Stepmother Woes
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am a full-time stepmom to 13 and 15 yr old stepsons. We also have a 6 year old son. Problem is with the 15 year old. He got all A’s and B’s first semester and now is acting like he doesn’t give a crap. Taking away privileges such as his cell phone, video games, friends and computer doesn’t seem to matter to him. It’s like he doesn’t care. It drives me crazy because my husband (the dad) can’t seem to raise his voice to put a little scare in the kid. I think the boy needs a fire lit under his butt. Should I just ignore this or what?
Signed,
Stepping Out of My Mind
________________________________
Dear Stepping Out,
I feel for you. For all the literature out there on parenting, the step-parenting materials seem to deal mostly with Cinderella. What’s a stepmom to do?
You don’t mention where your stepsons’ mother is in all this, so I am forced to assume that she is out of the picture. But even if she isn’t, this is a conversation between you and your husband.
Tell your husband that you are concerned about CinderEl. Teenagers are weirdoes. It’s one thing for a child to let his grades drop a bit, but when a kid loses interest in vital items like electronics and friends, all sorts of alarms should be going off. Is he depressed? In crisis? You and your husband may need to speak to his teachers and guidance counselor about this.
If you receive a clean bill of mental health from all the professionals involved and all the drug tests that you’ve performed on his hair samples come back negative, it’s time for the next phase. You, your husband and CinderEl need to sit down and you have to explain to him what the expectations are. Ask him what the consequences should be. (Personally, I’ve found that teenagers are motivated by cash, and taking their allowance from them is a real teenage Come To Jesus moment.)
Good luck. Step-parenting is not for wimps.
Love,
Marinka
________________
Psst! Will you be done with your ironing by Tuesday, March 9th? And are you in NYC? Or at least a broomstick ride away from it? If so, great! Please come to an Afternoon of Indulgent Moments! Featuring Dove Chocolate and Gallo wine, and decadent treats and beauty and relaxation treatments, and did we mention DOVE CHOCOLATE AND GALLO WINE?!
How do you reach this Nirvana? Go to The Chelsea Market, 75 Ninth Avenue, in NYC, 3 to 7 pm on Tuesday, March 9th, and just tell them that The Mouthy Housewives sent you.
3 Comments <-- Click to comment
Stop Making Plans, I’m Pregnant!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am six months pregnant and very hormonal. My husband’s brother called last week and said that he had set a date for his wedding. It just so happens that it is four hours away, two weeks before my due date. Now, this wouldn’t be such a big deal except my other son was born four weeks early. Oh, and he wants my husband and son to be IN the wedding. I don’t want to go and I don’t want my boys to go either. Am I just being mean or do I have a right to be angry?
Signed,
Pouty Preggo
____________________________________
Dear Preggo,
Of course you have a right to be angry! Stupid brother-in-law is focused his stupid plans for his stupid wedding when you are on the verge of procreating and making sure that the human race continues to exist. Certainly puts things in perspective.
What? You really thought that I’d tell a hormonosaurus that she’s being unreasonable? My mama didn’t raise no fool, you know.
But maybe your brother-in-law’s mama did. Perhaps he thinks that your June 1st due date is etched in stone and feels free to plan around it. This is the perfect time for you to have a talk with him. Let him know that when mommy and daddy love each other very, very much, they enjoy a special hug. And then, some nine months later, a beautiful baby is born. But the nine months time is approximate because sometimes the beautiful baby is in a very big rush to meet his mommy and daddy and also favoritest uncle in the whole world. And the beautiful baby would be sad to know that he was born right during the wedding and missed all the fun. That would make the beautiful baby cry. A very loud cry that pierces the soul and sterilizes middle aged men. Certainly, your bro-in-law doesn’t want that.
Or, have your husband tell his brother that if the wedding is so close to your due date, your family can’t guarantee attendance. But promise to definitely try to make the next one!
Best,
Marinka, TMH
10 Comments <-- Click to comment
Other People’s Dirty Laundry
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
A friend recently returned some maternity clothes to me. I don’t even need them anymore but I’d like to lend them to another friend. Here’s the problem—they were returned completely dirty. Am I supposed to pay for all these sweaters to be dry cleaned? I don’t want to hand them over to my other friend dirty. What should I do?
Signed,
I Don’t Want to Pay For It
___________________________
Dear Don’t Want To,
Well, I hope you learned a really important lesson: No good deed ever goes unpunished. What were you thinking, lending maternity clothes to another preggo? In this dog-eat-dog world, being helpful to a friend is practically a felony.
And your friend is no fool, she knows this. She borrowed the clothes, used them, by apparently rolling in the mud like the pig that she is, and then dropped them off at your place. Easy peasy.
You, on the other hand, seem to be happy to rinse and repeat by lending the clothes to yet another “friend.” I don’t know how you can live with yourself.
