We immediately recognized this as a call for help. So we have compiled a list of ways Paltrow can maintain her youthful glow without the help of Botox. Such as:

___________________________

Hang out with the cast of Cocoon. Wait, are they all dead?! Even better.
Never smile again. Smiles = wrinkles.

Make Apple give youth inducing facials each night.

Start taking the latest health craze: human growth hormone. That sounds organic enough.

Use cream made of crushed blood diamonds. Make sure it’s all natural!

Never travel without own soft-white light source.

Let Cher bite your neck. If the rumors are true, you’ll soon have sparkly skin and never get a day older.

Never take pictures with Moses and Apple. Their skin is too youthful.

Start lying about age.  80 never looked so good!

Adopt a Shar-Pei. One of the extra-wrinkly variety.

Get huge boob implants: nobody will be lookin’ at your mug when you suddenly have honkin’ hooters to say ‘hi’!

Conspire with  BFFs Madonna and Stella McCartney to make laugh lines the newest fashion must-have accessory.

Market line of snap-on wrinkles to Rooney Mara and other wrinkleless sufferers.

Get Botocks.  It’s totally not Botox.

Two words: Invisible. Tape.

Take up boxing or elective oral surgery. A swollen face erases fine lines!

Listen, if they can clone a sheep, they can clone you a back-up face.

Who’s up for a year-long masquerade party?!

So good luck, Gwynnie! We can’t wait to see how you’ll try to make us all look inadequate when you’re in your 40′s!

It seems that whenever I go out with my girlfriends, they spend so much time looking at their smart phones that I wonder even why they bother going out. I’ve mentioned that I find it rude but they sort of keep sneaking peeks, claiming that the babysitter may be trying to reach them.

Any ideas?

Signed,

Luddite
___________________________________

Dear Luddite (Does that rhyme with Crudite?),

Yeah, I hear you. I hear you because I also have friends and family members who tell me that I’m on my (Very) Smart (and Beautiful) phone all the time. But I can’t help it! What if I’m spending time with my friends like an idiot and miss an email about Target’s latest promotion or a text from one of my kids letting me know that the other one is a HUGE STUPID DUMMY! Or a tweet! OMG. What if someone tweets and I’m not there to see it? Will that tweet even exist?

If this existential exploration isn’t exactly what you had in mind, I have some other ideas.  (And I’m going to assume, based on your question, that you already had the mature “It bothers me when you constantly check your phone while we’re out together because it makes me feel like you’re not fully present and are also probably plotting to kill me” and “the babysitter may be trying to reach me” is the grandchild of “the dog ate my homework” discussion. )

1. Play a fun game! I heard of a new trend of everyone putting their phones into the center of the table and the first person to reach for hers pays for everyone’s dinner. Surf and Turf with truffles, here you come!

2. Every time someone checks her phone, say “OMG, is everything alright? What was THAT all about? No, I don’t believe that it was nothing. Let me see! GIVE ME THAT PHONE!”

3. Instead of meeting at local restaurant next time, try a nearby cave (call ahead to make sure there’s no WiFi). Spelunking is the latest craze! Probably.

Hopefully, you and your friends will find a happy medium (try Patricia Arquette!) and your friendship can survive this difference of opinion on etiquette.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

Name: Marinka

Hometown: NYC

Age: 44, but looks younger. Especially in childhood photos.

And now here are some Q & As that will answer all the questions you never had about her!

If you were stranded on an island what celebrity would you choose to be stranded with and why?

Johnny Depp. He speaks Pirate.

Which would you rather:
-Strawberry Hill or Zima?

I don’t do drugs.

-sleep with Karl Rove or give a full body massage to Gary Busey?

A little late with that question. (Call me!)

If you were a stripper, what would be your signature song?

If? Fine. I Will Survive. It’s a klassik.

What’s your blood type?

AB-. What’s yours? I always like to surround myself with potential donors.

Who is your favorite comedian?

Robin Williams.

Why is the sky blue?

Because grass called green.

Square or rounded?

Square. OMG, does someone choose rounded?

What should they name the first Royal Child?

Prince.

Most embarrassing memory?

Yeah, right. Do I look like I was born yesterday?

What are you currently reading?

These questions. Is this a trick one?

Why do fools fall in love?

So that we can have reality TV.

If you were on a desert island, what three items (or people) would you bring?

A ship, a captain, and probably Tenille.

That’s all there is to know about Marinka! Nothing else! Certainly no criminal record or anything, so stop asking! We’ll be back soon with another Up Close and Personal Q&A! Will it be Kelcey? Tonya? Kristine? Perhaps Wendi will get some more questions to answer! Try to enjoy the weekend amid all the suspense!

