Roommate Unwanted
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My mother in law’s kitchen burned down which led to damage to the rest of the house, so she and her 16 year-old son are staying with us for a while. But it’s only been 2 weeks and, already, I can’t take it anymore. She’s a conniving, two-faced drama queen. It never bothered me before because we rarely saw her. Now my husband, 2 year old and I share our apartment with her and her son.
They have taken over my life. I haven’t had a minute alone with my husband since they got here. She won’t eat my food, and when she cooks she turns my kitchen into a salmonella- infested war zone. They don’t knock. They’re filthy. They’re loud. They are everything I hate in this world. But… she has nowhere else to go.
I’m 6 months pregnant. I’m tired. I’m frustrated. How can I get her to respect that it’s my house and that I need privacy, peace and quiet, without having her throw an award winning sob fest while making me look like a monster? Help!
Signed,
Frustrated
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Dear Frustrated,
Living in such close quarters with so many people would be maddening under the best of circumstances. Your situation, however, sounds like an episode of Hell’s Kitchen, peppered with a little bit of Super Nanny and infused with Hoarders.
As much as you cannot change her or your brother-in-law’s behavior, you can absolutely lay some ground rules. Any success with that, however, is probably going to be contingent on your husband. This is his mother, and if she’s prone to drama and victim-playing, it will be much easier for him to establish an understanding without her pegging you as some sort of tyrant.
As awkward as it may be at first, some firmness and rules should help relieve some of your stress. It’s not unfair for you to request that she clean up after cooking, for instance. Both you and your toddler can be more susceptible to viruses and infection; her selfishness and laziness should not be catered to at the expense of your health. Of course, delivery is key, so avoid phrases like “I hate you” or “you’re ruining my life” or “here’s the number to the motor lodge.” Instead opt for phrases such as “to help us all feel more comfortable” or “to avoid conflict” or “so that I don’t end up duct-taping you and your son and throwing you both in a hall closet.” That kind of thing.
Now, if the discussion turns into a confrontation, try to work on the problem from another angle. Reach out to her friends or other family to see if they can host them for even just a week at a time. Also, consider overseeing or helping to expedite the clean-up process at her house, since it will only benefit you in the long run. Whatever you do, be selfish. Advocate for yourself in your own home, and get your husband’s complete support in dealing with his I’m-sure-she’s-lovely-but-omfg-I’m-glad-she’s-not-mine mother.
Godspeed,
Kristine, TMH
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My Baby Stole My Awesome Body and Won’t Give It Back!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m smart. So smart that I convinced my husband that having our children 15 months apart was a good thing. So I have a 16-month-old and a 4-week-old, and I love them both. But my body is a wreck!
I won’t bore you with the long sad sob story about how hot I was (very!) or how my self esteem has suffered to the point that I’m afraid to initiate sex with my husband for fear of rejection. I am wondering, however, if you have any ideas for toning and strengthening muscles (both inside and out, if you catch my drift) because I can’t tell if I’m doing those stupid kegels right. Meanwhile, I fear that if these bat wings (aka arms) get any worse, I’ll be swooping into my kids’ rooms in the middle of the night for the (many, many) feedings.
Signed,
Flabby Franny
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Dear Flabby Franny,
Your problem is not your body. Your problem is that you’re all messed up in the head. And it’s not your fault. Because you just had a baby. 4 WEEKS AGO. Plus, you already have a 16-month-old! You basically have two babies on your hands who need something from you every moment of the day. You are beyond tired.
I’m amazed you are even thinking about your body. Or sex. Because I would be sobbing. Constantly. And I would be curled up in a ball, humming the theme song to “Gilligan’s Island” while snarfing down gummy colas. But you’re probably a lot more stable than I am.
You are being way too self critical. Give yourself time to adjust to life with two very young children. Focus on sleeping whenever you can. And most doctors don’t even give the okay for sex until you’re six weeks postpartum, so don’t rush it. There is plenty of time to have sex with your husband. According to my precise calculations… the rest of your life.
If you want to start exercising, throw those two bambinos in a stroller and start walking. Up hills, down hills and definitely to the coffee shop. As for the rest of the time, your arms will get plenty of toning carrying those two kids around. When it comes to the kegels, just squeeze your pelvic muscles as if you were trying to stop yourself from peeing. Hold for five seconds and then release. Do this 10,000 times. Maybe less. Like 20 times.
While you’re practicing your kegels and strengthening your pelvic floor, your husband can practice saying things like, “You are the most gorgeous mother and wife I’ve ever seen.” Now believe him. Because it’s true. You’re a MILF.
Good luck!
