Was It Good For You, Too? Was it? WAS IT?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My boyfriend and I recently started dating, though we have been friends for many years. The problem is now that we are sleeping together, he seems to need constant reassurance about his sexual proficiency–both in and out of the bedroom. While I think we have great sex, I am totally turned off by his insecurity and I kind of resent having to constantly reassure him. Now, rather than enjoy myself, I am always worried whether I communicate my satisfaction emphatically enough. (Honestly, if I get any MORE emphatic I’m afraid the neighbors will call the cops.)
I understand that we all need reassurance sometimes, but is there some magic phrase that will make him actually hear me when I say it’s great instead of fishing for more compliments? I want to be his girlfriend, not his life coach.
Signed,
Get oh-oh-over it
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Dear Get oh-oh over it,
I assume lighting up a post-coital cigarette isn’t a clear message of satisfaction to your boyfriend, so here’s what I suggest you do. Find a vacant billboard on the busiest street in your city and rent it out with the message, “YES, IT WAS GOOD FOR ME TOO, JOHN!”
If that isn’t enough for your boyfriend, my next suggestion is for your boyfriend to watch Dr. Phil. With deep, sage advice such as, “You’re only lonely if you’re not there for you,” I’m sure your boyfriend will be feeling sexually secure and confident in no time. Or possibly he’ll just feel confused like I do, because what in the world does Dr. Phil’s quote even mean?
And if neither of those suggestions will work, I suppose we can hope your boyfriend will naturally grow more sexually secure the longer you date. If he doesn’t, I say dump him before the co-dependent hook sinks so deep you need the Jaws of Life to extricate yourself from the relationship. Co-dependency is not a relationship game you want to play.
Besides, as Dr. Phil says, “You cannot be who and what you are unless you have a lifestyle, both internally and externally, that is designed to support that definition of self.”
(I don’t know really what that means either.)
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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I Want Your Sex Every Day of the Month
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I asked my husband what he thought about one of those agreements I’ve heard married couples trying where they have sex once a day every day for a set amount of time. I threw a month out there. It’s supposed to improve intimacy.
His reaction was a surprise. He said he didn’t know. He asked if it was still required if I was yelling at him to put his dishes away. Or if I would be wearing lingerie. In short, he wasn’t overly interested.
To quantify, we have sex probably once every two weeks. It’s hot sex and I look forward to it. Yes, I wish there was more, but I want him to initiate more. Yes, we fight once in a while (once or twice a month maybe?). I am certain, without a doubt, he is faithful. Is this a warning sign that we are in trouble? Most husbands are pretty excited for this offer, and surprised it’s even on the table. Should I be worried?
Signed,
Feeling Not So Sexy Now
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Dear Feeling Not So Sexy Now,
I actually think your husband should be grateful because this woman offered her husband sex for 365 nights in a row as his 40th birthday present. And he initially turned her down, too. Her reaction…
“I gave him the ultimate offer — the stuff of fantasy — and he said, ‘Yeah, not so much.’ Why wasn’t he jumping up and down like a kid in a candy store? Why were there no high fives? No kisses of joy and gratitude, and phrases like, ‘You’re definitely going to win ‘Wife of the Year’ with this one, honey!’”
So as you can see, there are men everywhere who are a bit weary of too much time in the sack. And women who can’t believe they are being turned down. You are not alone.
Basically, unless you’re married to a horny 18 year-old college student (and if you are, I’m seething with jealousy over here as I imagine his sweaty six-pack, toned biceps and full head of hair), a lot of husbands are not going to shout hallelujah at the chance to have obligatory sex every night of the week. It just feels too forced.
But there is no reason you can’t improve your sex life. If your husband does not want to do this one month sexathon, then ask him what he does want. And let him know you’d like him to initiate more. There are many ways to work on intimacy without missing out on all your favorite TV shows because you’re stuck in the bedroom night after night.
And it doesn’t sound like there is anything wrong with your marriage. You’re married, still have HOT sex and ONLY fight once or twice a month. Girl, you two got it going on. I promise.
Good luck to you,
Kelcey, TMH
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Help! I’m Stuck On Mount Crushmore!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m very attracted to a friend’s husband. I’m happily married, and would never, ever act on it, of course. But how do I get rid of this crush? It’s making me feel silly and uncomfortable.
Signed,
Krush Killer
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Dear Krush Killer,
I want you to close your eyes for a moment and picture Mr. Crush in your head. Think about his warm, brown eyes, his strong hands, his sexy laugh, the way he trims his hedges with the style and grace of a young, hot Sean Connery. Ahhh… delicious, isn’t he? It’s really no wonder why you’ve fallen so hard for your friend’s perfect husband.
