Holy Moly, Stop Inviting Me to Church
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
What’s the best way to discourage my bible-thumping neighbors from constantly inviting me to their church without being offensive?
Signed,
Not Feelin’ The Spirit
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Dear Not Feelin’ The Spirit,
Boy, if there’s one subject I’m thrilled to bring up with a bunch of feisty housewives, it’s religion. Closely followed by politics, breastfeeding, and whether or not Ryan Seacrest should finally come out of the closet this year. Because whatever I say, I’m probably going to offend someone.
So, what are we waiting for?!
Now, as a resident of the great state of Texas, I have certainly experienced what you refer to as “bible-thumping neighbors.” Unlike most churchgoers, these are the very excitable people who just can’t stop themselves from trying to get others to join in their beliefs. They’ll relentlessly invite you to bible study, to bible book clubs, to bible pot lucks, and sometimes they’ll even try to sell you giant crucifix necklaces made out of pink and yellow rhinestones. (Again, I live in Texas.)
But while this is certainly annoying, please remember that the reason they’re inviting you is because they like you and they want you to experience what to them is a wonderful thing. (Either that or they think you’re going straight to hell and your only chance of redemption is spending the rest of your days making scrapbooks for Jesus.) (In which case, welcome to the club. May I borrow your scissors?)
You’ve politely refused their invitations and they still won’t listen, so it’s time to get more assertive. Sternly tell them that while you understand their desire to proselytize, you’re not interested and they need to respect that. They may pout, but it’ll probably do the trick.
If it doesn’t, then simply shave your head, put on an orange robe, and ask them to play the tambourine while you chant and hand out flowers at the airport.
That’s how I got out of summer bible camp.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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Between ‘Boo’ and Me, I Hate Halloween
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
Just between “boo” and me, I hate this time of year. I’m surrounded by mothers who actually sew their kids’ Halloween costumes every year. My kids wouldn’t recognize a sewing machine if it fell out of the sky and cracked ‘em in the head. When I grew up, a plastic Darth Vader mask and cape from Target was what everyone wore. It used to not bother me, but the neighbors keep upping the ante. They hosted a Haunted House in their yard last year that made my scarecrow and bird display look like it came from the Dollar Store. I hate to be a party pooper, but I’m ready to just turn out the lights and keep the candy to myself.
Signed,
Halloween Hater
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Dear Halloween Hater,
When I grew up Target barely had any stores, so obviously I’m dressing up as an old granny this year, no costume required. I have the opposite childhood experience: my mother did sew our costumes every year. Of course, I think she did it because we were too poor to buy store costumes, and not because my mom had a large ego she had to express through her children.
Now I’m grown up and, as a recovered over-achieving mom, I’ve both bought and made costumes. I have one son who always chooses wacky costumes, I’m sure just to cause me anxiety attacks. No store carries his kind of costumes, such as a naked sole. My other son, though, dresses up as a Star Wars character almost every year and I can zip right into Target to buy his.
I admit I enjoy the ease of purchasing a costume since it leaves more time to plan special Halloween-themed cocktails. Yet I enjoy the challenge of making the wacky costumes, too. I can’t speak for your neighbors, but my intent was never to one-up anyone by hand-making a costume. My purpose was very self-centered – to have fun with my kid.
Don’t boo-hoo over Halloween because of your neighbors. Remember: their over-achieving tendencies have nothing to do with you. In fact, they are probably a bit self-absorbed like me and aren’t even thinking about you.
Enjoy the fruits of their labor by having fun at their haunted house. This is a win-win situation for you because #1 you didn’t have to do the work and #2 it frees up your time to think of crappy treats to hand out to those teenagers who are way too old to be trick-or-treating. (Personally, I plan to hand them cute Halloween treat bags filled with cat litter.)
Years down the road, your children won’t remember their outdoor decorations. What they will remember is the fun, so forget about the Joneses and do whatever it is that makes Halloween fun for you.
Happy hauntings,
Heather, TMH
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Impromptu Play Dates Are Not My Thing
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am a stay at home mom with three kids. My next door neighbor’s kid keeps dropping by to see if my kids want to play. It wouldn’t be so bad if it were once a week or so, but it’s nearly every single day. Sometimes I pull into the driveway and I haven’t even turned off the car yet and the kid is standing outside my car door. I think she is just bored. But just because I have three kids does not mean I am running Romper Room over here. We have homework to do and I have dinner to cook. I like predictability and I like my schedule. Impromptu play dates are not my thing. I don’t want to be rude and I kind of feel sorry for her but how do I put an end to her daily requests to play?
