Is My Husband A Pig Or Does My Computer Have A Virus?
Today, we’re lucky enough to have Liz from Flourish in Progress giving out advice. If you’re not a regular reader of Liz’s blog yet, just you wait. Between the Monday Dares and updates on her No Shopping Project, Liz consistently hits the funny mark. Besides the funny, one of the reasons that I love Liz is that there is always an element of surprise in her posts. Something that you just didn’t see coming (in case you weren’t sure what “surprise” meant.) This is the post that started my adoration for Liz. Enjoy! – Marinka
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Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m in trouble and I really need some clear perspective on my problem, ’cause my brain feels like jelly right now…really thick, dark kind of kelly. I’ve been with my husband for 13 years, married for the last 8 years and we have a 2 year old boy. I’ve been a SAHM since he was born. My husband and I have had our ups and downs, like everyone else, and the last couple of years have been difficult. I thought we loved each other enough to get through it all, it seems I was wrong.
While working on my PC, I discovered some cookies with addresses of sites for adults only…and one of those addresses led me to a site which connects people who are searching for sex partners available near our location. Since my husband and I are the only ones who use this PC, my heart stopped.
I’ve confronted him about it, but he denies everything, his explanation being that it must be a virus on the computer. And I don’t know what to believe or to do. I feel angry, sad, lost…Please put me out of my misery and offer me some guidance.
Signed,
What Now?
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Dear What Now,
First things first: Do you want your husband to stay or do you want your husband to go?
Normally, I’d suggest an honest heart-to-heart, but I can see that’s not going to work here. A virus? Please. The only virus here is the douchebag bug that’s infected your husband.
If you find it in your heart to forgive him, remind me to send you a medal. Personally, I’d rather bust my own kneecaps than forgive a man who’s trolling the internet for sex with strangers. Ask yourself: are you okay with this happening again? Is this the kind of behavior you want your son to learn? Are you teaching your son that this kind of tomfoolery is okay if you stay? (Answer key: No, No, Yes.)
If we were sitting across from each other, this is where I would supply you with several cocktails, take your hand, and tell you this-
Homegirl, let’s keep it real. Life is too short and your time is too limited to put off being happy and secure for any longer. If you choose to move on with your marriage, you’ll become obsessed with checking his mobile devices, computer, and mail. You won’t be living your own life. You’ll be trapped into making sure another person is living their life correctly. And that’s just not something you can do.
This is all coming from a place of someone who truly gets what you’re going through. I spent too many sleepless nights being miserable over a partner’s deceit before I made the choice to let him go. You know what? He’s still the same person today. An asshole. Letting him go was one of the best decisions I ever made. More importantly, it freed me to meet the right person.
I want that for you. You deserve it.
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Why Buy The Cow If You’re Lactose Intolerant?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am a 21 year old woman and got married 25 days ago ( we were engaged for 2 and a half months.) We have not had sex even once. I just don’t have any feelings towards him and can’t seem to get turned on.
In my defence he does not seem to get turned on by me that much either. We are both nice looking, not hideous and straight. I just dont know why there’s no chemistry in this relationship.
Otherwise he’s a great guy and is a very loving husband. What do you think I should do? I did try the lingerie and all that other stuff but I don’t have those kinds of feelings for him. I don’t want to be divorced,but I am not going to live in a sexless marriage! I am still a virgin.
Signed,
Married Without Sex
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Dear Married Without Sex,
I now know exactly how Joe Biden felt when he was debating Sarah Palin in the 2008 Vice Presidential Debate. Where do I begin?
You married someone for whom you have no sexual feelings. I suppose the good news is that the lack of these feelings is mutual. But I have to ask: were there no hints during your courtship that there was no chemistry between the two of you? Did you realize before the wedding that you thought of this man as a friend and not as a sexual partner?
Please know that there are plenty of non-hideous, wonderful people who are not attracted to each other. These people can be great friends, but they probably shouldn’t get married. At least not to each other.
You should talk to your husband, in the presence of a therapist, to discuss your lack of sexual feelings towards each other, and how you both feel about the marriage. Although I personally can’t imagine that an entirely sexless marriage could be happy one, I admit that it does leave a lot of time for things like TV viewing.
Beyond the joint session with your husband, I would also recommend that you speak to a counselor individually in order to get some insight into why you entered this marriage. You say that your husband is a great guy– you owe it to both of you to address this now. And not with lingerie, with a diplomas-on-the-wall professional.
Good luck,
Marinka, TMH
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My Baby Stole My Awesome Body and Won’t Give It Back!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m smart. So smart that I convinced my husband that having our children 15 months apart was a good thing. So I have a 16-month-old and a 4-week-old, and I love them both. But my body is a wreck!
