Help! My Friend’s Kids Are Sick With The Ick And I think It’s A Trick!
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a very close friend whom I’ve known since childhood. We lost touch, and then reconnected after we’d both married and had kids. She’s sweet, warm and kind but lately, I’ve been plagued by the thought that she might be suffering from Münchausen Syndrome By Proxy.
Her two young, high maintenance children are always sick. She works part-time at a hospital to make ends meet, so I just assumed she was bringing viruses home from work. But it seems like every day they have caught some new, terrible plague or are going to the ER. And she tells everyone about it on Facebook. Even her closest friends are starting to reply to her posts with, “Again?? Really??”
She has a lot of the classic red flags- She used to have a severe eating disorder, she has anxiety and self esteem issues, and she’s very clingy with her kids—she doesn’t like them to be out of her reach very often. Her marriage is often rocky. Yet for some reason, she even keeps talking about wanting more kids.
I hate to think my good friend could be doing something awful, but the more I read about the disorder and compare the information to her, the more uncomfortable I feel about it. I don’t know what to do.
Signed,
Cautiously Concerned
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Dear Cautiously Concerned,
Before we begin to discuss your friend, let’s talk about the Internet for a minute. First, I understand your anxious researching of symptoms. I, myself, am an expert in this. In fact, at this moment I am probably dying from African trypanosomiasis. The problem is that while I have most of the symptoms of this disease, in reality, an illness tends to be more complicated than a simple checklist.
The other thing to keep in mind about the glorious interweb and its social networking, is that some people confuse Mark Zuckerberg’s creation with actual therapy sessions. It’s also hard to really know a person from their Facebook posts. For instance, most of my FB friends assume I’m only interested in images of cats in costumes but this is not the entire picture. I also like photos of dogs in funny hats. So it’s important not to put too much diagnostic weight on anyone’s Facebook status.
Now, on to your friend. Münchausen Syndrome By Proxy (MSbP) is a serious and extremely complicated condition. One of the main problems in its diagnosis has to do with the similarities to an actual, organic issue with a child. It is possible that the stress in the household has caused the two children to have anxiety or depression that can manifest itself in physical ways. It’s also possible that there is something in the home that could be causing all types of illnesses, such as a mold infestation. Or the kids are just being the petri dishes of bacteria that most children really are. I’m not saying that MSbP couldn’t be happening but I’m also not saying that it is. It’s important in a situation such as this to rule out other possible causes.
Also, anxiety, depression and being a helicopter mom do not necessarily translate into MSbP. The eating disorder early on in her life was probably a symptom of her anxiety and depression and is not necessarily indicative of someone who will grow up to abuse her children. Certainly, these days, with Kate Middleton, LeAnn Rimes and Rachel Zoe as role models it’s difficult to find a woman who doesn’t have an eating disorder or is not contemplating one. (Does the Grapefruit Diet work?)
You seem like a really good friend. And there may be reason to worry, but before jumping to conclusions (don’t worry, we all do it) I’d suggest a serious sit down with her. Try and get her to open up about her marriage, the stresses in her life, and how she may or may not be dealing with them very well. If you are still extremely concerned, keep track of how often her children are sick or in the hospital and how she reacts to these situations then seek the advice of a medical professional. Even then, I would proceed with extreme caution.
Good Luck to you and your friend,
Tonya, TMH
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The Case of The Beer Drinking Breastfeeder
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
One of my best friends just had a baby. We went to dinner with him, the baby’s mama and the new baby. All was fine, until the baby got hungry and the mama fed the baby. Let me clarify, the mama was drinking and then breastfed the baby. The mama consumed three pints of beer over the course of about three hours and fed the baby three times while I was there. Now, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a doctor, so I didn’t say anything. But, later I brought this up to some friends and they said I should have said/done something.
To make matters worse, the mama posts a lot on Facebook, including things like outrageously long sleeping times for the baby and how she wishes she could drink more to deal with life, but says that breastfeeding limits her alcohol intake. I feel at a loss. I feel like she’s doing things she shouldn’t do and may be hurting her baby in the process. My best friend didn’t say a word the entire night, and actually tends to encourage her drinking.
This situation is really difficult to watch, especially since my husband and I have been trying for years to get pregnant and are having issues. We aren’t even sure if having a child is going to happen for us.
Do I say something? Do I call Child Services? Do I let it go for fear of being that irrational woman who jeopardizes a 20+ year friendship? Help!
