The Party Pooper
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
One of my girlfriends is constantly having “house parties.” You know the ones—you go to someone’s house and they proposition you to buy stuff that you don’t need and really don’t want for exorbitant prices?
Well, at first it was kind of fun because we all have kids the same age and it was nice to get out and do girl stuff, but now it is just annoying. I’m not talking a party or two each year—she has a party at least every month. I don’t want to buy that stuff and, quite frankly, can’t afford it with our one income family. I’ve told her such, but she is just so pushy! I’m on the verge of filing for witness protection and getting the heck out of Dodge. How can I get out of these invites without completely ruining our friendship?
Signed,
Too Much Tupperware
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Dear Too Much Tupperware,
Ah, the neighborhood sales party. It’s a scourge that’s been around since pretty much forever. I think even Cavewoman Joan knew that if she invited Cavewoman Peggy over to her split-level, um, cave and plied her with cheap white wine, she’d earn a 10% commission on whatever stone cookware she talked her friend into ordering. Unfortunately, the only way Cavewoman Peggy could escape was by yelling, “My ride’s here!” when her husband came to give her a drag home, but luckily, you have a few more options.
Option #1: Buy, Buy, Buy!
No matter what kind of crap your friend is pushing, just whip out your pen and fill out that order form. Soon your house will be filled with scented candles, one-of-a-kind dinner plates, stacks of eyeshadow and really trashy lingerie. (Which, sidenote, will make your house a lot like Cher’s.) Simply do this for a few months and in no time at all, you’ll have an iron clad excuse for missing her next party: bankruptcy!
Option #2: Sell, Sell, Sell!
That’s right, I said “sell.” After all, where would McDonald’s be without Burger King nipping at its greasy heels? What your friend needs is a competitor, so it’s high time you went into the home party bidness, too. If she’s selling jewelry on Tuesday, then you sell SHINIER jewelry on Monday. If she sells ugly figurines at 7 p.m., then you sell even UGLIER figurines at 6 p.m. If she sells big, purple “personal massagers” next week, then you sell even bigger…well, you get the idea. Make it so hard for her to throw parties that she just stops altogether!
Option #3: Make yourself unwelcome
Not hard to do, but best when done with a subtle touch. The next time you’re at her home with a group of women, simply put one or all of these lines into your repertoire: “Oh, my God, you still have that couch?” or “Wow–whoever cleaned up your kitchen after that meth explosion sure did a fabulous job!” or “Hey, everyone—I think congratulations are in order because for the first time in three years, I didn’t see any herpes cream in the medicine cabinet! Our hostess is finally STD free!”
(That last one has kept me off invite lists since 1988.)
Of course, you could just try the direct route again and say, “I”ll be your friend, but not your customer, so please don’t invite me to any more parties.” Hopefully it’ll be the last order you ever have to give her.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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How To Handle The Neighborhood Hottie
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
A neighbor of mine had plastic surgery over the winter and got a tummy tuck, lipo and a boob job. She looks fantastic, but now she wants everyone to know it. For the past few weeks, she’s been strutting around our neighborhood pool in a teeny bikini that’s not at all appropriate for her age. Now all of the other women here–her supposed friends–are making catty remarks about her and gossiping behind her back. Do I tell her to cover-up or do I just let her enjoy her moment in the sun?
Signed,
Pals with Plastic Patty
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Dear Pals with Plastic Patty,
If you live in a suburban neighborhood long enough, you’re bound to know a woman like this who undergoes what is commonly known as “a mommy makeover.” In fact, around my area they’re so popular that the city had to install a new stoplight in front of the plastic surgeon’s office. (Because Liposuction + Vicodin + SUV = Watch the f*# out!)
For example, last year a divorced neighbor of mine suddenly went from brown haired lumpy troll to skinny blonde hottie in Juicy short-shorts. It was like “The Ugly Duckling” story, only with Restylane injections and chemical peels. Anyway, what do you suppose her friends said to her after her big transformation? Was it “Congratulations on your new look”? “Now your outer beauty matches your inner beauty”? “I wish I looked just like you”?
Nope. They called her “T*ts LaRue” and got angry at their husbands for checking her out at Back to School night. Word has it that the nasty way they treated her made her feel totally devastated. (Well, at least until she started dating her daughter’s 30-year-old swim coach. That seemed to improve her mood quite a bit.)
But let’s assume that like Miss LaRue, the reason your friend had the surgery was to feel better about herself. And let’s also assume that her self-esteem is now quite a bit higher than it was before. Is that really something you want to take away from her? Chances are she’s no dummy and she already knows that people are saying snarky things behind her back, so your chiming in is just going to make it worse. If she’s not hurting anyone or causing any trouble or stealing anyone’s husband, just be quiet and let her strut her new hot body around the pool.
After the small fortune she paid for it, it’s the least you can do.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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Help Me with My Nasty Neighbor
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
We moved a few weeks ago to a spectacular rental, but we share the yard with a kook. I’m not raising a bubble boy, but I do want to put a safety lock on the gate we share, connecting the backyard to the busy street in front. I shopped around for something that would fit this weird latch, and settled on a short alpha-combo lock. Our neighbor seemed amenable to it, but freaked out once it was installed, and insisted we remove it. Apparently, it is “too much” for her to use.
She threw such a hissy fit that I baked her soothing cookies later that day, which she refused. How do I resolve the situation, and keep my kid from being run over by his beloved garbage truck?
