Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My boyfriend is masturbating when I am home. We have sex 2-3 times a week, and he knows I want more than that, but he still sometimes chooses to masturbate. Is there something wrong with our relationship where he won’t come to me instead?

Don’t get me wrong: I know guys masturbate, and it doesn’t bother me if he does it when I’m “not available” so to speak, but sometimes this interferes with our sex life. I’ll try to initiate and he won’t get hard, or I won’t be able to get him off because he’s already relieved himself. This makes me feel incredibly inadequate.

I’ve told him specifically how him masturbating with me in the next room, awake, and willing, hurts my feelings, but that doesn’t seem to matter. I don’t want to live my life feeling inadequate for the man I love. What should I do?

Signed,

Sexually Frustrated

__________________________________________

Dear Sexually Frustrated,

First let me say that I feel your pain, as can most women at some point in their lives. You are not alone in your feelings of inadequacy, but take heart because all is not lost.

Based on your email, I’m assuming that your boyfriend is fairly open with you about his masturbating, ummm…schedule.  This is a good sign.  This means he feels comfortable with you knowing that he’s in the other room wanking it.  He’s not hiding it or feeling ashamed of what he is doing.  This bodes well for your relationship and probably means he’s not in there watching some kind of deviant porn or having phone sex.

I know it hurts when your man seems more interested in his hand than you.  But it isn’t about you.  It’s about him, getting his rocks off quickly without having to engage in foreplay or worrying about if he’s going to be able to get you off before he’s done. It doesn’t mean he wants to cheat on you, doesn’t love you or doesn’t find you sexually attractive.  In fact, since you’re doing it 2-3 times per week, I would say it’s the exact opposite.

As long as you have a great relationship in all other aspects, he’s not isolating himself from you and doesn’t jerk off more than once or twice a day, then things are probably okay.  Try to remember that men just aren’t as evolved as women (apologies to my husband).  They think about food, sex and cars…not necessarily in that order…with a bit of work, family, and miscellaneous thrown in there. They don’t obsess over things like we do. What I’m saying is that sometimes a wank is just a wank.

Now, if having sex 2-3 times a week is just not cutting it for you (ah, I remember those days), then maybe you need to step up your game. Take the reins, mama!  Initiate a quickie before getting ready for work in the morning.  Send him flirty text messages during the day telling him you can’t wait to get home and do naughty things to him.  Dress up as his favorite fantasy character (Princess Leia in the gold bikini anyone?).  If he watches porn (of course he does), ask him to watch some with you in bed.

And if that doesn’t work, tell him you’ll give him more blow jobs if he stops jerking off so much.  Works for me, every time.

Signed,

Miss Yvonne, Guest TMH

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I am a military wife. We’ve been married for four years and my husband is currently deployed (it has only been 9 months). Since we’ve known each other, our sex life has been really almost non-existent. Every time we’ve had sex, I have initiated everything and to make things worse we never finish either.

He always seems to find an excuse to avoid the subject and only seems to react to it when I get really quiet and he finally realizes it bothers me.

What can I do? How can I help us? Especially when I find his porn collection, and to my surprise, these girls look nothing like me. I am a very feminine, petite Latina/Asian girl while he watches muscular girls with huge breasts.

Should I be freaking out at this point??? The reason I mention the 9 months is because after 9 months of not seeing each other, talking on the phone about how much he misses me and can’t wait to come home and have some ”quality time” with me (if you know what i mean), he came home and didn’t even acknowledge our sex life at all… Can you tell by now I am desperate?

Signed,

Military Wife
____________________________

Dear Military Wife,

This sounds like no fun at all, but try not to freak out just yet. Instead, let’s delve into the murky depths of male psychology.

It’s hard being a man, and not just during ‘flu season. Imagine the pressure: the whole world expects you to be super-horny all the time. This may have been true when you were a teenage boy, but as you get older, well. It’s just not the same any more. Sometimes a nice cup of tea and a sit down seems preferable.

Can most men admit this? Can they heck! Outwardly, they have to keep rambling on like some priapic maniac. Inwardly, they’re wondering what’s wrong with them. Some men just don’t have a very high sex drive. It’s as simple as that.