I know that you’re expecting me to say, “Talk to your friend. Ask her gently if she’d mind taking the clothes to the dry cleaner’s and returning them to you in the condition that she received them, less ordinary wear and tear of course, tee hee!” Well, I’m not saying it.
I’m saying, pay for the dry cleaning yourself. You’ll feel really resentful towards your friend, but that feeling will really help you when she asks to borrow some baby clothes, or maybe a bouncy seat. Oh, how you’ll snap at her when she asks if she could possible borrow your Maclaren. Really, have your Flip camera ready for that one. I mean, the friendship will be ruined, but it will feel fantastic to get all that festering resentment off your chest.
Or, if you sort of like your friend despite her bad manners, maybe you should just go ahead and ask her to dry clean the clothes. It’s a small awkward price to pay to save a friendship.
Yours in cleanliness,
Marinka, TMH
4 Comments <-- Click to comment
Talking to Kids About That Thing
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband recently had the sex talk with our 11-year-old son. My husband said that it went well. Unfortunately, when I asked him if he told our son that it is okay to masturbate, he looked at me like I was insane and said that no way was he “going there.” He feels like this is something that people just know and that they don’t need permission. I think that it’s wrong to assume that, but I also think that it would be better coming from my husband than from me.
What do you think?
Signed,
I am a Girl, Don’t Make Me Do It
___________________________________
Dear Girl,
Masturbation is like meth. We all do it, but no one talks about it.
Let me lend you a hand with this one. Your husband doesn’t feel comfortable telling your son that it’s OK to date Mrs. Palmer because his father never told him. Why not call your father-in-law to discuss this lapse in his parenting? It’s not too late to recreate that all-important father-son moment for your husband! If his father is not available (like if he is no longer with us, or upon hearing your request, denies paternity), I recommend asking another male role model to step in to assure your husband. Perhaps a friend, or even a co-worker would work in a pinch. Feel free to brainstorm with some girlfriends.
Now that we got the awkwardness out of the way, let’s attack this head on.
You and your husband need to relay the message that masturbation is a normal and healthy part of sexual development. This also would be a wonderful time to discuss issues such as privacy, closing the door, and knocking on any closed door. If your husband refuses to talk to your son about it, you may have to grab the bull by the horns yourself.
Try to be direct about it. Say, “I don’t think your dad mentioned it, but masturbation is a normal and healthy activity.” It may be awkward, but the awkwardness is a small price to pay for your child not feeling conflicted or guilt-ridden over something normal and natural. Also, reassure your son that unless he raises the issue with you or his father, you will never bring it up again.
If you prefer the less direct route, consider saying, “hey, did you hear about the 15 best songs about masturbation list? Want me to leave the link on your Facebook wall?”
He will probably decline, but a beautiful conversation may blossom.
Good luck!
Marinka, TMH
4 Comments <-- Click to comment
Help! My Almost-Stepson is Not Growing Up!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am engaged to a wonderful, kind and supportive man. I love him very much and I know he loves me. (You should see the rock! I kid, I kid.) He was married before and he has three adult sons, and even though there is quite an age difference between my future husband and myself, we are okay with it.
The problem is his youngest son who is just six months older than I am. He never had a good relationship with his father before, but now that I’m in the picture, (and have been for the past four years) he is downright hostile. He will not come to our home for family get-togethers, nor will he return his father’s phone calls. The only thing that he is receptive to is taking money from us, but I’ve now put my foot down on giving him any more. After all, I worked my way through college and grad school with very little help from my parents. He is 30 years old and almost flunking out of grad school, so I think it’s time for him to be an adult.
Am I wrong? Am I being too harsh? I’m tired of being used, but my fiance had our first fight about this. Help!
Sincerely,
No More Hand-Outs
_______________________________________
Dear No More Hand-Outs,
I consulted with my 8-year-old son about this, and he agrees with you. He said definitely don’t give this kid any more money because you probably will need it yourself. That’s advice is worth its weight in gold.( The bill is in the mail.)
And I agree with you, too. A 30-year-old man is, indeed, an adult who, barring some limitation, should be able to pay his own way. And what would really help him reach his earning potential is if his father stopped doling out money.
I hope you know that you can’t fix the father-son relationship, so resolve right now to quit trying. (And if you haven’t even started trying, brava! Good call!) But on the issue of finances, I’m afraid that you and your fiance will have to revisit Your First Fight. Make it festive and celebratory. It’s an anniversary of sorts, after all.
Discuss with your fiance what your financial expectations are (try not to work “and of course you’ll leave me a huge inheritance” into the conversation). Will the two of you be combining your finances, keeping separate accounts or a hybrid of the two? If your fiance expects you to contribute to his son’s upkeep, voice your feelings on the subject. If he doesn’t expect you to chip in, but wants to continue to pay for his son, set a budget that passes your gag test.
And if all else fails, feel free to quote my 8-year-old to your fiance.
Be$t wi$hes,
Marinka, TMH
