I have a very close friend whom I’ve known since childhood. We lost touch, and then reconnected after we’d both married and had kids. She’s sweet, warm and kind but lately, I’ve been plagued by the thought that she might be suffering from Münchausen Syndrome By Proxy.

Her two young, high maintenance children are always sick. She works part-time at a hospital to make ends meet, so I just assumed she was bringing viruses home from work. But it seems like every day they have caught some new, terrible plague or are going to the ER. And she tells everyone about it on Facebook. Even her closest friends are starting to reply to her posts with, “Again?? Really??”

She has a lot of the classic red flags- She used to have a severe eating disorder, she has anxiety and self esteem issues, and she’s very clingy with her kids—she doesn’t like them to be out of her reach very often. Her marriage is often rocky. Yet for some reason, she even keeps talking about wanting more kids.

I hate to think my good friend could be doing something awful, but the more I read about the disorder and compare the information to her, the more uncomfortable I feel about it. I don’t know what to do.

Signed,

Cautiously Concerned

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Dear Cautiously Concerned,

Before we begin to discuss your friend, let’s talk about the Internet for a minute. First, I understand your anxious researching of symptoms. I, myself, am an expert in this. In fact, at this moment I am probably dying from African trypanosomiasis. The problem is that while I have most of the symptoms of this disease, in reality, an illness tends to be more complicated than a simple checklist.

The other thing to keep in mind about the glorious interweb and its social networking, is that some people confuse Mark Zuckerberg’s creation with actual therapy sessions. It’s also hard to really know a person from their Facebook posts. For instance, most of my FB friends assume I’m only interested in images of cats in costumes but this is not the entire picture. I also like photos of dogs in funny hats. So it’s important not to put too much diagnostic weight on anyone’s Facebook status.

Now, on to your friend. Münchausen Syndrome By Proxy (MSbP) is a serious and extremely complicated condition. One of the main problems in its diagnosis has to do with the similarities to an actual, organic issue with a child. It is possible that the stress in the household has caused the two children to have anxiety or depression that can manifest itself in physical ways. It’s also possible that there is something in the home that could be causing all types of illnesses, such as a mold infestation.  Or the kids are just being the petri dishes of bacteria that most children really are. I’m not saying that MSbP couldn’t be happening but I’m also not saying that it is. It’s important in a situation such as this to rule out other possible causes.

Also, anxiety, depression and being a helicopter mom do not necessarily translate into MSbP. The eating disorder early on in her life was probably a symptom of her anxiety and depression and is not necessarily indicative of someone who will grow up to abuse her children. Certainly, these days, with Kate Middleton, LeAnn Rimes and Rachel Zoe as role models it’s difficult to find a woman who doesn’t have an eating disorder or is not contemplating one. (Does the Grapefruit Diet work?)

You seem like a really good friend. And there may be reason to worry, but before jumping to conclusions (don’t worry, we all do it) I’d suggest a serious sit down with her. Try and get her to open up about her marriage, the stresses in her life, and how she may or may not be dealing with them very well. If you are still extremely concerned, keep track of how often her children are sick or in the hospital and how she reacts to these situations then seek the advice of a medical professional. Even then, I would proceed with extreme caution.

Good Luck to you and your friend,

Tonya, TMH

One of my best friends just had a baby. We went to dinner with him, the baby’s mama and the new baby.  All was fine, until the baby got hungry and the mama fed the baby. Let me clarify, the mama was drinking and then breastfed the baby. The mama consumed three pints of beer over the course of about three hours and fed the baby three times while I was there. Now, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a doctor, so I didn’t say anything. But, later I brought this up to some friends and they said I should have said/done something.

To make matters worse, the mama posts a lot on Facebook, including things like outrageously long sleeping times for the baby and how she wishes she could drink more to deal with life, but says that breastfeeding limits her alcohol intake. I feel at a loss. I feel like she’s doing things she shouldn’t do and may be hurting her baby in the process. My best friend didn’t say a word the entire night, and actually tends to encourage her drinking.