And after a 9-month gap, imagine the pressure! Your hubby knows you’re expecting a wild explosion of testosterone. Maybe he’s getting a little performance anxiety.

Don’t be perturbed by the porn – in fact, it might give us a bit of a clue about what’s going on here. Could he possibly have you on a bit of a pedestal? Are you maybe the kind of woman that he wants to take good care of, rather than give a good seeing-to? What I mean to say is: you don’t happen to look anything like his mother or his sister, do you?

Unfortunately, the only way to sort this out is the hard way – talking it over. Good luck to you, missus. There’s a good chance he won’t react very well when you first raise the issue. But be gentle, be kind, be persistent, and be ready to turn the other cheek if he gets angry. Explain that this is all because you really, really want him.

We all tend to see sex as very goal-oriented: erection -> orgasm -> ejaculation. Too often, that takes all the fun out of it. Maybe you could try to experiment with some NPS – which means non-penetrative sex, but can also mean no-pressure sex. I love Barbara Carrellas’s Urban Tantra for great tips on mind-blowing things to do with your hands.  And as – ahem – my book shows, you can definitely bring sex back from the dead with some time and effort.

Good luck! Try to keep your sense of humour, and, hey, maybe invest in a little porn stash of your own to pass the time while he’s away?

Betty x
(Who would henceforth like to be known as the Frisky English Housewife)

(post contains an Amazon affiliate link)

My fiancé and I have always had amazing sex, for the first three years of our relationship we were intimate two or three times a day every day. For the past year he has become un-interested in sex and more interested in cuddling in front of the TV, which I love to do, after sex.

Things have slowed down a lot, and I am starting to feel neglected. He is 29 and I am 28, is it normal for a man to lose so much sex drive? I’ve tried dressing up, wearing lingerie and even porn! The most I get is me on top for 5 or 8 minutes two or three times a week. We are both fitness nuts (I am a yoga teacher beside my normal job) and I am insanely attracted to my man, I just wish he reciprocated my advances. HELP!!!

Signed,

What Do I Do

______________________

Dear Do Me,

Oh great, a math question.  Fine.

Let’s say 2.5 times a day, every day for a year.  That’s 912.5 sexes a year.  Times three years, and we’re up to 2737.5.  You don’t happen to remember what that .5 was, do you? It’s kind of bugging me. (Also, I now have my Lotto numbers! I’m out of this joint, suckers!)

Due to excessive sex over the last three years, I suspect that you broke his penis or have already had your lifetime allotment of sex. And probably some other people’s as well. (Thanks a LOT, by the way.)

So, definitely get him a check up. But most importantly, talk to him.

It may be unrealistic to expect the three times a day sex (when did you get your TV viewing in?!) but if you’re feeling neglected, you need to have an intimacy discussion.

Some couples may find it awkward to have a candid conversation about sex; they expect it to just happen after all, but it’s worth talking about.

Discuss the things that you can do to get those numbers up (we have quotas to meet here, people!) and see if you can agree on a challenge. A friend of The Mouthy Housewives, Betty wrote a wonderful book documenting the 52 Seductions that she and her husband shared. Some great (and tried and true) ideas there.

So start talking. Find out if the two of you are going through a phase or something else is happening. And then turn off the TV. (Yes, it does pain me to type that.)

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH
This post contains an Amazon affiliate link.

I haven’t been very good about going to my OB since my son was born. I even lost his number. So I googled him and I found out he now sells sex toys out of his office.  Things like vibrators, cock rings and butt plugs. Oh my gosh. Should I find a new OB/GYN or is this kind of thing okay? I really like my OB/GYN but not sure if I groove with his new side business.

Signed,

I Just Wanted a Pap Smear

_____________________________________

Dear Pap (Can I call you that?),

I once knew a single girl who made out with her hot married Podiatrist. Of course, this has absolutely nothing to do with your issue except they both go under the heading, “Weird crap that can happen when you go to the doctor.” And I also had to share because, can you believe she made out with her hot married Podiatrist?!!  I guess he liked her feet.

Anyway, I’m a big fan of multi-tasking. I mean, who doesn’t love getting your eyebrows threaded, your bikini waxed and your hair highlighted all in one salon visit?  So now you can just get more done at your OB/GYN. Vaginal exam? Check. Breast examination? Check. Picked out new 3 speed vibrator? Check.  See what I mean? It’s a real time saver.

