I’m Pregnant And Depressed But Are Drugs The Answer?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am currently almost 4 months pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant I was taking an antidepressant. I immediately got off of it. My problem is that I am now suffering from severe depression and having panic attacks almost every day.
I went to see a new OB/GYN at the suggestion of a friend (my old OB wasn’t well versed in medications). This doctor believes that it would be better for me to be on the antidepressant than to suffer like this through the rest of my pregnancy. She has even suggested that I see a psychiatrist.
My problem is that I’m really conflicted and scared. I don’t want to hurt my baby. My family thinks that if I take anything it will detrimental to my child’s health. I really want to do what is right for my baby but I don’t think that my current mental and emotional state is helping either. What should I do?
Please help!
Anxious About Antidepressants
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Dear AAA,
People are really great because just as we all bleed red (except Tom Cruise, I think his insides are made of green slime) we also all have opinions. And we love to share them!
I’m not sure if any of your family members are medical professionals so I can’t speak to their qualifications but even so, it’s possible that their closeness to the situation is interfering with their judgment. And family pressure can be especially difficult to handle.
It’s best to begin to draw your boundaries now because this is just the tip of the iceberg. Wait until you have chosen a name for the child, at least 75% of your family will know a dog, drug addict, or vagabond with that name. And when you want to sleep train or not sleep train your child you will get no fewer than 20 suggestions as to what you should really do, these may or may not include the following:
-give the baby a drop of whiskey
-wear ear plugs
-sleep with your child until they are 12
-bundle the baby in no less than 5 layers, including hat and mittens
-walk around the crib 2 times clockwise
-call Tom Cruise and ask his advice
The good news is, it sounds like your new OB/GYN is being extremely careful. The fact that she even wants you to go and see a psychiatrist for a another opinion regarding your mental health tells me that she is really looking out for both your welfare and that of your unborn child.
I have to note here, however, that I am biased. I struggled with depression and anxiety throughout my pregnancy and was prescribed an antidepressant by my doctor, who specializes in pregnancy and women’s mental health. She doesn’t recommend a lot of medication and she was extremely cautious about what I took, making sure I was at the lowest dosage necessary. My son was born happy, healthy and a week late. I’m only telling you this so that you know you are NOT alone, I am not trying to persuade you one way or the other.
Everything we put in our bodies comes with a certain amount of risk and this goes triple for medication. The important thing to focus on here is the question of whether the benefits outweigh that risk. This decision should be made between you, your partner, and your doctor and no one else. I could go into numerous studies done on women with depression who didn’t take anything while pregnant and studies done on those who did, but I believe that this is the domain for your OB/GYN and your psychiatrist. They will help you to choose the right route for you and your baby.
The best of luck!
Tonya, TMH
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No Photos of the Baby, Please
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am pregnant with our first child. Since we are going to be new parents, I know and accept we are going to be uptight, hanging on every word of parenting advice ever, fine-tooth combing “What to Expect”, etc., until we get the swing of things and find our own parenting style. However, we are worried about how social networks may come into play.
I know it may seem silly, but we do not want anyone posting photos of our little one on their Facebook/Twitter/whatever. A new child can be an exciting and happy moment, so I am happy and flattered that people would want to share in this, but we feel sometimes the internet can allow one to share too much. Sharing photos with family and friends is wonderful, but we don’t want them posting these online and sharing with a bunch of strangers we don’t even know.
So three parter question: 1) How do we explain this in a nice way to help ensure our wishes are followed? 2) How do we handle things if our wishes are not accepted/ listened to/ followed? 3) Are we being over-protective/ downright bat-shit crazy?
Much love,
Nervous Newbie
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Dear N.N.,
Boy, are you going to have a laugh over this question some day. Probably when your child has screamed for 5 hours straight, you can’t remember the last time you took a shower and you just tried to bush your teeth with sunscreen. And then you’re going to think back to your concern about photos on the internet, let out a hearty laugh and then scream to your spouse, “FIND THE PACIFIER. FIND IT RIGHT NOW. WE BOUGHT 20 OF THEM. WHERE ARE THEY?!!! I DON’T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT NIPPLE CONFUSION. I CAN’T TAKE THE CRYING!!! FIND THAT GOD DAMN PACIFIER!!!”
But since that day has yet to come, let’s address your questions. If you want to prevent people from posting your child’s photo, I would try to have a really ugly child. Now I have no idea what you look like. But let’s just say if very big heads run in your family (like they do in mine), you are in the clear. Also, make sure you’re not a celebrity. If you just named your kid Blue Ivy, you’re going to have a problem.
