Pay-For-Party
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m in a moms group and one of the other mothers kindly invites me to their annual summer party. The problem? These people are cheap. Last year they asked everyone to bring their own meat to grill and this year they are asking every adult to pay $5. I mean, I’m cool with bringing a side dish to share, but I think they are being ridiculous. Am I wrong? Should I say something?
Signed,
Potlucks are for Pussies
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Dear Potlucks are for Pussies,
Not a fan of BYOM parties? Neither am I! Of course, that’s mostly because I’m fearful I’ll get into a car crash on the way to the event, thereby causing the five pounds of raw steak I’m holding on my lap to somehow infect my private parts with Mad Cow disease and then I’ll wind up quarantined in Kansas City until the USDA discovers a cure for human udders and debilitating cud addiction.
I know. It’s a wonder I ever leave the house.
Now I assume that everyone reading this knows the three words I’m going to say in response to your question. Ready? Here we go: In this economy…blah, blah, blah…not everyone who wants to host a party can afford to pay for food and drinks for their guests. (Well, not unless they have amazing sponsors like JVC who helped us throw a party so swanky, we didn’t even have to use lame-o drink tickets. All you can swill, baby! That’s how we Housewives roll!)
Anyway, if the ickiness of forking over $10 to cover costs outweighs the joy of socializing with these people, don’t go. You’re certainly under no obligation to attend what you consider to be a tacky affair. (Although I’d strongly advise against saying something to the hostess about her perceived cheapness unless you want some discount potato salad shoved down your skort.)
Next time, offer to host—and pay for—the BBQ all by yourself. This will either show the other moms a better way to throw parties, or make them seethe with resentment because they think you’re showing off by serving cocktail weenies and pickles for 50. Personally, as long as I like those involved, I’m happy to go to any party anyone’s nice enough to ask me to attend.
I mean, as long as I don’t have to carry meat on my lap.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
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When Rogue Buggies Attack
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
If your shopping cart gets away from you and dings another car in the grocery store parking lot, should you leave a note? This just happened to me when I was with my friend and all she did was whisper, “Don’t tell anyone,” and run into the store because she didn’t want to pay $100 or more to fix it. What’s the right thing to do?
Signed,
Dingy
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Dear Dingy,
Just so we’re clear, when you say shopping cart, you mean buggy, right? See, I’m from the South and that’s what we call them down here. I married a former buggy boy, so I should know. As per our prenup, I am required to use the term ‘buggy.’
Now onto your question! I think leaving a note is an excellent idea. It’s so good, in fact, that I came up with a couple of sample notes people can use for this very situation.
Dude,
Your car jumped out and tried to attack my buggy! What could it do but defend itself, so if you see a ding in the door, you know why. You really should park your car out in No Man’s Land until you get it neutered.
Or, for those who like a more toned-down note:
This buggy rolled away and dinged your car. You should talk Target management about this, because there really should be brakes on these things. They are such a hazard that someone somewhere should be held accountable. But certainly not me.
Then again, most large stores have those disclaimers stating they aren’t liable for damage caused by runaway buggies. When you think about it, if a multi-million dollar corporation can deny responsibility for rogue buggies that they own, why not us?
I know our vehicles are super expensive purchases that only depreciate year after year, making them one of the worst investments to obsess and hover over, yet people still do. They get upset over every little scratch and ding. But let’s remember life is full of inherent risks and parking your car in a parking lot is one of them.
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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No Time for Baby Showers
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I recently got an email from a friend who wants to plan a baby shower for one of our co-workers. I’m happy to help but she wants to get together to go over the details. Listen, my life is full enough without having to meet-up to plan a baby shower. What happened to throwing out some ideas via email? How can I handle this without pissing off my friend?
Signed,
Too Busy for This
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Dear Too Busy,
Look, I understand having a full life. I’m working two jobs, raising two boys, pleasing my husband, and I still run 99.5% of the household. (Isn’t feminism great?) I am busy, busy, busy!
People nowadays are just so inconsiderate of our busy lives too. Don’t they realize the inconvenience it causes us when they insist on having babies? And here we are, required to celebrate such an event. Gesh, sometimes we’re even asked to sacrifice our lunch hour for things like this! Will their selfishness ever end?