Signed,
I’ve Eaten All the Cookies and Still Have No Lock
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Dear I’ve Eaten All the Cookies,
I remember this one time I refused cookies back in 1978. Oh wait – that was totally a dream. I have never refused cookies. Nor has any other sane person. Which makes your neighbor a bit crazy, so trying to find a resolution could be problematic. At least now you know why you were able to afford the spectacular rental.
I would first talk to your landlord and see if he or she can help you resolve this situation. I’m guessing your landlord is more than familiar with the cookie hater and might be able to act as a middle man. If your landlord is suddenly on vacation until further notice, then it’s time to move to plan B.
Since you are only trying to prevent your son from exiting the yard, why not just purchase a childproof lock instead of a combo lock? I still don’t know my home number by heart, so maybe this lady isn’t good at remembering combinations and she doesn’t want to have trouble getting in and out of her yard.
Before you install the childproof lock, however, take a deep breath, put a big smile on your face and head over to her house. (Just don’t take any Samoa loving Girl Scouts with you.) Show her the new lock and just explain that you are worried about your son running into traffic and you’d like to install this EASY TO USE lock. Hopefully, she’ll give you the OK. If she is still against it, maybe she has ideas for a solution you both can agree on.
If she continues to fight you at every turn, you’re going to have to get some kind of mediator involved because it sounds like your child’s safety is at stake. And by the way, you can send me cookies anytime and I’ll never hang out in your yard.
Good luck to you,
Kelcey, TMH
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Holy Moly, Stop Inviting Me to Church
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
What’s the best way to discourage my bible-thumping neighbors from constantly inviting me to their church without being offensive?
Signed,
Not Feelin’ The Spirit
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Dear Not Feelin’ The Spirit,
Boy, if there’s one subject I’m thrilled to bring up with a bunch of feisty housewives, it’s religion. Closely followed by politics, breastfeeding, and whether or not Ryan Seacrest should finally come out of the closet this year. Because whatever I say, I’m probably going to offend someone.
So, what are we waiting for?!
Now, as a resident of the great state of Texas, I have certainly experienced what you refer to as “bible-thumping neighbors.” Unlike most churchgoers, these are the very excitable people who just can’t stop themselves from trying to get others to join in their beliefs. They’ll relentlessly invite you to bible study, to bible book clubs, to bible pot lucks, and sometimes they’ll even try to sell you giant crucifix necklaces made out of pink and yellow rhinestones. (Again, I live in Texas.)
But while this is certainly annoying, please remember that the reason they’re inviting you is because they like you and they want you to experience what to them is a wonderful thing. (Either that or they think you’re going straight to hell and your only chance of redemption is spending the rest of your days making scrapbooks for Jesus.) (In which case, welcome to the club. May I borrow your scissors?)
You’ve politely refused their invitations and they still won’t listen, so it’s time to get more assertive. Sternly tell them that while you understand their desire to proselytize, you’re not interested and they need to respect that. They may pout, but it’ll probably do the trick.
If it doesn’t, then simply shave your head, put on an orange robe, and ask them to play the tambourine while you chant and hand out flowers at the airport.
That’s how I got out of summer bible camp.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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Between ‘Boo’ and Me, I Hate Halloween
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Just between “boo” and me, I hate this time of year. I’m surrounded by mothers who actually sew their kids’ Halloween costumes every year. My kids wouldn’t recognize a sewing machine if it fell out of the sky and cracked ‘em in the head. When I grew up, a plastic Darth Vader mask and cape from Target was what everyone wore. It used to not bother me, but the neighbors keep upping the ante. They hosted a Haunted House in their yard last year that made my scarecrow and bird display look like it came from the Dollar Store. I hate to be a party pooper, but I’m ready to just turn out the lights and keep the candy to myself.
Signed,
Halloween Hater
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Dear Halloween Hater,
When I grew up Target barely had any stores, so obviously I’m dressing up as an old granny this year, no costume required. I have the opposite childhood experience: my mother did sew our costumes every year. Of course, I think she did it because we were too poor to buy store costumes, and not because my mom had a large ego she had to express through her children.
Now I’m grown up and, as a recovered over-achieving mom, I’ve both bought and made costumes. I have one son who always chooses wacky costumes, I’m sure just to cause me anxiety attacks. No store carries his kind of costumes, such as a naked sole. My other son, though, dresses up as a Star Wars character almost every year and I can zip right into Target to buy his.
I admit I enjoy the ease of purchasing a costume since it leaves more time to plan special Halloween-themed cocktails. Yet I enjoy the challenge of making the wacky costumes, too. I can’t speak for your neighbors, but my intent was never to one-up anyone by hand-making a costume. My purpose was very self-centered – to have fun with my kid.
Don’t boo-hoo over Halloween because of your neighbors. Remember: their over-achieving tendencies have nothing to do with you. In fact, they are probably a bit self-absorbed like me and aren’t even thinking about you.
Enjoy the fruits of their labor by having fun at their haunted house. This is a win-win situation for you because #1 you didn’t have to do the work and #2 it frees up your time to think of crappy treats to hand out to those teenagers who are way too old to be trick-or-treating. (Personally, I plan to hand them cute Halloween treat bags filled with cat litter.)
Years down the road, your children won’t remember their outdoor decorations. What they will remember is the fun, so forget about the Joneses and do whatever it is that makes Halloween fun for you.
Happy hauntings,
Heather, TMH
