Anyway, I think the key word in your question here is “kindergarten” because that means your son has finally left the nest and is now interacting with the world at large. The big, trashy, burps-at-the-table and tucks-their-napkin-into-their-shirt-collar world at large. And it can be a pretty tough adjustment for diligent parents like you and me. You know that book “All I Really Need To Know I Learned in Kindergarten”? It should only include two words: Armpit farts.

What I’m trying to say in my amazingly amusing way is that non-polite table manners are just the first of many, many bad habits, words and behavior that your son is going to learn from his peers. What you need to do as his mother is quash it immediately as well as consistently reinforce what you’ve taught him at home. The next time he shows bad manners, correct him and remind him that that’s not what you do in your family. Even if his feral friends in the lunchroom think it’s awesome.

You’re unfortunately fighting an uphill battle because kids learn at a young age that there’s really no clearer path to grade school popularity than being able to fit two cheesesticks up their nose. (I don’t want to name names, but sources tell me that’s how Ashton Kutcher launched his career.) But that’s why you need to remain firm with your son on your rules. And then, when he’s the best mannered boy in law school, you can toast your hard work with a celebratory glass of champagne.

Just don’t blow bubbles in it.

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

Also, our big CHICKtionary book giveaway ends tomorrow, but  you can still enter if your fingers are fast enough! Click here for the info and rules. 

I get an email every Sunday night from my daughter’s 4th grade teacher that covers anything important for the week. But this week’s email said, “Please make sure your child is dressed for running outside, stretching, and being active. This eliminates tight skirts, floppy or clunky shoes, and coming to school without a jacket. A supportive sports-bra if your girl is beginning to bud is a thoughtful gesture, and crystal/deodorant if they are beginning to perspire is especially appreciated by their pregnant teacher! : )”

My daughter is 9-years-old! I am NOT going to give her a complex about her teeny tiny boobs or a little bit of sweat. I don’t think it is the teacher’s place AT ALL to bring up bras and deodorant. In my opinion, it is a parenting issue. I know little girls are developing earlier and earlier these days, but I’m still going to let my newly 9-year-old go without a bra and deodorant. She’s too young to worry about vanity. She goes to school in clean and appropriate clothing and has a bath or a shower everyday.

What do you think? Should she be told by her teacher to wear a bra? I know this wasn’t directed at my girl personally, but I would hate for the teacher to ever say anything to the girls about this.

Signed,

Mind Your Own Beeswax, Teacher

______________________

Dear Mind Your Own Beeswax,

Wow, where do I begin? B.O., sports bras, pregnant teachers and the phrase “if your girl is beginning to bud.” I feel like I’m trapped in an ABC After School Special with Lance Kerwin all of a sudden. Should I put on a crocheted vest and try some of that groovy angel dust I’ve been hearing so much about? Maybe I’ll do it right after I make-out with an older dude at the disco roller rink. Whee!

But back to your question. Right off the bat, I will agree that yes, the teacher is somewhat overstepping her bounds in regards to her students’ personal hygiene and support garments. Those are most definitely matters best left to parents. However, there are two things that might be at play here.

First, she’s pregnant and therefore extremely sensitive to smell.  I know that when I was pregnant, I couldn’t stand the aroma of coffee and used to yell at my co-workers for having the nerve to use the office coffee pot in the morning. “Don’t you idiot caffeine-freaks care about my unborn child?! Don’t you? What is wrong with you selfish morons? I HATE YOU!” You know, I’m still not sure why I was laid-off.

What I’m trying to say is maybe you can cut her a little slack with the deodorant issue. Your daughter may not need it, but others might. I know my 9-year-old son’s armpits have started smelling like a New York city cab driver’s lately, so we just had to buy him some deodorant. (Baby’s First SpeedStick! So cute!)

And the second thing at play is maybe she’s advising bras because the girls who are “budding” are being teased. Rather than singling them out and/or speaking to their parents privately, she opted for sending an email to everyone. Or maybe she’s noticed that when the girls are being active at recess, like on the monkey bars, sometimes their tops flip up and there’s nothing underneath. At any rate, if you don’t think your daughter needs a bra, I wouldn’t worry about it.

I do agree that a 9-year-old girl shouldn’t have to worry about “vanity,” however wearing a bra and smelling good are issues that are going to come up sooner than you think so it never hurts to teach her about it while she’s young. (Because you don’t want her to be this person when she grows up.) And while your kid’s teacher might be a little bit of a busybody, I have to say that it sounds like she really cares about the kids, too. Even the smelly ones.

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

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