Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My children have a friend that we see quite regularly and I’ve noticed that on EVERY occasion their pretend play revolves around playing house type games. This would normally be fine, but the “couple,” whether it be a princess and a race car dating or a regular family with baby dolls, seem to be rather whiny and fussy towards one another. I feel that I might be hearing private conversations from this child’s house.

Am I being overly concerned about this area of imaginary play with the kids (ages 4-7) or should I just leave them alone? I feel that the neighbor child is rather young to be so wrapped up in boy/girl relationships. Or is that normal?

Signed,

Worried That Playing House is Becoming a Reality Show

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Dear Worried That Playing House is Becoming a Reality Show,

First of all, let me warn you against Googling “girl wrapped up in boy/girl” like I just did. Holy mother of pearl, how do sex models even breathe with all of those leather restraints blocking their airways? They’re like porno Houdinis or something. I think I need to rest a moment here.

OK, I’m back. Now, let me just say upfront that I have two boys and they never really played “House.” Which is good because if they had, I’m sure our neighbors would have been treated to a lot of, “Why do you always park the car like you’re drunk, wife?” and “Maybe if you ever unloaded the dishwasher, I’d be a better driver, husband.” Because we all know it’s normal for kids to mimic what they hear at home and I’m pretty sure that’s what you’re hearing from this child.

Now, should you be concerned about it? Yes, if the little girl is saying things like, “I’ll sue your ass for alimony so fast your head will spin, jackass” to your kids or hitting them, but probably not if it’s more mundane domestic crap. Maybe she does have some disharmony at home and this is simply her way of working through it. If you know either of her parents very well, you can maybe say something benign to them like, “She sure loves to play house and fight with her pretend husband!” and see if that sets off any alarm bells. Sure it’s a little passive aggressive, but that way you’re not obviously sticking your nose in their business.

If it were me, I’d just let them continue playing what they want to play if everyone’s happy. Because chances are they’ll eventually get bored with playing “House” and move on to something new.

Like “Shacking Up.”

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

My husband is in the military, and we live on base. He is gone a majority of the day, and sometimes I get bored.  Usually I do chores and go on the internet or play video games. I am applying for jobs, but don’t have one yet.

So sometimes, I like to walk around my house and look outside and such. Sometimes, when I look outside, my neighbors happen to be out. I don’t, like, stare at them. But I do look for a second and then go back to what I was doing. I was kinda doing that today, but this time I believe they saw me looking. Now I’m worried that they believe I’m some creepy loser who just watches them from the window. I don’t mean to be creepy. I just get bored and get curious what people are doing. Do I just avoid them or tell them I just look outside sometimes?

Signed,

Peeping Penelope

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Dear Peeping Penelope,

::sets down binoculars::

Listen, it’s perfectly normal for you to look out your damn window. All of us do it when we’re bored or daydreaming or worried that there’s a serial killer lurking in the bushes. In fact, when I go for walks around my neighborhood, I am compelled to look in everyone’s garage, should it happen to be open. I can inventory half my block’s lawn equipment. AND THAT’S OKAY.

What’s more worrisome is the fact that you seem trapped indoors. And that when you see these neighbors of yours, you hide behind the curtains rather than wave hello. As for approaching them with an explanation, you may come off like a lunatic if you try to rationalize your anti-social behavior. (Been there, done that, Penelope. Trust me.)

As a woman whose husband is in the military, I can attest to how difficult it can be to meet people on base, especially if you don’t have any children to use as social pawns at the playground. But as difficult as it is to put yourself out there, it’s absolutely essential for survival, Penelope. SO ::smack:: PULL ::smack:: YOURSELF ::smack:: TOGETHER!

A few ideas!

1. Ask your husband to invite some of his friends or co-workers (and their spouses) over for a dinner party. Talk about anything other than how much you like staring at people from the window.

2. Look up and contact your base’s Family Readiness coordinator. This is often a spouse that can put you in contact with social groups and gatherings in your community. (I’d steer clear of the Neighborhood Crime Watch.)

3. GO OUTSIDE. Looking wistfully out the window is a very clear sign that you want to be out, interacting with others. Go for a walk, read a book at the park, anything! (Just leave the binoculars at home.)

