I recently moved in with my boyfriend and his cat is an asshole. He wakes me up in the middle of the night, attacks my feet and looks at me funny.

How long do cats generally live? My boyfriend is very attached to the cat, so please don’t suggest getting rid of him.

Signed,

Cat Hater

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Dear Cat Hater,

One of the things we pride ourselves on the most at The Mouthy Housewives is our ability to put aside our personal biases and answer each question with an open mind. Therefore, let me just close my Cat Fancy magazine and lovingly tuck Dickens, my little calico cat who gives me reason to get up each morning, into her silk lined kitty basket before I give you a fair and balanced response. (ahem)

YOU’RE A BIG, MEAN CAT HATER AND YOUR BOYFRIEND SHOULD DUMP YOU BECAUSE YOU DON’T DESERVE REAL LOVE!

OK, maybe that response tilted a little more to one side than the other. Can I try it again?

IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE YOUR BOYFRIEND’S CAT, GOOD LUCK WITH HIS MOTHER,  DUMMY!

Nope—still a little unbalanced, I think. One more time:

HOW DO YOU THINK THE CAT LIKES YOU MOVING INTO HER HOUSE? HUH? EVER THINK ABOUT THAT? YOU STOLE HER PERSON, YOU MISERABLE THIEF!

And……nailed it. Fair AND balanced! Booyah!

Here’s the thing: the cat was there before you, your boyfriend loves the cat. Therefore, you need to learn to live with it. For starters, see if it’s possible to keep the cat out of the bedroom while you sleep. That should cut down on the waking you up part. Wear socks or shoes if she’s attacking your feet. It sounds like she’s got a lot of kitten in her, so that’ll probably subside soon.

And as far as thinking that the cat is “looking at you funny,” well, that’s just weird. Even weirder than The Friskies Fairy leaving cat food around your house. So unless you can get the cat to agree to wear little cat sunglasses, you’re just going to have to ignore it. The cat really isn’t out to get you. It’s more interested in the mice under your bed.

You love your boyfriend. Your boyfriend loves his cat. Keep an open mind and you just might grow to love the cat, too and live meowfully ever after. (Sorry.)

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

P.S. Miss Dickens just had her 19th birthday. You might be in this for the long haul, my friend.

Dear Mouthy Housewives Readers,

One of my very good friends recently got a new puppy (“Snoogies”) and she’s become obsessed with it. The dog is all she talks about and it seems like she plans her entire day around him. The one or two times I’ve “puppy sat” for an hour, she’s left three-page instructions for me and then quizzes me on how it went.

Last week we went to lunch and she asked if we could sit outside so she could bring Snoogies. Then she fed him her lunch and talked baby talk to him the whole time. (She also lets him lick her mouth for “kissing time.” It’s not fun to watch.) I like the dog just fine, but she’s gone nutso. How can I let her know that I don’t want to talk about the dog non-stop without hurting her feelings?

Ayudame!

Wendi

My husband and I purchased the cutest little mini schnauzer puppy. My husband had wanted a dog since we bought our home 3 years ago, but due to his hectic work schedule (2 full time jobs) and my 12 hour work day, this wasn’t an option. Unfortunately, he was laid off and has been for the past year and a half. So I finally decided having a puppy might be fun, so we went for it.

Well, the day before we bought the puppy, he tells me some story about how he got another job only working a few hours a week locally near our home. Not a big deal. Well, the truth came out after we got our puppy that he’s really back full time. The job is fabulous, and the money is better, but our new puppy now spends 11-13 hours alone depending on who makes it home first. Yes he has food, water and puppy pads, but who in the world wants to live like that? So now I feel awful for the little guy who’s only 8-weeks-old. He was doing his business outside fairly well until today when it became a free for all in our home.

Should I find our puppy a new home or let him hang out in our upstairs bedroom in a gated play area all day?

Signed,

Sad Puppy Mommy

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Dear S.P.M.,

You know what that dog needs? Marriage counseling. Oh, I mean, not the dog. I’ll get to that cute little 8-week-old pup in a moment. Just to clarify, your husband lied to you about his employment status (claiming he only had a part-time job and was free to be home with the puppy) and then changed his story once the dog was yours? Maybe I’m missing some details here but it sounds like you and your husband need to work on your communication skills. Because lying to your spouse to get what you want is not exactly a healthy foundation for a marriage. Perhaps some counseling might be a good idea. But unless your marriage counselor has a second career as a dog sitter, this will not solve your puppy problem.

I think it’s really unfair to leave most dogs (especially a puppy) alone for 11 to 13 hours a day. So you have a few options. Find the puppy a new home which will be incredibly sad but then probably a big relief. Another option is to find a dog walker to come spend time with your pooch every day. Or you can bring him to a doggy day care center where he can be around other dogs and people while you are at work. Sure, some of your friends might start calling you ooh la la fancy doggy pants for doing this but you won’t get any judgment from me. Of course, I used to have a personal trainer run my hyper kangaroo dog 5 miles a day so I say, go for it.