I’m getting married! YAY!! And I’m actually excited about it. Double yay!! I have found my match in every way and I never thought I could ever be so lucky. I honestly didn’t see this happening for me. So. Happy.

The problem is this is not my first marriage. My first one started begrudgingly on my part and ended in drug addiction on his part. It was a horrible mess that I didn’t want to do in the first place. My fault. But we did have a nice, beautiful wedding with all the glitz, spectacle, and of course, gifts.

So now I feel conflicted. I don’t feel like I deserve another big party. True, this is 10 years after the first one and my social crowd is completely different, but I know that I’ve already had one wedding extravaganza. I feel guilty about having another. This is my fiancé’s first wedding but he wants the equivalent of a back yard barbecue for the reception. I feel that since I already had my party, he should get what he wants.

Am I wrong to feel disappointed?

Sincerely,

Finally Excited to Get Married

_____________________________________

Dear Getting Married,

Mmmm… barbecue…

I mean, Yay! Wedding!  Congratulations on your engagement!

There’s no rule (that I endorse) that says that you get only one big wedding per lifetime.  So if you want a big shinding, release the doves!

Oh, except your fiancé wants something more low key.

I see the problem.

We’ve all heard that it’s not the wedding but the marriage that’s important, but from where I’m sitting (in my chair) there’s no reason to plan a wedding that makes either of you unhappy.

(By the way, it is possible that in the whole history of man-woman weddings the only man who wanted a big wedding was the former Mr. Liza Minnelli.  Most of the other men learned to compromise.)

And you and your honey can too.  Talk to him.  When you say that you want a wedding extravaganza, what do you mean? Do you want the locals to start craning for Joan Collins because they’re sure that Dynasty is filming a reunion show? Or would you be satisfied with embossed invitations with a side of calligraphy? Wear a fancy white dress? Sip Dom Perignon? Have a wedding registry?

Prioritize which of these (or others) are must have and which you are flexible on.  And then discuss it with your fiancé.

He may want an intimate affair but not object to a gift registry. Or he may just really like barbecue.  (Lord knows I do.)   The point is, have a back and forth with him.  A give and take.  Getting into the practice of compromising may be the best wedding gift the two of you give yourselves.

Best wishes,

Marinka, TMH

My husband works from home; his desk is in the family room. Normally this arrangement works well, but it’s school vacation right now. Yesterday I took my daughter out all day so he could have the house to himself and work in peace. But when we got home he proudly showed off his new home office: my studio!

He simply packed all my art and writing projects into cardboard boxes and shoved them in the closet, then he set his computer on my desk and considered it his. I feel violated and angry and I’m having a tough time even being in the same room with him right now. What should I do?

Signed,

It’s My Studio
________________________________________________

Dear Studio Keeper,

When you returned home, did you happen to notice if your husband had any large bumps on his head? A gash across the brow, perhaps? Anything at all to indicate that he may have hit his head and was now out of his mind?

Because absent some kind of a head trauma, I see absolutely no reason for him to think that this kind of occupation of your studio without any discussion or court order is acceptable. I really hope that he didn’t urinate on the walls of the studio to mark his territory, too.

Not only did he violate your space, but he dismissed your work in the process. And as we learned from Dirty Dancing, no one puts Baby in the corner. (You’re “Baby.” And “the corner” is “not the studio.” Sorry, I’m still in Analogy Training.)

I am going to assume that the fact that you’re angry and avoiding him is going totally over his head. I, myself, am married to one of his brethren and have taken to sending emails to my husband to let him know when I’m giving him the Silent Treatment. (He usually replies “okay.”)

You are going to have to talk to your husband. In preparation, do the type of deep breathing exercises that will deprive the rest of the world of oxygen and then let him know that you are upset. Let him know that you considered the studio yours, it has been for a while and if he wants to make a temporary change, you’d appreciate being consulted in advance.

It’s possible that he has been unhappy with the location of his home office for a while and that being in the middle of the family room hasn’t been working for him. Quite honestly, I would not be able to work like that. If he wants to make a change, discuss a time-share of the studio, but make it clear that you do not appreciate being displaced and having your work moved to the side.

Hopefully you and your husband can work this out– perhaps you can time share, with him spending more time in the studio during school vacations or the two of you putting up a wall in the family room to give him more privacy for his work. The important thing is that he acknowledge the importance of your space. And get his stuff the hell out of it.

Best wishes,

Marinka, TMH

This year we’re putting our Mouthy Housewives twist on it by offering some of our personal New Years Resolutions and we hope that writing them down will make us stick to them. Out of fear of public mocking, if nothing else. So let’s go:

In 2012, Marinka resolves to:

Stop saying 44 is the new 27! And not just because she’ll turn 44 and 12 months in 2012.

