Gwyneth Says No To Botox: The Mouthy Housewives Come To Her Rescue.
Happy Friday everyone! The Mouthy Housewives were just seconds away from pouring ourselves a margarita to get the weekend started when we heard some startling news. In a recent interview, 39-year-old Gwyneth Paltrow was quoted as saying, “I’ll take my wrinkles. I don’t like the Botox thing.” Apparently, she plans to grow old gracefully? WTF?
We immediately recognized this as a call for help. So we have compiled a list of ways Paltrow can maintain her youthful glow without the help of Botox. Such as:
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Hang out with the cast of Cocoon. Wait, are they all dead?! Even better.
Never smile again. Smiles = wrinkles.
Make Apple give youth inducing facials each night.
Start taking the latest health craze: human growth hormone. That sounds organic enough.
Use cream made of crushed blood diamonds. Make sure it’s all natural!
Never travel without own soft-white light source.
Let Cher bite your neck. If the rumors are true, you’ll soon have sparkly skin and never get a day older.
Never take pictures with Moses and Apple. Their skin is too youthful.
Start lying about age. 80 never looked so good!
Adopt a Shar-Pei. One of the extra-wrinkly variety.
Get huge boob implants: nobody will be lookin’ at your mug when you suddenly have honkin’ hooters to say ‘hi’!
Conspire with BFFs Madonna and Stella McCartney to make laugh lines the newest fashion must-have accessory.
Market line of snap-on wrinkles to Rooney Mara and other wrinkleless sufferers.
Get Botocks. It’s totally not Botox.
Two words: Invisible. Tape.
Take up boxing or elective oral surgery. A swollen face erases fine lines!
Listen, if they can clone a sheep, they can clone you a back-up face.
Who’s up for a year-long masquerade party?!
So good luck, Gwynnie! We can’t wait to see how you’ll try to make us all look inadequate when you’re in your 40′s!
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Unplug!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
It seems that whenever I go out with my girlfriends, they spend so much time looking at their smart phones that I wonder even why they bother going out. I’ve mentioned that I find it rude but they sort of keep sneaking peeks, claiming that the babysitter may be trying to reach them.
Any ideas?
Signed,
Luddite
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Dear Luddite (Does that rhyme with Crudite?),
Yeah, I hear you. I hear you because I also have friends and family members who tell me that I’m on my (Very) Smart (and Beautiful) phone all the time. But I can’t help it! What if I’m spending time with my friends like an idiot and miss an email about Target’s latest promotion or a text from one of my kids letting me know that the other one is a HUGE STUPID DUMMY! Or a tweet! OMG. What if someone tweets and I’m not there to see it? Will that tweet even exist?
If this existential exploration isn’t exactly what you had in mind, I have some other ideas. (And I’m going to assume, based on your question, that you already had the mature “It bothers me when you constantly check your phone while we’re out together because it makes me feel like you’re not fully present and are also probably plotting to kill me” and “the babysitter may be trying to reach me” is the grandchild of “the dog ate my homework” discussion. )
1. Play a fun game! I heard of a new trend of everyone putting their phones into the center of the table and the first person to reach for hers pays for everyone’s dinner. Surf and Turf with truffles, here you come!
2. Every time someone checks her phone, say “OMG, is everything alright? What was THAT all about? No, I don’t believe that it was nothing. Let me see! GIVE ME THAT PHONE!”
3. Instead of meeting at local restaurant next time, try a nearby cave (call ahead to make sure there’s no WiFi). Spelunking is the latest craze! Probably.
Hopefully, you and your friends will find a happy medium (try Patricia Arquette!) and your friendship can survive this difference of opinion on etiquette.
Good luck,
Marinka, TMH
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Up Close and Personal With the Housewives: Meet Marinka!
Hello! It’s time, once again, for Meet the Housewives! Last week we enjoyed getting to know Wendi and now we’re ready to Meet Marinka!
Name: Marinka
Hometown: NYC
Age: 44, but looks younger. Especially in childhood photos.
And now here are some Q & As that will answer all the questions you never had about her!
If you were stranded on an island what celebrity would you choose to be stranded with and why?
Johnny Depp. He speaks Pirate.
Which would you rather:
-Strawberry Hill or Zima?
I don’t do drugs.
-sleep with Karl Rove or give a full body massage to Gary Busey?
A little late with that question. (Call me!)
If you were a stripper, what would be your signature song?
If? Fine. I Will Survive. It’s a klassik.
What’s your blood type?
AB-. What’s yours? I always like to surround myself with potential donors.
Who is your favorite comedian?
Robin Williams.
Why is the sky blue?
Because grass called green.
Square or rounded?
Square. OMG, does someone choose rounded?
What should they name the first Royal Child?
Prince.
Most embarrassing memory?
Yeah, right. Do I look like I was born yesterday?
What are you currently reading?
These questions. Is this a trick one?
Why do fools fall in love?