Wasn’t email invented to make our busy lives more simple? Hello? I hope this mother-to-be has arranged for a webcam at the hospital so everyone can see the baby from the convenience of home. Who has time to visit a new baby and welcome him or her to the world in person? This is why technology was invented – so we can disconnect from other humans.
Really, life should be all about our convenience and not serving others, don’t you agree? I don’t know why we even have baby showers anymore. Have a Twitter party instead. Email your friend back and remind her we aren’t living in Mayberry, NC, in the 1950s. This is 2010, and a Twitter hashtag dedicated to the co-worker’s new baby is certainly the best (and easiest) way to honor her.
Or, you could get in touch with your inner saint and make the time to help plan the shower. Do we ever really regret acts of kindness and giving?
Signed,
Heather, TMH
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Not-So-Sweet Charity
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My daughter recently got invited to a birthday party where, instead of gifts, they want a donation to a specific charity. Unfortunately, they didn’t choose a nice, noncontroversial charity like books for disadvantaged kids, rather they chose one with more of a political leaning. I’m not comfortable donating to this cause, but I hate to ignore the host’s wishes. I don’t know the mother well enough to feel comfortable discussing it with her, so what should I do?
Signed,
Donation Debra
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Dear Donation Debra,
First of all, let’s agree that asking for a charitable donation in lieu of yet another Polly Frickin’ PickPocket that’s just going to be thrown on the ground and stepped on until you finally toss her in the trash in a fit of Mommy rage is actually a good thing. Yes? We’re all on board here? Good.
Now exactly how controversial is the organization she’s asking you to support? Is it something like Citizens Against Global Warming, or is it something even more exciting like the Spencer Pratt for President Fund? (And not to get too political here, but I think he could totally win if he formed the Douchebag Political Action Committee and enlisted the help of Jon Gosselin, Charlie Sheen, Larry King, Jesse James and The Situation. I mean, that’s a lotta d-bag bang for your buck right there, my friend.) (Possible campaign slogan: “Vote For Pratt, The Jerk In The Ed Hardy Hat.”)
Now, I could advise you to just go along with the donation, then make a donation to a polar opposite organization—thereby they’d cancel each other out—but the fact of the matter is, if the charity is one you’d rather not support, then by all means don’t. Since you say you’re not comfortable talking to the mother about the issue, just tell her that your daughter can’t make it to the party and you’ll be off the hook for a gift. Yes, this is totally the wussy way out, but I really think it’s the least sticky thing to do. The bad news is that your daughter will be missing out on a party, but the good news is you’ll avoid what could be an uncomfortable situation.
And I don’t know about you, but I’ll take my integrity over a crap goodie bag any day.
Sincerely,
Wendi, TMH
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Holy Moly, Stop Inviting Me to Church
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
What’s the best way to discourage my bible-thumping neighbors from constantly inviting me to their church without being offensive?
Signed,
Not Feelin’ The Spirit
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Dear Not Feelin’ The Spirit,
Boy, if there’s one subject I’m thrilled to bring up with a bunch of feisty housewives, it’s religion. Closely followed by politics, breastfeeding, and whether or not Ryan Seacrest should finally come out of the closet this year. Because whatever I say, I’m probably going to offend someone.
So, what are we waiting for?!
Now, as a resident of the great state of Texas, I have certainly experienced what you refer to as “bible-thumping neighbors.” Unlike most churchgoers, these are the very excitable people who just can’t stop themselves from trying to get others to join in their beliefs. They’ll relentlessly invite you to bible study, to bible book clubs, to bible pot lucks, and sometimes they’ll even try to sell you giant crucifix necklaces made out of pink and yellow rhinestones. (Again, I live in Texas.)
But while this is certainly annoying, please remember that the reason they’re inviting you is because they like you and they want you to experience what to them is a wonderful thing. (Either that or they think you’re going straight to hell and your only chance of redemption is spending the rest of your days making scrapbooks for Jesus.) (In which case, welcome to the club. May I borrow your scissors?)
You’ve politely refused their invitations and they still won’t listen, so it’s time to get more assertive. Sternly tell them that while you understand their desire to proselytize, you’re not interested and they need to respect that. They may pout, but it’ll probably do the trick.
If it doesn’t, then simply shave your head, put on an orange robe, and ask them to play the tambourine while you chant and hand out flowers at the airport.
That’s how I got out of summer bible camp.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