I actually don’t think an OB/GYN’s office is the craziest place to sell sex toys. As long as your doctor isn’t hawking his wares in the middle of an examination, it seems fine to me. After all, he’s doling out birth control, fertility medicine and treating STDs. So there is already a lot of talk about sex in his office.

But if it feels strange to you to buy a sex toy at the same place you hand over your insurance co-pay, then find another doctor. You know, one that doesn’t have butt plugs available on demand. But if he’s a great doctor, I wouldn’t let this bother you at all.

Either way, go get yourself a pap smear. Stat.

Signed,

Kelcey, TMH

The fact that young girls love the the movie Pretty Woman is a bit disturbing in and of itself – hello, Julia is a hooker! Now, we aren’t saying prostitutes don’t deserve love, happiness and fabulous jewelry, but should little girls dream of walking the streets in order to snag a Prince Charming? Is this realistic? Or, more to the point, is it appropriate? Apparently pageant mom, Wendy Dickey (no relation to TMH Wendi…that we know of…), thinks that it is. She recently dressed her toddler in a pint-sized version of Julia’s hooker costume from the movie! She went on to support this decision by stating that she also dressed her as the “classy” version of Julia (you know, after Richard Gere has saved her and cleaned her up) later in the show.  Well, that makes everything better. Oh, wait. No. The character is still from a movie about a HOOKER! (An aside: Julia Roberts was only paid $300,000 for her part in the film. Poor actress. What ever happened to her?)

Image Source

Wendy (not Wendi) went on to defend her choice by insisting that her daughter had no idea what the costume signified. Well, all we can say is that it’s a good thing there’s no photographic or video evidence that may pop up later in the child’s life. Whew. That was a close one.

As if purposefully making up your toddler like a prostitute isn’t dig-your-eyeballs-out-with-an-ice-cream-scoop ridiculous enough, another woman, Lindsay Jackson, dressed her daughter up as an anatomically correct Dolly Parton! We’ll just let that set in for a second. Yes, to play the country singing icon the four-year-old was given C-cup padded breasts and an ample derriere (We believe Beyonce would call it Bootylicious? Scratch that, we’re pretty sure Beyonce would say: “Oh hell NO, The House of Dereon does NOT do that!”). Now, we love Dolly as much as the next person but we’re pretty sure that even the Dollywood owner, who once said “I modeled my looks on the town tramp,” would agree that this was not good judgment.

Image Source

Sadly, the tale of so-disturbing-we-must-chug-an-entire-box-of-Fraznia-and-do-you-know-how-much-this-wreaks-havoc-on-our-GERD? toddler clothing is not finished. There is a French company, Jours Après Lunes, that has just come out with a line of lingerie for young girls. Not teenagers. Little children! Even their ad campaign has the little girls all vamped up, prancing around in lace “bras” and panties with bed head and jewelry! When did it become acceptable for little girls to be paraded around like sex objects? Even the poses in the ads are extremely suggestive. Frankly, if the police should confiscate our computer here at TMH (We don’t know why they would. We have most certainly NOT been been playing Canasta with Tobey Maguire, Ben Affleck, and Leonardo DiCaprio) we’d have some serious ‘splainin’ to do once they found these images in our history. Perhaps the French have been watching too much Toddler & Tiaras?

Image Source

What do you think? Are we getting our Spanx’ed derrieres in a twist over nothing?

____________________________________________________

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’m in trouble and I really need some clear perspective on my problem, ’cause my brain feels like jelly right now…really thick, dark kind of kelly.  I’ve been with my husband for 13 years, married for the last 8 years and we have a 2 year old boy. I’ve been a SAHM since he was born.  My husband and I have had our ups and downs, like everyone else, and the last couple of years have been difficult.  I thought we loved each other enough to get through it all, it seems I was wrong.

While working on my PC, I discovered some cookies with addresses of sites for adults only…and one of those addresses led me to a site which connects people who are searching for sex partners available near our location.  Since my husband and I are the only ones who use this PC, my heart stopped.

I’ve confronted him about it, but he denies everything, his explanation being that it must be a virus on the computer. And I don’t know what to believe or to do. I feel angry, sad, lost…Please put me out of my misery and offer me some guidance.