But if the elitist dog route isn’t for you, you could always acquire another dog to keep your current one company.  Of course, that will be double the amount of dog crap all over your house but on the bright side, less guilt!

Good luck with the dog. And the husband.

Signed,

Kelcey, TMH

On a routine trip to the pet store to get dog food, my 10 year old fell in love with the hamster/gerbil/guinea pig section. Now she is DYING for one.  The problem is that we already have a dog and a cat and everything I have read confirms my suspicions that the cat will eat the thing. So is there a cat proof hamster home out there?

I explained that we have to respect our current pets that were here first and not tempt them with meaty chewables and I thought that worked. But this morning I woke to a full page letter wishing me all the luck in “finding” a hamster.  What should I do?

Signed,

We Love Dogs, Cats and Rodents Too!

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Dear Animal Lovers,

I am going to tell you a very unfortunate story and I only hope you will learn from my wise words. When I was a kid, I had the chance to bring home the class guinea pigs for the summer. This was an honor indeed!

And I made sure those guinea pigs had the most fabulous summer (sun bathing, frolicking, water skiing) – right up until the day they got eaten by our two dogs.  There is nothing worse than having to explain to your teachers why you are coming back from summer vacation with an empty guinea pig cage.

Dogs and cats are always going to be very interested in eating hamsters, guinea pigs and gerbils. So there is always a risk of little Herb the hamster becoming your kitty cat’s next meal. I would advise a cage with a very secure top. Ask your local pet store what to buy. And I would put something heavy on top of it to make sure no one gets out and no one gets in. Like a big fat hardcover book. Because your Kindle ain’t keeping anyone out of that cage.

And one more tip on animals:  If you ever get bunnies and let them run around your yard, they, too, will be eaten. I know. I’m not a fast learner.

Good luck to you.

Kelcey, TMH

The route for our nightly dog walk takes us down a street that has four houses of dogs that bark. They aren’t in a row, but scattered down the street. About a month ago, the woman in the last dog barking house (she has yap-yap dogs) came outside when we walked by and gave us a dirty look. Then a couple of weeks ago, she was outside when we walked by, so I smiled and said hi.  In return, she gave me a dirty look and said,  “Oh, she’s walking her dog again.”

She  has now rudely complained to me that her dogs bark every time I walk by.  I find it really hard to believe that my dog is the only dog that her yap-yap dogs bark at. By the way, my dog is very well trained and doesn’t participate in any of the barking.

Am I wrong here? Should I do the mature thing and change our route?

Signed,

Who Let the Rude Dog Owner Out

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Dear WLTRDOO,

My most recent experience with dog ownership was our frantic, high energy lab mix that once chased after a one-armed jogger at the beach and nipped at his heels for the entire length of the shoreline, so I may not be the best judge of dog etiquette.

However, my mother knows all when it comes to man’s best friend. This is the woman who once gazed at my newborn daughter and said, “She’s so beautiful. She looks just like Lilly.” Lilly happens to be her dog and yes, she meant it as the greatest compliment one could bestow on a newborn baby.

So after reading your question, I immediately gave my mom a ring. She claims that some canines can dislike certain dogs, so it’s possible that these neighborhood dogs do have a problem with your pooch.  Of course, I don’t know if my mom can be trusted because she also insists that her beautiful dog Lilly never barks except when my family comes to visit her, which just can’t be true.

Now that we have established that my mother is probably a liar, let’s review your options.  Change your nightly walk, which sounds like the best idea since there are four houses with barking dogs and you can find a quieter street. Or torment this rude dog owner by walking your dog multiple times by her house every day and giving her gift wrapped dog muzzles for the holidays.  Your choice. I hate dealing with mean people, so I would take the high road, or rather the quieter road.

Good luck to you.

Kelcey, TMH

I am in a serious romantic relationship with a man who is very wonderful.  Except he hates the fact that I let my dog sleep on my bed.  He says that it’s disgusting and that dogs are not clean and he wants her off the bed.

The problem is that my dog is 6 years old and the foot of my bed is her place to sleep. It doesn’t bother me at all, and I think it’s terrible to throw her out just because my boyfriend thinks it’s disgusting.  My boyfriend and I have discussed marriage, and we agree that’s where we’re heading, but this bugs me.  What do I do?