I won’t bore you with the long sad sob story about how hot I was (very!) or how my self esteem has suffered to the point that I’m afraid to initiate sex with my husband for fear of rejection. I am wondering, however, if you have any ideas for toning and strengthening muscles (both inside and out, if you catch my drift) because I can’t tell if I’m doing those stupid kegels right. Meanwhile, I fear that if these bat wings (aka arms) get any worse, I’ll be swooping into my kids’ rooms in the middle of the night for the (many, many) feedings.
Signed,
Flabby Franny
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Dear Flabby Franny,
Your problem is not your body. Your problem is that you’re all messed up in the head. And it’s not your fault. Because you just had a baby. 4 WEEKS AGO. Plus, you already have a 16-month-old! You basically have two babies on your hands who need something from you every moment of the day. You are beyond tired.
I’m amazed you are even thinking about your body. Or sex. Because I would be sobbing. Constantly. And I would be curled up in a ball, humming the theme song to “Gilligan’s Island” while snarfing down gummy colas. But you’re probably a lot more stable than I am.
You are being way too self critical. Give yourself time to adjust to life with two very young children. Focus on sleeping whenever you can. And most doctors don’t even give the okay for sex until you’re six weeks postpartum, so don’t rush it. There is plenty of time to have sex with your husband. According to my precise calculations… the rest of your life.
If you want to start exercising, throw those two bambinos in a stroller and start walking. Up hills, down hills and definitely to the coffee shop. As for the rest of the time, your arms will get plenty of toning carrying those two kids around. When it comes to the kegels, just squeeze your pelvic muscles as if you were trying to stop yourself from peeing. Hold for five seconds and then release. Do this 10,000 times. Maybe less. Like 20 times.
While you’re practicing your kegels and strengthening your pelvic floor, your husband can practice saying things like, “You are the most gorgeous mother and wife I’ve ever seen.” Now believe him. Because it’s true. You’re a MILF.
Good luck!
Kelcey, TMH
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Dare I Date A Younger Man?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I recently went to a friend’s wedding, and it was amazing! There were so many available men and not so many available women. I love dancing, and had a blast dancing with guy friends and wound up dancing with Mr. Right (or Mr. Right for Now). I know his family a little and get along great with his mom. I was blown away by the sparks that ignited on the dance floor, as they don’t ignite very often. We danced twice. He was very sad to see me go. I couldn’t get him off my mind, daydreaming about running into him. Then this morning I, a 29 year old single mother of an older toddler, found out that he’s 21……..WTF??!! What do I do??
Signed,
Mrs. Robinson
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Dear Mrs. Robinson,
I’m no Stephen Hawking, so forgive me for any mathematical errors, but you seem to be eight years older than this man. And it’s not like you’re 21 and he’s 13. (Look at me all mathy!) You are both consenting adults, free to pursue whatever happiness consenting adults can pursue together. Spoiler alert– it doesn’t involve watching The Real Housewives of New York together. Trust me, I tried.
Eight years happens to be the exact age difference between me and my husband and you should hear him roll his eyes when I imply that I was his child bride. In my defense, I was a very young 29. So to me, the age difference is not significant.
You mention that you get along well with his mom, so perhaps you’re worried about how she will react if you hook up with her son. Or maybe you’re uncomfortable because you are a mom yourself and this man is child-free. These are all valid concerns, but not ones that should stand in the way of pursuing a relationship. At this point, we don’t know if the two of you have a spark off the dance floor, common interests and things to talk about, however, so take it one step at a time.
Call him. And know that in the grand scheme of things, eight years is nothing.
Or, lie about your age.
Good luck,
Marinka, TMH
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Cleanliness Is Next to Annoying Your Girlfriend
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
The second my boyfriend and I are finished having sex, he rushes to the shower. I wish he’d stay and cuddle with me, but he told me that this is just his way. Is there anything that I can do to change him?
Signed,
Eh, A Little Sweat Won’t Kill You
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Dear A Little Sweat,
Look, we hate to blame the person seeking our advice, but this is mostly your fault. Because if you didn’t unhand-cuff your boyfriend immediately after sex, he wouldn’t be running to the shower. So keep those restraints on until you’re done cuddling and your problems will be solved.
Or just beginning.
I assume you’ve already considered and dismissed the possibility that he’s married and wants to get rid of any sexual evidence before returning to his wife and kids, you harlot. And you’ve probably tried the old standbys of keeping a gallon of body sanitizer next to the bed and throwing yourself gracefully, yet forcefully, across him, pinning him down with your thigh?
If that doesn’t work, I suggest taking a page out of parents who’ve been sleep-training their children and letting him cry it out. When he gets up to take a shower, grab his arm and plead with him to stay. He will probably insist on going to the shower, with promises to “be right back!” but try to hold on a little longer. The first day, a minute or two; the next day five minutes. Within a month, he’ll be by your side for a glorious post-coital hour. Either that, or he’ll be having sex with someone else. (Let us know!)
Or you could try the honest approach. Tell him that you’d love to spend some time together before he jumps into the shower and see if he’ll accommodate you. Otherwise you can always join him in the shower.
Don’t drop the soap!
Marinka, TMH
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