Signed,

What Now?

______________________________

Dear What Now,

First things first: Do you want your husband to stay or do you want your husband to go?

Normally, I’d suggest an honest heart-to-heart, but I can see that’s not going to work here. A virus? Please. The only virus here is the douchebag bug that’s infected your husband.

If you find it in your heart to forgive him, remind me to send you a medal. Personally, I’d rather bust my own kneecaps than forgive a man who’s trolling the internet for sex with strangers. Ask yourself: are you okay with this happening again? Is this the kind of behavior you want your son to learn? Are you teaching your son that this kind of tomfoolery is okay if you stay? (Answer key: No, No, Yes.)

If we were sitting across from each other, this is where I would supply you with several cocktails, take your hand, and tell you this-

Homegirl, let’s keep it real. Life is too short and your time is too limited to put off being happy and secure for any longer. If you choose to move on with your marriage, you’ll become obsessed with checking his mobile devices, computer, and mail. You won’t be living your own life. You’ll be trapped into making sure another person is living their life correctly. And that’s just not something you can do.

This is all coming from a place of someone who truly gets what you’re going through. I spent too many sleepless nights being miserable over a partner’s deceit before I made the choice to let him go. You know what? He’s still the same person today. An asshole. Letting him go was one of the best decisions I ever made. More importantly, it freed me to meet the right person.

I want that for you. You deserve it.

I am a  21 year old woman and  got married 25 days ago ( we were engaged for 2 and a half months.)  We have not had sex even once.  I just don’t have any feelings towards him and can’t seem to get turned on.

In my defence he does not seem to get turned on by me that much either.  We are both nice looking, not hideous and straight.   I just dont know why there’s no chemistry in this relationship.

Otherwise he’s a great guy and is a very loving husband.  What do you think I should do?   I did try the lingerie and all that other stuff but I don’t have those kinds of feelings for him.  I don’t want to be divorced,but I am not going to live in a sexless marriage! I am still a virgin.

Signed,

Married Without Sex

_________________________________________________

Dear Married Without Sex,

I now know exactly how Joe Biden felt when he was debating Sarah Palin in the 2008 Vice Presidential Debate. Where do I begin?

You married someone for whom you have no sexual feelings.  I suppose the good news is that the lack of these feelings is mutual.  But I have to ask: were there no hints during your courtship that there was no chemistry between the two of you?  Did you realize before the wedding that you thought of this man as a friend and not as a sexual partner?

Please know that there are plenty of non-hideous, wonderful people who are not attracted to each other. These people can be great friends, but they probably shouldn’t get married. At least not to each other.

You should talk to your husband, in the presence of a therapist, to discuss your  lack of sexual feelings towards each other, and how you both feel about the marriage. Although I personally can’t imagine that an entirely sexless marriage could be happy one, I admit that it does leave a lot of time for things like TV viewing.

Beyond the joint session with your husband, I would also recommend that you speak to a counselor individually in order to get some insight into why you entered this marriage.  You say that your husband is a great guy– you owe it to both of you to address this now.  And not with lingerie, with a diplomas-on-the-wall professional.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

I’m smart. So smart that I convinced my husband that having our children 15 months apart was a good thing. So I have a 16-month-old and a 4-week-old, and I love them both. But my body is a wreck!

I won’t bore you with the long sad sob story about how hot I was (very!) or how my self esteem has suffered to the point that I’m afraid to initiate sex with my husband for fear of rejection. I am wondering, however, if you have any ideas for toning and strengthening muscles (both inside and out, if you catch my drift) because I can’t tell if I’m doing those stupid kegels right.  Meanwhile, I fear that if these bat wings (aka arms) get any worse, I’ll be swooping into my kids’ rooms in the middle of the night for the (many, many) feedings.

Signed,

Flabby Franny

________________________________

Dear Flabby Franny,

Your problem is not your body. Your problem is that you’re all messed up in the head. And it’s not your fault. Because you just had a baby. 4 WEEKS AGO.  Plus, you already have a  16-month-old!  You basically have two babies on your hands who need something from you every moment of the day. You are beyond tired.