Signed,
Annoyed
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Dear Annoyed,
I don’t blame you. If this were happening to me I would be annoyed too, unless it meant I could say, “Sure you all can play…over at your house!” Then I would have time to kick up my heels and pursue the oldest and noblest of housewife traditions: sitting on the couch and eating bonbons.
(I like to update that noble tradition so that bonbons = wine.)
(Okay, in reality, I’d probably pick up the house and admire its neatness for the brief five minutes it would last, knowing it will all come to an end the second my kids step back through the door.)
Do you think you could get the neighbor to feed your kids the after-school snack while they are over there? In this economy, you have to look for creative ways to save. Maybe that’s why your neighbor continues to send her child over to play at your house: so you’ll feed her. Oh, we’re onto her now. Start giving the child things like tofu spinach wraps for a snack. If that doesn’t keep her from coming over then the child must be an alien, and in that case, give her whatever she wants to avoid midnight anal probes.
Yours anally intact,
Heather, TMH
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Dog Poop: The Worst Present Ever
Dear TMH,
My husband and I recently bought our first house. The neighborhood is great except for one thing: one of our neighbors lets their dog wander the neighborhood to do its “business.” I wouldn’t mind a wandering dog if it kept its “business” at home, but we’re constantly finding little presents on our grass! Why should I clean up after their dog? Short of scooping up the poop and dumping it on their lawn, how can we ask them to monitor their pooch more closely?
Signed,
Seeing Brown
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Dear Seeing Brown,
I’m assuming that when you refer to finding the dog’s “business” on your lawn, you don’t mean his leather briefcase filled with legal documents, fountain pens and a few bags of kibble in case Rover gets hungry after his afternoon conference call. No, you’re probably talking about that gooey hazard currently wreaking havoc in neighborhoods like yours around the world: Free Range Turds.
My first inclination is to advise you to simply grab a brown paper bag and a lighter, then go execute the classic “Flaming Bag of Crap On Doorstep” maneuver. Not only is this one of my favorite ways to let someone know they’re a major league jackass, it’s also really good for the environment. (Or at least that’s what I think I heard Matt Damon tell Oprah one time when I was tipsy and binging on pita chips, and watching her special on global warming. Not sure.)
Anyway, if you’d rather not go that route, and you can’t afford to set up a Porta-Potty on his front lawn so he knows what it’s like to have your grass turned into an al fresco bathroom, there are a couple of more “legal” things you can try.
First, nicely ask your neighbor if he would please stop letting his pet leave unwanted presents in your yard. If he doesn’t agree, and chances are he won’t considering he thinks it’s okay to let his dog run around loose, then contact your Home Owner’s Association if you have one, or your local Animal Control if you don’t. Either group should be able to tell you your rights and the appropriate action to take.
And if that doesn’t work, just turn on your sprinklers the next time you see Rover and maybe he’ll get the message. After all, sometimes the dog is the smartest one in the family. Good luck!
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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The Rude Boy Next Door
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My neighbor’s 13 year old son is a rude little shit. Especially to his mother and especially in public. Would it be socially unacceptable of me to pull him aside and tell him that the other adults do not think his antics are funny, or charming, or impressive? I could toss in a threat or two. Something about that new peeps of his falling off if he doesn’t cut that shit out. What are your thoughts?
Thanks,
Trouble Next Door
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Dear Trouble Next Door,
Oh good grief. I really feel for you. No one wants to live next to a jerk. Especially a barely pubescent jerk.
Maybe you need to find that obnoxious kid a lovely, pretty girlfriend which could significantly improve his happiness and potentially turn him into a sweeter, kinder soul. But, of course, there is no guarantee that this will actually work and you may not be quite ready to start up your own eHarmony for Teens. Although obviously, it could be a real internet money maker. In which case, I want in on it. Since it was my idea.
You could, of course, have a talk with his mother. But do you really want to bother the poor woman who already has to live with that kid and his attitude every day of her life? I didn’t think so.
Just casually take him aside (as you suggested) and explain to him that you know he’s a great kid (minor white lie) but you are a bit offended by some of his antics. When he acts out, give it to him straight. Tell him, “That’s quite rude, you know.” Chances are he is playing to an audience and he may need to hear a negative review.
Don’t come off too strong or he’ll just stomp away in a rage. This boy is obviously dealing with some issues and just let him know that if he ever needs someone to talk to, you are around. Then resist the urge to go on a year long sabbatical to India.
I strongly advise not threatening him or mentioning his “peeps.” First of all you don’t want to be know as the weird witchy lady who casts evil spells on obnoxious teens in the neighborhood. And secondly, you don’t want to sink to his level. Instead, you should act as a role model. So this “rude little shit” can grow up to be a polite young man. Oh come on! It could happen.
Love,
Kelcey, TMH
