Let’s Play House! You Be the Dumbass Husband!
As you all know, things here at Mouthy Housewives Headquarters usually run like a well-oiled machine. However, occasionally we’ll have what the Germans call a “Snafu.” (Or maybe it’s the Portuguese who say that, we were never big on languages.) Anyway, one of those snafus just happened in which we answered a question twice. Twice! But, where there’s confusion, there’s opportunity or something like that. So read Wendi’s answer here today, then click on over to BlogHerMoms and see how Tonya answered it. (Just don’t tell us which one you like better or we’ll have to set up the boxing ring again.)
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My children have a friend that we see quite regularly and I’ve noticed that on EVERY occasion their pretend play revolves around playing house type games. This would normally be fine, but the “couple,” whether it be a princess and a race car dating or a regular family with baby dolls, seem to be rather whiny and fussy towards one another. I feel that I might be hearing private conversations from this child’s house.
Am I being overly concerned about this area of imaginary play with the kids (ages 4-7) or should I just leave them alone? I feel that the neighbor child is rather young to be so wrapped up in boy/girl relationships. Or is that normal?
Signed,
Worried That Playing House is Becoming a Reality Show
_________________
Dear Worried That Playing House is Becoming a Reality Show,
First of all, let me warn you against Googling “girl wrapped up in boy/girl” like I just did. Holy mother of pearl, how do sex models even breathe with all of those leather restraints blocking their airways? They’re like porno Houdinis or something. I think I need to rest a moment here.
OK, I’m back. Now, let me just say upfront that I have two boys and they never really played “House.” Which is good because if they had, I’m sure our neighbors would have been treated to a lot of, “Why do you always park the car like you’re drunk, wife?” and “Maybe if you ever unloaded the dishwasher, I’d be a better driver, husband.” Because we all know it’s normal for kids to mimic what they hear at home and I’m pretty sure that’s what you’re hearing from this child.
Now, should you be concerned about it? Yes, if the little girl is saying things like, “I’ll sue your ass for alimony so fast your head will spin, jackass” to your kids or hitting them, but probably not if it’s more mundane domestic crap. Maybe she does have some disharmony at home and this is simply her way of working through it. If you know either of her parents very well, you can maybe say something benign to them like, “She sure loves to play house and fight with her pretend husband!” and see if that sets off any alarm bells. Sure it’s a little passive aggressive, but that way you’re not obviously sticking your nose in their business.
If it were me, I’d just let them continue playing what they want to play if everyone’s happy. Because chances are they’ll eventually get bored with playing “House” and move on to something new.
Like “Shacking Up.”
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
9 Comments <-- Click to comment
Lookin’ for Friends in All the Wrong Places
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband is in the military, and we live on base. He is gone a majority of the day, and sometimes I get bored. Usually I do chores and go on the internet or play video games. I am applying for jobs, but don’t have one yet.
So sometimes, I like to walk around my house and look outside and such. Sometimes, when I look outside, my neighbors happen to be out. I don’t, like, stare at them. But I do look for a second and then go back to what I was doing. I was kinda doing that today, but this time I believe they saw me looking. Now I’m worried that they believe I’m some creepy loser who just watches them from the window. I don’t mean to be creepy. I just get bored and get curious what people are doing. Do I just avoid them or tell them I just look outside sometimes?
Signed,
Peeping Penelope
___________________________________
Dear Peeping Penelope,
::sets down binoculars::
Listen, it’s perfectly normal for you to look out your damn window. All of us do it when we’re bored or daydreaming or worried that there’s a serial killer lurking in the bushes. In fact, when I go for walks around my neighborhood, I am compelled to look in everyone’s garage, should it happen to be open. I can inventory half my block’s lawn equipment. AND THAT’S OKAY.
What’s more worrisome is the fact that you seem trapped indoors. And that when you see these neighbors of yours, you hide behind the curtains rather than wave hello. As for approaching them with an explanation, you may come off like a lunatic if you try to rationalize your anti-social behavior. (Been there, done that, Penelope. Trust me.)
As a woman whose husband is in the military, I can attest to how difficult it can be to meet people on base, especially if you don’t have any children to use as social pawns at the playground. But as difficult as it is to put yourself out there, it’s absolutely essential for survival, Penelope. SO ::smack:: PULL ::smack:: YOURSELF ::smack:: TOGETHER!
A few ideas!
1. Ask your husband to invite some of his friends or co-workers (and their spouses) over for a dinner party. Talk about anything other than how much you like staring at people from the window.
2. Look up and contact your base’s Family Readiness coordinator. This is often a spouse that can put you in contact with social groups and gatherings in your community. (I’d steer clear of the Neighborhood Crime Watch.)
3. GO OUTSIDE. Looking wistfully out the window is a very clear sign that you want to be out, interacting with others. Go for a walk, read a book at the park, anything! (Just leave the binoculars at home.)
You’ll need some patience with the process and confidence in yourself, but you’re bound to make friends as long as you’re not holed up inside.
Good luck!
Kristine, TMH
11 Comments <-- Click to comment
My Neighbor Is A Real Piece of…
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My neighbor is a psycho who does not own a dog, yet obtained dog poop from one of the dogs on the block and put it all over my front doorstep. Her husband is a cop. Mine is as well (not in the same town). There has been bad blood for years, but this has crossed the line as my kids nearly walked through it and into the house. She watches my house constantly and waited until we left to plant the poop. No one else was home on our block. How can I get revenge?
Signed,
Scheming in the Suburbs
_____________________________________
Dear Scheming,
I’m going to try my best not to trigger you by saying the word “crap” in this post, but I can’t make any promises.
Because, seriously, holy crap!