You’ll need some patience with the process and confidence in yourself, but you’re bound to make friends as long as you’re not holed up inside.

Good luck!

Kristine, TMH

My neighbor is a psycho who does not own a dog, yet obtained dog poop from one of the dogs on the block and put it all over my front doorstep. Her husband is a cop. Mine is as well (not in the same town). There has been bad blood for years, but this has crossed the line as my kids nearly walked through it and into the house. She watches my house constantly and waited until we left to plant the poop. No one else was home on our block. How can I get revenge?

Signed,

Scheming in the Suburbs

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Dear Scheming,

I’m going to try my best not to trigger you by saying the word “crap” in this post, but I can’t make any promises.

Because, seriously, holy crap!

But, you’re right: very nearly tracking poop into one’s house is certainly the final straw when it comes to many cases of harassment. You need not look further than an episode of CSI to see that. That said, I am curious about  the sequence of events that culminated with this…well…crap. (I’m sorry. It’s going to be more difficult than I thought.)

First, I wonder if you were you ever friends with this neighbor. Have you exhausted all options as far as reasoning with this possibly emotionally unstable woman? (Perhaps after secretly sedating her by hacking into her water lines?) Additionally, and more importantly, it must be said that I am no fool (unless it involves financial investments, but that’s neither here nor there, so please stay focused). Certainly this woman was prompted by something to place poop at your front door. Feuds don’t pop out of thin air, and I wonder how much of your own behavior compounded these ill feelings you seem to have for one another. Because when we sift out the details, I’m guessing that neither one of you is all that innocent.

Of course, I certainly don’t think anyone deserves a pooped-upon doorstep. (And I’m not even sure I want to go near the fact that she doesn’t have a damn dog…is it possible that a loose dog miscalculated his proximity to your front yard?) I think you must take action to put an end to this stressing relationship. However, feudal law happens to have been outlawed for quite some time now, so revenge is probably not your best approach.

I think this leaves you a few options. If a civil discussion is out of the question, I would suggest setting up some surveillance around your home. Had you installed a video camera or something, you might have the proof you need to begin some sort of legal action against your neighbor. Of course, if this woman is unstable as you’re making her out to be, this could just make things worse. In that case, I think it’s best you move to another home altogether and rent your property out to the most obnoxious family possible. I’m thinking along the lines of Cousin Eddie from Christmas Vacation.

But if you choose to ignore this advice and go the revenge route anyway, be sure to do it right. In other words, does anyone in your neighborhood have a pet elephant?

Good luck!

Kristine, TMH

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’ve noticed that my neighbor never puts sunscreen on her young children. I asked her about it once at the pool and she said something like, “Their father’s Mexican, they don’t need it.” I think this is almost child abuse as I’ve seen both of the kids get red burns on their faces and necks. Should I try to put some on them when she’s not looking or am I just overreacting?

Signed,

SPF Pissed Off

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Dear SPF Pissed Off,

First off, what is this sun business you speak of? As a person with almost translucent skin (and a hefty cable bill), I don’t venture outside too often. (I’ve put in my application to become a vampire, but so far the Living Dead Society has yet to get back to me. I think they read somewhere I was vegetarian?) That being said, I do slather my own child in pounds of sunscreen and I’m pretty sure he goes from weighing a mere 35 to a nice hefty 50 once I’m done with him. Therefore, I fully understand your frustration at witnessing a friend fail to protect her own children. It’s akin to watching a pregnant woman smoke, with a bit of seriously questionable racial profiling thrown in.

However, while I don’t believe you are overreacting as extremely severe sunburns are certainly considered a form of child abuse, in order to keep neighborly relations on a congenial level, I wouldn’t recommend putting sunscreen on her children while she isn’t looking. This could quickly backfire into a situation whereby she will never trust you again, and may later instruct her progeny to wrap your house in toilet paper or leave smoking bags of dog feces on your front doorstep. Neither, as my teenage self can attest to, are very pleasant

So to keep your friendship and the neighbor relationship moving forward, I suggest trying to get her children involved in the process of putting on the sunscreen themselves. Perhaps you could use some different colors of sunscreen on your own kids while you are all out together and encourage her children to join in the fun of making their bodies into living art projects. (This is a tactic I have used successfully on my husband)

The most important thing to remember if you witness this behavior again is that she is their mother and she really does love them. Even if she’s an SPF 500 level idiot.

