My Boyfriend Prefers His Hand Over Me!
Hold on to your lattes, ladies, because we’ve got a guest Mouthy Housewife on deck today. Miss Yvonne of Yo Mama’s Blog is bringin’ the sass, the spunk, and the spumante! (I hope, anyway. What else am I going to do with all of this orange juice?) She makes me laugh on the regular with her no-holds-barred humor, and really knows how to pull off a mustache. So, without further ado, let’s hear what Miss Yvonne has to say about jerking off! –Kristine
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My boyfriend is masturbating when I am home. We have sex 2-3 times a week, and he knows I want more than that, but he still sometimes chooses to masturbate. Is there something wrong with our relationship where he won’t come to me instead?
Don’t get me wrong: I know guys masturbate, and it doesn’t bother me if he does it when I’m “not available” so to speak, but sometimes this interferes with our sex life. I’ll try to initiate and he won’t get hard, or I won’t be able to get him off because he’s already relieved himself. This makes me feel incredibly inadequate.
I’ve told him specifically how him masturbating with me in the next room, awake, and willing, hurts my feelings, but that doesn’t seem to matter. I don’t want to live my life feeling inadequate for the man I love. What should I do?
Signed,
Sexually Frustrated
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Dear Sexually Frustrated,
First let me say that I feel your pain, as can most women at some point in their lives. You are not alone in your feelings of inadequacy, but take heart because all is not lost.
Based on your email, I’m assuming that your boyfriend is fairly open with you about his masturbating, ummm…schedule. This is a good sign. This means he feels comfortable with you knowing that he’s in the other room wanking it. He’s not hiding it or feeling ashamed of what he is doing. This bodes well for your relationship and probably means he’s not in there watching some kind of deviant porn or having phone sex.
I know it hurts when your man seems more interested in his hand than you. But it isn’t about you. It’s about him, getting his rocks off quickly without having to engage in foreplay or worrying about if he’s going to be able to get you off before he’s done. It doesn’t mean he wants to cheat on you, doesn’t love you or doesn’t find you sexually attractive. In fact, since you’re doing it 2-3 times per week, I would say it’s the exact opposite.
As long as you have a great relationship in all other aspects, he’s not isolating himself from you and doesn’t jerk off more than once or twice a day, then things are probably okay. Try to remember that men just aren’t as evolved as women (apologies to my husband). They think about food, sex and cars…not necessarily in that order…with a bit of work, family, and miscellaneous thrown in there. They don’t obsess over things like we do. What I’m saying is that sometimes a wank is just a wank.
Now, if having sex 2-3 times a week is just not cutting it for you (ah, I remember those days), then maybe you need to step up your game. Take the reins, mama! Initiate a quickie before getting ready for work in the morning. Send him flirty text messages during the day telling him you can’t wait to get home and do naughty things to him. Dress up as his favorite fantasy character (Princess Leia in the gold bikini anyone?). If he watches porn (of course he does), ask him to watch some with you in bed.
And if that doesn’t work, tell him you’ll give him more blow jobs if he stops jerking off so much. Works for me, every time.
Signed,
Miss Yvonne, Guest TMH
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The War To Save Our Sex Life
It’s time for a Mouthy Housewives guest post! Today we have the wonderful and the British Betty Herbert giving sex advice. Because I’ve exhausted my knowledge on the subject last week. And Betty just happens to have written a book about it. Enjoy the wisdom and don’t forget to visit Betty’s site! -Marinka
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am a military wife. We’ve been married for four years and my husband is currently deployed (it has only been 9 months). Since we’ve known each other, our sex life has been really almost non-existent. Every time we’ve had sex, I have initiated everything and to make things worse we never finish either.
He always seems to find an excuse to avoid the subject and only seems to react to it when I get really quiet and he finally realizes it bothers me.
What can I do? How can I help us? Especially when I find his porn collection, and to my surprise, these girls look nothing like me. I am a very feminine, petite Latina/Asian girl while he watches muscular girls with huge breasts.
Should I be freaking out at this point??? The reason I mention the 9 months is because after 9 months of not seeing each other, talking on the phone about how much he misses me and can’t wait to come home and have some ”quality time” with me (if you know what i mean), he came home and didn’t even acknowledge our sex life at all… Can you tell by now I am desperate?
Signed,
Military Wife
____________________________
Dear Military Wife,
This sounds like no fun at all, but try not to freak out just yet. Instead, let’s delve into the murky depths of male psychology.