This situation is really difficult to watch, especially since my husband and I have been trying for years to get pregnant and are having issues. We aren’t even sure if having a child is going to happen for us.

Do I say something? Do I call Child Services? Do I let it go for fear of being that irrational woman who jeopardizes a 20+ year friendship? Help!

Signed,

Mama Didn’t Just Do That, Did She?

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Dear Mama Didn’t Just Do That, Did She?,

First, I am mother, but I am not a medical professional, although, frankly, I really should be. Especially, given the amount of self-help books I’ve read and the number of hypochondriac websites I visit on a weekly basis. But I do believe that you have a right to be alarmed.  I’m not going to sugar coat it, this is a tough situation. Having three drinks in three hours and breastfeeding a baby three times adds up to definite inappropriate behavior. Normally, I try to reserve my judgement of other mothers to the celeb moms I see in Us Weekly, but this case sounds like a very unhealthy state of affairs. Not only was that a possibly damaging amount of alcohol for a child to consume, it’s also dangerous when you consider the responsiveness needed to care for a newborn baby.

It could be that the baby’s mama is overwhelmed and/or depressed, and instead of knowing how to deal with it or whom to turn to, she’s using alcohol to soothe these feelings. Unfortunately, she now has another life depending on her so drinking beer non-stop is not the correct way to fix the situation. It also seems that your friend might be in denial. Don’t misunderstand me—I’m not making excuses for them. I’m simply stating what could be going on.

That being said, you need to have a very serious conversation with your friend. I realize that you may be putting a 20+ year relationship in jeopardy, however, there is a newborn involved who can’t speak up for him/herself. It’s possible that your friend may be upset or angry with you for bringing up the mama’s alcohol consumption, but it’s also possible that he doesn’t even see it. And, it’s also very likely that the mother may need help.

I would try and discuss the situation in terms of your concern for how the mother and baby are doing. Try and leave out the Facebook updates, if possible, since it’s hard to know what she’s really doing and also if the baby’s sleep cycle is related in any way to her possible alcohol consumption.

Keep the discussion concrete. Talk about what you witnessed. You could also try and get your friend to open up about how he feels, how their relationship is faring, and what may be really going on. Make sure your friend understands that this is coming from a place of love and you simply want to help.

Some people may not agree with me, but I would suggest you hold off contacting Child Services unless you witness any other occasions where this woman is drinking heavily and putting her child in real danger. I know this is a difficult situation for you on many levels, but it seems that you are willing to do what is right for your friend and his child.

This is such a complicated subject that I would also like to encourage our readers to weigh in. It’s possible that one of them has had a similar situation and maybe they can tell you what did or didn’t work.

Good Luck,

Tonya TMH

Some of the costumes we came across simply made us realize that costume makers must drink…a lot. And not in a “few glasses of wine each night with dinner” kind of way, more in a “doing beer bongs, dancing on tables and waking up in your mailman’s front yard with nothing on but his mailbag and a pile of letters for a pillow” kind of way (What? It happens!). Take a look:

But then we found these costumes, which made us feel torn: should we call Child Services or vomit on our Slankets? We decided to do both. Because we know that for twenty-something, on-the-prowl co-eds and women with the last name “Kardashian,” Halloween is a time for dressing as your favorite porn actress. But when exactly did that become acceptable (not that it is even for those of age) for children—especially young girls—to dress up this way?

Halloween is a time for imagination and creativity to run wild. A time when our children are able to be anything or anyone they wish to be. This world of possibilities, however, should NEVER EVER include eroticizing an innocent child. By doing so, we rob them of their childhood and, in most cases, their sense of self worth. Sexualizing a child, a tween, or even a teenager is disgusting and inexcusable.

Happy Halloween? It will be if nobody wears those stupid costumes.

Image source

How do we know to be this fearful? Because we’ve all been there! At 15, I remember thinking it was completely reasonable to do a beer bong after three wine coolers at a party where my friend and I knew absolutely no one. Because being a drunk teenage girl in the middle of a house full of strangers is completely safe.