But I really would not worry too much about friends/family putting your child’s photo on the internet. Mostly because no one is going to care remotely as much about your child as you will.
In fact, you’ll probably have to prevent yourself from posting a daily photo of your little babe to all your Facebook friends which of course includes that weird girl in your high school geometry class. Although I’m sure she’ll think little Johnny is oh so handsome!
To everyone else, kids sort of all blend together. Don’t believe me? Go look at all those Christmas cards. See what I mean?! Now if you do have one or two relatives who are prone to snapping copious amount of photos and instantly uploading them, just take them aside and ask them to respect your privacy. And if pictures do end up on Facebook or other sites, just request that the offending family member take them down.
Finally, are you bat shit crazy? No. Well, maybe a teeny tiny bit. But no more so than any other expecting parent. So don’t sweat it. Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly.
By the way, I found those baby expert books make excellent paper weights. Or if you get enough of them, a footstool! But I wouldn’t really bother reading them.
Good luck to you.
Kelcey, TMH
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Welcome to the 4th Grade! Where’s Your Bra?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I get an email every Sunday night from my daughter’s 4th grade teacher that covers anything important for the week. But this week’s email said, “Please make sure your child is dressed for running outside, stretching, and being active. This eliminates tight skirts, floppy or clunky shoes, and coming to school without a jacket. A supportive sports-bra if your girl is beginning to bud is a thoughtful gesture, and crystal/deodorant if they are beginning to perspire is especially appreciated by their pregnant teacher! : )”
My daughter is 9-years-old! I am NOT going to give her a complex about her teeny tiny boobs or a little bit of sweat. I don’t think it is the teacher’s place AT ALL to bring up bras and deodorant. In my opinion, it is a parenting issue. I know little girls are developing earlier and earlier these days, but I’m still going to let my newly 9-year-old go without a bra and deodorant. She’s too young to worry about vanity. She goes to school in clean and appropriate clothing and has a bath or a shower everyday.
What do you think? Should she be told by her teacher to wear a bra? I know this wasn’t directed at my girl personally, but I would hate for the teacher to ever say anything to the girls about this.
Signed,
Mind Your Own Beeswax, Teacher
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Dear Mind Your Own Beeswax,
Wow, where do I begin? B.O., sports bras, pregnant teachers and the phrase “if your girl is beginning to bud.” I feel like I’m trapped in an ABC After School Special with Lance Kerwin all of a sudden. Should I put on a crocheted vest and try some of that groovy angel dust I’ve been hearing so much about? Maybe I’ll do it right after I make-out with an older dude at the disco roller rink. Whee!
But back to your question. Right off the bat, I will agree that yes, the teacher is somewhat overstepping her bounds in regards to her students’ personal hygiene and support garments. Those are most definitely matters best left to parents. However, there are two things that might be at play here.
First, she’s pregnant and therefore extremely sensitive to smell. I know that when I was pregnant, I couldn’t stand the aroma of coffee and used to yell at my co-workers for having the nerve to use the office coffee pot in the morning. “Don’t you idiot caffeine-freaks care about my unborn child?! Don’t you? What is wrong with you selfish morons? I HATE YOU!” You know, I’m still not sure why I was laid-off.
What I’m trying to say is maybe you can cut her a little slack with the deodorant issue. Your daughter may not need it, but others might. I know my 9-year-old son’s armpits have started smelling like a New York city cab driver’s lately, so we just had to buy him some deodorant. (Baby’s First SpeedStick! So cute!)
And the second thing at play is maybe she’s advising bras because the girls who are “budding” are being teased. Rather than singling them out and/or speaking to their parents privately, she opted for sending an email to everyone. Or maybe she’s noticed that when the girls are being active at recess, like on the monkey bars, sometimes their tops flip up and there’s nothing underneath. At any rate, if you don’t think your daughter needs a bra, I wouldn’t worry about it.
I do agree that a 9-year-old girl shouldn’t have to worry about “vanity,” however wearing a bra and smelling good are issues that are going to come up sooner than you think so it never hurts to teach her about it while she’s young. (Because you don’t want her to be this person when she grows up.) And while your kid’s teacher might be a little bit of a busybody, I have to say that it sounds like she really cares about the kids, too. Even the smelly ones.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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Don’t Call Me Mother
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m six months pregnant with our first child. I’m excited about becoming a mother, but my husband recently called me “Mommy” and it really made me feel uncomfortable. I let him know right away and he sort of laughed it off, but said that once the baby was born, I’d be hearing it a lot– that everyone would be calling me that, including him.
Is this some kind of rule? Because I don’t want to be called “mommy” by anyone other than my children.