It’s hard being a man, and not just during ‘flu season. Imagine the pressure: the whole world expects you to be super-horny all the time. This may have been true when you were a teenage boy, but as you get older, well. It’s just not the same any more. Sometimes a nice cup of tea and a sit down seems preferable.
Can most men admit this? Can they heck! Outwardly, they have to keep rambling on like some priapic maniac. Inwardly, they’re wondering what’s wrong with them. Some men just don’t have a very high sex drive. It’s as simple as that.
And after a 9-month gap, imagine the pressure! Your hubby knows you’re expecting a wild explosion of testosterone. Maybe he’s getting a little performance anxiety.
Don’t be perturbed by the porn – in fact, it might give us a bit of a clue about what’s going on here. Could he possibly have you on a bit of a pedestal? Are you maybe the kind of woman that he wants to take good care of, rather than give a good seeing-to? What I mean to say is: you don’t happen to look anything like his mother or his sister, do you?
Unfortunately, the only way to sort this out is the hard way – talking it over. Good luck to you, missus. There’s a good chance he won’t react very well when you first raise the issue. But be gentle, be kind, be persistent, and be ready to turn the other cheek if he gets angry. Explain that this is all because you really, really want him.
We all tend to see sex as very goal-oriented: erection -> orgasm -> ejaculation. Too often, that takes all the fun out of it. Maybe you could try to experiment with some NPS – which means non-penetrative sex, but can also mean no-pressure sex. I love Barbara Carrellas’s Urban Tantra for great tips on mind-blowing things to do with your hands. And as – ahem – my book shows, you can definitely bring sex back from the dead with some time and effort.
Good luck! Try to keep your sense of humour, and, hey, maybe invest in a little porn stash of your own to pass the time while he’s away?
Betty x
(Who would henceforth like to be known as the Frisky English Housewife)
(post contains an Amazon affiliate link)
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Sex Math
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My fiancé and I have always had amazing sex, for the first three years of our relationship we were intimate two or three times a day every day. For the past year he has become un-interested in sex and more interested in cuddling in front of the TV, which I love to do, after sex.
Things have slowed down a lot, and I am starting to feel neglected. He is 29 and I am 28, is it normal for a man to lose so much sex drive? I’ve tried dressing up, wearing lingerie and even porn! The most I get is me on top for 5 or 8 minutes two or three times a week. We are both fitness nuts (I am a yoga teacher beside my normal job) and I am insanely attracted to my man, I just wish he reciprocated my advances. HELP!!!
Signed,
What Do I Do
______________________
Dear Do Me,
Oh great, a math question. Fine.
Let’s say 2.5 times a day, every day for a year. That’s 912.5 sexes a year. Times three years, and we’re up to 2737.5. You don’t happen to remember what that .5 was, do you? It’s kind of bugging me. (Also, I now have my Lotto numbers! I’m out of this joint, suckers!)
Due to excessive sex over the last three years, I suspect that you broke his penis or have already had your lifetime allotment of sex. And probably some other people’s as well. (Thanks a LOT, by the way.)
So, definitely get him a check up. But most importantly, talk to him.
It may be unrealistic to expect the three times a day sex (when did you get your TV viewing in?!) but if you’re feeling neglected, you need to have an intimacy discussion.
Some couples may find it awkward to have a candid conversation about sex; they expect it to just happen after all, but it’s worth talking about.
Discuss the things that you can do to get those numbers up (we have quotas to meet here, people!) and see if you can agree on a challenge. A friend of The Mouthy Housewives, Betty wrote a wonderful book documenting the 52 Seductions that she and her husband shared. Some great (and tried and true) ideas there.
So start talking. Find out if the two of you are going through a phase or something else is happening. And then turn off the TV. (Yes, it does pain me to type that.)
Good luck,
Marinka, TMH
This post contains an Amazon affiliate link.
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My OB/GYN is Selling Sex Toys?!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I haven’t been very good about going to my OB since my son was born. I even lost his number. So I googled him and I found out he now sells sex toys out of his office. Things like vibrators, cock rings and butt plugs. Oh my gosh. Should I find a new OB/GYN or is this kind of thing okay? I really like my OB/GYN but not sure if I groove with his new side business.
