Holy Moly, Stop Inviting Me to Church
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
What’s the best way to discourage my bible-thumping neighbors from constantly inviting me to their church without being offensive?
Signed,
Not Feelin’ The Spirit
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Dear Not Feelin’ The Spirit,
Boy, if there’s one subject I’m thrilled to bring up with a bunch of feisty housewives, it’s religion. Closely followed by politics, breastfeeding, and whether or not Ryan Seacrest should finally come out of the closet this year. Because whatever I say, I’m probably going to offend someone.
So, what are we waiting for?!
Now, as a resident of the great state of Texas, I have certainly experienced what you refer to as “bible-thumping neighbors.” Unlike most churchgoers, these are the very excitable people who just can’t stop themselves from trying to get others to join in their beliefs. They’ll relentlessly invite you to bible study, to bible book clubs, to bible pot lucks, and sometimes they’ll even try to sell you giant crucifix necklaces made out of pink and yellow rhinestones. (Again, I live in Texas.)
But while this is certainly annoying, please remember that the reason they’re inviting you is because they like you and they want you to experience what to them is a wonderful thing. (Either that or they think you’re going straight to hell and your only chance of redemption is spending the rest of your days making scrapbooks for Jesus.) (In which case, welcome to the club. May I borrow your scissors?)
You’ve politely refused their invitations and they still won’t listen, so it’s time to get more assertive. Sternly tell them that while you understand their desire to proselytize, you’re not interested and they need to respect that. They may pout, but it’ll probably do the trick.
If it doesn’t, then simply shave your head, put on an orange robe, and ask them to play the tambourine while you chant and hand out flowers at the airport.
That’s how I got out of summer bible camp.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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How To Smackdown A Bully
Today we are thrilled to welcome our Guest Mouthy Housewife, Ann Imig! Ann is one of our very favorite funny writers who can be found at AnnsRants where she, well, rants and raves and makes us laugh our little butts off. Thanks, Ann! We’re honored to have you with us today.
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Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My professor assigned workgroups for class during the first week of the course. My group got along fine until it came time to do our term project. One of the guys of the group is awful. He made a girl cry, he doesn’t stay on task, and he often spends the entire hour or so we’re allotted insulting the girls of the group. He’s smart and talented, but he insults me so much it’s all I can do to keep from losing my mind. What can I do to resolve this conflict long enough to pass?
Signed,
Wooly Wooly, This Guy’s A Bully
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Dear Wooly,
Ah, yes… the $300 per course/hour “learning to play well with others” group project. Let me guess, does the professor also spend every lecture turning every question back at the students with “What do you think? Anything else?” instead of actually TEACHING?
Sorry.
You have a couple choices here.
1) Hunker down and get through it. Sounds to me like you are dealing with a classic narcissist, so using a rational approach will prove useless. The sad “life is unfair” truth is, you’ll probably encounter more creeps like him in the workforce. They might even become your boss. Complaining about it only makes you look bad, because in the end, these smart talented f*cksticks tend to deliver good work. If the professor is decent, they should allow you a post-project group evaluation where you detail Mr. Bullcrap’s inappropriate behavior—after the project is complete.
-OR-
2) Forget about resolving the conflict and tease him until he cries! Watch the movie Mean Girls for sophisticated social isolation techniques. Use your new-found taunting skills at your next meeting, and reduce him to a smart, talented, quivering heap! Remember the “private joke?” Every time he starts serving up his insults, look at your partners and convulse with laughter for an uncomfortably long time–all the while staring at his crotch, ears, or another vulnerable area of your choosing. When he stares blankly and asks “What? What?” wipe the tears from your eyes and try to say “nothing, nothing” between guffaws. Repeat as needed until he storms out. Then you can actually get some work done and make the meeting worthwhile—not to mention revel in his demise.
Hang in there Wooly,
Ann, Guest TMH
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This week, we’re awarding our coveted The Mouthy Housewives’ Seal of Approval to Sarah of In the Trenches of Mommyhood for her hysterical post about Victoria’s Secret bathing suits! Thanks, Sarah, for making us look forward to bathing suit season in February!
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How To Handle Social Media Slights: The Mouthy Housewives’ Version of Twitter Etiquette
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I just discovered several people unfollowed me on Twitter, and I was defriended on Facebook by an old classmate. Is there a way to gracefully handle this unfollow/defriend experience without it being a big deal?
Signed,
Social Media Rookie
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Dear Rookie,
Oh, you mean we’re suppose to care when we are unfollowed or defriended on social media sites? Should I add “who unfollowed me?” to my list of things to worry over, right in between “are my shoes still in style?” and “would Russell Crowe find me attractive?”
If we’re looking for graceful ways to handle this social media slight, I suppose the most graceful thing to do is nothing. There can’t be a big deal if you don’t react. BUT! If you’re like me, “gracefully handled” is defined by unfollowing them right back, because that will really show them! (See Qwitter and/or FriendorFollow to help facilitate your social media passive-aggressive impulses.)
And I’m not really sure how one knows if they’ve been defriended on Facebook? Do you spend time online, stalking Facebook friends, committing their names to memory? Because, frankly, I have more important things to worry over, such as whether Russell Crowe likes brunettes, or only blondes? His wife is blonde, his infamous affair with Meg Ryan – another blonde. Does this mean I should select a new unattainable star for my sexual fantasies?