But, you’re right: very nearly tracking poop into one’s house is certainly the final straw when it comes to many cases of harassment. You need not look further than an episode of CSI to see that. That said, I am curious about the sequence of events that culminated with this…well…crap. (I’m sorry. It’s going to be more difficult than I thought.)
First, I wonder if you were you ever friends with this neighbor. Have you exhausted all options as far as reasoning with this possibly emotionally unstable woman? (Perhaps after secretly sedating her by hacking into her water lines?) Additionally, and more importantly, it must be said that I am no fool (unless it involves financial investments, but that’s neither here nor there, so please stay focused). Certainly this woman was prompted by something to place poop at your front door. Feuds don’t pop out of thin air, and I wonder how much of your own behavior compounded these ill feelings you seem to have for one another. Because when we sift out the details, I’m guessing that neither one of you is all that innocent.
Of course, I certainly don’t think anyone deserves a pooped-upon doorstep. (And I’m not even sure I want to go near the fact that she doesn’t have a damn dog…is it possible that a loose dog miscalculated his proximity to your front yard?) I think you must take action to put an end to this stressing relationship. However, feudal law happens to have been outlawed for quite some time now, so revenge is probably not your best approach.
I think this leaves you a few options. If a civil discussion is out of the question, I would suggest setting up some surveillance around your home. Had you installed a video camera or something, you might have the proof you need to begin some sort of legal action against your neighbor. Of course, if this woman is unstable as you’re making her out to be, this could just make things worse. In that case, I think it’s best you move to another home altogether and rent your property out to the most obnoxious family possible. I’m thinking along the lines of Cousin Eddie from Christmas Vacation.
But if you choose to ignore this advice and go the revenge route anyway, be sure to do it right. In other words, does anyone in your neighborhood have a pet elephant?
Good luck!
Kristine, TMH
13 Comments <-- Click to comment
You Scream, I Scream, We All Scream for Sunscreen
Today we welcome back one of our fave Guest Mouthy Housewives, Tonya of AdHoc Mom! We totally love Tonya and keep begging her to become one of our Sister Wives. Please, Tonya, please! Tease up that pompadour and join us in celestial marriage, baby! We’ll let you use the good vacuum!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve noticed that my neighbor never puts sunscreen on her young children. I asked her about it once at the pool and she said something like, “Their father’s Mexican, they don’t need it.” I think this is almost child abuse as I’ve seen both of the kids get red burns on their faces and necks. Should I try to put some on them when she’s not looking or am I just overreacting?
Signed,
SPF Pissed Off
___________________________
Dear SPF Pissed Off,
First off, what is this sun business you speak of? As a person with almost translucent skin (and a hefty cable bill), I don’t venture outside too often. (I’ve put in my application to become a vampire, but so far the Living Dead Society has yet to get back to me. I think they read somewhere I was vegetarian?) That being said, I do slather my own child in pounds of sunscreen and I’m pretty sure he goes from weighing a mere 35 to a nice hefty 50 once I’m done with him. Therefore, I fully understand your frustration at witnessing a friend fail to protect her own children. It’s akin to watching a pregnant woman smoke, with a bit of seriously questionable racial profiling thrown in.
However, while I don’t believe you are overreacting as extremely severe sunburns are certainly considered a form of child abuse, in order to keep neighborly relations on a congenial level, I wouldn’t recommend putting sunscreen on her children while she isn’t looking. This could quickly backfire into a situation whereby she will never trust you again, and may later instruct her progeny to wrap your house in toilet paper or leave smoking bags of dog feces on your front doorstep. Neither, as my teenage self can attest to, are very pleasant
So to keep your friendship and the neighbor relationship moving forward, I suggest trying to get her children involved in the process of putting on the sunscreen themselves. Perhaps you could use some different colors of sunscreen on your own kids while you are all out together and encourage her children to join in the fun of making their bodies into living art projects. (This is a tactic I have used successfully on my husband)
The most important thing to remember if you witness this behavior again is that she is their mother and she really does love them. Even if she’s an SPF 500 level idiot.
Good Luck,
Tonya Vernooy, Guest TMH
Have a problem/question/dilemma that you’d like one of The Mouthy Housewives to answer? Email it over to us at ask@themouthyhousewives.com or click here and we’ll get right on it!
19 Comments <-- Click to comment
She Stole My Sweater
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I ordered a SUPER cute cashmere cardigan from the Gap Online because I had a giftcard. With all the after the holidays sales, it was the last one. Tracking info says it was delivered 5 days ago. Huh? Didn’t get it. Contacted local post office. Guess what, carrier remembers delivering it to the neighbor by mistake. Sounds like problem solved, right? Wrong. Neighbor denies receiving sweater. You would now be thinking, sound like a mistake somewhere, right? That is what was thinking until I saw said bitch, I mean neighbor lady… leaving her house in my new cashmere cardigan. No history with this bitch, other than a little judgment on my part for her McCain signs. I don’t know her at all.
Signed,
Cardiganless
______________________________________
Dear Cardiganless,
If there is one thing I’ve learned from watching Law & Order it’s that Chris Noth is not aging well. And also, that sometimes things aren’t what they seem. So although you’re sure that this neighbor is now wearing your cardigan, I implore you not to take matters into your own Charles Bronson hands and confront her. Nor should you sulk around her front door waiting to intercept her packages in retaliation.
Contact Gap Online instead. Tell them what the mail carrier told you and what the neighbor reported. Ask them for guidance and wisdom and solace. Of course they won’t be able to replace the cardigan if it was really the last one, but they may be able to credit your account.
As for your neighbor, you’ll know what to do when she comes knocking for a cup of sugar. Keep that salt shaker handy.
Sorry for your loss,
Marinka, TMH
_________________
Disclosure: This post contains Amazon Affiliate links.
RSS Feed