Good Luck,

Tonya Vernooy, Guest TMH

Have a problem/question/dilemma that you’d like one of The Mouthy Housewives to answer?  Email it over to us at ask@themouthyhousewives.com or click here and we’ll get right on it!

I ordered a SUPER cute cashmere cardigan from the Gap Online because I had a giftcard. With all the after the holidays sales, it was the last one. Tracking info says it was delivered 5 days ago. Huh? Didn’t get it. Contacted local post office. Guess what, carrier remembers delivering it to the neighbor by mistake. Sounds like problem solved, right? Wrong. Neighbor denies receiving sweater. You would now be thinking, sound like a mistake somewhere, right? That is what was thinking until I saw said bitch, I mean neighbor lady… leaving her house in my new cashmere cardigan. No history with this bitch, other than a little judgment on my part for her McCain signs. I don’t know her at all.

Signed,

Cardiganless
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Dear Cardiganless,

If there is one thing I’ve learned from watching Law & Order it’s that Chris Noth is not aging well. And also, that sometimes things aren’t what they seem. So although you’re sure that this neighbor is now wearing your cardigan, I implore you not to take matters into your own Charles Bronson hands and confront her. Nor should you sulk around her front door waiting to intercept her packages in retaliation.

Contact Gap Online instead. Tell them what the mail carrier told you and what the neighbor reported. Ask them for guidance and wisdom and solace. Of course they won’t be able to replace the cardigan if it was really the last one, but they may be able to credit your account.

As for your neighbor, you’ll know what to do when she comes knocking for a cup of sugar. Keep that salt shaker handy.

Sorry for your loss,

Marinka, TMH

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Disclosure: This post contains Amazon Affiliate links.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

We moved into our house a few months ago and didn’t have window treatments right away. I realized this only after I took a shower one night and my husband told me he could see me from outside. Unfortunately, I think (but I’m not sure) our across the street neighbor also saw me taking a shower a few times because he always acts really embarrassed and awkward around me. Should I bring it up or just live with this weirdness between us?

Signed,

Nudie Neighbor

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Dear Nudie,

I, too, tend to confront awkward situations head on; however in this case, I encourage you to resist the urge. (And by encourage, I mean beg.) You see, for some people, talking actually makes an uncomfortable situation worse. (And by some people, I mean men.)  And if he’s already acting like a nervous teenager, a conversation will only fuel that fire.

But protecting Mr. Man from an awkward exchange is not my only concern. Words are powerful. Mentioning the faux pas could easily transform it into an inside joke. And in my opinion, intimate exchanges belong nowhere near neighbors.

In the meantime though, enjoy the mystery of not knowing whether he saw. (Or if he did—what he thought.) We married folk don’t often get the chance to feel the thrill of the unknown. I say, assume he not only witnessed your show (I mean shower) but he deeply appreciated the opportunity. Then take that titillating notion into your nuptial nirvana where it will serve you (and yours) well.

But back on planet earth—home of block parties and barbecues—behave like the little lady you are. Your hood and hubby will thank you. All you have to do is stand tall. Be proud. And remember, except for these damned clothes, we’re all just a bunch of bare-assed barbarians anyway. There’s really nothing gained in acknowledging it.

Sincerely,

Rebecca, Guest TMH

We were invited over to meet our new neighbors for a housewarming, and brought a bottle of wine. Neighbor lady makes a face, tells us she doesn’t like wine, and sets it aside. Her husband forced it back into our hands as we left.

What’s the proper Mouthy Housewives response?

Signed,

We’ll Drink It

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Dear We’ll Drink It,

Judging from their reaction, are you sure you didn’t also give your neighbor lady a new diaphragm? Or some K-Y Jelly? Or the Waterproof Jack Rabbit vibrator? (I know. Waterproof vibrators. The advancements in technology are amazing.)  Or some kind of other inappropriate gift?