Signed,

Puppy Love

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Dear Puppy Love,

This is the precise reason why pre-marital sex is the root of all evil.  Because if you just held off inviting this man into your bed until you were lawfully wed, we wouldn’t be having this problem.  He would never suspect that you slept with a dog in your bed and by the time he joined you in the marital chamber, it would be too late for him to do anything about it.  Like, what, is he going to file for divorce over it?   Besides, once you married, you may have moved to his place, or a new place altogether, and then your dog would get so confused and disoriented that she wouldn’t care where she slept.  Problem solved!  But you had to have your fun, and now the barn door is open, the milk is free and we have ourselves a situation.

Assuming that you don’t want to resort to doggy actuarial tables, you have a few choices.

1. Compromise:  Have  designated dog-off-the-bed nights.  It may take your dog a while to get used to a new sleeping arrangement, but with proper reinforcement, she’ll master it.

2. Prevent grossness:  I don’t know where you live, but unless it’s somewhere that allows your dog to run through the meadows and return at the end of the days with paws smelling of crushed thyme and lavender, your boyfriend has a valid point.  Hose the dog down and scrub the paws until they smell less like the outdoors and more like Fritos.

3.  Be patient:  Chances are, over time your man and your dog will bond and he will welcome her into the bed.  Rent Old Yeller to expedite the bonding.

Good luck!

Marinka, TMH

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

What is the best way to convince my husband NOT to get a dog? He desperately wants one (and so do the kids) and they are all begging me endlessly. I do not want a dog. Help me before it’s too late and I’m spending every waking moment with Fido.

Signed,

I Already Have A Best Friend

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Dear Friend,

The barking, the fleas, the neediness, the pooping on the floor, who needs it? And now he wants a dog?

My guess is your husband will attempt to sway you by saying that he and the kids will do all of the work and you won’t have to lift a finger. Guess what? It never works! What if you DO lift a finger? Are you allowed to litigate? Last I checked, there was no Law & Order: Forgetful Stupidity. Judge Judy might take your case but there’s no guarantee that once she sees those babies of yours batting their eyelashes and pouting, “We just wuv our widdle doggie” that she is going to side with you. Kids is tricky, sister, and so is TV judges.

Let me tell you a little story. I wanted a dog, too. Well, it was between a dog and a baby but the pound rarely takes babies back and so I chose a dog. The other day I came home and she had dragged my clothes out of the hamper and eaten the crotch out of all of them. Not chewed; eaten. The moral of that story: always wear the jeans that make your butt look magnif, because you never know when the clothes on your back will end up being all you are left with. Also, your dog might be gay and you don’t even know it. I mean, dogs don’t have pride parades, you know?

My question to you is this: how far are you willing to go to convince the hubs not to get a pooch? Extra kisses far? Extra kisses while naked far? Extra kisses while naked and wearing a dog collar far? Is expressing your extreme misgivings to him clearly (and loudly, if necessary) not enough? If that’s the case, maybe *he* should wear the dog collar.

A decision this major (and potentially wardrobe-altering) should be made jointly and not something that one person (and a few little half-people) decides and sets out to whine the other person into. Don’t be swayed, sister. Stand your ground and tell the chewed crotch story. If nothing else, maybe you’ll distract him with pity for me and my Victoria’s Secrets. If not, get the collar.

Love,

The Checkout Girl, Guest TMH

My friend has a dog who is her “baby.”  It’s revolting.  She lets him sit on the couch, thinks it’s cute when he jumps on people and doesn’t understand why I go to wash my hands after he licks them.  I don’t mind dogs, but I can’t stand her constant babytalking to him, and his being all over me.

I try to limit my visits to her home and usually we do go out.  But any good suggestions for when I’m trapped with her son?

Signed, Sick of the Puppy Love

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Dear SPL,

Oh I remember that puppy love well. Long before I had kids, my husband and I adopted a puppy from the rescue shelter to see if we could get the knack of this parenting thing. This puppy looked like Audrey Hepburn (I swear!) and we were totally smitten. When we traveled abroad, I missed her terribly and felt pangs of longing every time I looked at her photo. She was my baby.

Until I had a human baby! Then I could barely remember the dog’s name.  Of course, we still loved our dog but it wasn’t the same. I’m guessing your friend doesn’t have any children yet and instead she is completely committed to her pooch.  This is all perfectly understandable but it shouldn’t require you to endure an unwelcome lick fest every time you drop by. And you know that old belief that dogs’ mouths are actually cleaner than ours? According to the experts, completely not true.  Dogs mouths are dirtier because they have a tendency to sniff and eat bacteria-filled waste. Yum!

Unless you steal your friend’s birth control pills and get her knocked up, this puppy love is going to continue for awhile so you need to set some ground rules. For example, let your friend know that even though you adore Spot, you don’t love him jumping all over you.

Then try to make a tiny effort by petting the dog, bringing over a few treats or you know, taking him for a walk in a baby stroller (I’m just positive she likes to walk her dog in a stroller).  If you can be a little kinder to her dog, she will be less defensive when you’re coating yourself with hand sanitizer afterward.