Signed,
Mama Didn’t Just Do That, Did She?
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Dear Mama Didn’t Just Do That, Did She?,
First, I am mother, but I am not a medical professional, although, frankly, I really should be. Especially, given the amount of self-help books I’ve read and the number of hypochondriac websites I visit on a weekly basis. But I do believe that you have a right to be alarmed. I’m not going to sugar coat it, this is a tough situation. Having three drinks in three hours and breastfeeding a baby three times adds up to definite inappropriate behavior. Normally, I try to reserve my judgement of other mothers to the celeb moms I see in Us Weekly, but this case sounds like a very unhealthy state of affairs. Not only was that a possibly damaging amount of alcohol for a child to consume, it’s also dangerous when you consider the responsiveness needed to care for a newborn baby.
It could be that the baby’s mama is overwhelmed and/or depressed, and instead of knowing how to deal with it or whom to turn to, she’s using alcohol to soothe these feelings. Unfortunately, she now has another life depending on her so drinking beer non-stop is not the correct way to fix the situation. It also seems that your friend might be in denial. Don’t misunderstand me—I’m not making excuses for them. I’m simply stating what could be going on.
That being said, you need to have a very serious conversation with your friend. I realize that you may be putting a 20+ year relationship in jeopardy, however, there is a newborn involved who can’t speak up for him/herself. It’s possible that your friend may be upset or angry with you for bringing up the mama’s alcohol consumption, but it’s also possible that he doesn’t even see it. And, it’s also very likely that the mother may need help.
I would try and discuss the situation in terms of your concern for how the mother and baby are doing. Try and leave out the Facebook updates, if possible, since it’s hard to know what she’s really doing and also if the baby’s sleep cycle is related in any way to her possible alcohol consumption.
Keep the discussion concrete. Talk about what you witnessed. You could also try and get your friend to open up about how he feels, how their relationship is faring, and what may be really going on. Make sure your friend understands that this is coming from a place of love and you simply want to help.
Some people may not agree with me, but I would suggest you hold off contacting Child Services unless you witness any other occasions where this woman is drinking heavily and putting her child in real danger. I know this is a difficult situation for you on many levels, but it seems that you are willing to do what is right for your friend and his child.
This is such a complicated subject that I would also like to encourage our readers to weigh in. It’s possible that one of them has had a similar situation and maybe they can tell you what did or didn’t work.
Good Luck,
Tonya TMH
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Mouthing Off: Halloween Horror
We here at The Mouthy Housewives (also known as “The Houthy Mousewives” after two bottles of Pinot Noir) love Halloween because, well, we literally get to steal candy from babies. This year, however, our excitement has been a bit dulled by the horror we’ve been experiencing whilst shopping for our children’s costumes, and not horror in a good way like watching for another “nip slip” from Nancy Grace.
Some of the costumes we came across simply made us realize that costume makers must drink…a lot. And not in a “few glasses of wine each night with dinner” kind of way, more in a “doing beer bongs, dancing on tables and waking up in your mailman’s front yard with nothing on but his mailbag and a pile of letters for a pillow” kind of way (What? It happens!). Take a look:
But then we found these costumes, which made us feel torn: should we call Child Services or vomit on our Slankets? We decided to do both. Because we know that for twenty-something, on-the-prowl co-eds and women with the last name “Kardashian,” Halloween is a time for dressing as your favorite porn actress. But when exactly did that become acceptable (not that it is even for those of age) for children—especially young girls—to dress up this way?
Halloween is a time for imagination and creativity to run wild. A time when our children are able to be anything or anyone they wish to be. This world of possibilities, however, should NEVER EVER include eroticizing an innocent child. By doing so, we rob them of their childhood and, in most cases, their sense of self worth. Sexualizing a child, a tween, or even a teenager is disgusting and inexcusable.
Happy Halloween? It will be if nobody wears those stupid costumes.
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Because You Can’t Keep A Teenager In A Cage. Even Though You Should.
The word “teenager” strikes fear into many a heart, more than “zombies” or “apocalypse” or “Jerry Springer for President” ever could. I’m not sure I’ve ever met a parent who doesn’t have some back-up plan in place for when their precious son or daughter turns into that moody, self-absorbed, hormonal monster from ages 13-19. This usually involves some form of confinement like boarding school, a mountain cabin, or crate training. And the reason for this is that we are all terrified; scared of the poor decisions our teenagers will make, the least of which is whether or not to give in to peer pressure.