Or possibly the wine had one of those clever, funny names like, “My Neighbors Can Suck It” or “Don’t Even Think of Painting That Fence Because It’s On My Property.”  That might explain such a strong reaction to a bottle of vino.

Or maybe they don’t drink. Even so, wine is the universal gift. They could have brought that bottle to their next dinner party and passed it on, spreading good wine karma throughout the world. Instead, they rudely shoved it back in your hands.

Clearly, these new neighbors are not going to be regulars at your weekly neighborhood Bunco & Sangria night so I would just let this go. Be cordial to them in person and suppress the desire to cover their car with decals from your local wine shop in the dead of night.  And be very grateful you didn’t have to waste a bottle of your favorite Two Buck Chuck on those bizarre people.

Cheers!

Kelcey, TMH

I joined my neighbor this year in a carpool to save on gas and sanity. We take turns picking the kids up from school. In my head it was a brilliant idea. However, her kid sucks. Big time! I pulled over the car today and said, “I can’t operate this vehicle with that kind of behavior.” He obeyed the rules of my car, but my children said that when they drive in his family’s car, he continues with the bad behavior—even calling my daughter STUPID and my son FAT and my children LAME.

OMG, isn’t that mental abuse and why isn’t my neighbor (who plans on living across from me forever) saying anything to her son? I can not stand that my children are forced to be around such a negative situation three times a week. I need to approach her. What do I say?

Signed,

Drowning in the Carpool

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Dear Drowning in the Carpool,

First of all, I commend you for starting a rideshare program. Not only is it better for our environment, but it also greatly reduces the number of sleep-deprived, crabby women zooming around town at 7 a.m. wearing nothing but $10 Merona pajamas and dried-on pimple cream. And that, my friends, is a surefire way to Keep America Beautiful. (The other being putting a bag over Dog the Bounty Hunter’s head, but that’s a story for another day.)

Now, I understand your hesitance in not wanting to confront your Neighbor for Life. However, I’m sure you’d agree that it’s far more important to protect your kids from the Carpool Toadie than risk hurting this woman’s feelings. That’s why I strongly advise you to diplomatically, yet assertively, tell her she needs to muzzle her kid because he’s upsetting your babies. If it helps, say something a little over the top like, “Last week after your son called my son “fat,” he came home crying and spent the rest of the afternoon shame eating Oreos in his closet. And then my daughter asked if she could hitchhike a ride to school in an 18-wheeler instead of being held ‘emotional hostage’ in your minivan. So I suggest you make things right, lady, or I’m reporting your ass to AAA.”

But if the honest approach doesn’t work, then might I suggest teaching your children a little coping mechanism that I like to call the “Five Finger Eye Stab”?  This is where the tauntee takes the fingers of their right hand and gently pokes at the taunter’s eyes until he shuts up and needs a nurse. (Note: While TMH does not condone kid on kid violence, TMH also had phenomenal success with the FFES when they wanted Billy Washington to stop calling them, “The Grand Duchess of Used Kotex” in 1983.)

Basically, Drowning, it all boils down to being a straight shooter and telling your neighbor that you no longer want to carpool with Don Rickles, Jr. Hopefully she’ll get the message and try to change his behavior. And if she doesn’t, it’s no big deal to just drive your kids yourself every day.

At least then, the only bad words they hear will be coming out of your mouth.

Sincerely,

Wendi, TMH

One of my girlfriends is constantly having “house parties.” You know the ones—you  go to someone’s house and they proposition you to buy stuff that you don’t need and really don’t want for exorbitant prices?

Well, at first it was kind of fun because we all have kids the same age and it was nice to get out and do girl stuff, but now it is just annoying. I’m not talking a party or two each year—she has a party at least every month. I don’t want to buy that stuff and, quite frankly, can’t afford it with our one income family. I’ve told her such, but she is just so pushy! I’m on the verge of filing for witness protection and getting the heck out of Dodge. How can I get out of these invites without completely ruining our friendship?