Kelcey, TMH
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OMG, My Husband is a Pregnancy Freakazoid
Summertime and the livin’ is LAZY. That’s why today we welcome back a fabulous guest housewife, Muffin Top Mommy! MTM is a hilarious writer and blogger who you should definitely check out. I had the pleasure of partying with her in a Dayton, Ohio Ramada Inn last year and I’ll never be the same again. Welcome MTM! –Wendi
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband and I have a strong, solid relationship. I am currently seven months pregnant with our first child. We are both ecstatic about our future addition. The problem is that my husband is starting to DRIVE. ME. CRAZY. He has always been a touchy-feely kind of guy, but it seems to have escalated to new heights now that we have a baby on the way. He loves rubbing my belly and talking to my stomach, which is fine when we are in the privacy of our own home. However, he does it in public A LOT. I’ve told him how it made me (and others) feel uncomfortable, and he always replies, “Honey, I’m just excited. I think people understand that and probably think it’s sweet.”
In addition to the constant tummy touching, he has become OBSESSED with getting our home ready and organized for baby-to-be. When I came home from work the other day, he had painted the nursery while I was gone. We had never discussed colors or themes, and I don’t like it at all. Again, he insisted that he was being helpful and excited, and he just couldn’t understand why I was so annoyed. Should I just suck it up and appreciate his enthusiasm for his impending fatherhood, or should I buck up and tell him to take it down a few notches?
Signed,
Hormones + Hubby = HELLLLP!
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Dear Hormones + Hubby,
When I was gigundously pregnant, I found myself at a party where the Patron was a flowin’–for everyone but moi. And sure enough, some fool teetered along and proceeded to rub his paws right over my cheap ass-not-thick-enough-mystery-material- ’Precious Cargo’- frock. (Don’t even think I didn’t take note for future pregnancies. There is a pic of me at a subsequent holiday party in sherpa fleece. Winning!)
Really, nothing like being stone cold sober and having Grubby McSleazypaws grub all over my belly. I felt like grown up frat boy had copped a feel, but not in a good, hazy, booze filled/I think he might’ve been kinda hot in an awkward John Cusack way. I wanted to scream as my hubs stood inches away swillin’ and chillin’, while I was getting violated mere steps away. (Awesome guy, but he could not make the connection to my indignation. I contest that all guys love the notion that a random girl would rub them anywhere. Try to disprove me.)
It took two of you to get this baby growing in your belly, and it’s going to take two of you to raise it. With that comes a lot of excitement as well as challenges. There will be many decisions to make beyond the obvious room decor and school districts. Like Gap or Gymboree, Pampers or Huggies, Chardonnay or Pinot (I mean for you, not the kid!). Like everything in your marriage, it’s a partnership, fitty-fitty. You probably wouldn’t run out and choose a car or a sofa without him, so why’s he painting a nursery without consulting the MOM to be?
He’s batshit crazy in love with you and the baby and he just can’t control himself, but it’s temporary. What’s not temporary is you both need to be honest and give your input. I think like anything in marriage, and life, you have to be honest. I’m all for laying it out there—if you can’t lay it on the line with the father of your babe, your best friend, and your partner in crime, who can you be straight with? Just tell him, flat out–”I appreciate the motive, but not the crime. Knock it off with the belly groping and playing Candace Olsen or dude, you’re gonna get sidelined and bounced into that waiting room at the delivery while some tequila drinking neighborhood troll stands in for you instead.”
If that doesn’t scare him straight, then I suggest you load up on sherpa fleece. And find a good painter.Good luck, sister friend. It’s an exciting time, and you’ve got one of the good ones!
Muffin Top Mommy, Guest TMH
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I’ll Have Kids When I Damn Well Please
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My family and friends have, for some reason, decided that my reproduction plans are very much their business, and they constantly pester my husband and me about WHEN we’re FINALLY going to have babies!? (We have only been married 3 years).
The thing is 1) We’re not ready yet and have a pretty awesome marriage without kids for now, 2) I’m still young enough that everything will be quite intact in the baby-making department for several more years and 3) Even if we were trying, I wouldn’t be telling anybody about it.
To make matters even worse, every time I’m nauseated, tired, or dizzy, they jump all over me with a “Maybe you’re PREGNANT!” which I am not.
Anyway, since I assume that “We’re just waiting because we’re concerned we’ll get one as ugly as yours” is an inappropriate response to this question, how should I respond to the “loving” people in my life when they won’t leave me alone about procreating?
Signed,
I’m Not Pregnant Today. Just Bloated.
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Dear I’m Not Pregnant Today. Just Bloated,
Oh, just go ahead and get pregnant. Why are you being so selfish? It’s the least you can do for your loved ones. Of course, they won’t be satisfied with just ONE. So you’ll need to have a few more.
Then you can spend 12 hours a day wiping noses, doing laundry, filling the dishwasher, emptying the dishwasher, realizing you never turned on the dishwasher in the first place so you’ll have to load it back up again, picking food off the floor, listening to whining, whining yourself, yelling, breaking up sibling fights, changing diapers, removing stickers from the dining room table, preparing meals and generally hiding from children.