Acknowledge that she will never be able to say “dope” “phat” “ya’ll” “beyach” or any other word that’s not indigenous to her.

Ease up on the “I’m sort of a vegan” proclamations. Especially while fondling a BigMac.

Wendi resolves to:

Finally tell the mean wench in her neighborhood that if she’s going to wear a tennis skirt every day, she should at least own a mothereffin’ racket.

Stop pronouncing “self-deprecating” like “self-depreeciating.”

Cook one entire meal that doesn’t involve either a) the microwave or b) a powder packet or c) sobbing by a family member.

Continue to look like Tracey Gold’s DUI mugshot because that’s just hot.

Tonya resolves to:

Stop trying to convince salespeople their jeans are defective due to the massive excess “skinnage” that is created when she forces herself into a size 4. (She could wear a size 4! You don’t know!)

Cease and desist all efforts to contact, hang out with, and, or, become BFFs with Lindsay Lohan. Probably.

Find a better place to hide the bodies. The folks at CVS are starting to pay more attention to their freezer section.

Amp up her total “Gangsta” image with a stint on the inside. Or, at least, just say she did a nickel.

Kristine resolves to:

Finally get around to canceling that gym membership!

Read more. Starting with her bank statements. And maybe OK! Magazine.

Spend more quality time with the children. And probably bathe them more frequently, because holy cow, kids stink.

Kelcey resolves:

To order less sushi. Because she has a kitchen. With a stove and stuff.

To go to bed earlier so she can be less cranky during the day. Because it’s not necessary to be up at 12:30 am comparing prices on flights to Paris. Because she’s not going to Paris.  For a very long time.

To be a little more kind to her husband. Because saying things like, “How is it possible that you still don’t know what the kids eat for lunch?! Seriously, HOW IS IT POSSIBLE?!” is apparently not loving.

__________________

Please share your New Year’s Resolutions with us. We can be strong together in the New Year!

My parents are staying with us over the holidays and although I’m happy to have them with us and my children adore them, I’m not happy that my mother tries to get the kids to drink soda.

I’m not a health nut, but we do not drink soda and I see no reason to give any to my 3 and 5 year old children.

I’ve talked to my mother about this in past years (she brings the soda with her, and doles it out as a special treat) and she said that she doesn’t know what the big deal is.

She thinks I’m being the food police. What do you think?

Signed,

Sodaless
_____________________________

Dear Sodaless,

How can you possibly be the food police if what you’re monitoring is your children’s beverage intake? Or is the beverage police a unit of the larger food police force? And is Sipowitz part of that particular task force? Because I’m still not over seeing his butt on NYPD Blue.

I do know that as a parent you have a right to determine what your children get to eat and drink. And your mother doesn’t get to overrule you.

I don’t blame you for nixing soda in your home. It has absolutely no health benefits and there’s a lot to show that it’s bad for children. (If it’s part of their daily diet. A once-a-year soda, even once a month soda is probably ok.)

Your mother may think that it is more than ok and that you are depriving your children of their constitutional right to sugar and carbonation. She can think that all she wants but she can’t substitute her values for yours and make decisions for your children.

It is also not ok for her to disregard your wishes. What if she decides one day that your children need to wear matching Christmas sweaters with reindeer appliques? Then what are you going to do?

You should talk to your mother again, perhaps in advance of her visit. Let her know that although you appreciate the time she spends with your children and you value their relationship, you are concerned about the studies that have been coming out regarding sweetened beverage consumption and childhood obesity and diabetes. If you need more ammunition, blame New York City (everyone else does) and their anti-soda posters.

I'll have a glass of water, please. Thank you.

I suspect that your mother may be trying to find a special treat that she can share with grandchildren—a forbidden fruit, so to speak, that will win them over. Suggest to her that spending time doing a favorite activity (singing Justin Bieber songs? Playing Trouble?) would be a lot better for the children’s health and the grandmother-grandchildren relationship in the long run. And if she still insists on the forbidden fruit, consider persimmon.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

image source

Over a month ago I threatened my 5 kids that still live at home (I have 8 total) that unless they cleaned their rooms and the upstairs hall we would NOT get a Christmas Tree. The younger 3 girls replied ‘we don’t care—we are getting a tree at Dad’s!’

(*&$%^) !!!!

Now, I have stuck to my guns, yet am crying inside …. I need a tree!

Signed,

O Tannenbaum!
__________________________________

Dear O,

Welcome to Threat Regret. Threat Regret occurs almost immediately after you’ve issued a threat that you know you cannot carry out or the carrying out of which will punish you more than the kids.