Signed,

Too Much Tupperware

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Dear Too Much Tupperware,

Ah, the neighborhood sales party. It’s a scourge that’s been around since pretty much forever. I think even Cavewoman Joan knew that if she invited Cavewoman Peggy over to her split-level, um, cave and plied her with cheap white wine, she’d earn a 10% commission on whatever stone cookware she talked her friend into ordering. Unfortunately, the only way Cavewoman Peggy could escape was by yelling, “My ride’s here!” when her husband came to give her a drag home, but luckily, you have a few more options.

Option #1: Buy, Buy, Buy!

No matter what kind of crap your friend is pushing, just whip out your pen and fill out that order form. Soon your house will be filled with scented candles, one-of-a-kind dinner plates, stacks of eyeshadow and really trashy lingerie. (Which, sidenote, will make your house a lot like Cher’s.) Simply do this for a few months and in no time at all, you’ll have an iron clad excuse for missing her next party: bankruptcy!

Option #2: Sell, Sell, Sell!

That’s right, I said “sell.” After all, where would McDonald’s be without Burger King nipping at its greasy heels? What your friend needs is a competitor, so it’s high time you went into the home party bidness, too. If she’s selling jewelry on Tuesday, then you sell SHINIER jewelry on Monday. If she sells ugly figurines at 7 p.m., then you sell even UGLIER figurines at 6 p.m. If she sells big, purple “personal massagers” next week, then you sell even bigger…well, you get the idea. Make it so hard for her to throw parties that she just stops altogether!

Option #3: Make yourself unwelcome

Not hard to do, but best when done with a subtle touch. The next time you’re at her home with a group of women, simply put one or all of these lines into your repertoire: “Oh, my God, you still have that couch?” or “Wow–whoever cleaned up your kitchen after that meth explosion sure did a fabulous job!” or “Hey, everyone—I think congratulations are in order because for the first time in three years, I didn’t see any herpes cream in the medicine cabinet! Our hostess is finally STD free!”

(That last one has kept me off invite lists since 1988.)

Of course, you could just try the direct route again and say, “I”ll be your friend, but not your customer, so please don’t invite me to any more parties.” Hopefully it’ll be the last order you ever have to give her.

Sincerely,

Wendi, TMH

A neighbor of mine had plastic surgery over the winter and got a tummy tuck, lipo and a boob job. She looks fantastic, but now she wants everyone to know it. For the past few weeks, she’s been strutting around our neighborhood pool in a teeny bikini that’s not at all appropriate for her age. Now all of the other women here–her supposed friends–are making catty remarks about her and gossiping behind her back. Do I tell her to cover-up or do I just let her enjoy her moment in the sun?

Signed,

Pals with Plastic Patty

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Dear Pals with Plastic Patty,

If you live in a suburban neighborhood long enough, you’re bound to know a woman like this who undergoes what is commonly known as “a mommy makeover.”  In fact, around my area they’re so popular that the city had to install a new stoplight in front of the plastic surgeon’s office. (Because Liposuction + Vicodin + SUV = Watch the f*# out!)

For example, last year a divorced neighbor of mine suddenly went from brown haired lumpy troll to skinny blonde hottie in Juicy short-shorts. It was like “The Ugly Duckling” story, only with Restylane injections and chemical peels. Anyway, what do you suppose her friends said to her after her big transformation? Was it “Congratulations on your new look”? “Now your outer beauty matches your inner beauty”? “I wish I looked just like you”?

Nope. They called her “T*ts LaRue” and got angry at their husbands for checking her out at Back to School night. Word has it that the nasty way they treated her made her feel totally devastated. (Well, at least until she started dating her daughter’s 30-year-old swim coach. That seemed to improve her mood quite a bit.)

But let’s assume that like Miss LaRue, the reason your friend had the surgery was to feel better about herself. And let’s also assume that her self-esteem is now quite a bit higher than it was before. Is that really something you want to take away from her? Chances are she’s no dummy and she already knows that people are saying snarky things behind her back, so your chiming in is just going to make it worse. If she’s not hurting anyone or causing any trouble or stealing anyone’s husband, just be quiet and let her strut her new hot body around the pool.

After the small fortune she paid for it, it’s the least you can do.

Sincerely,

Wendi, TMH