Mouthing Off: If Pizza is a Vegetable Then Why Am I Getting Fat Eating DiGiorno?
We Mouthy Housewives are practically speechless over here and you know that doesn’t happen very often. We just can not believe that Congress recently decided to dismantle a USDA effort to make school lunches healthier by continuing to insist that pizza is one vegetable serving because and we swear this is true – it contains tomato paste!
Well done, Congress! We mothers are just thrilled about this because now we no longer have to convince our kids to eat broccoli and spinach. What a silly waste of time. You don’t have to actually try to get your children to eat fruits and vegetables. Just pretend they are already eating them!
Here’s a few tips to help you feed your kids:
Cheetos are really oranges. After all, they are the same color!
Doritos are just like carrots. See above for the easy-to- understand explanation.
Sausages are the same as salads. Both have a variety of stuff in them!
A Twinkie is like the identical twin of a banana or an ear of corn. But so much yummier!
See what we mean? Your kids will be happier. Less struggles at the dinner table. And sure, obesity and diabetes amongst our children will likely skyrocket. But isn’t that a fair trade off for a scrumptious meal of junk food?!
We think so too. And thankfully, Congress didn’t stop there. Our elected officials also voted to keep french fries on the menu and and delay limits on sodium and delay a requirement to boost whole grains. Bravo Congress!
Thank you for taking care of your lobbyists, instead of our children. We very much look forward to next November when we kick your pathetic, pansy tushes out of office. We promise to throw you a goodbye party. Pizza will definitely be on the menu.
26 Comments <-- Click to comment
Whatever Happened To Baby Jane’s Voice
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My daughter’s best friend is a whiny pain in the you know where. The girls are nine, but this girl seems incapable of speaking in anything but a baby voice. If that’s not bad enough, my daughter is now picking up this charming speech pattern. How do I tell my daughter to cut it out without bad-mouthing the friend?
Signed,
My Bleeding Ears
______________________________________
Dear Bleeding Ears,
Wait, we’re not supposed to badmouth our children’s friends? I really wish they’d throw those rules into the hospital bag instead of formula samples. Because formula you can buy at the store; wisdom, not so much.
As a survivor of the Baby Voice, I have to tell you that you’ve got to nip that in the baby bud. Because after surviving the whining, we need a break.
First, you need to disabuse yourself of the notion that you cannot be critical of your child’s friend. Don’t call her a pain in the nether regions, but make a rule: In your home, they can talk however they choose behind closed doors, but once they come out to communicate with you, they can’t sound like Cyndi Lauper.
Second, when you are alone with your daughter, tell her that you will not respond to her unless she speaks in her nine year old voice. Let her know that you will not respond to that vocal frequency. And then enforce it.
I’ve heard that other parents use the “if you talk like a baby, I will treat you like a baby” approach, but personally I always found that very tedious. After all, who has the energy for another reading of Goodnight Moon?! ::shudder::
Some lesser advice sites may suggest talking back to her in a baby voice, but let me tell you from bitter experience that this not only doesn’t work, as my kids always enjoyed an unholy game of Being Babies Together, but that it attracts a lot of unwanted attention from fellow elevator riders.
Hang in there, baby!
Marinka, TMH
12 Comments <-- Click to comment
How Do I Shake The Hex Of My Boyfriend’s Ex?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have been happily dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. There is only one problem in our relationship: his ex-wife.
My boyfriend and his ex have a 2 ½ year old daughter together. So, I try to stay out of the way, and even respect his ex’s wishes enough to not live or sleep over when he has the little girl. Even though I adore her and I am around her 50% of the time that she is with her dad.
But nothing I have done so far is good enough for his ex, the Wicked Witch of the West. I’ve even tried staying out of her way yet she still brings me into it.
Frankly, I’d rather just acetone her car but that wouldn’t solve anything. So what in God’s great creation am I supposed to be doing? I’m not going to turn and run because the witch will just keep on torturing everyone else. Plus, I love my boyfriend and his little girl.
Signed,
I’ve Got The Solvent, Now Where’s The Ex’s Car?
———————————————————
Dear IGTSNWTEC,
That’s a very long name. I’m winded just writing the letters. Can I just call you Apple, or how about Zuma?
Actually…Leann Rimes, is that you? Writing in to The Mouthy Housewives about Eddie’s ex on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?
No, no, wait, that’s not possible. Given LeAnn’s current muscle to skeleton ratio it would be impossible for her to even pick up a pen and write us a letter much less have the wherewithal to construct an actual sentence! But hey, now you know that should you decide to dabble in script writing you’ve got the perfect “reality” show to sell to Bravo!
I give you a lot of credit for trying to respect your boyfriend’s ex’s wishes and for putting in a lot of thought and care for his daughter. But it sounds like no matter what you do it may never be enough for the ex.
Some key factors that may be playing a part in her behavior, and to which you might want the answers, are:
1) How did their relationship end? Was it her decision or his?
2) Her daughter was only 6 months when you guys started dating, this isn’t quite Bridget Moynahan vs. Gisele Bundchen, but it’s close. Could this be hurting her? To see her daughter bond with another woman?
3) Does she have someone else in her life? Similar to the relationship you and your boyfriend have? Could she be jealous?
Of course, none of these answers is an excuse for her to act the way that she does but it may at least help you to understand her a little bit better.