My mother and step-father were cops so I did, in fact, know better. To this day, my sister and I can recite verbatim a fair number of stories where our mom had to be the one to knock on a parent’s door and tell them their teenager had been killed in a drunk driving accident. And yet, we didn’t listen. It’s only by sheer luck that we are both still here.

These days, I’m a fairly relaxed parent. For example, my son is able to wear whatever he wants, whenever he wants, even if that means I’m accompanying a pirate to the grocery store in the middle of summer. But when I think of his teenage years, I become less laid back. I still believe in giving a child the space and freedom to make choices. However, I also know that once those hormones kick in and there’s a driver’s license involved, all logic goes out the window and peer pressure is paramount. In those instances, a device like Soberlink can be instrumental. If you have a teenager, take a few minutes to check this out:

In my opinion, there are just some situations where a choice shouldn’t be an option. What do you think? Do you agree? Would you use something like Soberlink when your teenager takes the car out for a night on the town?

- Tonya, TMH

Thank you to Soberlink for sponsoring this post.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I just became Room Mom of my daughter’s Pre-K class. I didn’t really want to do it, but nobody else volunteered. The first event I did—a Welcome Breakfast–was a simple affair because the kids are still young and I didn’t have a lot of time to organize. I thought it was fine, but now I hear that a lot of the moms were making fun of the event and calling it a “Cheap Breakfast.” Should I say something to them? Make sure the next thing I do is nicer? Hit them with my car? This is all new to me and I’m panicking!

Signed,

Dubious Room Mom

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Dear Dubious,

Wow, and congratulations! Room mom is quite an accomplishment. But be honest, nobody else volunteered? Or did the other moms duck to avoid the flying clipboard you knocked out of your rival’s unsuspecting hands? Maybe not, but anyone who uses the words “event” and “affair” to describe a social event for five-year-olds could be headed down the perilous path of the PTA Queen Bee. Be careful, my friend.

To your question, may I ask who you’re trying to please? Because half those kids would be happy sucking on a glue stick. If it’s the moms’ approval you’re after—good luck with that. Seriously, what’s wrong with a cheap breakfast? What did they expect—scrambled eggs Benedict and Poptarts with the crusts cut off? Were you supposed to spend hours cutting fruit into animal shapes and arranging it on skewers? (Never introduce sharp objects, by the way. You don’t want to arm these women.)

As for what other moms are saying about your efforts, unless you heard this with your own ears, beware of the messenger. She is likely a drama-seeking, pot-stirring, soap opera-watching, bored out of her mind bitch who masks her menace in concern. Maybe she sounds something like this: “Cindy should keep her big mouth shut, except she can’t, on account of the Botox. Bless her heart.”

Or is it more like: “How does it feel when everyone in the whole entire school thinks you’re a cheap skank who doesn’t love her kids enough to buy the real French Toastix?”

Either way, she is not your friend.

And finally, if you’re panicking because you think other moms’ impressions of you will impact your child, let me assure you, they will. These power moms determine who gets the good teachers, the last chocolate milk, and the lead in the school talent show. This is the Big Leagues, Baby. But if you want to play with the mommy elite, you play by their rules, which include conforming to ludicrous standards for the preschool social hour. That said, never EVER waste valuable time endearing yourself to mean moms when you could be sucking up to the teacher instead. Priorities, Rookie.

Managing the academic and social life of your children is difficult, but any woman who navigated the horrors of her own middle school is fit for the task. Hold your head high, toss some grapes in a bowl, and bust out the grocery store muffins. Bottom line, relax. Otherwise you risk turning yourself into one of those bitches I sometimes accidently bump with my car.

Love,

Lela, Guest TMH

It’s amazing that we don’t update this hourly.  Sheesh.

Today we’re Mouthing Off about the threatened boycott of Dancing With the Stars.

At first we were all for it, assuming that the protestors were upset about ABC playing loosey goosey with the term “Stars.”  Seriously, come on. Rob Kardashian?  Nancy Grace?  We’ll give you solar mass, but they’re not stars.