See, my plate is full, and I believe this is the true key to handling social media slights with grace: complete self-absorption. It works for me.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
We’re giving away a Lands’ End sweater. Click here to enter!
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The School of Hard Knocks
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’ve switched schools a couple times and now I’m having trouble finding friends. I recently moved back to my old neighborhood but my old friends there have really changed. When I last met them, we were honor students. Now, some of these people are flunking their classes and acting really immature. They can, at times, be shallow, conceited, lewd, and all of that, but I sort of still want to be their friend. The problem is that they don’t want to talk to me anymore. What do I do?
Signed,
School Sucks
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Dear School Sucks,
I want you to close your eyes for a moment and think back to 1985. (Yes, I know you weren’t alive back then, but let’s just get in the WayBack machine for a moment.) Okay, it’s the mid-80’s and we see a slightly chubby girl with a big, blonde perm. A girl who loves Wham! and Ray-Bans and acid wash jeans. We watch the girl happily hanging out with her group of friends at Contempo Casuals in the mall, but then–oh, no! Tragedy strikes! The girl is devastated to find out that she has to move 3,000 miles away—-right before the start of her Junior year in high school! What ever will she do now?
Well, here’s what I, I mean the slightly chubby girl, did: since she didn’t know anyone, she decided to make a fresh start. She was nice to everyone, she studied hard, she ignored the obnoxious, wild kids, and she tried to just be herself. (Not always easily done, and kind of a cliche, but that last thing’s pretty crucial.) After a few months of Saturday nights spent at home with her parents, the girl finally joined a few clubs, started playing sports, and lo and behold, she met a couple of really cool friends who liked her for who she was and held the same values that she did. And the best part is, they’re still her close friends over 20 years later.
What I’m trying to tell you is, you should make a fresh start, too. Don’t get hung up on the kids you used to know. They’ve changed, but you’ve probably changed a little, too. Middle school and high school are all about forming your own identity, about finding out who you are, what you’re all about and where you fit in. It may not seem like it, but that’s exactly what the “shallow, conceited, and lewd” kids are doing, too. (And here’s a little secret: all of them are completely insecure, too.) (And most of them will be fat and bald and working at Jiffy Lube by your 10-year reunion.)
So do what it is you like. Do what you think is fun. And chances are, while you’re doing it, you’re going to meet a lot of new friends. Before long, you’ll forget all about those kids you “used to know” and school will a piece of cake. You’ll be just fine.
Oh, and one last thing: promise me that if you happen to see a slightly chubby girl with a big, blonde perm one day in the lunchroom, you’ll go over and say “hi.” I hear she’s trying to start up a Wham! fan club.
All the best,
Wendi, TMH
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Can a Donkey and an Elephant Get Along?
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My mother and her cousin are both in their late sixties and have managed to maintain a fairly close relationship over the years, despite the fact that they are polar opposites. One of them is prim, religious and staunchly Republican. The other is rebellious, has no tolerance for organized religion and very much a Democrat. But they can really enjoy each other’s company as long as they avoid talking about politics and religion.
Yet no matter what, the conversation devolves into a political/religious debate, with each of them coming away with bad feelings. My problem is that I am sick and tired of my mother telling me about her frustration with some “stupid” thing that her cousin has said. Do you have any thoughts about how to teach my mother to avoid taboo subjects or how to help me deal with her bitching?
Sincerely,
Sick of Family Politics
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Dear Sick of Family Politics,
Let me first give you some hope. I actually know of couples where one spouse is a conservative Republican and the other spouse is a liberal Democrat and somehow they manage to get along and stay happily married. Obviously, they avoid talking about politics and I’m pretty sure they have separate residences during a presidential election year. But still, it is possible for two people who have different ideologies to coexist.
Now let me crush your hope. You mentioned your mother and your cousin are in their late sixties so we can pretty much assume that neither of them is going to change their behavior at this point. I have given up the dream that someday my 66 year-old mother will learn how to turn on her cable and select a channel from the digital menu. It’s just not going to happen. Older people don’t tend to pick up a lot of new habits.
So the best thing you can do is accept that these ladies ain’t changing. They are going to be arguing, God willing, for many healthy years to come. But you need to get out of the middle. You need to tell your mother very firmly that you no longer want to hear her rants about her cousin. She needs to identify a friend who has the same political/religious leanings as herself. Then every time she needs to vent about her terribly misguided cousin, she will call that person. NOT you.
If she forgets and tries use you as a sounding board, gently remind her that she needs to call her friend. If that still doesn’t work, let her know that every time she complains to you, you will donate $1 to the political party she does NOT support. Show her the receipts. That should definitely do it.
Good luck,
Kelcey, TMH
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It’s a TMH Book Giveaway! The wonderful Izzy Rose from Stepmother’s Milk has a wonderful new memoir out called The Package Deal: My (Not So) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom and we’ll be giving a copy away to one lucky reader this week! To enter, simply leave a comment on any post this week, and for an additional entry, send us a question to answer to ask@mouthyhousewives.com and you’ll be entered to win. (Questions will be posted anonymously!) Good luck!