Sure, you’ll be exhausted. And you probably won’t be able to remember that last time you and your husband had an evening out. But at least your great Aunt Liza will be happy.
OR tell everyone to suck it. Politely.
And give them a fabricated time line. Explain to your family and friends that you have decided to wait at least two more years before even trying to get pregnant. That should give you a sufficient amount of breathing room.
And when you’re nauseated, tell them it’s from eating too many rocky mountain oysters (bull testicles).
And when you’re tired, it’s from watching too many late night pornos and attending swinger parties.
And when you’re dizzy, it’s from sniffing a dozen bottles of Elmer’s Rubber Cement.
They’ll be way too concerned about your well being to even think about procreation.
Good luck,
Kelcey, TMH
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A Mouthy Housewives Giveaway!!!
The Silver Diva, which sells oh-so-sweet handmade personalized jewelry for moms and other family members, is giving away a $50 gift certificate to one lucky Mouthy Housewives reader. How amazing is that?! You will just love this jewelry. A beautiful way to keep your children’s names close to your heart or even just a way to actually remember their names.
I want to win! Oh wait, I can’t. Okay, here’s how you enter.
1. Leave a comment and make sure you mention “Silver Diva.”
2. You must also become a Facebook fan of The Silver Diva
3. And if you haven’t done so already, a Facebook fan of The Mouthy Housewives.
That’s it. Just three easy steps. Good luck, ladies!!
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You Stop Telling Me What To Do With My Lactating Boobies and I’ll Do The Same
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My sister-in-law nursed most of her kids until they were almost 4 years old. She had to wean her youngest child due to cancer since the treatment wouldn’t allow it. She recently had a miscarriage, which caused her milk to come in and she is now nursing the previously weaned child who is almost four. She claims it is helping with some ongoing health issues the child has had for the last year (thanks to not immunizing). I am totally weirded out by this. I don’t feel comfortable around it.
I know that breastfeeding is natural and what not, but I really don’t think this situation is! No one else but me and my husband seem to have a problem with this. We are expecting twins next month and are getting lectures from her on how it’s wrong that we aren’t planning to breastfeed the whole time. I want to tell her if she’s trying to convince me, that is DEFINITELY not the way to do it. I have tried to keep my mouth shut about what she’s doing, but the more she criticizes my decision, the more I want to tell her that what she’s doing is sick and wrong!! I mean really, who just starts nursing a 4-year-old child! If she really wants the benefits, couldn’t she at least pump and put it in a glass or something???
Am I wrong to be so grossed out by this? Is there anything I can say to her to get her to respect my decision and to nicely tell her that I don’t feel comfortable with what she’s doing?
Thank you,
Grossed Out
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Dear Grossed Out,
I must first advise everyone to don police riot armor and prepare for bottle feeders to chuck baby bottles at the lactivists, who are retaliating by squirting breast milk into the eyes. These things can turn ugly if you aren’t very careful.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I must say that I am a former breastfeeder, so I tend to side with other breastfeeding women. On the other hand, I was exclusively bottle-fed as a child and turned out to be highly intelligent, not to mention a first-class beauty, so I don’t think bottle-feeding is wrong either.
I’m not going to tell you if you are right or wrong to feel grossed out by your sister-in-law’s extended breastfeeding. What I will tell you is that it’s a waste of your time to keep feeling so, obviously your sister-in-law will continue on as she sees fit. Stop ruminating on it or your babies could be born with forked tails.
I think both you and your sister-in-law need to realize you haven’t lived each other’s lives. She’s been through cancer, had to wean her child in order to help SAVE HER LIFE, lost another child to miscarriage and because of it, suddenly had a second chance to nurse the child she was forced to wean. Can we really say what we would do in that situation? No, not if we’re truly honest with ourselves. I mean, if I had to face my own mortality, I would probably try to breastfeed baby Jesus.
You’re having twins and I don’t know what it’s like to try to exclusively breastfeed two babies. Who am I to judge what you should or shouldn’t do? But my sister-wife Kelcey does know. She began supplementing with formula and her twins are still absolutely gorgeous, happy, and I hear they are already solving polynomial equations.
If you can, find a way to talk with your sister-in-law about respecting each other’s choices, even if you don’t agree with them. If you want her to stop harping on your feeding choices, then you really should stop harping on hers. If this isn’t possible, then grin and bear it when she nurses, or just throw a blanket over your head so you can’t see it. When she tries to lecture you, say something dismissive, such as “Oh, who knows how long we’ll breastfeed, it’s hard to know ahead of time” (this is completely true) or “You can trust us to make the best decision for our twins” and hopefully she’ll take the hint.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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