Signed,
I Just Wanted a Pap Smear
_____________________________________
Dear Pap (Can I call you that?),
I once knew a single girl who made out with her hot married Podiatrist. Of course, this has absolutely nothing to do with your issue except they both go under the heading, “Weird crap that can happen when you go to the doctor.” And I also had to share because, can you believe she made out with her hot married Podiatrist?!! I guess he liked her feet.
Anyway, I’m a big fan of multi-tasking. I mean, who doesn’t love getting your eyebrows threaded, your bikini waxed and your hair highlighted all in one salon visit? So now you can just get more done at your OB/GYN. Vaginal exam? Check. Breast examination? Check. Picked out new 3 speed vibrator? Check. See what I mean? It’s a real time saver.
I actually don’t think an OB/GYN’s office is the craziest place to sell sex toys. As long as your doctor isn’t hawking his wares in the middle of an examination, it seems fine to me. After all, he’s doling out birth control, fertility medicine and treating STDs. So there is already a lot of talk about sex in his office.
But if it feels strange to you to buy a sex toy at the same place you hand over your insurance co-pay, then find another doctor. You know, one that doesn’t have butt plugs available on demand. But if he’s a great doctor, I wouldn’t let this bother you at all.
Either way, go get yourself a pap smear. Stat.
Signed,
Kelcey, TMH
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Mouthing Off: Toddler T&A!
Toddlers & Tiaras has really taken the cake recently for the portrayal of toddlers in their beauty pageants. Of course, we should point out that they haven’t yet (YET) had a preschooler pop out of an actual cake. Recently, however, they had a three-year-old dressed up like Julia Roberts’ hooker character from Pretty Woman and a four-year-old entertain as Dolly Parton, complete with cleavage and junk in the trunk. Even TMZ was horrified!
The fact that young girls love the the movie Pretty Woman is a bit disturbing in and of itself – hello, Julia is a hooker! Now, we aren’t saying prostitutes don’t deserve love, happiness and fabulous jewelry, but should little girls dream of walking the streets in order to snag a Prince Charming? Is this realistic? Or, more to the point, is it appropriate? Apparently pageant mom, Wendy Dickey (no relation to TMH Wendi…that we know of…), thinks that it is. She recently dressed her toddler in a pint-sized version of Julia’s hooker costume from the movie! She went on to support this decision by stating that she also dressed her as the “classy” version of Julia (you know, after Richard Gere has saved her and cleaned her up) later in the show. Well, that makes everything better. Oh, wait. No. The character is still from a movie about a HOOKER! (An aside: Julia Roberts was only paid $300,000 for her part in the film. Poor actress. What ever happened to her?)
Wendy (not Wendi) went on to defend her choice by insisting that her daughter had no idea what the costume signified. Well, all we can say is that it’s a good thing there’s no photographic or video evidence that may pop up later in the child’s life. Whew. That was a close one.
As if purposefully making up your toddler like a prostitute isn’t dig-your-eyeballs-out-with-an-ice-cream-scoop ridiculous enough, another woman, Lindsay Jackson, dressed her daughter up as an anatomically correct Dolly Parton! We’ll just let that set in for a second. Yes, to play the country singing icon the four-year-old was given C-cup padded breasts and an ample derriere (We believe Beyonce would call it Bootylicious? Scratch that, we’re pretty sure Beyonce would say: “Oh hell NO, The House of Dereon does NOT do that!”). Now, we love Dolly as much as the next person but we’re pretty sure that even the Dollywood owner, who once said “I modeled my looks on the town tramp,” would agree that this was not good judgment.
Sadly, the tale of so-disturbing-we-must-chug-an-entire-box-of-Fraznia-and-do-you-know-how-much-this-wreaks-havoc-on-our-GERD? toddler clothing is not finished. There is a French company, Jours Après Lunes, that has just come out with a line of lingerie for young girls. Not teenagers. Little children! Even their ad campaign has the little girls all vamped up, prancing around in lace “bras” and panties with bed head and jewelry! When did it become acceptable for little girls to be paraded around like sex objects? Even the poses in the ads are extremely suggestive. Frankly, if the police should confiscate our computer here at TMH (We don’t know why they would. We have most certainly NOT been been playing Canasta with Tobey Maguire, Ben Affleck, and Leonardo DiCaprio) we’d have some serious ‘splainin’ to do once they found these images in our history. Perhaps the French have been watching too much Toddler & Tiaras?
What do you think? Are we getting our Spanx’ed derrieres in a twist over nothing?
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