Help Me Turn My Husband OFF
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My husband is at me ALL THE TIME to get it on. I cannot walk from the shower to my room wrapped in a towel anymore for fear of being jumped. He is totally out of control. By day he is a boring suit, but even when I suggest I have the chafe or a boil on my butt, nothing stops him from pestering the crap out of me. I think I am going to get a night job. Surely my sisters in the USA have a bit of advice for a sufferer from down under?
Best Wishes,
Mrs. Woog
P.S. He is out this evening; it is my version of a stay of execution.
P.P.S. I am not 22 and perky. I am 36 and saggy.
________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Mrs. Woog,
I’m sorry to hear your husband frequently overdoses on Viagra. It must be a difficult way to live. Surely they have support groups for that? I mean, they have a hair club for bald men. There must be one for men with frequent and long-lasting boners.
Now, while you search for a local chapter of Flaccid Friends, I have a few practical yet world-shattering suggestions for turning off your husband. For beginners, stop walking from the shower to your room in just a towel. Are you insane? Any married woman who does that is just asking for trouble. Walk from the shower to your room dressed as your mother-in-law instead. Best sex repellent ever.
Also, stop lying to your husband. He knows you don’t have “the chafe” (What is that? We don’t have it in America) or a boil on your butt. I suggest you contract ringworm on your butt. He may not believe you even then (after all of the lying), but he’ll damn sure believe you from then on!
Or you could simply call out another man’s name during sex. I say man’s name, because if you called out a woman’s name, that would have the opposite affect and turn him on even more.
Take these suggestions and you’re guaranteed to spend many sexless nights in the future – just like most normal women in their mid-thirties!
Signed,
Heather, TMH
21 Comments <-- Click to comment
Leave My Friends Out of Your Fantasies!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have the classic ‘caught my bf w/porn’ situation, but with a twist. I am not that comfortable with any kind of porn, but he has accidentally left it on his computer screen (downloads of ALL kinds) and I have somewhat given up caring even though it still stings just a little bit. But what really killed me was when I found a picture (downloaded from Facebook) of one of my best friends opened on the computer screen. Trying to keep an open mind, I thought of different situations that might require him to have said pic (other than jerking off), but when I looked at where the pic was coming from it was in a folder with all his other porn with EVERY SINGLE WOMAN I know in it. I was disgusted!!
It left some awful mental images that still hurt and still make it hard to look at my friends in the eye. I tearfully confronted him about it, and he said he was sorry and deleted it ALL (even the “regular” porn). I am trying to accept that porn is ‘normal,’ but I thought he knew that I was NOT comfortable with the friend thing AT ALL. Then today I just found a folder filled with pictures of another friend of ours—pics of her, her with husband (his bff), her with her child- – stored in his porn collection.
I am hurt, again. I love him, and he is caring and wonderful, but this TOTALLY pisses me off. Because it’s someone I know. Is this normal? Am I right to be upset? I understand guys love to masturbate, but that is not the issue that I am concerned about. It’s more that he likes to do it to my pictures of my/our friends. THAT is what totally bothers me – am I crazy? Advice PLEASE!!!
Signed,
Perplexed
____________________________
Dear Perplexed,
Good lord, my picture wasn’t there, was it? Because I have a face that has launched a thousand…anyway. I firmly believe that people should masturbate to whatever thoughts/images they want, as long as I don’t have to know about it. But you already do know about it, and it’s going to be hard to unring that bell.
Yes, I’ve heard that guys love to masturbate, and I’ve even read a rumor that women enjoy it too. But that doesn’t mean that you need to be okay with your boyfriend’s masturbating to family portraits of your friends and loved ones. Because that crosses all sorts of lines of common decency and normal behavior and totally gags me.
There are two (ish) problems that I see here.
1. You don’t like the idea of porn, whereas your boyfriend seems to have overcome his discomfort with it.
2. You are superduper uncomfortable with the idea of his having sexual thoughts about every person you have ever met.
The “ish” part comes in because you were snooping in his computer. Which is a huge sign of mistrust. And you were rewarded for your detective work with a confirmation that he’s back to his habits.
You describe your boyfriend as caring and wonderful and he very well may be, but it doesn’t make him a good match for you. Because his behavior is upsetting and hurtful to you, and in my cyber-professional opinion, it’s unlikely to change. If you want to salvage the relationship, I recommend scheduling a few sessions with a couples therapist to air the issues between you. If this is behavior that he can change, he will need to make the decision to do so. Otherwise, you should save yourself a lifetime of hiding holiday photo cards and move on.
Good luck,
Marinka, TMH
10 Comments <-- Click to comment
Am I Going Sex Crazy?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve been happily married for over five years now, but my husband is gone a LOT (he’s in the military.) For some reason, I’ve suddenly found myself being attracted to young, cute guys lately. I’m nearly 35-years-old, and they’re usually just legal enough to buy their own drinks. I’m even flirting a little! I don’t ever plan on cheating, but I can’t seem to quit LOOKING (and drooling and acting kinda foolish!) Tell me this is normal for a woman my age and I’m not going some kind of sex crazy… please?