Signed,
What the hell?
_______________________________________
Dear WTH,
Congratulations on your pregnancy!
If there is a rule that all parents must be called “mommy” and “daddy” then go ahead and slap those handcuffs on me, because I am an outlaw. An outlaw who agrees with you–I will not respond to being called “mommy” by anyone whose diapers I have not personally changed. When they were babies.
I know that there are couples who call each other “mommy” and “daddy” or “ma” and “pa” and if it works for them, God Bless. But if I’m reading between the lines of your question, it’s not working for you. And that’s okay.
Since your husband’s er… threat that everyone will be calling you mommy is still haunting you, talk to him. Let him know that you find your husband referring to you as “mommy” distasteful and explain why. For example, if my husband were to start calling me mommy, I’d tell him that I did not cease being a human being upon giving birth and that I’d like to continue to be referred to as I had been in the past. (Of course my oldest child is thirteen years old, so if my husband were to suddenly start calling me mommy, I’d have to demand that he submit to a brain scan immediately.)
You’ll still hear it. The pediatrician tells my daughter, “let me talk to mom for a minute” and my son’s baseball coach says, “mom, I’m going to ask you to sit in the bleachers, not in the dugout” and although it grates a bit, I don’t mind it. I accept it as one of my titles and I don’t have it in me to explain to someone I see only occasionally that I prefer to be called by my name or as “the Bleached Blonde Goddess.”
But if the people that I interact with daily, like my husband, for example, were to all me “mom” I’d speak up. And let us know if he insists on your calling him daddy. We can definitely help with that.
Good luck,
Marinka, TMH
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(Step) Mama Drama
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am the proud (step) mom of a lovely 4-year-old little lady, with whom I share an incredibly close bond. I have been wearing my “mommy” shoes since her (single) father and she moved into my home when she was a 9-month-old baby. Her Biological Mother suffers from behavioral and mental illnesses that cause extreme outbursts and instability and at the time was not at all interested in being present in her daughter’s life.
Recently, however, her Biological Mother has been seeking help and has been trying to step back into the picture. Although this should be a great thing – the more love, the better! – Biological Mom has decided that it’s her right to assume full responsibility and rights of my daughter…err, step daughter. She has never to this day sent anything in terms of child support or even clothes, gifts, etc with the exception of a few holiday and birthday cards and toys from Biological Mom’s parents with Biological Mom’s name signed on them.
My girl’s father is a fantastic dad who didn’t have his own biological parents growing up and is thrilled that Bio Mom wants involvement and refuses to ask anything from her in return for parental rights. Problem is, we are expecting a baby this winter and are tight on cash and could really use the help. It’s not my place to ask her (we don’t speak, usually) but I am starting to get really worried about our little family’s future. Bio Mom lives multiple states away and is pressuring for full custody (my husband says definitely not, but he’s leaning) and the news of a new child in the family is sure to set off past issues with Bio Mom. This is supposed to be such a happy time for us yet all I feel is STRESS STRESS STRESS!
HELP!
Step-Mommy Dearest
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Dear Step-Mommy Dearest,
Okay, this is heavy. What I’m hearing is that you are worried about protecting your extended family while also trying to be practical about finances. (All while pregnant! Yikes.) These are both valid concerns, but I don’t think they should be handled simultaneously. Not losing your daughter will have a lot to do with things that are beyond your control, but you can work on improving the situation with communication. On the other hand, getting this woman to pay child support is best handled in a courtroom, not your living room.
SO!
The reality is that you don’t really have the power to dictate what happens here. What you CAN do, however, are these three things:
1. First is your communication with your husband. I’m hoping that, at this point, you’ve already spoken with him to let him know how you feel. If not, make that priority number one, and don’t mince your words. (I mean, maybe don’t say “bitch be crazy” or anything like that, because that would be insensitive.)
2. You also have the power to establish a positive relationship with this woman. I realize it hasn’t yet been done, and there’s an awkward I’ve-been-mothering-your-daughter-for-the-past-four-years-what-have-you-been-up-to issue, but for the sake of this little girl, you should bridge that gap. All parents, “step” or otherwise, should be on the same page.
3. Lastly, I might watch too much Dateline or something, but I feel like it would be wise to procure a lawyer for you and your husband. I’m feeling like the if-you-give-us-money-we’ll-share-custody thing is not the best approach here, and a lawyer can help you see exactly why. (As can watching Dateline.) And if you want to get REALLY crazy, go ahead and hire a private investigator as well! (Okay, that’s totally the Dateline speaking.)
(And in between all those, please remember to breathe.)
We’re pulling for you!
Kristine, TMH
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