My Friend has a Baby and His Name is Spot
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My friend has a dog who is her “baby.” It’s revolting. She lets him sit on the couch, thinks it’s cute when he jumps on people and doesn’t understand why I go to wash my hands after he licks them. I don’t mind dogs, but I can’t stand her constant babytalking to him, and his being all over me.
I try to limit my visits to her home and usually we do go out. But any good suggestions for when I’m trapped with her son?
Signed, Sick of the Puppy Love
______________________
Dear SPL,
Oh I remember that puppy love well. Long before I had kids, my husband and I adopted a puppy from the rescue shelter to see if we could get the knack of this parenting thing. This puppy looked like Audrey Hepburn (I swear!) and we were totally smitten. When we traveled abroad, I missed her terribly and felt pangs of longing every time I looked at her photo. She was my baby.
Until I had a human baby! Then I could barely remember the dog’s name. Of course, we still loved our dog but it wasn’t the same. I’m guessing your friend doesn’t have any children yet and instead she is completely committed to her pooch. This is all perfectly understandable but it shouldn’t require you to endure an unwelcome lick fest every time you drop by. And you know that old belief that dogs’ mouths are actually cleaner than ours? According to the experts, completely not true. Dogs mouths are dirtier because they have a tendency to sniff and eat bacteria-filled waste. Yum!
Unless you steal your friend’s birth control pills and get her knocked up, this puppy love is going to continue for awhile so you need to set some ground rules. For example, let your friend know that even though you adore Spot, you don’t love him jumping all over you.
Then try to make a tiny effort by petting the dog, bringing over a few treats or you know, taking him for a walk in a baby stroller (I’m just positive she likes to walk her dog in a stroller). If you can be a little kinder to her dog, she will be less defensive when you’re coating yourself with hand sanitizer afterward.
If you just can’t muster up any love for this pooch, than feign allergies and just meet her out. That is – if you can both get a babysitter.
Good luck,
Kelcey, TMH
6 Comments <-- Click to comment
The Case of the Random Cat Food
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
A mystery is afoot in my home. Last weekend, I went in to do my 8th load of laundry for the day and found a 25 pound bag of cat food in my utility room. I had to step over it to get to the washer and dryer. No one in my house knows anything about it. Not even the cat. My only clue is that it is Kirkland cat food (Costco house brand). Now I WAS at Costco last week and my brain is not what it used to be – after 4 kids, chemo, and now early-onset-menopause, but I think I would have REMEMBERED buying a bag of cat food that weighs as much as my 3-yr-old. Please help me solve this mystery!
Signed,
Perplexed in Texas
________________________
Dear Perplexed in Texas,
Boy, have you come to the right place, because if the Mouthy Housewives are good at anything, it’s solving mysteries. Like last week when we cracked “The Case of Mommy’s Missing Youth and Beauty.” (The kids did it.) Or the week before when we tackled “The Case of the Nasty, Dirty Socks.” (The husband did it.) And last night we successfully investigated “The Case of the Missing Jug of Wine.” (The drunk blonde found passed out in her closet with Halloween candy smeared all over her face did it.) (Again.)
Now on to “The Case of the Random Cat Food.” Using my superior sleuthing skills, I’ve put together this list of potential suspects:
Suspect #1: Your husband. He may be pulling a “Gaslight” on you and is trying to make you think you’re going crazy. However, most husbands actually don’t want their wives locked up in a padded room because then there’s nobody home to do the laundry. Innocent.
Suspect #2: Your kids. See above, only substitute “do the laundry” for “cook the meals.” Innocent.
Suspect #3: Your weird neighbor with the Garfield tattoo who calls himself “The Friskies Fairy” and who has already been arrested twice for leaving fluffy cat toys in random strangers’ homes. But, come on, this guy is way too obvious. Innocent.
Suspect #4: The cat. This one makes the most sense, however per Texas law, most housecats can’t get memberships to Costco without two forms of ID. Innocent.
Suspect #5: You. Between the laundry, the babies, and the chemo, it’s highly probable that your memory has taken an understandable hit lately. Guilty.
Sorry to finger you as the culprit, but in all likelihood, it was you who went to Costco, bought the cat food and plunked it down in the laundry room. Only because of everything else you’re doing, you just don’t remember any of it. (Which isn’t such a bad thing, really. I mean, who wants to remember trips to the pet food aisle, anyway?) However, if you’re concerned about this forgetfulness, talk to your doctor. You can also check out the memory tips I found here.
I hope this solves your mystery. And maybe the next time something mysterious appears in your laundry room, you should make sure it’s in a silver shopping bag from Nordstrom.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
Please check out The Mouthy Housewives review of the Swiffer hand held duster. It’s super fancy and magical! And we want to share it with you!
5 Comments <-- Click to comment
Don’t Tell PETA, But We’re Exploiting Pet Fur Today
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a dog and cat that shed year round. My bicep muscles are huge because I’m constantly sweeping, dusting, and lifting the couch to remove pet hair. Are there alternatives to all of this manual labor? It messes up my manicure. My significant other is not in favor of shaving our pets. Perhaps you have suggestions for arts and crafts projects. A dog hair sweater perhaps? A cat fur pot holder? Can I give them away (the arts and crafts not the pets) to friends and visitors or do I actually have to get off my ass and spruce up the guest area?