Signed,
Momma’s Gettin’ Old
_________________________________________________________________________
Dear Momma’s Gettin’ Old,
You almost had me at “Hello” (or Dear Mouthy Housewives), but then you had to sign with “Momma’s Gettin’ Old” and as a 36-year-old myself, I don’t know what to do with that. You have completely vaporized my fantasy that 22-year-old guys find me attractive at my age. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Now I ought to tell you that you are going some kind of sex crazy as retribution.
But no, if we Mouthy Housewives pride ourselves on anything (other than our tolerance for alcohol) it’s our honesty. You are not going sex crazy. It’s only your biological clock gasping its last breath. Your reproductive hormones are now operating on hyperdrive, physically demanding that you make babies with young, healthy, fertile men before it’s too late. This experience is like hospice for your ovaries, really. At least that’s what I tell myself every 14 days when the shirtless 20something guy is cutting grass and I suddenly find the inspiration to clean the outside windows. In my tankini.
So relax. You aren’t developing a psychological sex disorder and what you are feeling is perfectly normal. For a perimenopausal cougar, anyway.
Rawr,
Heather, TMH
6 Comments <-- Click to comment
Married Sex, Better.
It’s Guest Mouthy Housewife Friday and we’re going all international on you. Emma from Belgian Waffle is guest advising today, which is great news because she’s smart and funny. And across the pond. Please enjoy the post and when you check out her blog, don’t forget to get a load of the Weepette.
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I had a recent girls’ dinner (with a lot of wine) and it turns out that none of us are having much sex these days. We’re all married and we certainly are sexually active with our husbands but it’s all so bland and ordinary. We all miss the excitement of dating someone new. Please don’t us to buy some lingerie and try some sex toys because that ain’t going to turn my guy into the hot cabana boy at our local pool club. Any new ideas for this age old problem?
In Quest of Better Married Sex
______________________________
Dear Quest,
Hmm. Good question.
Firstly, as someone who no longer has any married sex – due to no longer being married – let me tell you, it’s probably a lot better than you realise. Only since I escaped the cosy bubble of my 15 year marriage, did I realise* that there are a lot of men out there who are either into weird stuff; or simply a bit rubbish in bed. The wild, erotic experiences I fondly imagined myself having have frequently broken down in reality to 50% embarrassment, 25% WTF, 5% erotically satisfying, 20% more embarrassment. I may score particularly highly on embarrassment because I’m British, but I still stand by my assertion that sex with someone new isn’t automatically better just because it’s novel. Forget about the cabana boy. He probably likes to be wrapped in saran wrap and peed on, whilst listening to Barry Manilow.
Ok, married sex won’t always be the acme of erotic experience. You’re tired, you’re wearing fleecy pyjamas, he hasn’t showered and he seems more interested in finishing his third ninja level sudoku puzzle of the evening, the kids have escaped from their bedrooms and are scratching at your door demanding snacks. Even so, it has a stack of good points.
Good things about married sex:
1. No weird surprises.
2. Your partner knows what you like (if they don’t something is terribly wrong or you are British. I can say that, I’m British).
3. No need for extreme (any?) feats of grooming/depilating.
4. No need to pretend to be incredibly acrobatic and turned on by any weird surprises.
5. Can be used as a currency or bargaining chip in important domestic debates.
6. Rarely lasts long enough to stop you watching your favourite tv shows.
So. Married sex = good. If you want to think of some ways to make it even better, you’re asking the wrong person (I’m British, remember). However, I can recommend you check out this absolutely excellent blog where a woman and her husband have set each other the challenge of seducing one another in a variety of ways weekly over the course of a year. It’s funny, well-written, and it also has some great ideas of realistic ways to have a bit of fun with your sex life without falling into cliches.
Now go away, I’m blushing.
Good luck,
Emma, Guest TMH
(*Based on my limited sample group and on research with friends. I’m no Anaïs Nin. I’m British, remember?)
12 Comments <-- Click to comment
Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby
It’s Day Four of The Mouthy Housewives’ first birthday celebration! Today, Heather poses a problem all parents must face at some point. Get ready to channel your inner Dr. Ruth and lend her a hand! (German accent not required.)
Dear TMH readers,
I have a parenting dilemma that just the thought of sends me running for the hills. Okay, more like running for the liquor store, but whatever.
My oldest son is 9.5 years old and soon we’ll have to have THE SEX TALK with him. How does one go about crushing the innocence of childhood? Do I leave it up to his father? Is this a joint parenting venture where we talk to him together? Do I, like my mom and dad, just give him a book with corny illustrations of genitals and childbirth?
How do you look at your child after explaining that his father put his hmpf into your hmpf and tada! that’s how babies are made?
(Hold me. Better yet, hold the orange juice while I pour the vodka.)
Signed,
Heather