If you just can’t muster up any love for this pooch, than feign allergies and just meet her out. That is – if you can both get a babysitter.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

A mystery is afoot in my home. Last weekend, I went in to do my 8th load of laundry for the day and found a 25 pound bag of cat food in my utility room. I had to step over it to get to the washer and dryer. No one in my house knows anything about it. Not even the cat. My only clue is that it is Kirkland cat food (Costco house brand). Now I WAS at Costco last week and my brain is not what it used to be – after 4 kids, chemo, and now early-onset-menopause, but I think I would have REMEMBERED buying a bag of cat food that weighs as much as my 3-yr-old. Please help me solve this mystery!

Signed,

Perplexed in Texas

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Dear Perplexed in Texas,

Boy, have you come to the right place, because if the Mouthy Housewives are good at anything, it’s solving mysteries. Like last week when we cracked “The Case of Mommy’s Missing Youth and Beauty.” (The kids did it.) Or the week before when we tackled “The Case of the Nasty, Dirty Socks.” (The husband did it.) And last night we successfully investigated “The Case of the Missing Jug of Wine.” (The drunk blonde found passed out in her closet with Halloween candy smeared all over her face did it.) (Again.)

Now on to “The Case of the Random Cat Food.” Using my superior sleuthing skills, I’ve put together this list of potential suspects:

Suspect #1: Your husband. He may be pulling a “Gaslight” on you and is trying to make you think you’re going crazy. However, most husbands actually don’t want their wives locked up in a padded room because then there’s nobody home to do the laundry. Innocent.

Suspect #2: Your kids. See above, only substitute “do the laundry” for “cook the meals.” Innocent.

Suspect #3: Your weird neighbor with the Garfield tattoo who calls himself “The Friskies Fairy” and who has already been arrested twice for leaving fluffy cat toys in random strangers’ homes. But, come on, this guy is way too obvious. Innocent.

Suspect #4: The cat.  This one makes the most sense, however per Texas law, most housecats can’t get memberships to Costco without two forms of ID. Innocent.

Suspect #5: You. Between the laundry, the babies, and the chemo, it’s highly probable that your memory has taken an understandable hit lately. Guilty.

Sorry to finger you as the culprit, but in all likelihood, it was you who went to Costco, bought the cat food and plunked it down in the laundry room. Only because of everything else you’re doing, you just don’t remember any of it. (Which isn’t such a bad thing, really. I mean, who wants to remember trips to the pet food aisle, anyway?) However, if you’re concerned about this forgetfulness, talk to your doctor. You can also check out the memory tips I found here.

I hope this solves your mystery. And maybe the next time something mysterious appears in your laundry room, you should make sure it’s in a silver shopping bag from Nordstrom.

Sincerely,

Wendi, TMH

Please check out The Mouthy Housewives review of the Swiffer hand held duster. It’s super fancy and magical!  And we want to share it with you!

I have a dog and cat that shed year round. My bicep muscles are huge because I’m constantly sweeping, dusting, and lifting the couch to remove pet hair. Are there alternatives to all of this manual labor? It messes up my manicure. My significant other is not in favor of shaving our pets. Perhaps you have suggestions for arts and crafts projects. A dog hair sweater perhaps? A cat fur pot holder? Can I give them away (the arts and crafts not the pets) to friends and visitors or do I actually have to get off my ass and spruce up the guest area?

Signed,
Hanging on by a Hair

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Dear Hanging on by a Hair,

I don’t know about this “giving away” idea. I’ve heard of farmers who make their living by selling the hair off of their sheep. Why not us too? With three cats myself, you and I could form a distribution partnership and rule the expensive sweater industry, and possibly potholders.

On second thought, if we compare all the effort it would take to overthrow the sheep wool market, vacuuming the pet hair sounds like less work. You may not be aware of this but “mouthy housewife” in Swahili means, “take the easier way out.”  So where does that leave us, other than with nicely toned biceps?

You could always use the shedding hair as a power for good, say, discreetly drop a glob in your mother-in-law’s soup, ensuring she’ll never come over for dinner again. Think of the benefits your partnership would reap just from that one good deed!

Throw some hair in your next office potluck party dish and you’ll never be asked to bring food to the office again. That will leave you extra time to Twitter while at work.

You know those clear, plastic Christmas ornaments at the craft store you can fill? Stuff it with pet hair then wrap them up as “Angel Hair Ornaments.” No one will ever guess, plus you’ll get extra points for being all spiritual during the holidays.

Or you could always…hang on. I have to go clean up a freshly puked hairball, which I’m sure will come in handy one way or another. We’ll do more brainstorming later.

Sincerely,
Heather, TMH