I’m amazed you are even thinking about your body. Or sex. Because I would be sobbing. Constantly. And I would be curled up in a ball, humming the theme song to “Gilligan’s Island” while snarfing down gummy colas. But you’re probably a lot more stable than I am.

You are being way too self critical. Give yourself time to adjust to life with two very young children. Focus on sleeping whenever you can. And most doctors don’t even give the okay for sex until you’re six weeks postpartum, so don’t rush it. There is plenty of time to have sex with your husband. According to my precise calculations… the rest of your life.

If you want to start exercising, throw those two bambinos in a stroller and start walking. Up hills, down hills and definitely to the coffee shop.  As for the rest of the time, your arms will get plenty of toning carrying those two kids around. When it comes to the kegels, just squeeze your pelvic muscles as if you were trying to stop yourself from peeing. Hold for five seconds and then release. Do this 10,000 times. Maybe less. Like 20 times.

While you’re practicing your kegels and strengthening your pelvic floor, your husband can practice saying things like, “You are the most gorgeous mother and wife I’ve ever seen.”  Now believe him. Because it’s true. You’re a MILF.

Good luck!

Kelcey, TMH

I recently went to a friend’s wedding, and it was amazing!  There were so many available men and not so many available women. I love dancing, and had a blast dancing with guy friends and wound up dancing with Mr. Right (or Mr. Right for Now). I know his family a little and get along great with his mom. I was blown away by the sparks that ignited on the dance floor, as they don’t ignite very often. We danced twice. He was very sad to see me go. I couldn’t get him off my mind, daydreaming about running into him. Then this morning I, a 29 year old single mother of an older toddler, found out that he’s 21……..WTF??!! What do I do??

Signed,

Mrs. Robinson

__________________________________

Dear Mrs. Robinson,

I’m no Stephen Hawking, so forgive me for any mathematical errors, but you seem to be eight years older than this man.  And it’s not like you’re 21 and he’s 13. (Look at me all mathy!) You are both consenting adults, free to pursue whatever happiness consenting adults can pursue together.  Spoiler alert– it doesn’t involve watching The Real Housewives of New York together. Trust me, I tried.

Eight years happens to be the exact age difference between me and my husband and you should hear him roll his eyes when I imply that I was his child bride.  In my defense, I was a very young 29.  So to me, the age difference is not significant.

You mention that you get along well with his mom, so perhaps you’re worried about how she will react if you hook up with her son.  Or maybe you’re uncomfortable because you are a mom yourself and this man is child-free.  These are all valid concerns, but not ones that should stand in the way of pursuing a relationship. At this point, we don’t know if the two of you have a spark off the dance floor,  common interests and things to talk about, however, so take it one step at a time.

Call him. And know that in the grand scheme of things, eight years is nothing.

Or, lie about your age.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

The second my boyfriend and I are finished having sex, he rushes to the shower.  I wish he’d stay and cuddle with me, but he told me that this is just his way.  Is there anything that I can do to change him?

Signed,

Eh, A Little Sweat Won’t Kill You

___________________________

Dear  A Little Sweat,

Look, we hate to blame the person seeking our advice, but this is mostly your fault.  Because if you didn’t unhand-cuff  your boyfriend immediately after sex, he wouldn’t be running to the shower.  So keep those restraints on until you’re done cuddling and your problems will be solved.

Or just beginning.

I assume you’ve already considered and dismissed the possibility that he’s married and wants to get rid of any sexual evidence before returning to his wife and kids, you harlot.  And you’ve probably tried the old standbys of keeping a gallon of body sanitizer next to the bed and throwing yourself gracefully, yet forcefully, across him, pinning him down with your thigh?

If that doesn’t work, I suggest taking a page out of parents who’ve been sleep-training their children and letting him cry it out.  When he gets up to take a shower, grab his arm and plead with him to stay.  He will probably insist on going to the shower, with promises to “be right back!” but try to hold on a little longer.  The first day, a minute or two; the next day five minutes.  Within a month, he’ll be by your side for a glorious post-coital hour.  Either that, or he’ll be having sex with someone else.  (Let us know!)

Or you could try the honest approach.  Tell him that you’d love to spend some time together before he jumps into the shower and see if he’ll accommodate you.  Otherwise you can always join him in the shower.

Don’t drop the soap!

Marinka, TMH