Every parent there has experienced Threat Regret. Even me.

Last week I told my kids that if they didn’t fold their laundry by the time I counted to three–ok, ten (thousand)–they wouldn’t be allowed to watch TV and the Good Lord in Heaven help me, I was going to cancel the trip to see their grandparents for Christmas, no matter how much I’d hate missing out on holiday air travel.

Then I had to take it back. Stupid adulthood.

I had to say things like “sometimes, mommy gets very angry and says things that she shouldn’t. What mommy should have done is taken a deep cleansing breath and thought of a better consequence for your self-centered and lazy behavior. Mommy will think of that consequence now and also will start speaking in the first person.”

Then I’d sit around pensively while the kids wondered what I was up to. (Spoiler alert: I was sitting wondering how long I had to sit around looking pensive.)

The point is, if you’re experiencing Threat Regret, admit to making a mistake. I hear it makes children see their parents as humans and not just god-like creatures.

Get the tree and enjoy it.

Or get the tree and insist that it’s yours only. Any time you see one of the kids looking at the tree and enjoying it, yell “avert eyes! avert eyes until your room and upstairs are cleansed!”

Happy Treeing!

And have the kids sweep up the needles.

Marinka, TMH

On a recent trip to the pedicureporium, we couldn’t help but notice that some of the nail polish colors names were a bit, well, unusual. So we have compiled them here for you in pairs. In each pair, one is a real nail polish color and the other we made made up.

See if you can spot the fake one in each grouping.

The person who guesses the most fake colors correctly, gets whisked away on a Caribbean vacation. That she will plan and pay for herself. We’ll provide the whisk. We are housewives, you know.

Have fun!

Spot the Fake Nail Polish Color!

Be-Clause I Said So

I Saw a MILF Kissing Santa Claus

* * *

Off My Chest-Nut

Chest-Nuts To You

* * *

Egg You On Nog

Don’t Be Eggnogious

* * *

Stop Stocking Me

Stocking Hanging On My Legs

* * *
Sugar Plum Fairies Gone Wild

Ain’t Yo’ Mama’s Sweetened Fairies

* * *

Naughty Is the New Nice

Nice is Your Mother’s Naughty

* * *

The Mistletoe Position

Keep Me On My Mistletoe

* * *

Shopping Frenzy

Black Friday Redux

Are people obligated to attend their spouse’s office Christmas party? My husband expects me to go to his (I don’t make him go to mine), and I REALLY don’t want to go. It’s just one more thing on my already overscheduled holiday calendar.

I don’t really know the people there and have little in common with them. Plus, most office parties are completely boring and I kind of resent forking out for a babysitter just so I can hang out with people I don’t know and be bored out of my mind. I want to reclaim some of the holiday season for myself and my family instead of trying to fulfill society’s expectations.

Can a person get out of going to these parties without causing a fuss or damaging a career?

Signed,

Don’t Make Me Party,
_____________________________________

Dear Don’t Make Me Party,

You know, if you hate office Christmas parties so much, maybe you should have married someone Jewish. Then the two of you could stay at home and make latkes while the rest of the office got their egg nog on. But you didn’t think of that, did you? No, you had to marry for “love” instead. You reap what you sow, baby! (That’s the New Testament, by the way.)

Personally, I don’t know anyone who enjoys her spouse’s holiday parties. Because unless you’re friends with the people there or have a mad crush on your spouse’s co-worker, it is just a work event. With wine. That you can’t drink with abandon because it’s a work event.

And yet in our society it’s expected that people who work together every day and have to get along in exchange for money and health insurance get together and be merry. Fortunately the expectation has been holding steady at “once a year” for a while now. Mostly. Some companies have summer barbecues and spring cruises and the September key parties. Count your blessings.

I’ll wait.

Every company has a different party culture and if your husband says that your attendance is important, do it. Wave the team flag, make small talk. You don’t want him to be the only one there without his trophy wife.

But have some ground rules. Commit to a time limit, ninety minutes perhaps, and have a safe word if he forgets to start saying good byes after that time. In my experience “you promised no more than ninety minutes in this hell hole and it’s already been eighty five and you haven’t even started good-nighting these geezers yet!” doesn’t work too well. For one, it takes a long time to say, so you’re wasting valuable time and also apparently other people can hear you when you speak. I don’t know what that’s about.

Despite this bad news of mandatory attendance, there is a glimmer of holiday hope. Because you can’t go to a party without a mani/pedi/new hair cut and a full body massage. Go ahead and schedule those appointments now. They’ll go a long way to putting you in a party mood.

Ho-ho-ho,

Marinka, TMH