Now I want you to close your eyes again. This time, picture Mr. Crush sprawled out on your couch wearing nothing but dingy underwear and black socks. Keep looking as he loudly scratches his belly, burps like a rabid gorilla, then wanders over to the kitchen where instead of putting his cereal bowl in the dishwasher, he carelessly plops it in the sink knowing that the little lady’ll take care of it for him like she always does.
White-hot crush staring to fade a bit?
The truth is, we all sometimes find someone besides our mate attractive. Chalk it up to chemistry, or animal lust, or too much wine mixed with black market diet pills. Crushes are normal, and usually illogical. And since you claim you’re “happily married,” I’m assuming there doesn’t seem to be any deep-seated displeasure with your husband or any danger of you acting upon these feelings.
Therefore, might I suggest you simply repeat the second part of the visualization exercise I mentioned above a few times a day. Maybe add in a few images of Mr. Crush throwing his dirty socks on the ground, picking lint out of his misshapen belly button, and doing the white-man’s underbite to “Louie Louie” at your class reunion, too. Ewww! you’ll think. He’s disgusting! He’s repulsive! He’s making me nauseated! He’s nowhere near as cute as—my husband.
Problem solved.
Love,
Wendi, TMH
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Karate Kid Said “Wax On, Wax Off” But He Wasn’t Referring To Lady Bits
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m back on the dating market after a long, drawn-out divorce and eager to meet a new guy. I know this is a little ridiculous, but my question is: do men prefer natural hair down below, or the 100% waxed, Brazilian look? And why?
Signed,
To Wax or Not to Wax
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Dear Wax No Wax,
Here at the Mouthy Housewives, we go that extra mile for our readers. So I decided to conduct a formal research project by polling men on this topic. I selected all of the men in my Facebook friends list and asked if they preferred a nude hoo-haa or a naturally hairy one and why. Two days later I find myself with no male friends on Facebook. I don’t understand what happened?
But who needs Facebook?! While at the library, I polled the men who happened to be there that day, which most were on an outing from an assisted living facility. I don’t think the elderly know what a Brazlian wax job is because they kept telling me to wash my mouth out with soap. What does that have to do with pubic hair?
In the end I could only get poll results from my husband and one of his friends. My research shows the following:
50% of men prefer a well-groomed natural look since a fully denuded hoo-haa reminds them of a prepubescent girl.
50% of men prefer a Brazilian waxed hoo-haa for its cleanliness and ease of maneuverability.
Are you wondering what in the world “ease of maneuverability” means in terms of lady bits? Me too! Then I realized that particular male subject is a close descendant of Sasquatch, thus having enough body hair for two people. Add any more hair into the mix and the friction creates a fire hazard.
So unless you are dating Sasquatch’s great great-grandson, I say it’s up to you. Some women swear the Brazilian upkeep brings more pleasure, and while I don’t reject the hypothesis, I do reject the pain, especially if the man doesn’t reciprocate by also waxing his manly bits. A full Brazilian, a bushy Sasquatch, or somewhere in between, discover your preference and forget the men.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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Talking to Kids About That Thing
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband recently had the sex talk with our 11-year-old son. My husband said that it went well. Unfortunately, when I asked him if he told our son that it is okay to masturbate, he looked at me like I was insane and said that no way was he “going there.” He feels like this is something that people just know and that they don’t need permission. I think that it’s wrong to assume that, but I also think that it would be better coming from my husband than from me.
What do you think?
Signed,
I am a Girl, Don’t Make Me Do It
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Dear Girl,
Masturbation is like meth. We all do it, but no one talks about it.
Let me lend you a hand with this one. Your husband doesn’t feel comfortable telling your son that it’s OK to date Mrs. Palmer because his father never told him. Why not call your father-in-law to discuss this lapse in his parenting? It’s not too late to recreate that all-important father-son moment for your husband! If his father is not available (like if he is no longer with us, or upon hearing your request, denies paternity), I recommend asking another male role model to step in to assure your husband. Perhaps a friend, or even a co-worker would work in a pinch. Feel free to brainstorm with some girlfriends.
Now that we got the awkwardness out of the way, let’s attack this head on.
You and your husband need to relay the message that masturbation is a normal and healthy part of sexual development. This also would be a wonderful time to discuss issues such as privacy, closing the door, and knocking on any closed door. If your husband refuses to talk to your son about it, you may have to grab the bull by the horns yourself.
Try to be direct about it. Say, “I don’t think your dad mentioned it, but masturbation is a normal and healthy activity.” It may be awkward, but the awkwardness is a small price to pay for your child not feeling conflicted or guilt-ridden over something normal and natural. Also, reassure your son that unless he raises the issue with you or his father, you will never bring it up again.
If you prefer the less direct route, consider saying, “hey, did you hear about the 15 best songs about masturbation list? Want me to leave the link on your Facebook wall?”
He will probably decline, but a beautiful conversation may blossom.
Good luck!
Marinka, TMH