Signed,
Hanging on by a Hair
_____________________________________________________
Dear Hanging on by a Hair,
I don’t know about this “giving away” idea. I’ve heard of farmers who make their living by selling the hair off of their sheep. Why not us too? With three cats myself, you and I could form a distribution partnership and rule the expensive sweater industry, and possibly potholders.
On second thought, if we compare all the effort it would take to overthrow the sheep wool market, vacuuming the pet hair sounds like less work. You may not be aware of this but “mouthy housewife” in Swahili means, “take the easier way out.” So where does that leave us, other than with nicely toned biceps?
You could always use the shedding hair as a power for good, say, discreetly drop a glob in your mother-in-law’s soup, ensuring she’ll never come over for dinner again. Think of the benefits your partnership would reap just from that one good deed!
Throw some hair in your next office potluck party dish and you’ll never be asked to bring food to the office again. That will leave you extra time to Twitter while at work.
You know those clear, plastic Christmas ornaments at the craft store you can fill? Stuff it with pet hair then wrap them up as “Angel Hair Ornaments.” No one will ever guess, plus you’ll get extra points for being all spiritual during the holidays.
Or you could always…hang on. I have to go clean up a freshly puked hairball, which I’m sure will come in handy one way or another. We’ll do more brainstorming later.
Sincerely,
Heather, TMH
8 Comments <-- Click to comment
The Dingleberry Dilemma
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
What is your advice for when my dog is trying to do his business but that little rogue dingleberry gets stuck and it won’t come out? Do you let him scoot it out in the grass or do you go “in country” to help?
Signed, Confused Over Dingleberries
_____________________________________
Dear Confused Over Dingleberries,
In the spirit of honesty (because it’s totally in vogue right now in the blogosphere), I don’t have a dog. So why have I chosen to answer your question? Because I had a dog. A dog that would have scooted from New York City all the way to New Orleans if I had let her. But mostly she just did it on our living room rug. When we had company. Especially company that didn’t care for dogs.
So obviously, I have the canine experience to help you. But just in case, I did consult with a highly regarded veterinarian who was happy to discuss “dingleberries,” “scooting” and going “in country.” I told you she was highly regarded.
She describes a dingleberry as a “small piece of stool caught in the fur by the anus.” She recommended just picking it off because who wants it to fall or get rubbed off (otherwise known as scooting) on the rug or furniture. If you’re dog has longish hair on its backend, you may want to clip it to prevent this problem.
Now if some of the stool is caught in the anus (which I think is your dog’s issue), “you would gently squeeze on either side of the anus to help it out.” Now obviously, a deep love for your dog is a necessity before you’re willing to squeeze the sides of its anus. But I’ll leave that decision up to you. My suggestion is to have a couple cocktails first.
If you’re still having a problem and considering going “in country,” I would speak to your veterinarian first because imagine how much alcohol you will need to erase that memory.
Good luck to you,
Kelcey, TMH
7 Comments <-- Click to comment
Dog Poop: The Worst Present Ever
Dear TMH,
My husband and I recently bought our first house. The neighborhood is great except for one thing: one of our neighbors lets their dog wander the neighborhood to do its “business.” I wouldn’t mind a wandering dog if it kept its “business” at home, but we’re constantly finding little presents on our grass! Why should I clean up after their dog? Short of scooping up the poop and dumping it on their lawn, how can we ask them to monitor their pooch more closely?
Signed,
Seeing Brown
__________________
Dear Seeing Brown,
I’m assuming that when you refer to finding the dog’s “business” on your lawn, you don’t mean his leather briefcase filled with legal documents, fountain pens and a few bags of kibble in case Rover gets hungry after his afternoon conference call. No, you’re probably talking about that gooey hazard currently wreaking havoc in neighborhoods like yours around the world: Free Range Turds.
My first inclination is to advise you to simply grab a brown paper bag and a lighter, then go execute the classic “Flaming Bag of Crap On Doorstep” maneuver. Not only is this one of my favorite ways to let someone know they’re a major league jackass, it’s also really good for the environment. (Or at least that’s what I think I heard Matt Damon tell Oprah one time when I was tipsy and binging on pita chips, and watching her special on global warming. Not sure.)
Anyway, if you’d rather not go that route, and you can’t afford to set up a Porta-Potty on his front lawn so he knows what it’s like to have your grass turned into an al fresco bathroom, there are a couple of more “legal” things you can try.
First, nicely ask your neighbor if he would please stop letting his pet leave unwanted presents in your yard. If he doesn’t agree, and chances are he won’t considering he thinks it’s okay to let his dog run around loose, then contact your Home Owner’s Association if you have one, or your local Animal Control if you don’t. Either group should be able to tell you your rights and the appropriate action to take.
And if that doesn’t work, just turn on your sprinklers the next time you see Rover and maybe he’ll get the message. After all, sometimes the dog is the smartest one in the family. Good luck!
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