I would suggest the three (or four, if she also has a new partner in her life) of you sit down for a discussion. Try and find a way to communicate, not for yourselves but for the little girl.
But you must also remember to stick up for yourself. It’s been very honorable of you to allow the ex-wife to call the shots as to when you are around her daughter BUT (big but here) there is also a point where you should stand up for yourself, your relationship with your boyfriend, and your love of the little girl too. You have been around for two years now. His daughter knows you and knows that this isn’t just some fling. It’s time to stop letting the ex control everything. It’s possible she has realized that her freak-outs get her what she wants. Stand up to her and tell her what you and your boyfriend need now.
At the end of the day, if she is still acting like the Wicked Witch of the West, you just need to realize, as Chris Rock put it best: “that *itch is crazy!” Alas, whether it’s an ex-wife, a mother-in-law, a best friend, or even a pet, our loved ones always come with some kind of baggage that we have to deal with to the best of our abilities. And unfortunately, or so I’ve been told, you can’t run over all the folks in your partner’s life that annoy you. It’s a real bummer.
Good Luck,
Tonya, TMH
11 Comments <-- Click to comment
Mouthing Off: The World’s Worst Lollipop
The week after Halloween is always a tough one for us here at at The Mouthy Housewives. We’ve eaten all of our kids’ good Halloween candy and we’re down to that crappy chocolate-free stuff.
It’s almost inhuman.
But when we heard that some people are sending and receiving lollipops that were licked by a kid with chicken pox so their kids could then lick them and not have to get the chicken pox vaccine, we held our Skittles close and asked them to forgive us. Because that craziness is nasty. And oh, by the way—illegal.
Apparently the government doesn’t look too kindly at people who send diseases through the mail. In fact, it’s a federal crime. (And don’t try to FedEx it, either. There’s that “this package does not contain blood” line you have to sign when shipping overnight. Which makes shipments to Edward Cullen super disappointing.)
So what’s a parent, who doesn’t want to vaccinate their child against the chicken pox, to do? Well, they could get an exemption. Or they could wait for their child to get the chicken pox the good old fashioned way, the way the Lord intended. Like at chicken pox parties, where a chicken pox kid’s parents invite other kids over to expose them to the pox. Those have been around for decades. But with fewer kids having the disease, parents are turning to the insanity of pre-licked lollipops and even have Facebook pages dedicated to it.
We think that it’s disgusting.
And it’s also really difficult to believe that parents willingly receive a diseased lollipop from a stranger on the internet and then expose their children to whatever the lollipop has on it. What if it’s Hepatitis? Or measles? (And yes, of course there’s talk of of people shipping measles.) To us, it just sounds like Dum Dums holding Dum Dums.
We know that there are many different ways to parent and that there is no one solution for every family. But can we agree that mailing chicken pox is terrible?
Even if gets delivered overnight.
15 Comments <-- Click to comment
Let’s Play House! You Be the Dumbass Husband!
As you all know, things here at Mouthy Housewives Headquarters usually run like a well-oiled machine. However, occasionally we’ll have what the Germans call a “Snafu.” (Or maybe it’s the Portuguese who say that, we were never big on languages.) Anyway, one of those snafus just happened in which we answered a question twice. Twice! But, where there’s confusion, there’s opportunity or something like that. So read Wendi’s answer here today, then click on over to BlogHerMoms and see how Tonya answered it. (Just don’t tell us which one you like better or we’ll have to set up the boxing ring again.)
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My children have a friend that we see quite regularly and I’ve noticed that on EVERY occasion their pretend play revolves around playing house type games. This would normally be fine, but the “couple,” whether it be a princess and a race car dating or a regular family with baby dolls, seem to be rather whiny and fussy towards one another. I feel that I might be hearing private conversations from this child’s house.
Am I being overly concerned about this area of imaginary play with the kids (ages 4-7) or should I just leave them alone? I feel that the neighbor child is rather young to be so wrapped up in boy/girl relationships. Or is that normal?
Signed,
Worried That Playing House is Becoming a Reality Show
_________________
Dear Worried That Playing House is Becoming a Reality Show,
First of all, let me warn you against Googling “girl wrapped up in boy/girl” like I just did. Holy mother of pearl, how do sex models even breathe with all of those leather restraints blocking their airways? They’re like porno Houdinis or something. I think I need to rest a moment here.
OK, I’m back. Now, let me just say upfront that I have two boys and they never really played “House.” Which is good because if they had, I’m sure our neighbors would have been treated to a lot of, “Why do you always park the car like you’re drunk, wife?” and “Maybe if you ever unloaded the dishwasher, I’d be a better driver, husband.” Because we all know it’s normal for kids to mimic what they hear at home and I’m pretty sure that’s what you’re hearing from this child.
Now, should you be concerned about it? Yes, if the little girl is saying things like, “I’ll sue your ass for alimony so fast your head will spin, jackass” to your kids or hitting them, but probably not if it’s more mundane domestic crap. Maybe she does have some disharmony at home and this is simply her way of working through it. If you know either of her parents very well, you can maybe say something benign to them like, “She sure loves to play house and fight with her pretend husband!” and see if that sets off any alarm bells. Sure it’s a little passive aggressive, but that way you’re not obviously sticking your nose in their business.
If it were me, I’d just let them continue playing what they want to play if everyone’s happy. Because chances are they’ll eventually get bored with playing “House” and move on to something new.
Like “Shacking Up.”
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
RSS Feed