But we soon realized that people are calling for a boycott of the show because one of the contestants is Chaz Bono, the son of Sonny Bono and Cher No Last Name Required.  (And do you know why there’s No Last Name Required? That’s right, because Cher is a star.)

The boycotters’ concern is that seeing Chaz will confuse children.  And the children will then ask questions.  And we think that we can all agree it’s better to boycott something than have it lead to actually talking with  your child.

One viewer said, “Manufactured genitalia is not the conversation I want to have with my children.”  Excellent point.  When we watch television with our children, we don’t discuss the genitalia of anyone on the show.  Manufactured or otherwise.  Obviously, a missed opportunity there because Lord knows we have so much to say about Glenn Beck’s junk.

But all kidding aside, what would happen if your child were to ask, unlikely as it would be, “Mom, was this man ever a woman?” What would the harm be in saying, “Yes, Chaz Bono was born a woman.  But that is not who he is.”  Even if this happens, we promise your child isn’t going to ask for gender reassignment for her next birthday.

Because being transgendered is not contagious. And if at some future time your child were to encounter someone struggling with the issue of gender identity, is it really a bad thing if your kid were sympathetic instead of terrified?  Compassionate instead of bigoted?  We’ve heard talk that humanity can shine as bright as stardom.

I have a family situation that is just terrible. My little brother, who is now 20, will be going to prison for offenses involving drugs, theft, etc. for a few years. This has been a LONG time coming since he started down this path at the tender age of 14. My parents are upset with how my siblings and I have handled this, basically they believe he needs our support and we should have more contact with him while he serves his sentence IN PRISON!!!! My parents and I have gone head to head on this issue too many times over the past 5 yrs or so, I’ve told them he’s NOT the brother I grew up with and I don’t want a relationship with him. Am I wrong for not wanting to send my brother a card or letter or pictures of my child, who he’s only seen three times anyway? Am I wrong for being honest with my parents about my decision? Why can’t they respect the relationship (or lack there of) I’ve chosen to have with my brother?

Signed,

Rejecting a Rikers Reunion

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Dear Rejecting a Rikers Reunion,

Let me begin by saying I’ve been studying my prison slang dictionary (it helps with Scrabble) so I can relate to this problem not only on an empathetic level, but also on a verbal one.

Having a sibling that is “going away to cooking school” can be an extremely stressful and very emotional ordeal for the entire family and not everyone is going to look at Little Johnny’s time “killing his number” in the same way.

To your parents he is still their little baby boy. Put yourself in their shoes and imagine if it were your child who was “on the hustle.” It has to be hard for them to separate the baby they held in their arms 20 years ago and the adult who’s been “slinging rock” and “jumping out.”

Ok, I’m being told that I have to stop the slang now. Perhaps, this is because I just fashioned a shank out of my toothbrush and asked my husband who I needed to cut to score some cake up in this joint.

The important thing here is to understand where your parents are coming from. That being said, as a parent yourself, you still must do what you think is best for your own family. And if that means keeping your distance from your brother and halting any contact between him and your child then, as the mother here, you know best.

Explain to your parents that you understand their position and the unfailing love they have for their son. Tell them that you respect their desire to continue to support him; that you hope things with your brother will change for the better. However, until that time, you must do what you believe is best for yourself and for your family.

Signed,

Tonya, TMH

We have known for years that anorexia is a disease with life-threatening and lethal consequences. Yet the media continues to encourage unhealthy weight loss as a status symbol; the ultimate in female beauty. Is being a size 0 really worth dying for? Is it even, in true reality, beautiful?

Frankly, we don’t want to imagine a whole society based around the idea that Rachel Zoe is “curvy.”  Or  that Angelina Jolie needs to lose a few pounds! Since when did starving yourself become such an amazing experience? Sure, there’s Kate Moss and her favorite saying: “Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels,” but then we have to remember she’s a cokehead! Of course she’s NOT hungry! I mean, why eat a muffin when your teeth are just gonna fall out soon anyway? I came across a few other “Thinspiration tips” (for those not imbibing of the cocoa plant or bathtub meth):

-       When you get hunger pains, curl into a ball.  It makes them go away.