How do we know to be this fearful? Because we’ve all been there! At 15, I remember thinking it was completely reasonable to do a beer bong after three wine coolers at a party where my friend and I knew absolutely no one. Because being a drunk teenage girl in the middle of a house full of strangers is completely safe.
My mother and step-father were cops so I did, in fact, know better. To this day, my sister and I can recite verbatim a fair number of stories where our mom had to be the one to knock on a parent’s door and tell them their teenager had been killed in a drunk driving accident. And yet, we didn’t listen. It’s only by sheer luck that we are both still here.
These days, I’m a fairly relaxed parent. For example, my son is able to wear whatever he wants, whenever he wants, even if that means I’m accompanying a pirate to the grocery store in the middle of summer. But when I think of his teenage years, I become less laid back. I still believe in giving a child the space and freedom to make choices. However, I also know that once those hormones kick in and there’s a driver’s license involved, all logic goes out the window and peer pressure is paramount. In those instances, a device like Soberlink can be instrumental. If you have a teenager, take a few minutes to check this out:
In my opinion, there are just some situations where a choice shouldn’t be an option. What do you think? Do you agree? Would you use something like Soberlink when your teenager takes the car out for a night on the town?
- Tonya, TMH
Thank you to Soberlink for sponsoring this post.
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The Education of a Room Mom
It’s Guest Post Thursday! (It is Thursday, isn’t it? Time just flies when you’re Swiffering!) Today we welcome an expert at navigating the other moms at school—Lela Davidson! Lela is a fabulous writer who has a new book out called Blacklisted from the PTA. Perfect reading for those of us who’d rather join the Witness Protection Program than frost cookies for a bake sale. Check out Lela’s answer, then check out her book! — Wendi
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I just became Room Mom of my daughter’s Pre-K class. I didn’t really want to do it, but nobody else volunteered. The first event I did—a Welcome Breakfast–was a simple affair because the kids are still young and I didn’t have a lot of time to organize. I thought it was fine, but now I hear that a lot of the moms were making fun of the event and calling it a “Cheap Breakfast.” Should I say something to them? Make sure the next thing I do is nicer? Hit them with my car? This is all new to me and I’m panicking!
Signed,
Dubious Room Mom
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Dear Dubious,
Wow, and congratulations! Room mom is quite an accomplishment. But be honest, nobody else volunteered? Or did the other moms duck to avoid the flying clipboard you knocked out of your rival’s unsuspecting hands? Maybe not, but anyone who uses the words “event” and “affair” to describe a social event for five-year-olds could be headed down the perilous path of the PTA Queen Bee. Be careful, my friend.
To your question, may I ask who you’re trying to please? Because half those kids would be happy sucking on a glue stick. If it’s the moms’ approval you’re after—good luck with that. Seriously, what’s wrong with a cheap breakfast? What did they expect—scrambled eggs Benedict and Poptarts with the crusts cut off? Were you supposed to spend hours cutting fruit into animal shapes and arranging it on skewers? (Never introduce sharp objects, by the way. You don’t want to arm these women.)
As for what other moms are saying about your efforts, unless you heard this with your own ears, beware of the messenger. She is likely a drama-seeking, pot-stirring, soap opera-watching, bored out of her mind bitch who masks her menace in concern. Maybe she sounds something like this: “Cindy should keep her big mouth shut, except she can’t, on account of the Botox. Bless her heart.”
Or is it more like: “How does it feel when everyone in the whole entire school thinks you’re a cheap skank who doesn’t love her kids enough to buy the real French Toastix?”
Either way, she is not your friend.
And finally, if you’re panicking because you think other moms’ impressions of you will impact your child, let me assure you, they will. These power moms determine who gets the good teachers, the last chocolate milk, and the lead in the school talent show. This is the Big Leagues, Baby. But if you want to play with the mommy elite, you play by their rules, which include conforming to ludicrous standards for the preschool social hour. That said, never EVER waste valuable time endearing yourself to mean moms when you could be sucking up to the teacher instead. Priorities, Rookie.
Managing the academic and social life of your children is difficult, but any woman who navigated the horrors of her own middle school is fit for the task. Hold your head high, toss some grapes in a bowl, and bust out the grocery store muffins. Bottom line, relax. Otherwise you risk turning yourself into one of those bitches I sometimes accidently bump with my car.
Love,
Lela, Guest TMH
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