So that we can have reality TV.
If you were on a desert island, what three items (or people) would you bring?
A ship, a captain, and probably Tenille.
That’s all there is to know about Marinka! Nothing else! Certainly no criminal record or anything, so stop asking! We’ll be back soon with another Up Close and Personal Q&A! Will it be Kelcey? Tonya? Kristine? Perhaps Wendi will get some more questions to answer! Try to enjoy the weekend amid all the suspense!
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I Want a Big Wedding, He Wants To Deny Me Happiness
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m getting married! YAY!! And I’m actually excited about it. Double yay!! I have found my match in every way and I never thought I could ever be so lucky. I honestly didn’t see this happening for me. So. Happy.
The problem is this is not my first marriage. My first one started begrudgingly on my part and ended in drug addiction on his part. It was a horrible mess that I didn’t want to do in the first place. My fault. But we did have a nice, beautiful wedding with all the glitz, spectacle, and of course, gifts.
So now I feel conflicted. I don’t feel like I deserve another big party. True, this is 10 years after the first one and my social crowd is completely different, but I know that I’ve already had one wedding extravaganza. I feel guilty about having another. This is my fiancé’s first wedding but he wants the equivalent of a back yard barbecue for the reception. I feel that since I already had my party, he should get what he wants.
Am I wrong to feel disappointed?
Sincerely,
Finally Excited to Get Married
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Dear Getting Married,
Mmmm… barbecue…
I mean, Yay! Wedding! Congratulations on your engagement!
There’s no rule (that I endorse) that says that you get only one big wedding per lifetime. So if you want a big shinding, release the doves!
Oh, except your fiancé wants something more low key.
I see the problem.
We’ve all heard that it’s not the wedding but the marriage that’s important, but from where I’m sitting (in my chair) there’s no reason to plan a wedding that makes either of you unhappy.
(By the way, it is possible that in the whole history of man-woman weddings the only man who wanted a big wedding was the former Mr. Liza Minnelli. Most of the other men learned to compromise.)
And you and your honey can too. Talk to him. When you say that you want a wedding extravaganza, what do you mean? Do you want the locals to start craning for Joan Collins because they’re sure that Dynasty is filming a reunion show? Or would you be satisfied with embossed invitations with a side of calligraphy? Wear a fancy white dress? Sip Dom Perignon? Have a wedding registry?
Prioritize which of these (or others) are must have and which you are flexible on. And then discuss it with your fiancé.
He may want an intimate affair but not object to a gift registry. Or he may just really like barbecue. (Lord knows I do.) The point is, have a back and forth with him. A give and take. Getting into the practice of compromising may be the best wedding gift the two of you give yourselves.
Best wishes,
Marinka, TMH
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A Studio Of My Own. Until He Took It.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband works from home; his desk is in the family room. Normally this arrangement works well, but it’s school vacation right now. Yesterday I took my daughter out all day so he could have the house to himself and work in peace. But when we got home he proudly showed off his new home office: my studio!
He simply packed all my art and writing projects into cardboard boxes and shoved them in the closet, then he set his computer on my desk and considered it his. I feel violated and angry and I’m having a tough time even being in the same room with him right now. What should I do?
Signed,
It’s My Studio
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Dear Studio Keeper,
When you returned home, did you happen to notice if your husband had any large bumps on his head? A gash across the brow, perhaps? Anything at all to indicate that he may have hit his head and was now out of his mind?
Because absent some kind of a head trauma, I see absolutely no reason for him to think that this kind of occupation of your studio without any discussion or court order is acceptable. I really hope that he didn’t urinate on the walls of the studio to mark his territory, too.
Not only did he violate your space, but he dismissed your work in the process. And as we learned from Dirty Dancing, no one puts Baby in the corner. (You’re “Baby.” And “the corner” is “not the studio.” Sorry, I’m still in Analogy Training.)
I am going to assume that the fact that you’re angry and avoiding him is going totally over his head. I, myself, am married to one of his brethren and have taken to sending emails to my husband to let him know when I’m giving him the Silent Treatment. (He usually replies “okay.”)
You are going to have to talk to your husband. In preparation, do the type of deep breathing exercises that will deprive the rest of the world of oxygen and then let him know that you are upset. Let him know that you considered the studio yours, it has been for a while and if he wants to make a temporary change, you’d appreciate being consulted in advance.
It’s possible that he has been unhappy with the location of his home office for a while and that being in the middle of the family room hasn’t been working for him. Quite honestly, I would not be able to work like that. If he wants to make a change, discuss a time-share of the studio, but make it clear that you do not appreciate being displaced and having your work moved to the side.
Hopefully you and your husband can work this out– perhaps you can time share, with him spending more time in the studio during school vacations or the two of you putting up a wall in the family room to give him more privacy for his work. The important thing is that he acknowledge the importance of your space. And get his stuff the hell out of it.
Best wishes,
Marinka, TMH
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