-       Get out of your house! If you’re not sitting around then people can’t start shit with you about not eating.

-       Eat ice or gum when hungry. This will make your body think it had food without the calories.

Clearly, this advice is from a medical professional.  I mean ice instead of food…well…genius, think of all of the vitamins and antioxidants contained in frozen water. And forget famine! Just bring your knees to your chin! You’ll be fine!

We really can’t comprehend why and when the definition of “beautiful” came to encompass “close to death.” How is that attractive? Well, apparently it isn’t. A recent study found that a woman’s curves act like a reward to a man’s brain. This makes total sense. Beyonce, J.Lo, Christina Hendricks, and Sofia Vergara aren’t popular without reason. And aside from their obvious talent, we now know there’s a fundamental scientific reason why our husbands sit nose-touching-the-television close when Modern Family is on.

So our advice to Kate and Pippa is just to give up the intel and grab a burger already. Eating is fun, healthy, and incredibly important. We can’t live without it and we won’t live long or well when it’s severely restricted.

Seeing women who starve themselves, or appear to, being paraded as role models is terrifying to us as parents. It is a wake up moment that shows us we must teach our children that mealtime can be healthy, fun, and essential. That taking pleasure in a healthful meal is normal.  That denying yourself food is not glamorous and can be dangerous.

If you know someone with an eating disorder please contact this helpline, it could save their life!

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Thank you to Hillshire Farm for sponsoring this post.  Check out their Social Twist promotion where you will have the opportunity to download a Hillshire Farm coupon for 55 cents. Or share the link socially and get a higher value coupon.

My 9-year-old daughter had a friend over the other day and the friend stayed for dinner. I asked both girls to set the table. The friend didn’t seem to mind, but her mom later told another mom at school that I invite kids over to use them to “do my job” around the house. I’m annoyed. I don’t really have a relationship with her beyond exchanging pleasantries, so should I talk to her or just write her off as crazy?

Signed,

Miffed Mom

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Dear Miffed Mom,

I don’t usually condone Mom on Mom violence, but in this case, the woman obviously deserves a slap upside the head. “Pow! Yeah, that’ll learn you to talk shit about me, you ugly, gossipy hosebeast! Now lick my shoes and polish my silver before I unleash my other fist, beeyotch! Grrrr….”

Who says female fantasies are a waste of time?

Anyway, my advice is to just let this slide and move on. Of course, I mean “move on” while continuing to harbor a deep, petty grudge against this ridiculous woman for at least ten more years, which pretty much describes my relationships with 60% of the mothers in my neighborhood. (And the other 40% had better watch it if they know what’s good for them.) (There’s a slight possibility I’ve had too much red meat today.)

However, even if you take the high road, never fear because you can still have fun with this woman. For example, the next time she sees you and your daughter, say something like, “Sorry, can’t talk! We have to get home so my kids can scrub toilets and regrout the countertops!” Or “Gee, my daughter would love to sleep over at your house, but her chain gang is breaking up rocks in my yard this weekend while I whip them with a belt. Maybe next time?”

But whatever you do, just take heart in knowing that you’re probably not the only one in your neighborhood to whom she’s said nasty things. Crazy doesn’t like to keep quiet, but Crazy should also be avoided at all costs. Don’t feed the insanity.

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

Please don’t be upset that your daughters are trailing the boys in their math class.  If they’re pretty, they don’t need to worry about it!

Because it seems that pretty kills brain cells.

At least according to this magnet that was, until recently, sold at Forever 21.

By the way, who knew that Forever 21 sold magnets?!

And where are the “I’m too much of a jock to know how to read” magnets?

Surely they’ll fly off the shelves.  Especially if they’re illustrated so that the illiterate can understand them.

Hey, we know! How about we come up with other instant best-seller magnet ideas?

“I’m too hot to pay taxes!”

“Too adorable to make dinner!”

“Too disgusted by our daughters being subjected to sexist slogans to buy your crap!”

We think we’d sell a ton.

source

special thanks to Glamamom for tweeting about this.